Is it really about unmet needs!

[rossi]

Great post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!My husband and I starting having problems in the end of 2004, he was always out with cheaters friend, I was always asking him to come home early to be with me and kids. I used to sleep in the sofa for weeks or with my son. I left him alone in our bed. I was not giving him sex. I know he was into porn in the internet. I used to see pop up from naked women. When i asked him why those pictures appeared in the screem he said I don't know.

 

I was not very good at computers in that time. Now i understand many things that i did not saw it before. I kept the pattern of sleeping in the sofa for a while and it was a punishment for him for his behaviors but i was so naive to belive that my husband could last for weeks without sex or affection from me. He is very physical, he likes to be kiss and hug a lot. The other woman was so happy to kiss him all the time and was giving him what i was not giving. I was in the same marriage and did not cheat on him or i did not have the chance.

 

I remenber on time while i was in Hunter College this happend when my husband and i were separete in the house for more than three weeks. This guy from my History class started flirting with me, i liked him but i did not know his real intention until now. He was looking for a sex buddy. He never talk to me about his family or if he was single or married. Her just talk to me and try to stayed as close as possible with me.

 

I knew that he wanted something with me but i think he was wating for me to move. Now i feel very happy that anything happened between us but i fell like my husband feel the same way towards the ow. He need affetion and sex, she gave it to him for free and did not care if he was married. I think she needed sex and company too. He was the perfert guy for him.

[Mustang Sally]

MS,

 

Sure, you're a female. So you can take the kids with you. Highly unlikely for men to be able to do the same. And I never said she wasn't safe ..

 

Gocha. And you're right, you didn't say she wasn't safe. I inferred it when you said your kids need you there every day and you are even tempered. Sorry. Of course kids need their fathers everyday, and this should not have been interpreted by me in any other fashion.

[norajane]

That's the typical response. "Just leave!" or "Try and work it out". These responses further prove my point that unless you've been there, you can't know how silly this advice sounds.

 

"Just leave" means leaving my kids and moving to an apartment somewhere where I get to see them once every other week. If you don't have kids, or you don't care about them, then please do those who do a favor and stop with this stupid suggestion. You think that already hasn't been considered?

 

"Try and work it out" or "deal with the issues" once again operates from the comforting assumption that the other partner someone with whom one can work something out with. No matter how much someone like me asserts that this has been tried already for years, the response invariably is something to the effect of not having tried hard enough. In fact I still hear the "have you tried a hot bath together?" suggestion for people in my position.

 

 

What is your OW hoping for, then? Are you meeting her needs? She's happy that you never plan on asking for a divorce, but are getting your needs filled by her?

[Scrivdog]

What is your OW hoping for, then? Are you meeting her needs? She's happy that you never plan on asking for a divorce, but are getting your needs filled by her?

 

And what's that got to do with anything?

[norajane]

And what's that got to do with anything?

 

ARe you kidding? There's another human involved with your unmet needs - is that not important? Does she not have needs?

 

You're cheating "because" your needs aren't being met. You're cheating with someone. ARe her needs being met? What if she cheats on you? Tells your wife? Dumps you? Where does that leave you?

[riobikini]

re:

 

Scrivdog: " Yawn ..

 

That's the typical response. "Just leave!" or "Try and work it out". These responses further prove my point that unless you've been there, you can't know how silly this advice sounds.

 

"Just leave" means leaving my kids and moving to an apartment somewhere where I get to see them once every other week. If you don't have kids, or you don't care about them, then please do those who do a favor and stop with this stupid suggestion. You think that already hasn't been considered?

 

"Try and work it out" or "deal with the issues" once again operates from the comforting assumption that the other partner someone with whom one can work something out with. No matter how much someone like me asserts that this has been tried already for years, the response invariably is something to the effect of not having tried hard enough. In fact I still hear the "have you tried a hot bath together?" suggestion for people in my position.

 

THIS is what I mean by not having been there, and therefore not knowing really what the situation is like. You may think you know it, but you really don't. You can read all you want about Paris and know more about it than the the person who goes there for a year. But the person who was there is really the only one who knows what it's like."

 

 

Scriv, the fact is you *CHOOSE* to live in that situation.

 

There are other answers, you just haven't been able to accept them -or achieve them.

 

And you are frustrated for NOT mustering up the strength to achieve them -or having the boldness.

 

You remind me of a child who is always getting beat up on the school playground.

 

You are big enough to defend yourself -but you *lack* the confidence to defend yourself and your territory -you're afraid of losing something (in this case, it's people: your kids).

 

So you keep coming home with a black eye and a busted lip.

 

And you keep wanting someone to come up with your answer *for* you -but they are all wrong because they -well- aren't you!

 

I don't doubt your situation is real (countless others are living in that kind of hell, too) -but it I can't ignore feeling that you are getting something out of the "exclusivity" of your dilemma.

 

Having a problem no one can relate to puts you in a special category that makes the problem "unsolvable".

 

It creates another little fantasy world for you that operates on energy derived from the anger and frustration -plus there's the ambivalent *limelight* of having a problem that is so-o-o isolated that it makes you a "celebrity martyr".

 

But it's a dangerous "mix" for long-term.

 

This miserable little world takes on a life of its own -apart from any of the reasonable, rational solutions that *could* be implemented, and has the power to roll right on, picking up steam and becoming your new altered reality.

 

The danger of this "new world" developing is that -in time- it turns you into a Jekyll/Hyde type of person: on one hand, you melt at the sight or thought of your kids: you'll go to the ends of the earth for them (or any worthwhile cause that makes you feel good about yourself e.g. giving to charity and all manner of other things that only "decent" people do -and are) .

 

But on the other hand, it fills you up with this awful bitterness and hate that just spews out unexpectedly (eventually, this side has powerful potential to take over).

 

Significant contradictions appear: you become an "expert" on what a "good marriage" is -except you have alot of hateful things to say about women, in general.

 

And you live in this altered reality until people around you -one by one- begin to realize that the problem itself has transformed into a kind of bitter salve for the wounds that started long ago in your relationship -and that *did* offer better options that once could have protected you and provided your healthier well-being, all along.

 

Again, I think most people here -whether they have kids or not- can understand that giving up even one day with them -or living apart from them- is an agonizing thing for any parent to do.

 

But unless you are prepared to live in the *reality* of your circumstances that isolate you from a loving, meaningful relationship with your partner (not this cardboard picture of your marriage or the kind of "Limbo-Land" you are now living in), it's probably not a very good idea to choose to them in the first place, and then allow your anger over living in those circumstances make you even more isolated by mocking others who are *trying* to relate to you, and give thoughtful, kind assistance/understanding -or trying to be a sounding board.

 

I think more people than you realize in this forum *do* understand the dilemma you are facing -because they've been in the *exact* same situation under their *own* circumstances.

 

They understand what it's like to feel "duped" and trapped by being in a good marriage one day and a totally loveless one later.

 

You really need to pull your head out of your a_s and cut the "No-one-understands-me" act; it gets old quick -and it's useless to anyone.

 

Two choices I see: either get off the fence -or ride it til your gems scream for mercy.

 

No matter what you choose, you'll find people here, who can relate and understand.

 

Of course, I realize that some of what I'm saying sounds harsh -but it's no less than I would say to anyone close to me -brother, sister, friend- that I love and care about in my own not-so-perfect world.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[Rooster_DAR]

Exactly!!

 

Work on the underlying issues instead of looking elsewhere for an escape. If it's impossible to work it out, get out before you tear everyone apart when you get caught.

 

I've had some serious temptation cross my path but have never cheated. There's a line in the sand that you can't cross without losing a part of your integrity. No matter how you try to justify cheating, it is a loss of part of your morality.

 

More often than not most people in this circumstance will fail, especially if there is an emotional affair involved. The sad thing is, had these people been able to pull themselves away from the affair partner and focus on their primary relationship (via therapist or some other intervention), there is a high probability that the primary relationship could have been saved and grown to a healthier happier relationship than it ever was.

[riobikini]

P.S.

 

Scriv,

 

I think there *was* a crucial turning point in your relationship somewhere -probably so subtle neither one of you really gave it much thought and just kept going.

 

I think you both took the wrong road at the crossroads and traveled far beyond it, to a point where one or both of you had neither the strength or the willingness to turn back.

 

Whatever you had that was good was left back there. Getting it back means making the long trek -and it appears neither one of you is very optimistic -or eager to try.

 

-Rio

[Rooster_DAR]

P.S.

 

Scriv,

 

I think there *was* a crucial turning point in your relationship somewhere -probably so subtle neither one of you really gave it much thought and just kept going.

 

I think you both took the wrong road at the crossroads and traveled far beyond it, to a point where one or both of you had neither the strength or the willingness to turn back.

 

Whatever you had that was good was left back there. Getting it back means making the long trek -and it appears neither one of you is very optimistic -or eager to try.

 

-Rio

 

That is what happend to me as well, the turning point was left too far behind. I wonder how many countless relationships could have been saved had both parties had the right tools to do so.

 

Cheers!

[Guest]

I think "unmet needs", if used incorrectly (i.e. usually by the cheater) IS a cop-out.

 

For the rest of us, however, it doesn't have to be. Just because somebody has unmet needs, it doesn't mean those needs are reasonable. One person might, though married, have the unmet need to screw everything with a pulse. Which doesn't make it acceptable -- they just have f*cked up needs.

 

 

Good evening, thank - you for penning this pst,

It went a long way to make feel better. I am the lady who found 35 years in to her marriage he husband cheated on her for 29 of it...( His reason for the affair was that he needed a soft place to fall,when we where having problems(ughhh) I am so tired of people telling me I need to try and be like the OW, so he will not need her anymore, I could not be like her if I tried, nor would I want to for the most part,( as I have said before she is the June Cleaver type, stay at home mother, immaculate house,always looks like she came from the spa, all of her food is homemade, always says the right thing.....

I am more of the strong-willed businesswomen ( i like to work, work is the stable thing I have right now),likes to to laugh loudly and alot , can be a bit brusque..

anyway, hope this was not long for you,

[Rooster_DAR]

I think "unmet needs", if used incorrectly (i.e. usually by the cheater) IS a cop-out.

 

For the rest of us, however, it doesn't have to be. Just because somebody has unmet needs, it doesn't mean those needs are reasonable. One person might, though married, have the unmet need to screw everything with a pulse. Which doesn't make it acceptable -- they just have f*cked up needs.

 

 

Good evening, thank - you for penning this pst,

It went a long way to make feel better. I am the lady who found 35 years in to her marriage he husband cheated on her for 29 of it...( His reason for the affair was that he needed a soft place to fall,when we where having problems(ughhh) I am so tired of people telling me I need to try and be like the OW, so he will not need her anymore, I could not be like her if I tried, nor would I want to for the most part,( as I have said before she is the June Cleaver type, stay at home mother, immaculate house,always looks like she came from the spa, all of her food is homemade, always says the right thing.....

I am more of the strong-willed businesswomen ( i like to work, work is the stable thing I have right now),likes to to laugh loudly and alot , can be a bit brusque..

anyway, hope this was not long for you,

 

WTF...?

 

Why are they saying you need to be like O/W? I would dump your friends for something like that. This is between you and your husband, and clearly his is the problem here. My god, that is ludicrous, and you must feel really crappy about that. You deserve much better than that, I'm sorry. Why should you change from the person you were when you fell in love? Sounds to me like you H was the problem here, not you. Take care of yourself and don't let people make it seem like your the one who needs to change. Yes, you need to evaluate things here, but this sounds so one sided to me.

[Trialbyfire]

TrialbyFire,

 

Yawn ..

 

That's the typical response. "Just leave!" or "Try and work it out". These responses further prove my point that unless you've been there, you can't know how silly this advice sounds.

 

"Just leave" means leaving my kids and moving to an apartment somewhere where I get to see them once every other week. If you don't have kids, or you don't care about them, then please do those who do a favor and stop with this stupid suggestion. You think that already hasn't been considered?

 

"Try and work it out" or "deal with the issues" once again operates from the comforting assumption that the other partner someone with whom one can work something out with. No matter how much someone like me asserts that this has been tried already for years, the response invariably is something to the effect of not having tried hard enough. In fact I still hear the "have you tried a hot bath together?" suggestion for people in my position.

 

THIS is what I mean by not having been there, and therefore not knowing really what the situation is likw. You may think you know it, but you really don't. You can read all you want about Paris and know more about it than the the person who goes there for a year. But the person who was there is really the only one who knows what it's like.

You can justify it all you want but that's all it is, justification of a cheater.

[Trialbyfire]

In some, but not all, cases I don't think it has a thing to do with temptation. It has to do with not getting a bit of affection, love, or appreciation from your spouse- unmet needs indeed. IMHO if that is the case and you have exhausted all options divorce is in order. But I can understand why some do not want to become weekend parents, lose their home, screw up their finances.

 

I don't think it is a matter of needing to justify it, it is a matter of looking at reality for many. As for morality- that is up to the individual to set those standards for themselves.

 

I am betting in the vast majority of cases with individuals involved in A's they wish their M could be what they need or want. I am guessing at that, but I think many would agree.

It has everything to do with temptation. You either abide by your wedding vows and try to work it out or you walk away from it. How do you think the kids are going to feel when the cheater gets caught? They will be torn apart, just like the wife will be. Cheaters are selfish and hold only their own needs before others.

[riobikini]

re:

 

a4a: " In some, but not all, cases I don't think it has a thing to do with temptation. It has to do with not getting a bit of affection, love, or appreciation from your spouse- unmet needs indeed

 

TrialbyFire: " It has everything to do with temptation. You either abide by your wedding vows and try to work it out or you walk away from it. "

 

Actually, I think you are both right -but (without assuming I can read a4a's mind) I think she is confining her answer to a *specific* circumstance where -even though it qualifies as temptation- the person being unfaithful is caught off-guard by circumstances in his relationship which have made him vulnerable.

 

It should be noted that the cheater could have been either very aware of his vulnerability -or only faintly aware of how vulnerable he was and became involved in the affair on unexpected terms.

 

"Unexpected terms" meaning an affair that happened without any prior planning: for instance, after the office party that the wife/hubby just didn't feel like attending, or with the co-worker that stayed late one night to help finish a project, or the girl or guy with the nice smile in the hotel elevator while away on business.

 

I believe that every affair is *not always* planned.

 

Being tempted is being tempted -and whether you succumb to the affair or not, it *may*, indeed, be an indication of your overall usual strength, character, and personal integrity (or lack of) -but it may also be the "usual" you, in regards to your beliefs under conditions of new, unbefore-experienced emotional or physical pressure, or under conditions of *vulnerability*.

 

When you choose to cheat -and it's *still* a choice- I think you answer directly to whatever degree or rank you have achieved in regards to moral standards that you have developed up to that point.

 

If you find yourself in opposition to how/what you believe, you may begin to feel guilt, rationalize, and live tenuously under the secret pressure of your compromised standards/beliefs.

 

You'll search diligently for ways to withdraw yourself from the heat and pressure of your knowledge that you did something considered "wrong" (e.g. the process of rationalization).

 

This is exactly the point where you hear the nearly infamous cheater's statement, " I'm not getting *it* at home, so I'm getting *it* elsewhere."

 

"It" can mean sex, honest-to-God needs (love/respect/communication), an emotional/romantic connection -or with some who are simply looking for an excuse to cheat- it can mean absolutely anything they can use to condone their cheating.

 

I still think that when most affairs happen -it's a two-way street when it comes to *who* contributed to the affair happening: both partners in the relationship have contributed something to induce it, whether they are *wise* enough to admit it -or not.

 

And even *wiser* people admit their negative contributions *before* an affair happens, discuss them, work on them, *do* something about them -and it's *those* people who have a better chance at keeping the wolf out of the hen-house.

 

-Rio

[Scrivdog]

You can justify it all you want but that's all it is, justification of a cheater.

Your argument is so intelligently laid out and draws from such a large body of experience that it's just simply irrefutable. Thank you for your deep insight into the matter ..!

[Trialbyfire]

Your argument is so intelligently laid out and draws from such a large body of experience that it's just simply irrefutable. Thank you for your deep insight into the matter ..!

Since you chose to originally address my comments with sarcasm, you deserve no better.

 

You don't have a clue of what has happened in my life but one thing is for certain, I've never cheated and never will. Guaranteed, I will never walk a mile in your shoes because the shoes are ill-fitting and lack quality. That is all.

[Rooster_DAR]

You don't have a clue of what has happened in my life but one thing is for certain, I've never cheated and never will. Guaranteed, I will never walk a mile in your shoes because the shoes are ill-fitting and lack quality. That is all.

 

Good for you. Although it's important to acknowlege that nonone is immune to the possibility of it, there are many people who can in fact stay true to their commitmement even through the tough times. Integrity surrounds their existence.

[Trialbyfire]

Good for you. Although it's important to acknowlege that nonone is immune to the possibility of it, there are many people who can in fact stay true to their commitmement even through the tough times. Integrity surrounds their existence.

Thanks. You also believe in the sanctity of a relationship which is nice to see.

[Rooster_DAR]

Thanks. You also believe in the sanctity of a relationship which is nice to see.

 

I protect it with fire.

[Guest]

Is cheating/affairs really always about unmet needs. I really feel like it can be, but I also feel like people use this to minimize their guilt and possibly justify their behavior. To me if you have unmet needs, you need to talk to you partner about them before you run off with someone else to get them fulfilled.

 

Regards,

 

In my case, I can honestly say, yes, it was unmet needs that made me stray. I had been married 15 years and my H had not initiated sex ONCE that whole time. (He would have sex if I initiated but would not approach me. It was quite strange.) I told him I was bloody sick of it and I told him I would have an affair if the situation did not get better. I told him that every day for a week, after which I stopped. Eight months went by. Nothing had changed, I had an affair. The A is over but the needs are still unmet. That doesn't mean I am any readier now to leave him. He is a wonderful partner in every other way but this. It is a difficult and complex situation. But I absolutely did talk to him before "running off" to someone else.

[elmejor]

...but one thing is for certain, I've never cheated and never will. Guaranteed, I will never walk a mile in your shoes because the shoes are ill-fitting and lack quality. That is all.

 

Lots of people who've had affairs have said those exact same words, then had to eat them later. Here's the facts: No relationship is guaranteed, be it a marriage or any other relationship. At any given time, an "interloper" can disrupt our lives, and "steal" this other person from us. There is absolutely no one on earth who is guaranteed that they will always "have" the person they love. Unless they want to microchip them and have them tailed by a PI 24/7. Blaming others, be it the lover, the spouse, strangers on messageboards(!) or whomever we think caused the break in the relationship serves no purpose. As for the "me me me" attitude of OW that some BS have mentioned, IMHO it would benefit wives greatly to cultivate more of that type of attitude. Just some friendly advice----

 

Just remember, trialbyfire--never say never!

[Trialbyfire]

Lots of people who've had affairs have said those exact same words, then had to eat them later. Here's the facts: No relationship is guaranteed, be it a marriage or any other relationship. At any given time, an "interloper" can disrupt our lives, and "steal" this other person from us. There is absolutely no one on earth who is guaranteed that they will always "have" the person they love. Unless they want to microchip them and have them tailed by a PI 24/7. Blaming others, be it the lover, the spouse, strangers on messageboards(!) or whomever we think caused the break in the relationship serves no purpose. As for the "me me me" attitude of OW that some BS have mentioned, IMHO it would benefit wives greatly to cultivate more of that type of attitude. Just some friendly advice----

 

Just remember, trialbyfire--never say never!

I can easily say never because I know who I am and what I'm capable of. I don't attempt to justify my wrongdoings with a selfish attitude of me before everyone else I care about.

[elmejor]

I can easily say never because I know who I am and what I'm capable of. I don't attempt to justify my wrongdoings with a selfish attitude of me before everyone else I care about.

 

We can all easily say anything--doesn't make it so. By the way, a woman does need to care for her own needs in order to best care for those she loves, imo. I commented previously that if I love a man, and he loves me I will be with him, and no one will stop me. My comments do not mean that I have a selfish attitude in general, putting my needs before everyone else I care about. Actually, the opposite is closer to the truth. But you and others choose to jump to your conclusions, I suppose, because you feel that anyone who sympathizes with OW is a trashy, worthless individual. I guess that makes you feel better. So be it.

 

EM

[Trialbyfire]

We can all easily say anything--doesn't make it so. By the way, a woman does need to care for her own needs in order to best care for those she loves, imo. I commented previously that if I love a man, and he loves me I will be with him, and no one will stop me. My comments do not mean that I have a selfish attitude in general, putting my needs before everyone else I care about. Actually, the opposite is closer to the truth. But you and others choose to jump to your conclusions, I suppose, because you feel that anyone who sympathizes with OW is a trashy, worthless individual. I guess that makes you feel better. So be it.

 

EM

I know what you are. There's no doubt in my mind whatsoever.

[elmejor]

I know what you are. There's no doubt in my mind whatsoever.

 

 

As I said, we can all say or think, anything. It doesn't make it so. You should really consider seeking help for your irrational anger.

 

EM