Is it really about unmet needs!

[Trialbyfire]

As I said, we can all say or think, anything. It doesn't make it so. You should really consider seeking help for your irrational anger.

 

EM

I think you're getting some strange thrill in attempting to bait me which is very odd, to say the least. I'm just enjoying the sheer idiocy of your continued return to the attack.

 

*edit - I'de like to also add that no matter what tactic you choose to take, you can never justify a relationship based on lies. If you feel it's justified to live and propogate that lie by remaining with a married man, that's your choice in life. I have no issues with someone who can make an honest relationship out of it by either forcing the MM to leave his wife or walking away with their head held high. If a man truly loves you so much, he will move Heaven and Earth to be with you. Since you continue to come across as an OW, I'm guessing it hasn't happened for you. Hmmm...I wonder why.

[pureinheart]

But you and others choose to jump to your conclusions, I suppose, because you feel that anyone who sympathizes with OW is a trashy, worthless individual. I guess that makes you feel better. So be it.

 

EM

 

I was the OW for a short period and do not symathize with myself at all, and don't want anyone else to sympathize with that fact. It is wrong. Now to encourage me with the truth to either get out or stay out, that is entirely another thing.

 

There are people who haven't cheated and won't....from this point in my life I can say I won't....and the reason I did in the past is because I was messed up in the head and was emotionally immature.

 

I was never able to rationalize cheating or aiding and abedding, due to the knowledge there were deep rooted issues. Not knowing what the root cause or what would actually trigger it, the cycle continued....wether it be the BW or OW or the cheater it was a cycle.

 

For Gods sake, to expect another person to meet all of my needs is ridiculous, and for the most part is used for an excuse by many to cheat....why not just leave?

 

Nothing just happens, it happens because we choose it to happen, unless it is an act that is forced upon us, meaning something we do not choose.

[noforgiveness]

I think you're getting some strange thrill in attempting to bait me which is very odd, to say the least. I'm just enjoying the sheer idiocy of your continued return to the attack.

 

*edit - I'de like to also add that no matter what tactic you choose to take, you can never justify a relationship based on lies. If you feel it's justified to live and propogate that lie by remaining with a married man, that's your choice in life. I have no issues with someone who can make an honest relationship out of it by either forcing the MM to leave his wife or walking away with their head held high. If a man truly loves you so much, he will move Heaven and Earth to be with you. Since you continue to come across as an OW, I'm guessing it hasn't happened for you. Hmmm...I wonder why.

 

 

That is what elmejor does. Have you ever done a search of her posts? She baits and attacks and flaunts her I'll take what's mine attitude. I have never read a nice or supportive post by her. It's truly sad and her life must have some huge holes to feel the ned to do this. I'm assuming it's someone who is very much lacking self esteem and this gives her just a little boost.

[Chapter2]

The exact same thing was said about you by no less than 20 people on two threads that were pulled last week. Guess that proves that one person's opinion is just that...an opinion.

 

I have never read a nice or supportive post by her. It's truly sad and her life must have some huge holes to feel the ned to do this. I'm assuming it's someone who is very much lacking self esteem and this gives her just a little boost.

[noforgiveness]

The exact same thing was said about you by no less than 20 people on two threads that were pulled last week. Guess that proves that one person's opinion is just that...an opinion.

 

 

:laugh: ah yes the ow comes to the defense of the bitter ow. Elmejors sole purpose is to rub salt into everyones wounds.

 

Have you searched her responses to people before jumping to her defense?

 

I soooo wish those threads were not removed. Everyones true spirit came shining through. It was refreshing to see that the OW is not a role perpetuated by kind souls. disclaimer* this does not include those ow's who were duped by their partner and fell in love with what they thought was a single man. I have much empathy for them.

[Chapter2]

Have you searched your own? My Lord NF, its like an automatic weapon filled with poison! And, yes, we know how you feel about people that have been duped. You've been very clear about that with your WS.

 

:laugh: ah yes the ow comes to the defense of the bitter ow. Elmejors sole purpose is to rub salt into everyones wounds.

 

Have you searched her responses to people before jumping to her defense?

 

I soooo wish those threads were not removed. Everyones true spirit came shining through. It was refreshing to see that the OW is not a role perpetuated by kind souls. disclaimer* this does not include those ow's who were duped by their partner and fell in love with what they thought was a single man. I have much empathy for them.

[noforgiveness]

Have you searched your own? My Lord NF, its like an automatic weapon filled with poison! And, yes, we know how you feel about people that have been duped. You've been very clear about that with your WS.

i will not threadjack this thread. There has been a lot of good thought out words and information in it.

 

Bring your problem with ME, yes with me, that was your sole reason to enter this, elsewhere please.

 

To add my words have been taken the way you see them. If they are an automatic weapon to you than maybe you need to search your heart and yur situation. I have not personally attacked anyone. I have just given my opinion of entering into affairs which I'm sure is shared by many many people who would not stoop in that direction.

[Chapter2]

You mean the same way you TJ's bonehead's thread? That's good, you learned from that. And, yes, we all know you would never stoop because of your incredible self righteousness. Got it.

 

i will not threadjack this thread. There has been a lot of good thought out words and information in it.

 

Bring your problem with ME, yes with me, that was your sole reason to enter this, elsewhere please.

 

To add my words have been taken the way you see them. If they are an automatic weapon to you than maybe you need to search your heart and yur situation. I have not personally attacked anyone. I have just given my opinion of entering into affairs which I'm sure is shared by many many people who would not stoop in that direction.

[Mz. Pixie]

"People who cheat/ have affairs tend to be clumsy at commitment and love, where people who are able to maintain monogamy tend to be more intellect and more evolved emotionally".

 

:lmao:

 

This quote certainly doesn't fit me. I was the "perfect little wife" for 13 years.

 

I know that cheating can happen in ANY relationship. Because I WAS the person who condemned cheaters and swore I'd never be one. In fact if you would have told me two years ago I would have been a cheating wife, I would have gotten pissed and asked you if you'd lost your mind.

 

I attended church regularly, I was a Sunday School teacher. Everyone on the outside thought I had the perfect relationship. It just goes to show you that only the two people in the R and God really know everything that happens. There are so many things, particularly in a marriage, that can make one vulnerable to an affair.

 

Scriv- I do understand where you're coming from, I truly do. If you're concerned about not having your kids now if you leave, what do you think is going to happen if you get caught cheating and you leave???

 

I think some people posting on the thread are under the assumption that people who have cheated never tried to work on their relationships. This is far from the truth where I'm concerned. I spent years working on my marriage all by myself! You cannot mend a marriage with someone who won't work on it. Should we leave before we cheat, absolutely. But sometimes things happen and you have no intention of letting it go that far, but your needs haven't been met, and you're starving. This person is more than willing to meet your needs that your partner will not. You're angry at your partner or bitter and this person makes you feel so good that you can't stay away. It's like an addiction.

[lovernotafighter]

i will not threadjack this thread. There has been a lot of good thought out words and information in it.

 

Bring your problem with ME, yes with me, that was your sole reason to enter this, elsewhere please.

 

To add my words have been taken the way you see them. If they are an automatic weapon to you than maybe you need to search your heart and yur situation. I have not personally attacked anyone. I have just given my opinion of entering into affairs which I'm sure is shared by many many people who would not stoop in that direction.

 

I did in case you didn't see it...I had a thread addressed to you with love from me

[NoIDidn't]

Has your H ever expressed to you what his unmet needs were?? Has he ever asked you for more sex or something along those lines that he didn't receive??

 

I'm not accusing you of anything, just trying to get to what his thought process probably was at the time...........

 

I can't believe I didn't see this, but I wanted to answer it.

 

1. No, he never expressed his needs, but I expressed mine - frequently enough apparently that he didn't think that he could meet them, so didn't bother trying.

 

2. Why is it that people always assume that its the WIFE withholding the sex. Not saying that you assumed it outright, but husbands also do their fair share of denying affection too. So no, it wasn't something along those lines that he didn't receive.

 

If we want to talk about unmet needs as it relates to MY M, I have to say, that according to the logic of the waywards, I would be VERY justified in having an A. I wasn't getting my needs met, but HE goes out and has the EA. Go figure!

[Trialbyfire]

That is what elmejor does. Have you ever done a search of her posts? She baits and attacks and flaunts her I'll take what's mine attitude. I have never read a nice or supportive post by her. It's truly sad and her life must have some huge holes to feel the ned to do this. I'm assuming it's someone who is very much lacking self esteem and this gives her just a little boost.

Yes, I noticed, which is why I thought I would illustrate it. This is the second thread we've had some fun together on. I look forward to the next time because I find this strangely therapeutic. It's like having my own toy OW to express things with.

[pureinheart]

Hey Noforgiveness,

 

I was really glad to see your replies on this thread....I thought you had left....anyway, just wanted to say I appreciate and read most of the stuff you replied to....you simply told the truth....

 

Cheating is what started my life on the wrong track....realizing recently that my mother was BW and OW, and my father had OW...4 marriages and they all cheated, working around people that were always cheating....thinking now that was normal for me and it mostlikely how I ended up OW.....but that was too much, something had to give.

 

The truth, and the way it was worded and presented by you and others, pulled out the person that has been there all along.

[Madeamistake]

Unmet needs? I think alot can come into play!

 

I have come to understand that cheating can happen in any relationship, just as ms pixie stated. When it comes to unmet needs, people say why not communicate, but I have found that at times you try hardest to do so but the other person is so caught up in their own world to listen.

 

Then the other question of ' if you are not happy,why not leave', and I think that your intentions at times are not to leave when you are unhappy cause you love the person. when cheating ends up happening, you are in a total world of confusion. I for one also hated cheaters before I cheated, I used to look at them as people who would care less for another person. Now I simply see them as humans (well except for habitual cheaters, those are just cruel)

 

Therefore its pretty complicated IMO. Unmet needs is one, a break in communication is another. Sometimes one thinks to themselves, do I constantly have to keep nagging a person about my wants and needs?

 

I will give my example:

 

Before I cheated, my now ex and I had sex once every two weeks or so and this bothered me (for about 6 months). When I would suggest we go out on weekends, all she would want to do is sleep and watch tv. When it came to talking about our issues, she would focus on her soaps rather than pay attention to what I was saying. Crap! She thought that I liked dwelling on issues. I was even hurt when on numerous occassions when I would plan that we do something fun and she would end up cancelling cause she had other issues that would arise (which she left till late to sort out). It got to the point whereby, my parents had come from out of the country, planned to take me out for dinner on my birthday, and she cancelled because she had not finished her assignment which was due the following day. I even ended up helping her with her assignment all the same (After I came from the dinner with my folks). Then the final blow was when I had gotten a big client account and needed her to stay with me for a week cause I needed the support and companionship and she left to go home on holiday. I had highlighted me needing her around quite a few times but no, she did not listen. Thats when I felt this deep emotional hole within myself, ended up drunk and cheated!

 

I still hate what I did but those were the contributing factors.

 

So yeah its about communication and the meeting of a each other's needs more than anything else!

[noforgiveness]

Hey Noforgiveness,

 

I was really glad to see your replies on this thread....I thought you had left....anyway, just wanted to say I appreciate and read most of the stuff you replied to....you simply told the truth....

 

Cheating is what started my life on the wrong track....realizing recently that my mother was BW and OW, and my father had OW...4 marriages and they all cheated, working around people that were always cheating....thinking now that was normal for me and it mostlikely how I ended up OW.....but that was too much, something had to give.

 

The truth, and the way it was worded and presented by you and others, pulled out the person that has been there all along.

 

Thank you. That means a lot after the bashing I've been getting.

[noforgiveness]

Yes, I noticed, which is why I thought I would illustrate it. This is the second thread we've had some fun together on. I look forward to the next time because I find this strangely therapeutic. It's like having my own toy OW to express things with.

 

 

:laugh:

[pureinheart]

Thank you. That means a lot after the bashing I've been getting.

 

I really haven't understood the bashing, the only thing I can come up with is the truth was hitting directly to the heart of these matters....Trialbyfire got it too, I did when first joining this forum.

 

Truth cuts like a surgeons knife, removing the cancerous lies...some are quite hypersensitive to this....

 

My value system was damaged at a very early age, and mostlikely the same thing happened to my parents. Most of our parents grew up in an era where nobody talks about anything....shoved under the carpet....then the era of exposure came. The Oprah Whinfrey show opened the door to much exposure.

 

The 60's and 70's were about "free love"....then the 80's, "if it feels good, do it"....the 90's and 00's are a result of the moral departure from truth...the anything goes attitude, I hope goes right out the door.

 

Most people will defend the lie...NF you haven't been unbecoming....I remember when first going into counceling almost 15 yrs ago, it was at the church and was group participation coupled with accountability outside of the group...sort of like AA....tough love doesnot even begin to describe it....in the group the giving couples would sit and listen to us whine and distort truth, and they would come unglued, telling us the FACTS....we were spoiled rotten brats, giving selfish a new meaning....

 

Those days were very humbling, but if it hadn't been for those people, who knows where I would be today.

 

Though many scoff and retaliate concerning the truth, the truth never comes up void, you all are making more of a difference than you think!

[silktricks]

Thank you. That means a lot after the bashing I've been getting.

NF and TBF, I enjoy your postings on LS. This site needs people like you. People who say what's important to say and say it with style.

 

I've tried very hard to be a good voice on LS, but unfortunately, when my H posted on my account things got screwed up for me. It was very convenient for OW to figure that anything he said was really me, and as a result, I now feel like very much of a pariah.

 

Honesty is not well rewarded here, and anyone who says things that are not agreed with by the OW crowd they conveniently assume are either lies or vitriol. It's so sad that the only words some believe are the words they agree with. Anything outside of their little circle of convenience is cast out.

[Chapter2]

You are right, once again, it is your husband's actions that brought you the credibility issue if there is any. And, no, it wasn't just convenient to believe something. You, yourself, posted that you would question the integrity of the post if you were in another's shoes.

 

Honesty, from what I've seen, is GREATLY rewarded here...when the honesty is given with respect and without shame.

 

If you need to believe that anything outside of the OW's "little circle of convenience is cast out" then that is a choice you and you alone are making. It doesn't make it truth.

 

You are welcome here ST's and always have been. Several jumped to your defense so I'm not sure what your pariah feeling is born out of.

 

If your convictions of what the OW must conveniently believe are based in anything real then I would think you would feel not only comfortable in continuing to post but compelled to do so in order to further what you perceive to be truth.

 

Your opinion is every bit as valid as anyone else's.

 

I've tried very hard to be a good voice on LS, but unfortunately, when my H posted on my account things got screwed up for me. It was very convenient for OW to figure that anything he said was really me, and as a result, I now feel like very much of a pariah.

 

Honesty is not well rewarded here, and anyone who says things that are not agreed with by the OW crowd they conveniently assume are either lies or vitriol. It's so sad that the only words some believe are the words they agree with. Anything outside of their little circle of convenience is cast out.

[silktricks]

You are right, once again, it is your husband's actions that brought you the credibility issue if there is any. And, no, it wasn't just convenient to believe something. You, yourself, posted that you would question the integrity of the post if you were in another's shoes.

 

 

I'm not really sure what you are saying here. Is it my husband's fault that my credibility came into question? Of course it is.

 

I don't think I said that I'd question the integrity of the post, though it's possible those are the words that I used - I don't feel like looking it up right now. I wasn't really that worried about the single post my H screwed up on, I found it somewhat amusing. I did feel like I would be on trial for a period of time and that I could understand that. Maybe it's just harder than I expected it to be.

 

Honesty, from what I've seen, is GREATLY rewarded here...when the honesty is given with respect and without shame.

I think that honesty is very rewarded by both BS and OW when the honesty we receive is what we expect. The problem is that honesty isn't always what we expect. It's then very easy for anyone to assume what they want to assume, that the person writing is either dishonest or duped.

 

And to be honest - sometimes honesty IS simply anger and vitriol wrapped in the blanket of "I was just being honest", but that's no more true of BS than it is of OW or OW than it is of BS. (there's a joke imbedded in that statement, so please take it well.)

 

If you need to believe that anything outside of the OW's "little circle of convenience is cast out" then that is a choice you and you alone are making. It doesn't make it truth.

It may not appear to be the truth to you from where you are standing, but for me from where I'm standing, it does appear that way, and, by the way, I didn't mean all OW's.

 

You are welcome here ST's and always have been. Several jumped to your defense so I'm not sure what your pariah feeling is born out of.

True, several did jump to my defense, and I appreciated it greatly. However, I also noticed that most posts that I made following that were quite simply and politely ignored. Due to experiences in my youth (which is completely irrelevant on this forum) I am quite sensitive to shunning, and possibly I have over-reacted.

 

{snip}

Your opinion is every bit as valid as anyone else's.

Thank-you.

 

Now, just like NF, I really don't want to hijack this thread anymore than I already have.

[Chapter2]

We all have our individual filters and perceptions. That has everything to do with this thread. I have zero need, however, to have you see things in any other way then how you choose to see them. Have a good night.

 

I'm not really sure what you are saying here. Is it my husband's fault that my credibility came into question? Of course it is.

 

I don't think I said that I'd question the integrity of the post, though it's possible those are the words that I used - I don't feel like looking it up right now. I wasn't really that worried about the single post my H screwed up on, I found it somewhat amusing. I did feel like I would be on trial for a period of time and that I could understand that. Maybe it's just harder than I expected it to be.

 

 

I think that honesty is very rewarded by both BS and OW when the honesty we receive is what we expect. The problem is that honesty isn't always what we expect. It's then very easy for anyone to assume what they want to assume, that the person writing is either dishonest or duped.

 

And to be honest - sometimes honesty IS simply anger and vitriol wrapped in the blanket of "I was just being honest", but that's no more true of BS than it is of OW or OW than it is of BS. (there's a joke imbedded in that statement, so please take it well.)

 

 

It may not appear to be the truth to you from where you are standing, but for me from where I'm standing, it does appear that way, and, by the way, I didn't mean all OW's.

 

 

True, several did jump to my defense, and I appreciated it greatly. However, I also noticed that most posts that I made following that were quite simply and politely ignored. Due to experiences in my youth (which is completely irrelevant on this forum) I am quite sensitive to shunning, and possibly I have over-reacted.

 

 

Thank-you.

 

Now, just like NF, I really don't want to hijack this thread anymore than I already have.

[Trialbyfire]

Thanks NF, PIH and ST. You three ladies understand the direction that I'm coming from.

[frannie]

TrialbyFire,

 

Yawn ..

 

That's the typical response. "Just leave!" or "Try and work it out". These responses further prove my point that unless you've been there, you can't know how silly this advice sounds.

 

"Just leave" means leaving my kids and moving to an apartment somewhere where I get to see them once every other week. If you don't have kids, or you don't care about them, then please do those who do a favor and stop with this stupid suggestion. You think that already hasn't been considered?

 

"Try and work it out" or "deal with the issues" once again operates from the comforting assumption that the other partner someone with whom one can work something out with. No matter how much someone like me asserts that this has been tried already for years, the response invariably is something to the effect of not having tried hard enough. In fact I still hear the "have you tried a hot bath together?" suggestion for people in my position.

 

THIS is what I mean by not having been there, and therefore not knowing really what the situation is likw. You may think you know it, but you really don't. You can read all you want about Paris and know more about it than the the person who goes there for a year. But the person who was there is really the only one who knows what it's like.

 

Well I'm on page 8 or something, a few days ago... I have no idea how this thread ends up, but I'd just like to say... that this is the kind of thing my MM was saying to me a year or more ago.

 

I don't know where you went from here, or where the thread went... but I just wanted to say that there is an OW/OM forum on here and we're always looking for a 'MM' (married male person having an affair) to come and post... and well, if you're still around, you would be very welcome over there.

 

I've read this thread (so far) with a certain amount of horror. All these 'inappropriate wants' that people are supposed to live with till they die, just because they made a vow? What about the other part of the vow..? loving and cherishing? IF someone is not living up to their part of the marriage, they are NOT fulfilling THEIR vows either. It cuts both ways.

 

And I completely understand everything you've said about not wanting to leave because of missing your children. As I said at the beginning of this post... that's been the case with my MM too. But if you listened to the 'received wisdom' from those commenting on affairs... that's just bull you're talking .

[Ladyjane14]

All these 'inappropriate wants' that people are supposed to live with till they die, just because they made a vow? What about the other part of the vow..? loving and cherishing? IF someone is not living up to their part of the marriage, they are NOT fulfilling THEIR vows either. It cuts both ways.

 

Looks good on paper, Frannie... but in reality, 'failure to cherish' won't give anybody AIDS.

 

Just food for thought.

[frannie]

Looks good on paper, Frannie... but in reality, 'failure to cherish' won't give anybody AIDS.

 

Just food for thought.

 

What does AIDS have to do with anything?

 

I noticed this seems to be a big topic all of a sudden... sleep with a new person GET AIDS. Well, that goes for sleeping with ANY new partner, whoever they are.

 

Unless you're talking about sleeping around with no concern for the sexual health of those you're sleeping with, this is irrelevant where relationships are concerned.

 

Having AN affair does not constitute 'sleeping around'.