seperation after only 6 months:

[bit11]

Hi, Thanks to anyone that has some advice. Here is the situation.

 

I was married 6 months ago. Had a great wedding and honeymooned in Spain and France for 2 1/2 weeks. 1 week after returning from the honeymoon my father in law and a heart attack and died at 52 years old. My wife and he were close and she showed very little emotion regarding the whole thing. After his death my wife started going out more often and staying out longer with friends once in a while being late for plans with me. This caused problems with me and I didn't handle it very well, we would have arguements and I have a big mouth sometimes say things that are out of line, especially when drinking. In fact I can only remember one time really fighting with her when drinking was not involved. Anyhow.

 

3 weeks ago we are lying in bed and she tells me that she is not in love with me anymore and that we should seperate. At first she was very adament about the fact that this is how she feels and doesn't think anything will change her mind. She plans on moving out Dec. 1 which she did.

 

In the meantime the first week she spent a night or two away from home at moms and sister s house the rest of the time she was home. In those 3 weeks we spent alot of time sociolizing and going out. We went to night clubs, out to dinner, to an engagement party, and sat and just watched movies. We had a real good time each time out. We danced closely, held hands walking to the car, and cuddled in the same bed each night. A couple of nights I fell asleep on the couch and she would wake me asking if i was coming to bed. There were nights i would wake up and her arms would be around me or we would be holding hands.

 

All this is going on while she is insisting that she does not love me anymore and needs time on her own. There were times she would really say some brutal things to me like when I asked to see a counselor she said"the counselor can't make me love you". Just really insensitive.

She really would come up with all the reasons and instances that she did not like, as if she was reaching for reasons.

 

This all became very confusing but I just went with it hoping she would change her mind. The week she moved out she discussed Christmas plans, asked what I wanted for Christmas, talked about a certain wine we needed to start buying for the house(even though she had only 3 days left in the house). She mentioned to her step mom that she was not sure what she wanted. So I guess that is a sure sign for confusion. She even asked me one night if I though it was a waste of money for her to move out. I said the fact that we are getting along so well lately that I think we have made great progress. But she kept her promise to move out.

 

When she moved out I asked how she explained the good times we had lately and she said it was because I was on my best behavior and she felt bad for what she was doing. To me my wife is not a faker if she is not feeling it then she isn't going through the motions because she feels bad.

 

Anyway she moved out yesterday, I have made sure that I have not called and plan on staying that path as long as my strength pervails.

Does anyone have opinions on what I should do, and can anyone explain the confusion she put me through for the last 3 weeks.

 

I love my wife and really want to have her back!!!!!!!!! Thanks

[Rooster_DAR]

I just went through the same thing, the best thing you can do is let her be and take care of yourself. It's going to be very sad for a long time, but that's what this site is here for.

 

BTW, this is happening everywhere all the time. It's like an epidemic or something.

[bit11]

well that is not all that optimistic. i kind of feel that she is obviously confused and if i distance myself for a while (nc) that the confusion will hopefully turn my way. i refuse to be sad for a long time. the hell with her before i met her she lived in a room in her sisters house and i put her in beautiful home

[bit11]

what a hard day i thought about my wife all day. Our second day without any communication. this sucks

[ilmw]

what a hard day i thought about my wife all day. Our second day without any communication. this sucks

 

Be pepaired for lots of these days... find your strength.. find something positive and proactive to keep yourself busy.. work out... run.... tire yourself out.. when not doing this... read every thing you can get your hands on.. on relationships...marriage self growth... etc..

 

This is a white knuckle roller coaster ride from hell... if you got the balls.. you will learn to ride it with the ability to go on day by day...

 

I'm still going up.. and down...up and down.. ... but as with anything worth doing... you will find the strength.

 

Stay strong..and post lots...

 

BTW.. I recommend Divorce Busting.. google it:) .. it will explain allot..

[norajane]

How old are you two, and how long did you date before marriage?

 

Maybe the reality of marriage isn't what she was expecting. Since she said you were on your "best behavior" the past three weeks, and all you did was go out a lot and pay lots of attention to her, she might have expected that marriage was going to be all about going out and getting lots of attention - rather than the less exciting day-to-day kind of real life. She might have loved dating you, but marriage isn't her idea of a good time.

 

Before getting married, did you talk about what your lives together would be like? Did you talk of any goals and dreams for yourselves regarding careers, housing, children, pets, travel, etc.? Was she excited about these plans and goals? If you don't share any dreams and aren't working toward anything together, she might be questioning what the point is of trying to work on your marriage - especially if it's not as "fun" and "social" and "exciting" as dating was.

 

Or she may have fallen out of love as she said. If you haven't known each other long, the initial buzz may have faded, but she hadn't truly begun to love you yet when it did, so the only answer was for her to leave.

 

Just throwing some thoughts out to see if anything rings a bell.

 

As far as what to do - give her time and space where you don't see her, don't contact her. Let her contact you if she wants to talk. Don't go chasing after her - respect yourself and see that you deserve better treatment from your wife - the woman who made some serious vows six months ago.

 

When she does contact you, don't try to convince her to come back. Instead, tell her she's right. If she doesn't love you, then your marriage isn't going to work and you don't want her to come back. Be polite, don't get angry, but be firm in that you don't want her back if she doesn't love you.

 

That may get her thinking about what she really wants and feels. If you cling and act needy and try to get her to come back, you'll probably push her further away.

[MNo]

Norajane told my story. Story of my wife.

 

She left me after 8 years of dating and just 5 months of marriage. As you said my wife and probably your wife expected something that exists just on movies, some ideal life-marriage. They got disappointed in the start and that was the beginning of the end.

 

Some people just give up, without fight. If you want something then you have to fight for it, but our wife's obviously didn't want to fight, expecting it all to come by itself, and they just gave up. Maybe it makes them bad people, maybe not, but it certainly shows them as unstable person. You do not need unstable person in your life. You, me, everybody, needs someone who will fight for his happiness, marriage, someone who wont just give up, someone who will respect vows till the end. I am like that so I certainly expected of my wife to be like that, but she was not.

 

Bit11, best thing you can do is to accept the facts, and the fact is that she doesn't want you in her life anymore. Accept it! It's the first step to getting better. Don't ask yourself why, how, what I did wrong... It will get you nowhere. Think about the future. Think about all the possibilities. Stop going back to past.

 

It's hard, it's ugly but that is life. Fight your feelings fight your pain.

 

You’ll get over it. You’ll be fine. It takes time, how long, it depends on you.

[bit11]

i have been on the divorce busting site and have bought the book it is good stuff.

 

we always went out alot but it just seemed that our conversation was much better the last 3 weeks. this is probably because i was more attentive to her and a better listener. she mentioned that i was on my best behavior i just need time to show her that that is the new me. i have learned so much the last 4 weeks about how to handle situations.

 

what bothers me is that i read alot of the other threads and it seems that other couples were alot worse off then we were. a weeks before this all came out she was telling me she loved me and calling me all the time. she went to a friends for dinner one night and called a couple times just to say hi.

 

anyway i will continue working on my divorce busting techniques.

 

btw: should i look into the fact that she has left some things here. she was going to pick them up but hasn't gotten around to it.

[bit11]

her last night in the house she said "this is not our last night together" can i hold onto this. she just seems so sure that she is going to have all the time in the world to workout her issues.

 

i hope i have the strength to nc for a while. part of me thinks it would be ok to call and say hello as long as i am strong and up beat. i was thinking of even thanking her for the opportunity that she is giving me to do alot of soul searching so i will be better prepared the next time around.

[bit11]

just some thoughts don't mean to ramble but it feels better to write.

 

why would my wife want me sleeping in the same bed when she was still home even though she was scheduled to move out?

 

we even had sex last wednesday.

 

on friday she went to kmart and bought things for the house for me.

[ilmw]

Well IMHO you have 2 choices..

 

1) You tell her.. WTF.. you leave or you don't leave.. stop all this mind game crap!!!

 

or..

 

2) Keep your mouth shut.. Db... and hope for the best... and expect the worst...(keeps expectations low... and prepares you for possible divorce).. while still hopin you will reconcile... does the head in some times.. but if you love her enough.. you will get used to it.. a little:o .. Just keep your balls...k

 

I'm sure others... will add to this..

 

It has not been that long for you... so... maybe just wait and see... if you will get her head back soon... Time will tell...

 

Patience... patience.. and more patience is what you may require..

 

best of luck.. oh yeah... keep reading and posting

ilmw

[bit11]

thanks this forum helps alot. went to my counselor today she is helpful. she says my wife certainly shows signs of caring but her anger is keeping her abay. give it time be patient, and she doesn't think i should make the first contact.

[norajane]

Anger? Why does your therapist think she's angry? You haven't mentioned anything about your wife being angry except during your arguments about going out.

 

Again, how old are you two, and how long did you date before marriage? How well did you know each other?

[jmargel]

It seems like I give the same advice to poster on here, wish a moderator could sticky it.

 

I use this analogy, some women get offended.. but here it goes..

 

I train dogs quite a bit, especially german shepherds. With shepherds they are used for a number of work/tasks,etc.. some that make you rely on them with your life. So that being said you want a very, very close bond with them. Knowing they will always be by your side.

 

When they are pups, I have someone old them back while I run out about 50 yards. I excitedly call their name and watch them try to swirm out of the arms that are holding them back. When they finally break free, they come running as fast as they could, however I run the opposite way continuing to call their name. Now I have a dog chasing me, whereas normally when a dog is out the more you run after it, the faster it runs away.

 

Same goes in this type of situation. Let her come to you, she is unsure of what's going through her head. You are becoming the emotional punching bag from her father's death. She hasn't dealt with that in the right manner. Only couseling will be able to help her out in that department.

 

Normally I would say just turn off all contact, but there are signs here that she needs help. Don't go a long time without talking to her but when you do just say 'I love you and whenever you want to talk about anything I am here'. Then leave it in her court. That tells her that you know there is something going on and needs to be discussed but you will wait until she's ready.

 

Don't beg, don't act different then you normally are. Don't bring up her father either. Just mention that you don't know what is going on right now within' her but that perhaps a counselor might help.

 

It's a fine line to walk right now. You don't want to totally push her away but you don't want to baby her allowing her to do things to you without consequences.

 

Also make sure when you talk to her to use the words 'I understand'. As long as a woman believes she is being understood you have a much greater chance on getting her to open up and communicate more with you.

[bit11]

nora jane,

 

thanks for the replies. i am 35 she is 27. we lived together 1 1/2 years before we got married. she is angry at some of the fights we have had. she is bringing up every negative thing that we have gone through, she is probably having this anger because it makes it easier for her to distant herself a little. she was certainly fighting the anger before we officially seperated. she even got angry when i sent flowers because she said i should have done it earlier and not wait until things are like this.

[bit11]

jmargel,

 

that is the route i am taking i have not contacted her yet, also kind of surprised she hasn't either. especially since she still has stuff at the house and is getting alot of mail. nice sheperd story, i have a sheperd to. her name is cole she is 75 % all white and 25% black and silver. she is moping because she misses my wife.

[norajane]

So, you're not children, and you knew each other well, even to the point of living together when you got married.

 

I'm actually starting to lean toward her having unresolved issues over her father's death. She's seeking solace in social activities that help her forget, and she's lashing out at you, probably because she is sad about his premature death and she can't do anything about it...you are a convenient target.

 

She really ought to see a counselor to help her deal with that issue. And she really shouldn't be making life-altering decisions about your marriage until she has sorted that through.

 

How is she with other things in her life? Is she having any issues at work? Is she getting along well with other people?

[bit11]

you wouldn't know anything even happened. you have never seen someone smile so muchl. that is why it was such a shock to me because my wife always seems to be in a good mood.

[norajane]

She's in denial. I predict a crash at some point.

 

Has she always been unrelentingly cheerful, or is this only since her father's death?

[bit11]

she always has been. but she also has family issues from childhood that she has never delt with re: a relative abuse

[bit11]

i wonder why the mornings are the toughest. we have had no contact for the past 3 days and it seems like a lot longer. i guess it will if it is someone that you have been with and talked to everyday for several years. i actually felt ok about things last night. my counselor doesn't think i should contact her for any reason the only arguement i have is that i want to stay fresh in her mind, right now it feels like weeks since seeing or talking to her. she has had quite a bit of mail and i don't know if i should call to let her know. she had some packages delivered i am sure she knows about, i wonder if she hasn't gotten them because i more or less have not been home much so she couldn't bump into me. is it her way of keeping a foot in the door? she also said she would be by to help out with and see the pets but she has not to my knowledge been home, i find this weird especially since she drives by the house to get to and from work. anyway thanks for listening everyone.

[Krytellan]

This is puzzling. I am usually the eternal pessimist, but something about this story just feels different. I get the sense that she really does care and really does love you. I don't get the impression that the events that led to her moving out (i.e., the last 3 weeks, sex and shopping included) were meant to confuse you, but rather an attempt for her to reconnect to the relationship. Maybe she knows what you two have and feels that it was being forgotten by both of you. The behaviors you told of her suggest someone who is strongwilled and maybe the reason she insisted on moving out even though things were going well is because she realized that the symptoms had not disappeared, but rather were forgotten momentarily. She may feel the only way to truly either come to a decision or to make the two of you realize what was at stake was to follow through with her plan. And lets face it, if she doesn't follow through, she also loses credibility.

 

Sit tight and see where she goes from her... but let HER do the initiating. I would expect to wait until the holidays or perhaps the new year to get a sense for what is happening. Not useful info surely, but something about this portrays a woman who really cares.

[bit11]

krytellen,

 

thanks. i agree that is why it is so confusing to me. i am surprised that i have not heard from her lately. i even mentioned halloween night we went out and chatted at the end of the night and said she is confused why she does not put me first. she said she always put others before herself but with me she is being more selfish. i said maybe you don't love me and she said that is not it ask my mom i tell her all the time how much i love you.

 

she is certainly fighting herself with something. i cant

understand why she has not been by the house.(i don't mean to see me< i am gone most of the time she could easily come in get more stuff see the pets and stuff) i wonder if it is hard on her. if someone didn't care i think they would come and go as they please. it is not like we left on bad terms.

 

before we split she was making sure that i was planning to spend the holidays at her sisters house, that may change but why was it important to her. she asked what i want for christmas. i dont get it. the one i really don't get is when she mentioned the certain wine we need to start buying for the house and this is 3 days before she was ready to go.

 

the confusion maybe the worst part.

[Krytellan]

I can see why it is so frustrating. There just doesn't seem to be a motive for her caring like she portrays. Do you feel that she thinks she has somethign to gain by "dangling a carrot" in front of you? I dont get that sense.

 

In my life, I have known 2 women who I could see acting in this way. They were very proud and virtuous to themselves and past experiences had made them very cautious about things. Almost to the point where they lost the ability to see the forest for all the trees. Everything needed defining. If there was any doubts or conflicts internally (something all people deal with on a daily basis) they would perceive it as some indicator of concern and spend much energy trying to uncover the "meaning" of it. I just get the feeling she is someone who is getting "lost" in her thoughts and feelings and is having difficulty functioning beyond those concerns.

 

There may be something awry, but I would be surprised. If I were you, I would be inclined to be content in knowing that she is sincere in her actions and does seem to truly care for you. Maybe this is nothing more than a much needed clearing of her mind. Some people need to remove themselves from a situation before they can see what it is... especially those that are overly thoughtful about things.

 

Good luck. You may want to consider that this is gonna be OK.

[jmargel]

jmargel,

 

that is the route i am taking i have not contacted her yet, also kind of surprised she hasn't either. especially since she still has stuff at the house and is getting alot of mail. nice sheperd story, i have a sheperd to. her name is cole she is 75 % all white and 25% black and silver. she is moping because she misses my wife.

 

In this situation I would call her to see if she is ok. Do you think she might be suicidal? Alot is stacking up on her now. Her father's death, the past abuse she's received, the marriage she is dealing with.. plus work, fiances, etc.. I would call her and ask her if she's ok. Tell her you are worried about her and that anytime she needs to talk you are here, you can still let her know you love her. Most of the time people are on here because their spouse is cheating and I tell them to play the tough love part. However this seems a little different, it's like she's held back so much over the years and now it's just come out as an explosion. It could be too much to take for some people and she needs someone there.

 

As for your shepherd, he will do that. When my ex-fiancee left my one shepherd just went nuts. All she would do is lay by the window waiting for her to come home.. she never did. This went on for weeks, along with biting & scratching herself into a oblivion. Numerous vet visits they finally conceded with me that it was due to her leaving. They gave her a shot that was suppose to calm her down for two weeks, it only lasted one day. At that point there was nothing I could do except just spend alot of time with her. It took a few months before she was able to get over it. German shepherds are a very unique dog. Once they bond with someone it's set in stone. I wish relationships/marriage were like that..

 

BTW what she said prior to her leaving, don't over-analyze that. The night before my ex-fiancee left she was kissing me and telling me how much she loved me. The next morning she tells me she's leaving & has feelings for my (now) ex-friend. I don't understand how they could do that either, if I am going to leave someone the last thing I would do is make future plans with them or tell them how much I love them.. That, I don't have an answer for.