seperation after only 6 months:

[Krytellan]

She has a big day tomorrow... that is exactly why you DONT talk to her. She will be more sensitive to not having you on a big day like this right? This big day could be a good thing... just let it ride.

[bit11]

oh well to late. she called me again and left a message as to whether our dog was fed.(she says she stopped by to see the dog for the second time in 3 days.) i was away for the weekend and called her back because i didn't want her not to feed her. she was fairly distant on the phone and didn't seem near as chipper as usual. Who knows what is in her head. i just think that if someone is that unhappy in their marriage they don't come by every other day to see the dog. it seems to be a convenient excuse. i certainly wanted more out of my conversation then i got but after stepping back i guess it is a decent sign. oh, i also wished her luck in a competition she has tommorrow and asked her what time it was at and she said "we go on at 12:06" almost as if she would like me to go. but i won't .

[bit11]

how do i develop these plans on marriage builders? i went on the site and am not sure what you mean.

[Gunny376]

First off ~ its "Gunny" as in Gunneryt Sergeant LOL!

 

As for the information about Plan A and Plan B? Dr. Haley initially developed it when infidelity was the issue in the disalloution in the marriage ~ but it can be appllied to your sitauation ~ the key is for you to begin to interact differently than you were prevously

 

Ref:

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

 

 

You may also be interested in these articles

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html

 

In particular

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5038_qa.html

 

As far as going to the big event. e-mails, contact ~ take you cue from her ~ but as a general rule go slow ~ walking through a mine field slow.

 

As another general rule I wouldn't contact her except once for each two or three times that she contacts you first.

 

Hey! No one said this was easy. And, its going to take a least twice as long to put it back together (if not three times or more) than it took for it to go down.

 

Chad has been going through this for nine months or better. UK Surfer went thorugh it for a good six months.

 

She left because her perception was that you've always have been the way that you've been, and that you're always are going to be that way. Your problem is that you lack the necessary skill set to be married to her or anyone. I mean its not we have to take a mandatory class or anything, and most of what we learn about being married and how to be married we learn OJT and on the fly at that.

 

As a rule ~ to become good at a certain skill you need to diligintly perfom it for a good two to three years. To master it ~ we're talking about a good ten years. For instance I was good at what I did in the Marine Corps within about three years. I mastered it when I had about ten years, and I excelled once I when I had thirteen years in. I was literally the one of the top Marines in my field worldwide ~ outperforming those of higher rank and years more of experience.

 

I failed in marriage ~ because I went into with a mimimual comprehenshion of what women need and want, what marriage is all about, what emotional needs are (totally clueless about that one until I found LS and MB's).

 

Its not just about your making changes. Its about acquiring the necessary skill set to be married in the first place. This is a life long course of study by the way. As I general rule I advocate reading or working through some relationship/marriage books, tapes, CD's, a mimimum of once a year. (Also include something on personal finance ~ another life long subject to be studied.)

 

In the beginning the equation is going to look like E = r, in which E means you have to put in a great deal of effort, with little results. But, with time, persistence, perseverance, determination the equation flips to

e=R, in which very little effort will yield Hugh Results.

 

You've only breifly alluded to what her "beef" is with you, (your mouth). I'm just guessing here, but with your having been a successful businessman, connotates that you're a take charge kind of guy. Which is one side of the coin, but if you flip that same coin on it other side ~ that's just a way of saying that your "controlling"

 

The only way you're going to control any woman in the long run is to get to know her ~ and I'm talking about really knowing her, her wants, her needs, her hopes, her dreams, her fears, her doubts. Once having done so, the way you so called control her is not by using that knowledge to further your own personal agenda, but by being part of her answers and solutions, and not part of her questions and problems, and in supporting her in meeting her agenda.

 

Nothing I'm saying here is "stone" It all needs to be applied in the light of your own personal situation and fine tuned and refined accordingly. It require patience, patience, patience ~ there is no shake and bake quick fix. There is no panacea solution. It requires gaining and maintaing self control, exerting self discipline, gaining control and mastery of your emotions and emotional state. It requires balance and obtaining harmony in all you say and do. It requires being consistencey.

 

I wouldn't so much attempt to sell "Look! I've changed" its going to blow up in your face damn near everytime. I would attempt to feature and beneifit that you're acquiring the skill set(s) necessary to be successfully married ~ to the current wife or anyone else. Without the pain ~ there really is no gain ~ and without learning that which you need to learn from this experience your destined to repeat it again and again and again, only to find yourself sitting at the "old folks" home talking about your first, second, third and fourth XW?

 

As far as the dogs go ~ that part of all of this. She does "X" and you sit around analysising that for days. She does "Y" and off you go again.

 

I can tell you what the deal about the dogs is ~ its what it is on its face value ~ she concerned about the dogs. End of conversation.

 

I can absolutely promise you! If you start calling all the time, e-mailing her all the time ~ you will absolutely drive her out of your life.

 

Ref:

 

Wolfe's and UK Surfer's, and ilmw's threads. This is how you need to be approaching this.

 

Finally you need to accept that cold hard reality of the fact that she may be gone from your life for good ~ simplly because you fraked up!? Granted you did so out of ignorance (you just didn't know any better at the time ~ because you lacked the necessary knowledge base, experienced, and skill set(s). If that's the case? Then at least learn and grow from the experience.

 

In closing, something that may be of use to you is Dr. Ellen Kreigmen's Light Her Fire" program. I can't link you because of LS policy ~ so you'll have to Goggle it.

[Gunny376]

Fair enough...

 

My intent was this... you seem to want a quick fix... and desperate.. to have this taken care of now...

 

I do understand this desire... trust me... I do...

 

But.. if you lose your patience.. Do you see what I mean now...?

 

I am not taking away from what you have and are doing... not at all..

 

But... it may take a lot longer than you hope for... you can only control your behaviour.. and not hers... right?

 

Thats all...

 

ilmw

 

Not to take sides, but even here at LS, your post come off as being desperate and scream of being impaitence.

 

You also come off to me as a "take charge" no nonesense, professional businessman type. What serves you so well in business ~ will not serve you in marriage.

 

I knew this guy in the Marines, and everyday he would come home and take off his cover, and hang it on a hook on the outside wall of his garage. We're talking the "smoke the bear" DI covers, (sorry, in the Marines we call any and all head gear, aka civilian term "hats" ~ covers). These things are made of felt, and your issue two. One for everyday, and one for cermonies and parades. After that, the money to replace on that has become "un-servicable" comes out of your pocket not the Marine Corps. They're not cheap, about $70 a pop. By his leaving his outside, made it susceptaible to the elements. and humidity and mositure would do one in quick, fast, and in a hurry like. We even have special "forms" to keep them in when we're not wearing them for more than a day.

 

Finally, I asked him why he did that? He said, "When I walk in my backdoor to my wife and children ~ I'm not SSgt Smucketelle, I'm the husband and father, and I leave all of that at work and at the backdoor!"

 

The same "gung-ho" (Mandarian Chinnesse ~ means "working together") aprroach that works so well for you in your professional life, will absolutely destroy your marriage.

 

I tried to explain the following concept to my daughter when she got married. In a marriage there are actually three seperate "enties". There's "him" you, and "us" The one in charge isn't him, it isn't you, its "us"

 

In trying to pull this all back togther we're not talking about "patience" we're taling about PATIENCE!

 

To be completely honest with you, the investment of time, effort, energy, and yes even money that is require in this project is HUGH! Even then, the ROI (Return On Investment) is questionable and perhaps even negligibale. In the end you may end up standing there with nothing for your investment other than your hat in your hand, (hopefully not your azz). And, to the same investment of time, effort, energy and money would net you one, two or even twenty other women.

 

Is it worth it? Well, all women are "trouble" (and the oppositte is true for women when it comes to men) with most of them being more trouble than their worth. That is to say, no matter which women you get with ~ she's going to cause you some grief, trouble, and problems. Its not a question of "if" but when.

 

You'll know if she's worth it, when your average bud can look at you and say, "Hey! Why are you putting up with that crap! Can't you see all the problems and trouble she's causing you?! WTF?" and you can say, "Yea! I know! But, she's worth it!" In short, at the end of the day, the books get balanced out, and she's bringing more to the table than she's taking from it. And, some of that can't be clearly defined in material assets, and in $$. There's a such thing called "oddles" which is the feeling you derive from having something that they and only they can bring into your life!

[Gunny376]

"Oddles" are :love: :love: X 10

[bit11]

hey gunny thanks for all the effort you put into that. (by the way sorry for spelling on the name, long weekend)

after reading that it seems that i need to apply plan a at least that is what i should do first. i had though of the kind of out of sight out of mind and really don't want that to happen to me. plan a sounds good for me because(tell me if you agree)

 

4 weeks ago when we first started talking about the seperation i think i basically was doing a partial version of plan a. i certainly did a 180 on my behavior in terms of being more conscience of helping around the house, being more considerate and polite, but also being much more patient and really just take a back seat to whatever she wanted to do. if she made a decision that previously upset me i became much more patient and just went with it in the last 4 weeks. i was also much more pleasant and really happy just to have a night out with her. like i previously said i think we made dramatic progress in our relationship in these 4 weeks. she spent real quality time with me when she could have just as easily picked another avenue of entertainment. her mother, sister, friends, grandmother all people close to her just as easily could have been her excuse while we were waiting for the first of December to roll around and her apartment to be ready. now, she did catch herself a couple of times from falling into the trap of completely believing that i was changing and did mention that i was only on my best behavior because of the drastic decision that she had made. on these times she actually over did her pull back and was basically mean and harsh about it. she is not a mean person but i guess she was scared of falling into a trap, and she was also angry that it took her to make this kind of decision to get me to treat her like i should have all along. for example when i got her flowers she mentioned why did it take you 2 years to buy me flowers.

 

she has not said this but i really believe that she still loves me quite a bit.

 

i do believe that she is using the dog issue as an excuse.(i know that i should not look into every act of behavior to closely) it does not take her 2 hours of time with the dog, not to mention i am not sure it should be something that brings her to tears. she actually was upset at me yesterday because when i told her that i was away for the weekend that i didn't ask for help with the dogs i had another friend check in a couple of times a day.

 

tell me if i am wrong:

 

when someone moves out of the the house one of two things happen.

 

1. they actually are really happy with their decision to be on there own. that have this new found freedom and they are tickled to death with there decision.

 

2. from the door they are second guessing there decison and question whether they made the right one. if your the person that moved out i am not sure that you should be still confused and upset about your move. Part of this trauma maybe that they can't go back on this because they lose creditbility when it came to this. (when we would go out i would not talk R talk at all i let her bring up things. One night she had a funny question that i kind of feel is odd. She asked if i thought it was a waste of money for her to move out? For the life of me i can't figure this out. If your running from a situation wouldn't this be the furthest thing from your mind?)

 

by the way: your right about the control thing. i am a take charge kind of person and like things done my way. i really need to step back from this. my counselor says because of my wifes childhood she has serious issues with control.(because people of control of her did not always have her best in mind) this was probably our biggest thing. if i made an issue with her going out after work , she would stay out longer to just spite me. when i just ignored it she would be home much sooner.

 

so lets recap:

 

i need to have times that i talk and or see her she must initiate most of this. now the key is that when i do see or talk to her. Maybe 1 or 2 times a week up to her.

 

no relationship talk

none of that kind of stuff

just happiness friendliness (the only thing i worry about is if her ring is not on, i can't let that effect me), supportiveness. just be agreeable to what she says and does. (Dr. Macdonald)

basically just be a friend to her until she is ready to trust me again.

 

 

tell me if i am way off.

[PWSX3]

she actually was upset at me yesterday because when i told her that i was away for the weekend that i didn't ask for help with the dogs i had another friend check in a couple of times a day.

 

tell me if i am wrong:

 

when someone moves out of the the house one of two things happen.

 

1. they actually are really happy with their decision to be on there own. that have this new found freedom and they are tickled to death with there decision.

 

2. from the door they are second guessing there decison and question whether they made the right one. if your the person that moved out i am not sure that you should be still confused and upset about your move. Part of this trauma maybe that they can't go back on this because they lose creditbility when it came to this. (when we would go out i would not talk R talk at all i let her bring up things. One night she had a funny question that i kind of feel is odd. She asked if i thought it was a waste of money for her to move out? For the life of me i can't figure this out. If your running from a situation wouldn't this be the furthest thing from your mind?)

Monday me & the W went to counsoling and earlier in the week I had emailed her about going. In the email she said something about not going to my boys parent teacher confrence and I had already told her that I had already made plans on getting some repairs done on the house and I couldn't go.

In counsoling she asked me what the repairs were and why I hadn't told her what I had done?

I told her I didn't think it was necessary that I told her and she replied with; it is still my house and I should know when things are done to it. I replied by telling her when we made out are Separation agreement and signed it that it said I would be responsible for the up keep and repairs to the house.

The counselor even asked the W why she thought she needed to know and why she cared what I did to the house and she couldn't answer her.

 

I feel they aren't sure what they want and maybe they don't see the hole picture but just focus on getting out of a situation they are not happy in.

[bit11]

i agree they are unhappy. my counselor thinks my wife has several reasons to be unhappy but is heaping all the blame on me because that is the easy thing to do. her fathers death has some to do with it, her overwhelming schedule(1 full time job, 1 parttime job, 1 volunteer job, and graduate classes online, plus house up keep) i didn't do enough to help out around the house, and i should have just paid off her credit card debt so she could have stopped the parttime gig. i wanted her to love me for me not because i have the means to pay off her debts, but we are married and i should have done more. we didn't even get a joint bank account yet.

 

the good news is my wife really doesn't seem to be any happier now. my buddy says she was a reck the other day.

[bit11]

alright that was rough. yesterday my wife made it clear to me that she would like me to go to a competition she had. when i say clear it is because i asked when the comp. was a she said we go on at 12:06. So i decided it would throw her for a loop it i went. and it may have.

 

I showed up nervous as hell(this is the first time we saw each other since she moved out). right before her squad went on 10 minuets earlier then she said i noticed that she kept looking at the entrance to see if someone was there. i thought it must have been her mother that she was looking for but her mom was away for the day so i suppose it was her hoping i made it on time. anyhow her squad goes on i watch and afterward i find her to say hi and good bye.

 

She was shaking and very nervous, now she blamed in on being excited for her squad but i was there a couple of weeks prior and she showed no such emotion. she was very appreciative of me being there and said she would call me to let me know how they did.

 

now i handled things exactly like i rehearsed accept for being a little nervous and not real talkative, but i left on my terms nothing was said relationship wise. the only thing that has me pissed off is her not wearing her ring. this is just something that gets me. should i look into it. she loved that ring, for crying out loud it was almost 3 carats.

 

anyhow just needed to vent i am still messed up in the head right now but i am glad i did it the way you should. i think we need to see eachother once in a while to so i can work on the 180's and stuff.

[Gunny376]

You're doing fine. Just stay the course.

 

Forget about the rings, the images of being married ~ just concentrate on being her friend and being friends.

 

From what you've posted after my last post ~ you and her have the most common aliement couples your age and of your generation have?!

 

Trying to have and do too much too quick and too soon! Both of you are over-acheivers, trying to live a lifetime in ten years. Both of you need to just slow the **** down! Life isn't a competition, nor a race!

 

Toward that end, I noramlly wouldln't recommend this ~ but I might help her out with the credit card debt, so she could give up the part time job. This actually works toward your adavantage.

 

If she's stressed out about debts, bills, making ends meet ~ she's not got you on her mind. She's stressed the **** out, because she's burning both candles at both ends.

 

Both of you need to get back to the fundamentals, and the basics. Get things back to the KISS principle. "Keep It Simple Stupid!"

 

What good is it to live in a mansion alone and miserable? What good is it to have six cars? The rich and famous aren't happy, they're strung out on drugs and alcohol. The guy I work for is one of the richest men in the entire state ~ and he's also absolutely one of the most miserable men I've ever meet! He hates life, trust's no one, and has damn few if any friends ~ even though he's worth hundreds of millions?

 

Its time the two of you caught the bus to Mexico and just chilled! All this successful living is doing your marriage in!

[PWSX3]

What good is it to have six cars?

How many reasons would you like????:laugh::lmao::lmao:

 

Good post Gunny, all of us need to slow down and start enjoying life again. If I remember money is #1 or at least in the top 3 for troubles in relationships.

 

My dad has always told me (even though I don't follow it myself) it's not how much money you make but how much you spend!!!!

[bit11]

gunny i love your advice because i wish it was that easy. nothing like that will happen until she lets the guard down. although she seemed really happy i was there she is giving me nothing to work with. she is tough. i agree with the money issue, but i can't spend anymore money on her unless things go back to normal. the money that i was going to payoff the credit cards with is currently being used to pay for her apartment. what a world, my wife leaves after a 6 month marriage in which she had an unbelivable wedding, awesome honey moon on my dime and the great thing is i have to pay for her apartment. i am leaving you and buy the way you have to pay me to do it. what a kick in the balls.

[Gunny376]

I'm not trying to be disrespectful of your situation. I use to be the same way, trying to climb up the food chain, do all, be all, have all, etc.

 

gunny i love your advice because i wish it was that easy. nothing like that will happen until she lets the guard down.

 

And, I understand that your life and marriage has become "complicated" and complexed. And, there's no quick fix to that. Its taken years for it to get to where its at, and its going to take years for to "simplify" it, and to get it back to being managable.

 

And, a lot of the problems with the wife ~ isn't about you, its about working a full time job, and then another job, and trying to complete her master's degree, and being a part of, and doing this or that. She's got a full plate ~ and its only a question of time before it all becomes un-managageable. Might take awhile, but the "break" is coming. Not a question of "if" but when. The kind of life that she's living only happens in Hollywerid.

 

You, are the easy target. It easier to blame you, for why things aren't working as there supoose to (aka just like in the movies) than it is to blame the only other culprit ~ herself.

 

When it all becomes too much and crashing down ~ that will be your ticket. Meanwhile work on being patient, acheiveing balance, working on yourself.

 

"Identify your weaknesses and seek to overcome them!" one of the basic leadership traits and a perpetual lifelong task.

[bit11]

now i remember why i don't really care to drink that much when i am upset. i had a couple ran into one of her best friends fiance's talked got upset about it. she called me i returned her call and didn't care for the arms length treatment she has been giving me so i said good bye and i will talk to you later. then i thought about it called her back and told her that i don't know if i am up for this battle and said i am thinking about filing for divorce. part of me would just rather get it over with then not knowing what is in her head. i don't f***ing deserve 6 months after giving her a magical day. i don't want her coming to the house using her bull sh*t excsuse about the dogs i don't want her calling asking about the dogs i want her to realize that her feelings are there or beat it. don't waste my time which i have already wasted enough if this is not going to work out. if she wants to be seperated then be seperated and pay for the thing yourself. these games stink all i want is a family and if that aint happening then i would like to move on.

 

this is why i don't drink when things aren't going well. i drink to celebrate not to mourn. i guess i did a backslide.

[Gunny376]

now i remember why i don't really care to drink that much when i am upset. i had a couple ran into one of her best friends fiance's talked got upset about it. she called me i returned her call and didn't care for the arms length treatment she has been giving me so i said good bye and i will talk to you later. then i thought about it called her back and told her that i don't know if i am up for this battle and said i am thinking about filing for divorce. part of me would just rather get it over with then not knowing what is in her head. i don't f***ing deserve 6 months after giving her a magical day. i don't want her coming to the house using her bull sh*t excsuse about the dogs i don't want her calling asking about the dogs i want her to realize that her feelings are there or beat it. don't waste my time which i have already wasted enough if this is not going to work out. if she wants to be seperated then be seperated and pay for the thing yourself. these games stink all i want is a family and if that aint happening then i would like to move on.

 

this is why i don't drink when things aren't going well. i drink to celebrate not to mourn. i guess i did a backslide.

 

In your case? If you drop the "bomb" on her (divorce papers) I believe you'll see an instaneous turn around and change of heart. This is what "Wolfe" did, and she couldn't get with the prorgram fast enough. If not, you have the capability and resoures to go and find yourself someone who will appreciate what you've got to offer and are bringing to the table.

 

Me? Anymore, I'd put any woman to the curb quick, fast and in a hurry like. Because I know I can find another one, that's willing, capable and appreciative of what I've got to offer and what I'm bringing to the table. I know for a fact, that what any one woman has to offer me, I can find just as much of if not more, just as good as if not better. There's no shortage of good women ~ there is a shortage of good men that have their act together.

[bit11]

thanks gunny, i thought i was letting you guys down showing so little patience. we will see we are supposed to talk today.

 

although i know it is not true, i think i am going to tell her that she looks like she is doing so well on her own and i just don't see the break doing us much good. i feel like i was much stronger and better off not seeing her and will be able to get over her faster. i really can't see how things wouldn't work out but stranger things have happened and why should i have to sit in limbo while she sorts her head out.

 

i think the fact that our problems compared to most couples on here were a much shorter time period that the wounds would heal quicker. But her not wearing her ring is pissing me off, that is the thing that really makes me want to tell her to stick it.

[bit11]

gunny you seem to be the resident expert on this topic so i take away alot from your output. i get the sense that you seem to think that my situation maybe not as serious as some of the others. is my fairly common? i was reading through the "dont sweat the small stuff in love book" and there is a special chapter that i think pertains to my wife.

 

Don't confuse your own frustration with a problem in the relationship. i think that this says alot in my circumstance.

 

my wife has not been very open about her seperation(accept for the ring issue). she is not running to the phone to call friends about it. does this mean anything? her mother is the only one she has really talked to about it.

 

is is to early to do the divorce talk? i don't want it to seem like a threatt to her but i have thought about it. i really think that if she went to counselling with me it would solve alot of our problems.

 

ladyjane you seem to be another person that really makes sense. can i get some advice out of you?

[jmargel]

bit11, stop psycho-analyzing every little thing that has happened since she wanted out.

 

Honestly you are making this WAY too easy for her. Paying for her apartment? I mean, come on. She's acting like the teenager, while you are her father.

 

The only way to resolve this is to ask her if she wants to work on this marriage, by going to marriage counseling. If no, then start divorce preceedings. The longer you wait on this, the more disrespect she has for you. On top of that you'll lose the confidence that you have and will make you look weaker in her eyes. Thus, a less of a chance that anything positive will come out of this.

 

Stand up and show her that she needs to stop acting like a child and to take responsibility for her side of things.

[bit11]

thanks jmargel,

 

the only reason i am paying(or paid havn't decided about next month) for the apartment is because my wife told me she doesn't want anything but a little help getting started. my lawyer told me that i should do it bcause i don't want to cut off the nose to spite the face. i have considerable assets and have been supporting her for 2 years so she could probably bust my balls a little. believe i don't find it easy to pay for this.

 

i am scheduled to talk with her today (if she has the guts to talk about it), and divorce may come up. but part of me feels it is way to early to get to this especially since she is showing real signs of missing what she had.

 

i do pyscho analyze alot but in michelle davis weiners book she said you should look for little signs that is how you know if your using the right strategy.

[Ladyjane14]

ladyjane you seem to be another person that really makes sense. can i get some advice out of you?

 

I'm sorry, Bit. Didn't mean to ignore you. Sometimes I lose the momentum of a thread and have a hard time catching up.

 

I'll read it again and post you when I'm done.

 

[Ladyjane14]

Okay... I remember now why I didn't post your thread.

To be honest, it's because I didn't have anything in the way of hopeful words for you, and you seemed very much to be looking for hope.

 

I think there's either one of two things going on here. Either there's a 'snake in your woodpile', or the girl just doesn't have the romantic love for you that she should've had here in the honeymoon phase.

 

I think it's possible that she fell in love with the stability that you were providing to her rather than with you, the man. I also think it's possible that she's having more trouble letting THAT go, than she's having trouble letting YOU go.

 

She keeps touching base, but alot of the times it seems she's "touching base" with the house and the dog. It could be that the reason she's sending you the mixed signals is that she's not sure she's ready to put away the safety net that you represent.

 

I'm a true believer in the MB program, but I'm not a SAVE-AT-ALL-COSTS person. You don't have alot of investment here. There aren't a bunch of kids and mortgages and minivans to think about. The biggest investment you have here is and emotional one.

 

With that in mind... I hope you'll weigh your choices carefully. Sure, you're in love... but should you ever see a repeat performance of this kind of scenario, it's soooo much worse when you're fully invested in a family.

 

Anyway, if you're bent on saving it, the MB program in addition to incorporating the appropriate 180's is your best bet. I see you in Plan A and allowing for your wife to bring all the BIG relationship talk right now, rather than in Plan B with no contact at all. Your goal would be to present the most attractive alternative to wreck and ruin that you can.

 

But I have to caution you. Even if she returned to you tomorrow.... she hasn't EARNED her way back. In every way that counts, she ABANDONED you. And there's an emotional trust issue in place now. She mind-f*cked you and has walked away from it without penalty.

 

I don't think you could ever trust her not to do it again unless you set some boundaries on what it takes for her to come back. IOW, you'll need reassurances in advance of allowing her to come home. Otherwise, you'll be walking on eggshells in perpetuity just waiting for her to blow again.

 

Eventually, it'll be YOU that crashes and burns next time if she doesn't EARN you back now.

[Gunny376]

i get the sense that you seem to think that my situation maybe not as serious as some of the others. is my fairly common?

 

It serious! SNAKE BITE serious! And, its more common than you think.

 

I behind what Lady Jane and jmargel said, with ths added.

 

"Either we're married or not! If we're married, then we're going to have to work at it, and do that which is necessary to learn how to be married to one another. That means marriage couseling and find out in depth about Marriage Builders. If we're not ~ then we both need to move on with our lives! This twilight zone thing doesn't get it."

 

And, then make her actually do the work to earn her way back. And, to earn your trust. One of two things will happen. Either she will or she won't. If she does, over time she can earn her way back into the marriage by doing the "real" work necessary. If she doesn't? Then you'll be free to go and find someone who's capable and willing to earn it the old fashion way ~ WORK FOR IT!

 

And you of all people know ~ that's the only way to really obtain and have anything. Anything worth having doesn't come easy ~ nor is JUST given to someone!

[bit11]

your right ladyjane that is not the most optimistic comments i have had. it is just that she didn't run out of the house from me she was unsure then if that is what she wanted and she seems to be even more unsure now. For christ sake she would even let me sleep on the couch she wanted me in bed. I have fallen out of love and if that person was asllep on the couch by golly let them sleep a whole night without faking it. she had interactions with myself and a friend and both times she was literally shaking. that doesn't happen if there are no feelings or emotions involved. Or does it. my counselor seems to think that her fathers death is playing a big role in this. but who knows but thanks for the time LadyJane and i hope i will eventually have to good news for you.

 

nothing would surprise me here absolutely nothing.

[bit11]

hey gunny,

 

you seemed to toughen your stance. i agree that were either married or were not that is for sure. but now i am alittle confused because the back off stance was working but then plan a seems to be more for my situation because i think i do need to prove to her that i have learned alot and she will not be returning to the same husband.