seperation after only 6 months:

[jmargel]

thanks jmargel,

 

the only reason i am paying(or paid havn't decided about next month) for the apartment is because my wife told me she doesn't want anything but a little help getting started. my lawyer told me that i should do it bcause i don't want to cut off the nose to spite the face.

 

Depends if you want to go the route of divorce or not.

 

First off, if she wants your money she's going to go after it. You paying her rent is not going to make her think 'Oh, he was sweet to me by paying my rent so I wont go for anything'. Wrong!

 

Second by you paying for the rent you are telling her it's ok for her to be doing this, and not just tolerating it but ENDORSING it by continuing to be her sugar daddy.

 

Why would she stop this when she has the best of both lives? She's living the single life and yet has the comfort of a husband standing near-by when when she comes crying for money, etc..

 

What scares me here is her lack of maturity. Right now, even if she does come back it will only be for a short while. It's only because she won't goto counseling and own up to her part of the problems. It's too easy to blame everything on you (isn't that what a child does to her brother or sister?). She's gotten so spoiled that she does not appreciate anything and just 'expects' it from you.

 

Tough love is in order here. It's time she faces her consequences and you are the only one that can do this. Trust me, if anything were to get this marriage back on track, THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT WILL.

 

Sorry for the caps, but I can't express that enough.

[bit11]

just met my wife to go for a run on the beach with my dog. it was nice to see her. i was so short with her yesterday so it gave us a chance to talk a little bit. she is putting up a good front no doubt about it, there were moments that she seemed to lose it but quickly got a hold of herself so she wouldn't show it.

 

i think i need these visits once in a while because she is bitter and positive visits can only help my case. she also kissed me a couple of times and they wern't all just pecks.

 

by the way she has been wearing her ring. i made a big deal about it earlier but the reason she didn't have it on the other day is because she is a volunteer cheerleading coach and doesn't wear it when she works with the girls.(i went to her competition the other day). i didn't bring it up she did, i guess she noticed that i have not been wearing mine.

 

she also invited me again to her sisters for christmas, and we have decided to go in together to buy the christmas gifts.

[Ladyjane14]

your right ladyjane that is not the most optimistic comments i have had. it is just that she didn't run out of the house from me she was unsure then if that is what she wanted and she seems to be even more unsure now. For christ sake she would even let me sleep on the couch she wanted me in bed. I have fallen out of love and if that person was asllep on the couch by golly let them sleep a whole night without faking it. she had interactions with myself and a friend and both times she was literally shaking. that doesn't happen if there are no feelings or emotions involved. Or does it. my counselor seems to think that her fathers death is playing a big role in this. but who knows but thanks for the time LadyJane and i hope i will eventually have to good news for you.

 

nothing would surprise me here absolutely nothing.

 

 

Sorry I couldn't find something more hopeful for you there, Bit. You're 'the man on the ground', so you'll be the best judge of the personalities involved.

 

You wondered how she might let you sleep in your own bed and have otherwise pleasant interactions with you... so I'd share my thoughts on that because I think there's a chance you might be reading too much into it.

 

You sound like a nice enough guy. What that means is that despite how bad you might feel about your shortcomings.... you're not a monster. So, why would she treat you like "a monster"? It's your bed, right? Why would she put you out of it? You're not behaving cruelly to her. So, why would she be snarky to you?

 

Not loving somebody in a romantic way doesn't mean that you treat them poorly. In fact, if you're feeling bad that you don't love them in that particular special way, and you KNOW that they love you unrequitedly... you might find yourself being extra solitious of their feelings out of kindness.

 

Now... I hope I'm wrong about that, I really do. There IS at least a marginal possiblity that she could be experiencing some post-nuptial 'cold feet'. But all in all, I just don't see what you did that was soooo very bad it would destroy a marriage that's still in the newlywed stage. You mentioned some arguments and some drinking. Was it that far over-the-top?

 

While it's true that newlyweds can sometimes have a difficult adjustment period during the first year, this is usually due to the unreasonable expectations of youth. You and your wife, on the other hand, both seem to be of a fairly mature age. One would think that your expectations of married life would certainly be reasonable ones.

 

You know, sometimes a woman can get so caught up in planning the wedding that she fails to plan the marriage.

And if she gets 'cold feet', she might be too far along in her wedding plans to feel comfortable in postponing it long enough to get a grip on her feelings. You said you'd given her a "magical day", right? I'm assuming that you had a pretty big wedding.

 

This leads us to the only glimmer of hope I can come up with. Provided that there is no other love interest outside the marriage... a case of "cold feet" would seem to have a 50/50 shot at resolving itself either way.

 

But having said that, you need to be aware that sometimes when a woman says... "I don't love you", that's REALLY what she means.

You don't want to coax her back, just to have her repeat that particular dreaded declaration to you 10 years down the pike. You will be ALOT more invested by then.

[bit11]

well that didn't go very well. my wife just came over to drop something off. I told her that if this looks how it is going to be then if we can agree on things then we can get a lawyer to end this thing quick. i really just tried to get her to be honest and up front with her feelings. she said she shut me out a long time ago and does not see her feelings changing. Seems to be a pretty sure declaration to stop worrying about winning her back and try to put this behind me as soon as possible.

[bit11]

what exactly does this mean. is there a remedy. maybe when she gets the papers in front of her face that will work. 6 f ing month. my old man is in the sky and i can't believe he would let this happen. in fact the only reason i met my wife is she worked in an upscale restaurant and my mother and i would go after my dad died just to cope. so i also thought that my father hand picked my wife for me.

 

all her confusing bs before she moved out she said was because she felt sorry for doing this to me.

[bit11]

the more i think about this situation the more nuts my wife seems. i have always given her credit for being fairly stable but she is showing me otherwise. she actually sat my friend down and wanted to give him and explanation to what happened. she told him the same things she has told me. she is so adamant about it that she seems like she is trying to convince herself. she has told me that her feelings were like this before the wedding. bad move because the money i spent on her a** for the wedding has now gotten me bitter. so that means no rent money for jan. no i am not coming over for christmas, and yes you will be hearing from my lawyer shortly. It is time for hardball. Tough love will you. although she is that adamant i still don't believe her i believe she wants to believe it. my buddy said the same thing that he does not believe a word she says. michele weiner davis says in her book don't believe 100 % what you hear, i guess when emotions are involved a woman will say and try and believe anything.

[Rooster_DAR]

i guess when emotions are involved a woman will say and try and believe anything

 

Now your learning. I think this woman is very inmature (typical) and spoiled. I know you want love her but she is really messed up. I vote for kicking her to the curb and moving on, this thing is just going to keep setting you back.

 

BTW..she is nuts!!!!!

 

Cya

[ilmw]

the more i think about this situation the more nuts my wife seems. i have always given her credit for being fairly stable but she is showing me otherwise. she actually sat my friend down and wanted to give him and explanation to what happened. she told him the same things she has told me. she is so adamant about it that she seems like she is trying to convince herself. she has told me that her feelings were like this before the wedding. bad move because the money i spent on her a** for the wedding has now gotten me bitter. so that means no rent money for jan. no i am not coming over for christmas, and yes you will be hearing from my lawyer shortly. It is time for hardball. Tough love will you. although she is that adamant i still don't believe her i believe she wants to believe it. my buddy said the same thing that he does not believe a word she says. michele weiner davis says in her book don't believe 100 % what you hear, i guess when emotions are involved a woman will say and try and believe anything.

 

Sometimes people (woman in this case) base what they are doing on feelings... instead of logic..

 

My own wife based her leaving me on feelings... (gut feeling) she did not want to be in a relationship with me anymore.. cause the feelings she (had) for me were gone... (all based on how I had been for almost 1 1/2)

 

She too seemed to convince herself this is what she wanted... and I could see the internal struggle she was going through... on a daily basis. (the strain on her face.. and her not sleeping well for months...

 

Also.. sometimes people tend to listen to other people who have gone through or are going through what they are experiencing... my own DW... started to hang with 2 woman.. (well they were actually friends before this all happened) One was divorced (bitter one at that) ... the other... was just cheated on by her H... (great environment) I sometime wonder... if that was not a little fuel to the fire) Strength in numbers and all the jazz!

 

Point to all of this is.... Yes... people can convince themselves of many things... ie: I'm better than you... I'm smarter than you... I'm not in love with you... (it is mind set.. and it takes time for things to change.)

 

I don't know how much of this actually applies to you.. as you 2 were only married a short while... but (mind set is mind set)

 

One more thing... bitterness will get you no where... If you are going to hand her .. her ares on a platter... do it with no emotion... like a busniss transaction... you will walk away... I would think less drained.

 

Btw.. I guess by now you know you can not change someones mind.... but you can help change their perception of you... (examples are many on here... and in the Db book;) )

 

Sorry if this is not coheriant... my 5yr old is bugging me to play fight.... and.. keeps putting me in a head lock....

 

Take care... gotta go crush my son... :lmao:

[bit11]

w came over again the other day.(despite the fact that last week i told her not to come by anymore) says she stopped to see the dogs. she stayed for about 45 minutes. played it cool in the beginning but kind of blew it at the end with R talk. the fact that i nc'd for 7 days i think is what brought her over. that and again she asked are you coming over for christmas. it seems awlful important to her for me to go. well it is important to have my w back and she doesn't seem to give a hoot. no xmas for me. i found it odd that she new she was coming but didn't bring over my xmas gift i guess so she can see me again soon. the fact that her dad just died i think the holidays will be tough on her.

 

i was talking to friends yesterday and they thought it was very obvious that my w still loves me and i guess if i think about everything she has done it is. once the holidays are over i think i am going to go into deep darkness and see what happens.

[bit11]

w called xmas morning early and left message about wanting to bring my gift by. i didn't call her back nor did i go to her siters which she invited me to a half dozen times. then yesterday morning she called to ask why i didn't call her back and to tell me that i should have stopped at her sisters. She then said that she made an effort. that i don't get. she also was going to stop yesterday with my gift but since i wasn't home most of the day i guess she just drove by.

 

she seems to be in awlful lot of communication for someone that wants me to move on.

 

i have fallen out of love before and when i do i could give a sh.. whether i ever see that person again.

 

i guess i will continue to play things chill and hope that i can get her to continue chasing.

[bit11]

told the wife that she is cut off today no more rent money. i told her that there were multiple reasons behind it.

 

she is a piece of work i tell you.

 

calls yesterday in a panic about important stuff to talk about called her back not important.

 

then had 1 and half hour conversation with her today then she comes by the house to drops off one of several xmas gifts she has for me i gave her very little conversation she left and came back ten minutes later to get something she new wasn't here tried for more conversation i didn't budge and she left telling me to be careful on new years eve.