Krytellan Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 I would have to disagree with the checking in with her bit. She has a lot of family around right? Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 I can see why it is so frustrating. There just doesn't seem to be a motive for her caring like she portrays. Do you feel that she thinks she has somethign to gain by "dangling a carrot" in front of you? I dont get that sense. In my life, I have known 2 women who I could see acting in this way. They were very proud and virtuous to themselves and past experiences had made them very cautious about things. Almost to the point where they lost the ability to see the forest for all the trees. Everything needed defining. If there was any doubts or conflicts internally (something all people deal with on a daily basis) they would perceive it as some indicator of concern and spend much energy trying to uncover the "meaning" of it. I just get the feeling she is someone who is getting "lost" in her thoughts and feelings and is having difficulty functioning beyond those concerns. There may be something awry, but I would be surprised. If I were you, I would be inclined to be content in knowing that she is sincere in her actions and does seem to truly care for you. Maybe this is nothing more than a much needed clearing of her mind. Some people need to remove themselves from a situation before they can see what it is... especially those that are overly thoughtful about things. Good luck. You may want to consider that this is gonna be OK. Thankyou for that post..... :bunny: You just help clarify in my muddled brain... what may be going on with my DW... I have had much insight into this... but you just roughed of the edges... and you described my DW very closely... Nice to hear your thoughts ... get sifted through... and a little nugget of gold is found... Thx again ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Author bit11 Posted December 6, 2006 Author Share Posted December 6, 2006 the apartment she rented (i had to pay for) is one block from her mom so she has plenty of support. she just doesn't show any signs of depression she is always laughing and smiling, although her reason for leaving me was because she said she was unhappy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bit11 Posted December 6, 2006 Author Share Posted December 6, 2006 krytellan i hope you are right. she is very proud and stubborn and independent and did complain about being confused a few months ago. god i hope so. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 BTW what she said prior to her leaving, don't over-analyze that. The night before my ex-fiancee left she was kissing me and telling me how much she loved me. The next morning she tells me she's leaving & has feelings for my (now) ex-friend. I don't understand how they could do that either, if I am going to leave someone the last thing I would do is make future plans with them or tell them how much I love them.. That, I don't have an answer for Mine used this ploy on me as well. She kissed me in the morning, and flew of to Colorado to join her affair partner. I didn't catch it till later, but she did things like this alot during the periods leading up to the breakup. If I were to analyze it, I would think they feel sorry for us and feel guilty about what they are doing. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 the apartment she rented (i had to pay for) is one block from her mom so she has plenty of support. she just doesn't show any signs of depression she is always laughing and smiling, although her reason for leaving me was because she said she was unhappy. So what is her plan here? Did she say she wants a divorce? Did she say she wants to file for separation? How long is this apartment rented for - a year lease? If it's a year lease, that doesn't sound like she's just temporarily needing to get away to clear her thoughts. And why are you paying for her apartment? She chose to leave and she has a job - why isn't she paying for it? Why are you expected to pay for her lifestyle if she doesn't want to be with you? Are you paying for her credit cards, too? Maybe you should talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are in this situation. I know you don't want to think it's over, but getting an apartment (vs. staying with her mom for a while or something) is a lot more serious. You may want to protect your assets and file a separation agreement so you are not responsible for any additional debts or bills that she accumulates. Maybe a dose of reality - what separation and divorce means - is what she needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bit11 Posted December 6, 2006 Author Share Posted December 6, 2006 she told my brother in law that she would rather not have a year lease. she has said that if things work out then she would brake the lease. my lawyer said i have to pay for it because i have been supporting her. my wife has said that she doesn't want anything else just needed help moving into a place i can live with that. i own several businesses and multiple properties that were all premarital possesions but if she wanted to bust my chops she probably could. her moms condo is very tiny, one of the things she said is she has never been by herself. i think this is what she needs to really reflect and sort out her head. she has not filed for a formal seperation nor did we talk about it. what is the differences between formal and not formal. she got upset when i mentioned divorce talk last week kidding her that at least pam and kid rocks marriage were shorter then our, she said were not getting divorced. then she asked why do you think this will lead to a divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bit11 Posted December 7, 2006 Author Share Posted December 7, 2006 well she called this afternoon. i was not available but she left a message asking how i was doing and how were the dogs. she was also telling me that she was coming by the house tommorrow to grab something. that was about it. she probably called on purpose knowing i wasn't going to answer but if i called it would probably be the same way. i just don't know if i should call her back or leave her alone longer. anybody have any suggestions. i was going to wait to at least tommorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 When all lis said and done ~ just three things motivate people 1. Pain 2. Pleasure 3. The potential application of either of the above two. First off, you've got to get out of this "whimpy" mode ~ at least in so far as she knows and is concerned. You're in the whimpy mode because you worried about her coming back. Because you're got it in your deluxe brain housing group that what she has to offer is a scarity. And, that she's the only one on the planet that has to offer what she's got. This "the one" mentality that trips people up so much. Trust me! Whatever she's got you can find just as good as if not better, just a much of if not more. What one would abuse another could certainly use. The "wuss" behavior leads to neediness, clingliness, in an exaggerated state. And aggravated state if you would. Panic leads to anxiety, anxiety leads to fear, fear leads to heigtened panic, which leads to heightened anxiety, which leads to heightended fear, then your caught up in the vortex of illrationality. Your mind starts playing on itself. Your caught up in the whirlwhind of illratiional thinking. Any little thing she says or does, or doesn't say or do. means something. She comes over and pets that dog ~and you spend hours thinking about what that means! She comes over the next time and doesn't pet the dog ~ and you spend hours trying to understand the significance and meaning of that? They don't call this "Crazy Time" for nothing there Bud! The thing that you need to do right here and now is to just step away from the edge of the ablyiss that you're standing on. Don't pursue, don't make any demands, don't issue any ultimatims etc. YOU, yourself have got to give yourself enough time to get your head and azz wired back together. You've just gotten beamed between the headlights with a world class major league fastball. You've got to step away from the plate, shake it off, and get you head and and inner game back together. Pull back and re-group. Keep posting. But, work on getting your head together ~ and your inner game. You want to work on re-gaining your self confidence, your self esteem, your self pride, your self image. regaining your balance, your "center" re-connecting with your "core values" that guide you in your life! While your in there, see what you can do about finding that self-assurred, confident, cocky but funny ~ fun guy that she feel in love with to begin with! The guy that started and managed those businesses that started them out on shoestring and a prayer, and a whole lot of blood, sweat, and tears! Link to post Share on other sites
Krytellan Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 In some respects I agree with Gunny. It's time to toughen up a bit here. The concerned husband routine (not to degrade you, just identifying a state of being) did not stop her from leaving. It's time to get your pride back and if nothing else, start showing the personality that attracted her to you in the first place. Be willing to smile, laugh, and make jokes. Try to break out of the sensitive caring mode... it would definitely be for the better. No one wants to be around someone who is sad and mopey all day, and that goes for her too. As far as calling her and such, here is what I would do. I know that as a person I am overly caring and can sometimes be a little clingy (some would call it pathetic . Try to be there when she stops by, that is probably why she left the message... to get you there. DO NOT CALL HER. The ball is in her court, make her play it. My guess is that you want her to know that you want her back, and you may not be sure that is perfectly clear with her. When you see her, just tell her directly that you hope she is doing well and that if there is anything you can do to help, to call you. This statement is ALL you need to say to her. At that point, you have done absolutely everything you can do. Then, unfortuantely, the rest involves getting on with your life the best that you can and trying to find things that make you happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bit11 Posted December 7, 2006 Author Share Posted December 7, 2006 thanks for the post guys. my wimpiness is just for you guys to see. i haven't been wimpy for her because i have not talked to her since sat. when she was still in the house i did have moments of both. there is no question that i know i need to be strong and indifferent to her. i can't be here when she says she is stopping by but i didn't know if i should call her back when i know she is unavailable to leave a message or wait till later in the day and call her when we can actually chat. for some reason i have actually felt worst since her message yesterday. i think it maybe because she sounded a little indifferent. when i give her the samething maybe it will leave her with a pit in her stomach as well. i know to get this to where i want it i need to communicate with her on a friend level for a while. she had some complaints about me(mainly my mouth can get me in trouble) so i do need to be able to show her a more considerate side eventually. thanks again this is a big help i don't know why i feel like crap right now, the mornings have been the toughest. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 For your consideration? They're back together, BTW! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 thanks for the post guys. my wimpiness is just for you guys to see. Gunny's Rules of Engagement (Among Others) 1. When you think your fooling someone else, you're only fooling yourself. 2. When your despearate ~ they can smell it on you like a dog can smell your fear! No matter what kind of face your present! 3. Always be willing to walk a way! 4. You're greatest enemy ~ is yourself! Learn, know and conquer yourself, and no other enemy can stand before you! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 For your consideration? They're back together, BTW! Sorry, woke up during the middle of my sleep cycle: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t95838/?highlight=wolfe Link to post Share on other sites
Author bit11 Posted December 7, 2006 Author Share Posted December 7, 2006 hey gunny to does apply to me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bit11 Posted December 8, 2006 Author Share Posted December 8, 2006 today my wife came over to pick up somethings at the house today. instead of calling her back i left her a note that my counselor thought was good. it must have had an effect because she left me a very salty note as well. i think the fact that i have not called not even to return her call has got her wondering what is going on. so we will see, i don't plan on contacting her anytime soon. eventually i know i am going to have to resume our friendship if i have any chance of getting her back but for now lets see if i can get her to chase a little bit. boy this is fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bit11 Posted December 8, 2006 Author Share Posted December 8, 2006 At my home i have a friend that lives in my in-law suite and he ran into my w when she was picking up somethings. he said at first she was a little standoffish and he intiated conversation and she asked him if he hated her. he said of course not, and he said she got very emotional. what this means i don't know. He asked her how she was doing and she said, "i'm doing". she said this sucks but..........(she didn't finish)for gods sakes w/ it has only been 5 days if it sucks now. there is no question that she misses things about home(dog, house itselft) but whether she can get that upset over those type of things is beyond me. she also left a very short note and asked me to call if i need help with the dogs. she was at the house for 1 1/2 hours doing what is beyond me. why doesn't she just come to her senses and get her ass home. i just read a sectional in the don't sweat the small stuff in love and it has a sectional about misinterpreting things in your life that have you upset with problems in your relationship, this is exactly what i think she is doing. anyone have any advice on my next move, i havn't really done anything yet. gunner this seems to be your expertise!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 it has only been 5 days See what I quoted.... you wrote that... Like you said only 5 days.. This took more than 5 days to happen... so it will take more than 5 days to sort out... You my friend had better learn some patience... cause if you don't you will probably hound your missus straight to divorce court... Back off.. try to relax.... and read more.... Realy read some of the posts on here... they will give you examples... of what and what not to do... I learned a lot on here... There is no quick fix here... and that is what you seem to want... Not gonna happen... its going to take work on your end... so be prepared for the worst... and hope for the best... because there are no guarantees... Grow and learn... learn and grow.... and have patience.... Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 Keep doing what you are doing. If she plans on coming over again, leave her a note saying 'If you ever want to talk, I'll be here'. That small sentence says alot. It shows that when she is ready you will be ready to talk, that you aren't going to be pursuing and by you not calling her, etc.. shows her that you can move on and giving her the gift of her 'alone' time. The big thing here no matter what, is to make her think.. If you pressure/call/pester her you don't give her that opporunity to think.. This is why what you are doing is having this kind of effect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bit11 Posted December 8, 2006 Author Share Posted December 8, 2006 thanks for the input guys although ilmw i can't see where you think i am not showing patience. i have not done a thing. no calls a simple note in my home after she called. no nothing, life for me has gone on. she because i say what i want here i have shown nothing to her. so you must be reading another post because i could not show less. the 5 days was directed at her because she should be in a stage where life is good not already a emotional mess. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 thanks for the input guys although ilmw i can't see where you think i am not showing patience. i have not done a thing. no calls a simple note in my home after she called. no nothing, life for me has gone on. she because i say what i want here i have shown nothing to her. so you must be reading another post because i could not show less. the 5 days was directed at her because she should be in a stage where life is good not already a emotional mess. Fair enough... My intent was this... you seem to want a quick fix... and desperate.. to have this taken care of now... I do understand this desire... trust me... I do... But.. if you lose your patience.. Do you see what I mean now...? I am not taking away from what you have and are doing... not at all.. But... it may take a lot longer than you hope for... you can only control your behaviour.. and not hers... right? Thats all... ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 What you're giving her is the gift of "missing" you, your home, the dogs, what she had, what she might lose, etc. By not constantly being in her face, you're giving her the time and space she needs to think: "What's he doing? What's he thinking about? How is he spending all of his time? And, if he's not spending his time with me, and if he's not thinking about me who is he spending his time with and thinking about? Its not a game ~ its getting her to re-focus. Just keep doing what you're doing. Be patient. Above all keep and maintain balance especially with your emotions. Now is the time to go to MarriageBulder's and develop Plan A and Plan B, just like a business plan ~ you should have experience doing that. And, read, read, and read some more. Learn Damnit! Link to post Share on other sites
Author bit11 Posted December 9, 2006 Author Share Posted December 9, 2006 hey gunner or anyone else, is any contact ok or no. part of me feels like maintaining a friendship could be important. going into this thing she made comments to me that made it seems as though she was going to move out yet still hangout and i guess more or less date. i suppose i should not give her this option huh. my only dilemna is that we were making a lot of progress doing this leading up to the split. don't i need to be in her company to prove to her that i have indeed seen the light and the things that upset her(my mouth) are a thing of the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytellan Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 hey gunner or anyone else, is any contact ok or no. part of me feels like maintaining a friendship could be important. going into this thing she made comments to me that made it seems as though she was going to move out yet still hangout and i guess more or less date. i suppose i should not give her this option huh. my only dilemna is that we were making a lot of progress doing this leading up to the split. don't i need to be in her company to prove to her that i have indeed seen the light and the things that upset her(my mouth) are a thing of the past. Not yet. There is just no need yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bit11 Posted December 9, 2006 Author Share Posted December 9, 2006 how do you know when the time is right? how about emails? she has a big event coming up tommorrow and i wanted to wish her good luck, should i email her. don't worry ilmw:laugh: i have not done anything yet, that is why i have you guys. as good as this forum has been for me i would rather of not had to been here. part of me wanted to contact her because i knew she was upset and vulnerable is this something she will get over or will she just get more upset. Link to post Share on other sites
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