EdSlovenly Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 Okay, I'm losing my mind here. I was in my first serious relationship for about two years, I had had sex with two other people prior to this, just to give you some perspective. My girlfriend had many ex boyfriends and she had kind of a slutty past. When she was around 16-17 she would sleep with anyone, participate in orgies, that kind of thing. Now the rational part of my brain says that this was all in the past and I have nothing to be concerned about. I was quite secure in that I knew she would never cheat on me and that she genuinely loved me, but I COULD NOT get over her past. She told me very little about her past (details wise) but the things she did tell me are still stuck in my head. And here's the tricky part that I can't figure out...we've been broken up for 3 months now. I have no desire to go back to her (nothing to do with jealousy issues). I wonder why I still feel the way I do and I have these sudden "attacks" of jealousy and ill-will. It disturbs me that this disturbs me so much. My rational side tells me that there is absolutely nothing wrong with the things she has done, ESPECIALLY since she was not doing them while we were together. But that knife twisting in my gut tells me awful things. I start thinking things like, "What a slut!" or "She's disgusting, how could she do those things?!" It makes absolutely no sense to me at all. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is if this is related to a lack of self confidence somehow. That seems to be the primary source of jealousy, but I was not afraid that she was going to leave me or cheat on me. Could I have been jealous of her? Jealous because she had so much more experience than me? I refuse to start another relationship before this is resolved, so any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
WhiteKnight Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 Wow! Now that is a story I had not expected for awhile... Hmmm... Well mate, if I was you. You are probably better off without a kind of person like that. If your gut feeling tells you should be together with her, then go for it. But to be honest from experience, I had one of my partners in the past did appear to be 'slutty'. It dragged me emotionally and mentally for awhile knowing that she was doing this sort of thing and her and my friends were telling me all about it in huge detail that I was completely mind blown. The best thing I did - Even though it took me awhile to give in... I tried to be friends with her for awhile but despite arguing and trying to defend her... My answer - I had to give up and that was... "Stay way and stop being in contact with her a fair bit." Sounds like to me she is trying to find a suitable person but has trouble setting her mind and priorities straight. You could be more jealous on the fact that she might have more experience than you... I guess you could say that she might not be interested in you. If she was, you two would have reconciled and try to have a second chance to have your relationship revived. But to me, she seems like a person who doesn't care about the other person's feelings and it would be torturing your feelings for her. Not just you, the other people as well. In the end, its going to drag you emotionally and mentally. Not good I'm afraid. When I had a person like that before, I just had to cut all ties even if it hurts hearing the news. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 google: retroactive jealousy Link to post Share on other sites
WhiteKnight Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 I have to say that was rather interesting there blind_otter Nice find Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 This is a huge issue for a lot of men, from what I've read on the boards, here. Lots of threads about this. I'm championing the use of the appropriate terminology. Jealousy is really something current, an uneasiness about something going on right now. Retroactive jealousy is sincerley pathological because it is an uneasiness about things from the past - which we obviously have no control over. The issue, to me, is some underlying self-esteem issues and feelings of inadequacy, but part of me feels like this is too simplistic. There has to be an element that is socialized into men for them to be so prone to this emotional hangup.... Link to post Share on other sites
WhiteKnight Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 Yea I see what you mean, even I have to confess and say that I was one of them, cause I really didn't know how to deal with it at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 I had no idea that the recommend medication therapy for irrational jealousy until I read some of the results from a google of that term. Link to post Share on other sites
WhiteKnight Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 Yea same here, kinda surprised me with the results of it as well. Link to post Share on other sites
electric_sheep Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 Surprisingly, it's not even that uncommon among women. To one degree or another I think everyone experiences this a little. No one particularly relishes hearing intimate details about their lovers past. I think it's only when it's persistant that it is a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EdSlovenly Posted December 5, 2006 Author Share Posted December 5, 2006 That nails it right on the head, blind_otter. Thanks for providing me with a key phrase, I've been racking my brain trying to find one. I went and searched for retroactive jealousy and read a few articles and it seems to confirm that it is due to a lack of self-esteem. In one of the articles he goes into evolutionary tangents (which is how I excused my thoughts when they first started), but he also said, "it's a lot easier to call one's girlfriend a "slut" than it is to acknowledge one's own sexual anxieties." ... BULL'SEYE! I truly believe that this is my problem and not my ex-girlfriend's. If I went into a new relationship right now it wouldn't matter if my new girlfriend had had sex with one man or 100, I would still have this problem. Here's another interesting addition to my problem...she had admited to "experimenting" with a girl back in the day. This didn't bother me at all. Not in the least bit. It didn't turn me on either like the sterotypical male seems to be turned on by their wives/girlfriends making out with or having sex with another woman. It just never bothered me. Is this because I am not threatened by a woman? And if so, why aren't I? Is it just because we have different equipment, because that doesn't make much sense. Link to post Share on other sites
electric_sheep Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 Retroactive jealousy is sincerley pathological because it is an uneasiness about things from the past - which we obviously have no control over. I think retroactive jealousy in a way is uneasiness about the state of the universe. We all want to believe in absolutes. We want to feel special and comfortable and secure. The fact of the matter is the universe is marked by uncertainty, doubt, and chance to a large degree. Retroactive jealousy is existential angst brought about by that shadow of a doubt that haunts us all. Could my current love have felt these same magical feelings before ? Perhaps I am not as special to them as I thought ? Interestingly, men equate sex with love (we believe women will only have sex with someone they love), and hence men are prone to experience RJ over sex. If a man is not truly in love with a woman he will not experience this feeling, because he is not threatened. My girlfriend experiences something similiar, but only in regards to feelings. Somehow she feels threatened by the fact that I was terribly in love with another woman once. This past love, to her, appears as some sort of proof of the uncertainty of life and relationships. After all, I was as certain about that relationship, and that love, as I am this relationship now. People intrinsically can pick up on the uncertainty this implies, and this in turn doesn't inspire confidence. This search for the absolute is so innately a part of human nature that most people spend a large portion of their life fooling themselves and deluding themselves about one thing or another. RJ results when one suddenly realizes the gulf between the ideal and reality. It is an existential struggle of sorts. Of course the truth of the matter is we can know nothing for sure. Security is largely an illusion, and we are not any more special than the next person. We are all but ants on this Earth, and it doesn't particularly make me happy, but what can one do about it ? Absolutely nothing. Forgive me for rambling philosophy... my bi-sexual girlfriend is spending the evening with her lesbian friend, and this lovely Pinot Noir seems to be going straight to my head. I'm truly not worried though, hee hee, at least not terribly worried. Though she did sound guarded and mysterious over the phone. Uncertainty and ambiguity. They can play tricks on ones soul, that's for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
garvis Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 RJ caused by a lack of self esteem...I really, really believe this. I am struggling with RJ big time right now. Before knowing about this board or ever hearing the term retroactive jealousy, I knew deep down that I don't feel good about myself. I thought that is the root cause of my struggles. I just don't know how to fix that on my own. I'm getting some outside help. I will not let this ruin my marriage. I now realize many people suffer from RJ. No one is alone with this feeling. But the only thing we can have any control over is ourselves. And sometimes I believe the proper therapy and meds can help. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Waldin Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 RJ caused by a lack of self esteem...I really, really believe this. I am struggling with RJ big time right now. Before knowing about this board or ever hearing the term retroactive jealousy, I knew deep down that I don't feel good about myself. I thought that is the root cause of my struggles. I just don't know how to fix that on my own. I'm getting some outside help. I will not let this ruin my marriage. I now realize many people suffer from RJ. No one is alone with this feeling. But the only thing we can have any control over is ourselves. And sometimes I believe the proper therapy and meds can help. Good luck. good luck.. i hope your marriage well not be ruin some one there, i hope your love will fight the problem waht you take on now?!... Link to post Share on other sites
chicsurfs Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 Andy is that you? I left a guy for this exact reason. Link to post Share on other sites
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