a set way

[D-Lish]

Well P,

It's also hard to go through the trials and tribulations of having your heart broken... so don't beat yourself up too much over how you are handling things.

 

It makes it doubly hard to to be going through a medical scare- it makes you pine for that familiar support you once had in your partner.

 

I checked the tracking on my book and they said it could take up to 6 weeks to get it because of the border issues. Hell, by then my ex will be married with 3 kids!

 

Get your posts higher so you can activate your PM.

Then I'll shoot you my e-mail.

Dee

[jmargel]

Phoenix,

 

I hate to say it, but it looks like it is quite over. She has made closure with you and the relationship. This 'other man' though might have played a small role, the final outcome would have been the same. It's not just you or her, but the combination of you two at this particular time did not work out.

 

I know it hurts, I was there. I was engaged to a beautiful, smart, funny, vibrant woman. Our communication was way off especially at the end of our 5 year relationship. We were both too young to realize this and me not paying attention to her as much as I should have worsened the condition. When she left, I became extremely depressed and suicidal. It took a good year before I was really able to move on with my life. Seven years after the breakup, I admit I still think about her and wish her nothing but happiness. However her life has been anything since. Though that is something she needs to deal with, herself.

 

I was able to move on and married someone that really makes me happy. You will as well someday. Though that is something you don't want to hear or can't imagine right now, it will happen. Right now don't think about the 'what ifs' or going back and re-thinking if you would have done this or that. That is just torturing yourself and has no real positive benefits.

 

Women are more prone to react to actions, not words. So you can talk & talk to her for months on end, however that is not going to make her want you back. If there is the slightest possiblity that she would, the only way she would do that if you moved on with your life, made the changes you need to make within' yourself and start enjoying life again. This requires you getting individual counseling as well. As they say, actions speak louder than words. This also means to stop all contact with her. I know you still want to be in her life but that is not possible.

 

Take this as an experience, both of you have learned quite a bit from this. Not only the bad, but the good. You'll learn a little bit more about relationships but you'll learn so much about yourself and that's always a good thing. We learn so much more from the things that don't work out in life than we do from the things that do.

 

You will love again. Stay strong. You can get through this.

 

Please also look up the 5 stages of grief. This is something that you might be experiencing.

[Cub]

Do those books really work? From what you guys have posted on it so far, it all seems like logical stuff and there doesn't appear to be any real outlined way to get an ex back. Thw whole unconditional love thing seems like a waste of time when instead you could be getting back on your feet and looking for someone who won't abandon you. In my experence, thats when the ex comes back to you. Why? Because you're happy and they have nothing!

 

Thats when you slam the door on them and have your revenge! MWAHAHA!!

[D-Lish]

 

Thats when you slam the door on them and have your revenge! MWAHAHA!!

 

True to dat!

 

I'm not counting on the book to wotk for me.

I's much rather move forward and forget... Still, I have a small bit of hope...

 

Stupid hope.

[phoenix21]

The good news is that my tumor isn't cancerous. The next few months are critical because if there is too much stress in my life, it can come back and when they come back, it's usually worst. So my medical scare is over.

 

As for the situation that made me come to this site, I know that it's over at this point. I'm still having a hard time accepting it. I know that I have to let her go. I don't know how to get her off my mind.

 

I went my company's xmas party last night and one of my coworker is seeing his ex again and they broke up for almost a year. Now I was told that they were still friends after the breakup. Now I know that every situation is different and sometimes we're lucky and sometimes we're not.

 

Like D-Lish says. We all have hope.

[D-Lish]

Good news about the tumour my friend. Glad to hear you're out of the woods for the time being. Just look after yourself okay?

Eat well, get your sleep, and just be good to yourself for the next little while.

 

I'm at the same stage as you in terms of acceptance. I'm just coming out the other side of it. I know it's over, but I've spent so much time hoping that I have realized that I'm stopping myself from living my life. I really want to start living my life again. The hope still lingers a bit, I think it will be a while before that subsides... but that's my heart speaking- not my head.

 

I'm almost at that point where I'm so pissed at him for the manner in which he broke up with me and how he made me feel, that I'm not sure I'd actually take him back at this point.

One day at a time right?

 

It's going to be alright P... regardless of whether you guys reconcile or not, it's going to be alright.

D

[Canuck2006]

Do those books really work? From what you guys have posted on it so far, it all seems like logical stuff and there doesn't appear to be any real outlined way to get an ex back. Thw whole unconditional love thing seems like a waste of time when instead you could be getting back on your feet and looking for someone who won't abandon you. In my experence, thats when the ex comes back to you. Why? Because you're happy and they have nothing!

 

Thats when you slam the door on them and have your revenge! MWAHAHA!!

 

 

I respect your opinion. Honestly, I think it does work. I have seen it work..depends on the situation. That's what makes the difference...it may take longer for some people.

 

For the people that want to read this book please get it before you give up hope. Don't listen to the negative..hope and faith are you friends at this time.

 

D I sent you an email.

[phoenix21]

I agree that it works, but it depends on your situation. I think you have to be discipline, understanding, patient, and strong. You can't let your emotions get the best of you like it did for me that last couple encounters with my ex. You also have to really love your ex.

 

I still have hope and I'm going to finish the book. I think communicating with each other will help.

 

Canuck, did you get my email?

[Guest]

I agree that it works, but it depends on your situation. I think you have to be discipline, understanding, patient, and strong. You can't let your emotions get the best of you like it did for me that last couple encounters with my ex. You also have to really love your ex.

 

I still have hope and I'm going to finish the book. I think communicating with each other will help.

 

Canuck, did you get my email?

 

 

last night i played the song [cake version of i will survive] because i told myself i would play it when i knew the hurt and love attached to that was gone - i came online tonite to see how my emotions would react. and i sank down once, just now, for two seconds and then stopped. i made it to the other side - its the only way to start over - to have that stuff die - then u can function normally again. i passed my own test.

[CaliGuy]

Do those books really work? From what you guys have posted on it so far, it all seems like logical stuff and there doesn't appear to be any real outlined way to get an ex back. Thw whole unconditional love thing seems like a waste of time when instead you could be getting back on your feet and looking for someone who won't abandon you. In my experence, thats when the ex comes back to you. Why? Because you're happy and they have nothing!

 

Personally I'm of the school that if we spent as much time focusing on improving ourselves as we did chasing our ex's we would be 1000 times better off. You can not force attraction or love where it does not exist anymore.

 

I don't believe the book "works" -- except in rare cases where you lost your S/O because they felt you didn't love them. If they dumped you because they like someone else better or just flat out are no longer IN love with you, the book is better for kindling than fixing what is out of your hands.

[Guest]

Personally I'm of the school that if we spent as much time focusing on improving ourselves as we did chasing our ex's we would be 1000 times better off. You can not force attraction or love where it does not exist anymore.

 

I don't believe the book "works" -- except in rare cases where you lost your S/O because they felt you didn't love them. If they dumped you because they like someone else better or just flat out are no longer IN love with you, the book is better for kindling than fixing what is out of your hands.

 

i love her dearly and she will never know that

 

good night all

 

from downtown back to the tonka

[Cub]

Blasted hope! Foiled again!

 

On a serious note, however, I forgot to say that I'm glad the tumour thing went alright. Just relax and take it day by day P. Keep the focus on getting better and having fun.

 

As for the book, what does it say about smothering or going too fast in a relationship?

[Jas99]

Ive read through this whole thread and Ive found everything that you guys have had to say really helpful.

 

I guess Im kind of in a similar situation, only that my boyfriend and I are still together. Just a little background on the situation..

 

Weve been together for almost a yr and a half..things were going great untill the last two-three months in which I became demanding, needy, all those things Im sure you guys know about. Basically, it all added up and he said that he felt suffocated and that he had to go through me for everything.

 

We both still loved each other alot, spent 2 weeks going back and forth thinking what we should do...really emotional and crazy, but at the end of it he decided he wanted to make things work. This was before he left the country for about a month.

 

Hes been gone for 2 weeks, things have been hard. Because of the distance he is having second thoughts and all that and I find myself as you all said being needy and persistant rather than just loving and understanding. Also I found myself listing all the changes that could happen, begging for a second chance, blah blah, talking about how I realize my mistakes...all that...

 

He tells me: Just leave me alone and dont talk about the relationship so I can sort it all out in my head. And stuff like, "Right now I feel really bad and negative about the relationship but just trust me and Ill sort it out." He says he still cares for me, hes just in a bad space at the moment and sort things out for himself.

 

Its just hard becuase he just seems so negative about the relationship. I can tell he is trying but he has said that at this moment he is unsure about the whole thing. What makes it harder for me is not hearing all the things I usually hear like, I love you or everything will be fine.

 

And I know what you all are going to say...Just leave him alone! I am trying my best but its sooo hard to not bring it up/ask how he is/what hes thinking..and I guess I just end up beating myself up over it...

 

We are still together. But I guess its in that blank space. I want a second chance to make our relationship what I know it can be. And its frustrating becuase we are so far away frm each other (Ill only see him in about 2 weeks) and I am a very impatient person. But I know I will only drive him away further if I keep pushing. I dont want to blow this. Becuase its at that really delicate stage right know--we are still together but having doubts about the relationship.

 

Id appreciate any thoughts you guys have. Thanks so much.

[Canuck2006]

Personally I'm of the school that if we spent as much time focusing on improving ourselves as we did chasing our ex's we would be 1000 times better off. You can not force attraction or love where it does not exist anymore.

 

I don't believe the book "works" -- except in rare cases where you lost your S/O because they felt you didn't love them. If they dumped you because they like someone else better or just flat out are no longer IN love with you, the book is better for kindling than fixing what is out of your hands.

 

I agree with you 100 hundred percent. I think that's the whole thing to the book..you've got to show love to someone who was hurt by you and felt that they weren't love. Take it slow..start over again with the person if this is truely what you want. It's okay not to be in love with a person. I've done that. And one of my ex girlfriends was on the same page. But I kept loving her unconditionally. Eventually, there was a bond again and it grew strong enough to begin another relationship together. For my own reasons, I chose not to continue on that path. So what I'm saying is that I know for a fact that if there is a real love bond there to begin with, that love doesn't go away and the same reasons you fell in love in the first place can help you fall in love again later on.

 

Gotta go to work! Have a great day.

 

Phoenix I did get your email and sent you one of. Thanks:)

 

I have a feeling too that perhaps if it was just a circumstance in your life where the relationship wouldn't work at that time..say long distance, religion etc, there may be a great chance of things working out as well.

[CaliGuy]

Blasted hope! Foiled again!

 

On a serious note, however, I forgot to say that I'm glad the tumour thing went alright. Just relax and take it day by day P. Keep the focus on getting better and having fun.

 

As for the book, what does it say about smothering or going too fast in a relationship?

 

IIRC, very little.

 

Read "Love Must Be Tough" for info on "smothering" during a relationship.

[Guest]

I've been reading a lot of post here. I can't seem to get my ex off my mind. Everything seems to remind me of her. I keep thinking about what we've been through together, all the good times, and what could have been in the future.

 

My question is how do you stop thinking about your ex?

 

Can I get a perspective from the dumper on whether or not the dumper has constant reminders of the ex? Reminders like places they've been to or just moments they shared?

[CaliGuy]

I've been reading a lot of post here. I can't seem to get my ex off my mind. Everything seems to remind me of her. I keep thinking about what we've been through together, all the good times, and what could have been in the future.

 

My question is how do you stop thinking about your ex?

 

Can I get a perspective from the dumper on whether or not the dumper has constant reminders of the ex? Reminders like places they've been to or just moments they shared?

 

 

Time will help but you need to put the focus on you. Every time you think of her, think of the BAD times and how much better off you are now (and you are). Get involved in hobbies, hanging out with friends, the gym, etc. Time will do it's job but NOT if you focus on HER instead of yourself.

[phoenix21]

The last couple of days felt like crap for me because I know that my ex should have gotten back on Sunday. I guess I thought she would have called me to let me know. I also thought she would have called to see how I was doing with my medical situation.

 

I guess I wanted to know if she was back yet, so I called her phone using a private number to see if it went straight to vm and it didn't. I figured that if she wasn't back yet, her phone would have died and the phone would have gone straight to vm. I know I shouldn't have checked, but I guess I couldn't help myself. Moment of weakness.

 

Anyhow, after reading the book, I decided to send her a Xmas card. I know a lot of you here would disagree with my decision. All I put was, "I just wanted to wish you and your family a Merry Xmas and Happy New Year. May God bless you and your family always. Sincerely, (my name)"

 

I was watching a movie earlier and I guess I didn't hear my phone ring. When I got upstairs, I saw a miss call and it was her. I did not call her back and I might wait a day or two before I do. She's probably gonna get my card on Friday. Should I just wait for her to call me again or should I just call her in the next 2 days?

 

Thanks for everyone's help here. It's helped me a lot, especially during the most difficult times.

[jmargel]

Please stop with the head games. It doesn't matter if you wait 2, 3 or 10 days to call her. That's not going to get her to come back with you. She has to *want* to come back and if she does she will make the inititive.

 

I was engaged to my ex-fiancee, with her for 5 years. I could count the amount of days we didn't see each other probably on one hand during that time. We were inseperatable. However our communication broke down, once we moved in together. She left and I was devestated. Honestly it took me a year of no contact before I went a day without thinking about her. That's when I knew I was over her.

 

For the first couple of months she would call and still 'want to go out and be friends', even though she was now dating my now ex-friend. I told her no, I would not do that. That's when I decided to take control of my life. It took her 3 years later, when she came over un-announced to spill her heart, to let me know she was so sorry for her cheating, her immaturity and all the things she finally learned.

 

By then however, it was too late. Though you will never lose the love you had for her, you learn to move on and love again. Look up the 5 stages of grief, you are going through that.

 

Don't dwell on the past, or the what ifs. Don't romantize the past either. That is something you cannot change. It is not all your fault either. In most situations both parties are to blame equally.

 

Bottom line is, if she wants to come back she will. However nothing you do or say will make her sway to come towards you. The best thing you can do for yourself and for her is to move forward with your life. If anything, that will be something she would be attracted too. That you are doing ACTIONS, just not words.

 

I mentioned before that I think you would benefit from a counselor. Please see one.

[Canuck2006]

I agree with "actions not words". I do think though that you can continue loving your ex 100 percent unconditionally. If you just sit back and do no contact then that's great except one thing...you could also be doing something positive to try and win back your love instead of sitting on your ass waiting for something to fall into your lap...what is that again...fate? Ya that's a load of crap.

 

You could also be there for your ex if you really want her back and there was a true love bond. If the only reason you're doing nc is to forget about them and move on then great. You can still move on and not forget about them as well. Trust me on this one.

 

I find the illness situation is being used to get her back because of your neediness. I am sorry if this offends you and I'm not making light of your sickness. Honestly you can't use that to get her back and I'm sorry. Get your ass in gear and show her how you've changed...don't discuss negative things. Good luck.

[CaliGuy]

I agree with "actions not words". I do think though that you can continue loving your ex 100 percent unconditionally. If you just sit back and do no contact then that's great except one thing...you could also be doing something positive to try and win back your love instead of sitting on your ass waiting for something to fall into your lap...what is that again...fate? Ya that's a load of crap.

 

You could also be there for your ex if you really want her back and there was a true love bond. If the only reason you're doing nc is to forget about them and move on then great. You can still move on and not forget about them as well. Trust me on this one.

 

I find the illness situation is being used to get her back because of your neediness. I am sorry if this offends you and I'm not making light of your sickness. Honestly you can't use that to get her back and I'm sorry. Get your ass in gear and show her how you've changed...don't discuss negative things. Good luck.

 

Canuck, the problem with this theory is that for the most part, if someone wants to be with you nothing will stop them. They'll be the one to initiate the conversations and be pursuing you to some degree.

 

The more you try and "prove" to them you have changed the less likely they are to believe it's "REAL." And frankly, if you have to prove to someone you changed who are you really trying to convince? Them or YOURSELF?!

 

Neediness is unattractive and the more you try and pull the other person to you the more you're going to end up pushing them away. Only time and their hearts changing on their own will bring them back to you.

[Canuck2006]

Sorry I think you've read my post incorrectly.

 

I'm not saying be needy. What i'm saying (and i've done this..it does work)

is that if you really want that person back..and for whatever reason that doesn't matter...the fact is that you want that person back, you have to love them unconditionally. If you can be there for them then do it. And it isn't always the case that they are going to initiate conversations. What if you hurt them? What if they felt they weren't loved any longer in the relationship and they're believing that you don't love them now? Does it makes sense to just do a NC and have them keep thinking that? I think the answer is pretty obvious on that on. Sorry but time isn't always the answer. Sometimes it can work for you, and sometimes it can work against you. It depends on your certain circumstance.

 

I'm going to go over something I've already stated so there isn't any more question of confustion about loving someone and being needy. This is the last time..please read this:)

 

I was in a relationship with a woman for 2 years. I was not working, frustrated depressed and angry. We started fighting. She left me. we both moved to the same city and had no real contact for a few months. Then we started hanging out a bit. I would go over with the idea that I WAS GOING TO WIN HER BACK AND SHE WILL FALL FOR ME NOW! The problem with that is that I was being needy and I would get upset and beg her when she said no.

Eventually I let go of this idea and decided to let things be. We still hung out. We started going to the same bar to hang out. She started dating this guy who wasn't really into her at all. All the time I was being loving to her...100 percent unconditional love. I would listen and offer advice when I could. Eventually they broke up and we still hung out. We started to get closer and closer until feelings started coming back. When we could have started seeing each other again, I decided against it because I felt that I had not learnt the tools that I would need to be in a healthy relationship yet. I walked away from it in the end. So the point of that is you're not being needy showing somebody that you care and love them. You're loving them. If you can't handle doing this and think this is bs then perhaps you need to check yourself to see how much you really did love them in the first place.

 

I never had to "prove" anything to her. I moved on with my life and did the things I needed to do. I just never quit loving somebody. And don't get that confused with being in love. That can happen again if you had a real love bond. That's not an issue. You need to change yourself if there was a problem with yourself (and likely there was..it takes two to tango). Is that proving anything to anyone? Not really..you're just improving yourself hopefully for you and if someone else notices (and they do) then that's great as well.

 

Canuck, the problem with this theory is that for the most part, if someone wants to be with you nothing will stop them. They'll be the one to initiate the conversations and be pursuing you to some degree.

 

The more you try and "prove" to them you have changed the less likely they are to believe it's "REAL." And frankly, if you have to prove to someone you changed who are you really trying to convince? Them or YOURSELF?!

 

I hope this cleared things up. I didn't mention being needy. Sometimes it's difficult for people to understand the difference between being needy and actually truely loving another human being.

 

 

 

 

Neediness is unattractive and the more you try and pull the other person to you the more you're going to end up pushing them away. Only time and their hearts changing on their own will bring them back to you.

[phoenix21]

I find the illness situation is being used to get her back because of your neediness. I am sorry if this offends you and I'm not making light of your sickness. Honestly you can't use that to get her back and I'm sorry. Get your ass in gear and show her how you've changed...don't discuss negative things. Good luck.

 

I'm not offended by it. I agree with you that when I told her about my medical situation, it was because I was upset and I let my emotions get the better of me. And i'll admit that I probably wanted sympathy from her. After thinking about things, I know it was the wrong way to do things if I wanted to get her back.

 

I know what I have to do. Thanks everyone

[CaliGuy]

Sorry I think you've read my post incorrectly.

 

I'm not saying be needy. What i'm saying (and i've done this..it does work)

is that if you really want that person back..and for whatever reason that doesn't matter...the fact is that you want that person back, you have to love them unconditionally.

 

Again, this only works if the person left you because they felt you did not love them. ie: You did not pay enough attention to them.

 

If they left you because they just fell out of love with you or they found someone they are more attracted to NOTHING you do will change that. In fact, the more you try and cling on to them (by staying in contact) the more damage you will do to any possible second chance. This is illustrated perfectly in "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson who works mostly with married couples but also points out how this works for people who are dating.

 

The more you cling, the harder they will pull away. The more you try and "woo" them back to you the more they will be turned off. If they don't want to be with you then any attempt to reconcile will be met with more walls. They have to want to come to you on their own and their heart has to change on it's own.

 

 

If you can be there for them then do it. And it isn't always the case that they are going to initiate conversations. What if you hurt them? What if they felt they weren't loved any longer in the relationship and they're believing that you don't love them now? Does it makes sense to just do a NC and have them keep thinking that? I think the answer is pretty obvious on that on. Sorry but time isn't always the answer. Sometimes it can work for you, and sometimes it can work against you. It depends on your certain circumstance.

 

Again, if you hurt them and they still love you then the "How to win your lover back" book is ideal in this situation and THIS situation ONLY. It will not work if they left you for any other reason. Period.

 

I'm going to go over something I've already stated so there isn't any more question of confustion about loving someone and being needy. This is the last time..please read this:)

 

I was in a relationship with a woman for 2 years. I was not working, frustrated depressed and angry. We started fighting. She left me. we both moved to the same city and had no real contact for a few months. Then we started hanging out a bit. I would go over with the idea that I WAS GOING TO WIN HER BACK AND SHE WILL FALL FOR ME NOW! The problem with that is that I was being needy and I would get upset and beg her when she said no.

Eventually I let go of this idea and decided to let things be. We still hung out. We started going to the same bar to hang out. She started dating this guy who wasn't really into her at all. All the time I was being loving to her...100 percent unconditional love. I would listen and offer advice when I could. Eventually they broke up and we still hung out. We started to get closer and closer until feelings started coming back. When we could have started seeing each other again, I decided against it because I felt that I had not learnt the tools that I would need to be in a healthy relationship yet. I walked away from it in the end. So the point of that is you're not being needy showing somebody that you care and love them. You're loving them. If you can't handle doing this and think this is bs then perhaps you need to check yourself to see how much you really did love them in the first place.

 

I never had to "prove" anything to her. I moved on with my life and did the things I needed to do. I just never quit loving somebody. And don't get that confused with being in love. That can happen again if you had a real love bond. That's not an issue. You need to change yourself if there was a problem with yourself (and likely there was..it takes two to tango). Is that proving anything to anyone? Not really..you're just improving yourself hopefully for you and if someone else notices (and they do) then that's great as well.

 

Ummm, this woman wasn't right for you regardless. Suffice to say the main reason she started coming around may not have been because she loved you but that she was lonely. I had an ex do this to me too. I was in your same position and she did the same thing. Started dating someone else who wasn't into her and I tried to be her friend. Only in my case I ended up being more like a "girlfriend" to her and she ended up seeing me until she met someone she liked better and then she walked away. It didn't matter that I loved her unconditionally and she KNEW it. What mattered is that I was a "door mat" and didn't walk away with my self respect in tact when I should have.

 

By all means, LOVE them if you do. Just don't EXPECT that because you love them that's all that needs to happen for them to come back to you. It doesn't work that way or divorce would be a thing of the past. It's a fairy tale to tell people to just "love" someone as best you can and that's all you need to do.

 

Love them because you love them but don't do it expecting them to come back to you. That's not life, that's fantasy land.

 

Sorry to sound so harsh but trust me on this, when you read Dr. Dobson's book and you read books like "No More Mr. Nice Guy" you really start to understand how women think and why when someone leaves you, it's pretty much over unless the person who dumped you has a complete change of heart, mostly on their own accord -- and that RARELY happens.

 

"There is nothing worse in this world than sitting next to someone you love with all your heart and know that you can not have them."

 

That's exactly what happens to most people seeking a second chance. And they waste their time pursuing someone who is just not into them. Attraction is not a choice and if he/she can walk away from you, you need to LET THEM. Anyone that can break your heart that way never really loved you in the first place. And trust me, if someone really loves you NOTHING will stop them from being with you.

 

Not time.

No distance.

And certainly not NO CONTACT.

[Canuck2006]

See this is why I'm weary of people like you who make postings and offer advice to other people.

 

You say that this woman wasn't right for me. No offence but you have no idea of that and that statement is purely ridiculous. I'm sure you must be aware of that. I must admit that I'm a bit disturbed that a person who has had so much input on this forum would make such a poor statement as that. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you didn't really take the time to read what I wrote before making a statement as such. That woman was right for me..just like there are a lot of people who can be right for a person. I just wasn't right for me at the time. Now that I'm sure you can understand.

 

 

People if you're reading any of this..please understand that it comes down to you. If you want to keep loving somebody because you believe that's right then keep doing it. Don't let any of the people who screwed things up with their own ex girlfriend/boyfriends stop you from doing what you want. I don't know you or the person you love...only you do. Have faith and believe in yourself first, and what you are doing in life.

No matter what there are people who will always see the glass as half empty and i'm sure they'll reply to this because they have to see the world that way and aren't open enough to see it any other way.

 

Happy Holidays to everyone and I hope things turn out well in the new years.