a set way

[CaliGuy]

See this is why I'm weary of people like you who make postings and offer advice to other people.

 

You say that this woman wasn't right for me. No offence but you have no idea of that and that statement is purely ridiculous. I'm sure you must be aware of that. I must admit that I'm a bit disturbed that a person who has had so much input on this forum would make such a poor statement as that. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you didn't really take the time to read what I wrote before making a statement as such. That woman was right for me..just like there are a lot of people who can be right for a person. I just wasn't right for me at the time. Now that I'm sure you can understand.

 

She's wasn't right for you at the time or you'd be together.

 

People if you're reading any of this..please understand that it comes down to you. If you want to keep loving somebody because you believe that's right then keep doing it. Don't let any of the people who screwed things up with their own ex girlfriend/boyfriends stop you from doing what you want. I don't know you or the person you love...only you do. Have faith and believe in yourself first, and what you are doing in life.

No matter what there are people who will always see the glass as half empty and i'm sure they'll reply to this because they have to see the world that way and aren't open enough to see it any other way.

 

I don't see the glass half empty, what I see is you giving people a reason to hang on to an Ex when they should be focused on themselves and healing. The longer they hang on to hope, the longer it takes them to heal. If they DO get back with an ex before they've really healed and improved themselves, a second chance is going to fail.

 

That is why so many of them do fail. They're in such a hurry to get back to where they were they end up right back where they left off, broken up.

 

It's not about being negative as much as it is about being a REALIST. Blaise Harris writes books to make money. Whether he has any statistics to prove his method works on people who really don't want to be with you anymore, well, that's to be determined.

 

And it's not just my experiences I have drawn from. Just read the post in Second Chances and you'll see for yourself what really works and what doesn't. In most cases it comes down to the EX, not you (nor anything you could have done) that wins them back (if they ever do come back).

 

I agree, love your Ex if you really do. But that's ALL you can do. Anything you do to try and pull them back to you when they are not open to it will only damage your chances further and ruin any progress.

 

That is why NC is great. If followed you'll heal in the shortest amount of time and it gives your ex a chance to miss you. If they decide THEY want to try again, they will. And nothing will stop them unless you push too hard.

 

Read "Love Must Be Tough." There's a lot of good information on what to do when someone pulls away and what you can do about it. IMHO, LMBT is a much better book than Blaise's book because it doesn't give you a false sense of hope. It tells you flat out the reasons why people leave and why trying to "woo" them back often ends up in failure.

 

Either way, best of luck to you. I'm not trying to tell you or anyone else what to do. I'm just giving you the flip side of the coin.

 

Cheers.

[Canuck2006]

She's wasn't right for you at the time or you'd be together.

How did I know you'd respond with the same thing. Too funny. Okay one more time..maybe you'll get it this time...I was the person with the issue. I was dealing with anger issues. I felt that if I went back to her or anyone at that time in my life, I'd still be dealing with the problems and they'd be dumped on the other person as well. That doesn't seem like the right thing to do in my opinion. It had nothing to to with her. It was affecting all aspects of my life. You understand where I am coming from now don't you? I don't think I can make it much clearer. . It wouldn't matter who I was with..the same thing is going to happen over and over again with anyone. It's like when you're alcoholic..it's not the other person causing you grief nessisarily..it's your issue and your sickness you are dealing with.

The point is that I could have had that person back if I chose too.

 

I'm not saying to hang onto your ex. I'm saying do what you believe in.

I'm also not suggesting hurrying back to you ex either. I'm not sure where you are getting this from. I find it quite baffling to tell you the truth. I have stated that it's important to work on yourself. Am I going to say do it because she/he is never coming back and when they don't, you'll feel better about yourself because of all your hard work? No of course not..that would be ridiculous..nobody knows what is going to happen...you don't and I certainly don't either. People should work to better themselves always..whether they are in a relationship or not. If you feel as an individual that you want to keep loving this person..and I mean for real..unconditional love then by all means do it. If you feel that you aren't able to do that then don't. And don't push..pushing is bad. I so agree with Cali on this. Pushing is agressive in a bad way. It's like trying to stop war with more war. It just doesn't work. And NC I agree will help your ex miss you..but then again we're only human so it may not too. I think it depends on the situation.

 

Perhaps the book was written for money. So what. All books are. You can buy the bible at a book store right. Millions of people belive in the message of that book. I'd hate to think that none of them have found any goodness in it. If I wrote a book, I'd charge money for it as well. Is Blaise Harris a bit of a flake? perhaps. But then again, there are people that probably think the Dalhi Lama is too.. I worked with a book called Mind over Mood. It helped me change my thought process and reactions to situations in life. Guess what? I had to pay for it. Imagine that. Everything has some goodness in it..it's up to you to find it.

 

 

I do appreiciate you playing the devils advocate..it's definatly important.

Just try and read what I'm really saying here. I'd be grateful if you did. I don't mind the comments, but look at what I'm really saying first. Thanks.

 

People do what you want..believe in what you want. There isn't anything wrong with thinking in a positive manner..about yourself and your situations in life. Why would you want to think any other way? I'm also not saying to not be realistic..but being realistic and being afraid to believe in what you will are two different things. Everything has a consequence. Don't be afraid to try. I also believe that balance is important. NC is great. But not always. Just because it worked for one person or many, doesn't mean the same thing will work for you. Figure out what is right for you in your own situation. And when I say that, take what you will from any of our postings and try and apply them to you and your life at the moment.

 

Me personally...NC in combination with me sending out messages that I care is working greatly for me. We're actually going to talk about what went wrong after Christmas and who knows...I myself can't predict the future...so I don't expect anyone else too.

And this combo might not work for anybody reading this...so good luck on your own path.

I can't write much more in this post honestly..it's beating a dead dog and I'm too tired to care right now.

Merry Christmas:)

[sweetscarlet]

I think people are just trying to offer helpful suggestions Guest, based on personal experience. Whether or not you agree is your decision.

 

Canuck,

I ordered that book you mentioned today.

I don't know how much good it will do me having been in NC with my ex for 3 months, but I'll give it a try.

 

I'll let you know what I think.

D

 

But does the book work if they're not talking to you?

[Canuck2006]

But does the book work if they're not talking to you?

 

This book along with others may help you find a way to open up a line of communication. On the other hand like Cali says, sometimes NC does that too. You need to really look at your situation.

 

It's Christmas...go to bed. Open presents in the morning...celebrate the season.

[D-Lish]

lol... go to bed.

Why? The Exorcist is on. It's a Christmas classic! Thought you were away for x-mas Canuck?

 

I wonder too about how you could possibly rekindle something with someone who refuses to talk to you. That is the situation I am in. Ex dumped me over the phone after a year together, said some horrible things... and we had one meeting since then to exchange our things and haven't spoken since. I've sent a couple e-mails in those 4 months- but have not gotten a response. We went from looking at houses together to being complete strangers in a matter of days.

 

So, we'll see what the book has to say, I'm still waiting for it to come.

 

I fear that sometimes, no matter how strong the bond you once had... that love can be lost and not recovered.

 

Ex's suck.

D

[CaliGuy]

lol... go to bed.

Why? The Exorcist is on. It's a Christmas classic! Thought you were away for x-mas Canuck?

 

I wonder too about how you could possibly rekindle something with someone who refuses to talk to you. That is the situation I am in.

 

It means they are implementing NC with you, unfortunately....

 

Ex dumped me over the phone after a year together, said some horrible things... and we had one meeting since then to exchange our things and haven't spoken since. I've sent a couple e-mails in those 4 months- but have not gotten a response. We went from looking at houses together to being complete strangers in a matter of days.

 

So, we'll see what the book has to say, I'm still waiting for it to come.

 

I fear that sometimes, no matter how strong the bond you once had... that love can be lost and not recovered.

 

Ex's suck.

D

 

If someone falls out of love with you NOT because they did not feel loved by you but REJECTED your love and affection, there's very little you can do, if anything, to get them to come around. You just can't force someone to love you.

 

The absolute best piece of advice I've ever heard after a hard break up is to work on yourself, gain new friends and hobbies, work out a lot and eventually start dating again.

 

If an ex is to come around, normally (not always but most of the time) it will be because THEY have come around on their own and decided they missed you. In fact, trying to pull them closer to you often just pushes them away. Time away from you is the only thing that COULD possible bring them around.

 

Sending them gifts, flowers, love emails/letters when they don't want to be with you (and especially if they are dating someone else) will only make you seem pathetic in their eyes.

 

Think of it this way. Haven't you ever dumped someone? Remember how you felt? You didn't think about them much, especially if you started dating someone new. That's what exs are thinking. Not about you. They're not pining over us or missing us. If they were, they'd be with us right now.

 

Someone who TRULY loves you will not walk away from you nor reject your love. And in the end, it's truly their loss. For you are the only who would not give up on them and not walk away.

 

Cheers.

[D-Lish]

Ouch!

yeah, I know, I know. The ex isn't thinking of me or wondering what I'm doing. I do know that. I think that is exactly what makes it so hurtful.

 

I know this to be the case in my head...but alas, it hurts like a bitch!

I'm ready to stop crying over it... just can't find that particular groove that makes the hurting stop. And I do want it to stop, and I do want to move on. I'm tryin'.

D

[phoenix21]

I know what you guys mean. It's less than an hour away from Xmas from where I'm at and I'm feeling sad. This is the first Xmas that I'm going to spend without my ex and my father at the same time. My father passed away over a year ago and I had my ex with me last Xmas when it was hard for me.

 

It's so hard when you're wondering what they're up to, but you don't get any signs that they're thinking about you. I even bumped into my ex's sister-in-law today at the mall. It was really brief, just smiled and said hi.

 

I went to church this morning and part of me was hoping that she would be there, but she wasn't. I've been doing so well the last couple of days. Thinking about how I'm improving myself and thinking that if this one never comes back, there's so many girls out there that would be happy to be with me and the man i'm becoming.

 

It doesn't hurt as much as it did before, but it still hurts. I keep thinking about how we seem to be like strangers now. I know deep down that even if we were to get back together now, it wouldn't work out. I just have to keep working on myself and see what happens in the future.

[CaliGuy]

Phoenix, I know how you feel. I lost my mom and my ex in the span of two weeks. It's tough, but it will make you stronger.

 

D-Lish, the most important thing you can do is not let it get you down. Breakups happen all the time. We're all so focused on the one that got away when really, they were supposed to get away. They need to move out of the way and let the right person come into your life.

 

And they will come, it just takes a little time and a lot of personal improvement. Instead of lamenting what we think we have lost, isn't it better to look to foward to what the future holds? I believe everyone has someone special coming their way that will make them feel 10x better than the one's we lost ever could.

 

Have a Merry Christmas, all.

 

Cheers.

[phoenix21]

well my ex text messaged me merry xmas. this is what it said, "Merry xmas! Hope u'll have a great one! God bless u and ur family always! Love ya!"

 

My guess is that it was a mass message to everyone. It just sucks because i feel like i should at least get a personal message. It hurts when I think how things are so different between us. She will never know how much she hurts me.

 

Even though I want a second chance, right now I just want the pain to go away. I still pray that one day I'll get my chance.

[CaliGuy]

well my ex text messaged me merry xmas. this is what it said, "Merry xmas! Hope u'll have a great one! God bless u and ur family always! Love ya!"

 

My guess is that it was a mass message to everyone. It just sucks because i feel like i should at least get a personal message. It hurts when I think how things are so different between us. She will never know how much she hurts me.

 

Even though I want a second chance, right now I just want the pain to go away. I still pray that one day I'll get my chance.

 

When the pain really goes away, odds are you won't want a second chance. Most of the time people just move on to someone new.