a set way

[Ssheena]

I think the private message feature doesn't show up until you have made a few more posts (i think 60 is the magic number).

 

Guest you are going to continue to do what you want to do and what plays out for you and your guy is going to be what it will be. I don't believe anyone said that they question that you and he were in love or don't know what love is, what is getting said to you is simply to back off and give him space and don't put pressure on him.

 

I would suspect he is just placating you right now and hoping that you will get over him and not keep bugging him to talk, talk, talk but that's just my opinion.

 

You will see what happens and you will get your answer and no amount of promising to change, saying you already have changed is going to make any difference. Also, PLEASE do not turn into one of those women (who give us all a bad name) and do something totally stupid and I'm not even going to write anything more because I don't want you to get any ideas.

 

Show some respect for yourself and him.

[phoenix21]

There is an area where the book talks about what to do when you're ex is seeing somebody else. To really break it down quickly, Don't put those stupid thoughts of your ex having sex with that person. Just don't do it. Think about the good things..the good times you shared. This may make you feel sad at first..but think about it. You're feeling love for that person in those memories and that's what you need to focus on.

 

Even if they are seeing somebody, you can't stop loving them unconditionally.

 

D-Lish..I'm glad you got that book. My friend and I are calling each other and working together with the book to get our loves back. I wish I could figure out how to give out email addresses here..I did it once but I think it got removed. angrius at gmail dot com. If you have questions when you get the book, let's talk about it and maybe I can help you out with what I've experienced:)

 

Thanks Canuck. What does the book say about NC? I've ordered the book also and should be getting it in a week or so. My ex is current out of the country and will be back on the 17th. Now she knows that I'm having surgery to remove a benign tumor (I know I shouldn't have told her and I probably did it to get her sympathy). Now the last time we talked, she said that she's going to call me when she gets back.

 

My question to you and D-Lish is what do I do when she calls back. I'm thinking about just ignoring her calls. When she dropped my stuff last time, I didn't take it well when I found out she was still seeing someone. Sometimes it's hard for me to hide my emotions.

 

I just don't know how it got to this point when at the beginning of this, she was confused and still uncertain about things. I just feel like she's made her decision and she wants to see what's out there.

 

In summary, what does the book say about NC? Does it say anything about when someone loses their feelings? And what should I do when she tries to contact me?

 

Thanks everyone.

[D-Lish]

I know that for me personally, if I found out my ex was seeing someone else, I wouldn't want him back. I just couldn't be with him again if I knew he had slept with someone else.

 

That is one positive aspect of not having contact with an ex. It hurts to know intimate details of their lives.

 

Should you do NC? Yep.

You need to do this for your own sanity.

Good luck.

D

[phoenix21]

I know that for me personally, if I found out my ex was seeing someone else, I wouldn't want him back. I just couldn't be with him again if I knew he had slept with someone else.

 

That is one positive aspect of not having contact with an ex. It hurts to know intimate details of their lives.

 

Should you do NC? Yep.

You need to do this for your own sanity.

Good luck.

D

 

I'm not worried about the sleeping together part because she's waiting til marriage to do something. Hopefully that hasn't changed. But yeah, if i found out that she did do something, I would not take her back. But what would you do if you've already slept with someone?

[D-Lish]

Well, if I'd already slept with someone, and my ex came back to me...I wouldn't tell him!

Some things are better left unsaid! But I haven't slept with anyone since my break up, mostly because I still love my ex and I don't think it would be a wise choice on my part. When I do choose to sleep with someone else, it will be because I'm over him and ready to move on with the new guy.

 

I think I want my ex back so bad because he rejected me.

Rejection can play funny tricks on our minds and feelings.

 

I think you'd be best to remain in NC- give her space and time to see if she misses you in your absence.

D

[phoenix21]

Thanks D-Lish. I know I should give her space. My problem is that I still have hope and one of my faults is that I expected her to come back. I thought the last time I gave her space, that she would miss me and try to contact me. Maybe since she has someone to fill the void of me, she doesn't miss me. I don't know.

 

I want to see what the book says. Have you read it yet?

[D-Lish]

It hasn't come yet.

I'll let you know what it's all about.

 

I don't think it'll work for me in my situation ya know?

 

My ex is thee most stubborn man on the earth.

It's too bad- we had such a communication problem~ always mis-interpreting one another's actions and words. It's only now, after being apart from him for three months and having a chance to really think about things that I've had this sudden epiphany about what his needs and wants actually were. It would have made a huge difference, me knowing what I know now,

 

I am not holding out hope, but I'll read the book anyway and let you know.

 

How you doing today?

D

[phoenix21]

I'm doing ok. Thanks for asking.

 

I know what you mean about knowing things now that would have made a difference in the past. I just feel like I know all these things now but I'm not given the chance to show it. I hope this book will help. I also hope that I get it before she gets back so I can read it.

 

Have you read anything else about getting your ex back?

[Canuck2006]

The book doesn't really talk about NC the way they do here. Get the book.

Here is a link to some videos with him being interviewed..you'll get a better idea from this...you'll need REALPLAYER.

 

[COLOR=#660000]http://www.ulaleo.com/video/index.html[/COLOR]

[COLOR=#660000][/COLOR]

[Canuck2006]

Here is a link from the board here worth reading as well. It discusses some of the success found by people using this book.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=46908

[Ssheena]

Well.. I went out and bought it today but I can't start it until I've done some work around the house and started dinner. I'll let you know what I think of it.

 

Don't any of you have bookstores you can go browse in? At the Barnes and Nobles where I just was they have all these comfortable chairs and tables to sit at. There are always people reading and sitting and sleeping too.

[phoenix21]

I just got the book and will be reading it. I will let you guys know what I think about it. Hopefully this works for us.

[D-Lish]

I had to order the book from Amazon- I looked all over Chapter's and Indigo (Canadian) and didn't find the book so I ordered it online- should be here tomorrow.

 

Like I said- I think my odds are next to none on getting him to even ackowledge me, let alone come back to me.

 

I still love my ex like crazy, it's tough because I am trying my best to move on and date others, but my head and heart just aren't in the dating scene just yet.

 

I'll let you know what I think too when I get the book.

:-)

Dee

[Canuck2006]

I had to order the book from Amazon- I looked all over Chapter's and Indigo (Canadian) and didn't find the book so I ordered it online- should be here tomorrow.

 

Like I said- I think my odds are next to none on getting him to even ackowledge me, let alone come back to me.

 

I still love my ex like crazy, it's tough because I am trying my best to move on and date others, but my head and heart just aren't in the dating scene just yet.

 

I'll let you know what I think too when I get the book.

:-)

Dee

 

Ha. I had one put away for my friend at the Chapters up at the Manulife Building...it was the last one in the city..sorry!

 

Your odds might change really fast. It depends on your situation. I'm not going to say that my ex is going to take me back, but we are in touch. I messed up and sent her a gift that was a bit too much last week but it did make her smile. I'm in a bad bad situation...D I think you know the story from my other posting. I was verbally abusive and angry while going through a major struggle with depression. It's a tough one. Well can't wait until you get the book. I think you're really going to like it!

[D-Lish]

A part of me didn't want to order it because I didn't want to keep setting myself up for more rejection.

But I'll use it as a one last attempt and see how it works!

Took the last book eh?? Thanks! lol.

 

My ex is just so damn stubborn. I couldn't imagine anything I'd do or not do to get him to talk to me again. I've been sending him short/sweet e-mails about once a month since the break up telling him I'm just thinking of him, but nothing more. I probably shouldn't even been doing that!

 

As for the anger and depression, I'm a firm believer that we're all human, and we all make bad judgement calls, we all fall down once and a while. I'm also a believer in second chances and forgiveness. I just hope my ex can find a way back to me someday and give me a second chance.

 

Thanks, I should be getting the book tomorrow!

Dee

[Canuck2006]

I am having contact with her which I guess is a good thing. I'm doing the small gift things...christmas is coming. May just give her a small body shop package..cranberry. Also two little things for the kids..I mean cats.

 

D email me if you get the chance...I'm in Toronto from Sunday until tuesday if you want to grab a coffee. Let me know. Maybe I can give you some starter points...let me know.

 

Chad

[D-Lish]

I am having contact with her which I guess is a good thing. I'm doing the small gift things...christmas is coming. May just give her a small body shop package..cranberry. Also two little things for the kids..I mean cats.

 

D email me if you get the chance...I'm in Toronto from Sunday until tuesday if you want to grab a coffee. Let me know. Maybe I can give you some starter points...let me know.

 

Chad

 

Okay, sent you an e-mail, let me know if you get it!

 

I will be in Toronto over the weekend too.

I still haven't got the book, it's taking a bit of time!

Dee

[CaliGuy]

Here is a link from the board here worth reading as well. It discusses some of the success found by people using this book.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=46908

 

Having read this book, I feel like I can give my educated opinion on it.

 

Unless you have lost your "lover" due to you making them not feel loved (and they admit they are still IN love with you) the tactics in the book are going to be worthless to you. If your ex left you because they don't love you anymore (aren't into you) or they found someone they like better, nothing you say or do is going to change their mind. Contact, no contact -- whatever.

 

There is nothing in the book that is going to make your lover love you again if they have fallen out of love with you. Period. Sure, clinging to them or trying to stay their friend could cause more damage, but it won't make someone love you.

 

Nothing you do or say can make someone love you who does not have those feelings anymore....

 

The book talks a lot about no focusing on the past, never arguing, putting up a good front (making every interaction a pleasant one) and even puts up the notion that if there is "competition" that you can beat them out. The examples in the book are almost comical in nature.

 

What I do like about the book is getting yourself mentally healthy (fixing bad behavior) and the last chapter, understanding when to walk away from an unhealthy situation.

[Canuck2006]

Fair enough to have you opinion, but remember that a lot of other people have read it and it worked out for them.

 

It's working so far for me and my friend who also bought the book is finding great success in it. If you have a true love bond, then the book is right..that never goes away. I can assure you of this seeing that I've lived it. It takes time and if you have a negative attitude and don't believe in it then of course it doesn't stand a chance of working.

 

I agree the examples are a bit shallow and not exactly ideal in my situation, but I took from it information to fit my situation and it works. The point is that the examples are never going to be tailor-made for everyone. That's impossible. You just look at them and think about your situation.

 

Just in case anybody is actually thinking that if their ex falls out of love with them and meets somebody new that they can't have them back, that's bs. I broke up with a girl, we had our own lives at that point and dated other people. I always hung out with her during this time and helped her through some rough patchs. At some point, the bond came back because I really was showing true 100 percent love to her. We became close enough that the feelings started to come back and we could have dated again. I shut it down though because I was afraid of hurting her again.

 

So there you have it. People the glass is half full. Fill up the rest.

[phoenix21]

I got the book and i'm 2/3 done with it. Now, I'm in the situation where my ex lost her feelings. Well, someone made her question the relationship more than she was already questioning it. The problem was that I didn't make things exciting, I took her for granted and didn't make her feel special. The book talks about loving them and making them have good thoughts of you.

 

My ex is currently seeing someone else right now and the book talks about not focusing on that. All I can do is love them. My ex is currently out of the country right now and I spoke to her earlier. This is what I told her.

 

me: whatever happens, i just want you to be happy

her: I want you to be happy too

me: i'll be happy if you're happy

her: take care mike, i'll always pray for you

me: i just wish things were different

her: i'm sorry

me: don't be sorry, just be happy. that's more important to me than anything else

me: i'm also sorry for all the mistakes that i made when we were together

me: i'm sorry i took you for granted

me: i'm sorry i didn't make you feel special

her: its my fault too

me: no it's not, you warned me and I didn't listen. at least i've

learned my lesson

me: you gave me my chances and i didn't do anything about it

me: and even when you wanted space, i didn't give it to you. I was

being selfish. i should've been more concern with what you

were going through and how you were feeling and I'm sorry

me: I was only thinking about myself, when i should have been

thinking of you

me: I was only thinking about what i wanted and not what you wanted

her: it's not just you, it's me too (at this point I told her not to

say anything until done)

me: you made a good choice for leaving me because i wasn't doing

the things that i know to do now. i wasn't doing the things to

make you happy.

me: I don't blame anyone else for what happened except myself.

when you wanted to take a break, i just did more things to

push you even further.

me: i take full responsibility for what happened and i paid the

consequences

me: I hope you find what you're looking for and when you do, hold

on to it. take it from me because I found what I was looking or

and I lost it

me: if i ever get a chance at it again, i will not make the same

mistakes

her: I know

me: this has taught me valuable lessons about life. especially, you

have to appreciate what you have

me: you can't always worry about the future because anything can

happen

me: i've learned the true meaning of love and how to love

me: and to always have faith. so l want you to live life, be happy

me: and maybe one day God will bring us together again and you'll

see who i've become

her: i know.. i'm sorry it has to end this way. i also thought at some point that this was it for me. but we cannot predict life

me: I have faith in God and I think this had to happen for a reason

her: i know. i do too and i'm sorry

me: don't be sorry. not now, but i think our paths will cross again. i

believe that God's putting me through everything to make me

better and to make me stronger and when the timing is right,

our paths will cross

me: so don't be sorry, be happy for me. be happy that God is

taking care of me

me: let's not talk about this anymore, we'll see what happens

 

We talked a little longer and that was it. What do you guys think? I just wanted to let her know that I'm sorry for my mistakes and that I want her to be happy. I didn't say that I loved her because she knows I do and she should know that I love her a lot because I just want her to be happy. Saying I love you wasn't gonna do anything, I could just show her. That is something that I've learned.

 

I hope that this will make her last impression of me as a good one, letting her know that I just want her to be happy. I think the last few encounters we had wasn't good. Now I'm going to leave her alone, but I will send small gifts like the book says

 

I will email you canuck and maybe you could give me D-Lish's email if she doesn't mind. We can talk about the book more and help each other out.

[Guest]

Does the book say to not let her have a word in altogether.......Man of man can you talk and talk and talk and simply not give a rats ass about how she feels. It is simply only about what your feeling! You say you want her to be happy with life yet it is so evident that you can't let her go and be happy whichever way she sees fit. She says she is sorry and all you should be doing is respecting her wishes to move on in life yet no....you feel the need to give a speech about how you feel.

[phoenix21]

Does the book say to not let her have a word in altogether.......Man of man can you talk and talk and talk and simply not give a rats ass about how she feels. It is simply only about what your feeling! You say you want her to be happy with life yet it is so evident that you can't let her go and be happy whichever way she sees fit. She says she is sorry and all you should be doing is respecting her wishes to move on in life yet no....you feel the need to give a speech about how you feel.

 

If you must know. I just had surgery to remove a tumor so I felt the need to talk. They are running test to see if it's cancerous. I wanted to let her know how I felt in case I never get the chance. So please don't judge someone unless you know all the facts. I do care about her feelings, but I had to get things off my chest. I didn't want her to say anything because I already knew that she was sorry and there's nothing for her to say. I also took things out of the conversation, especially her part and just left the main points.

[Canuck2006]

If you must know. I just had surgery to remove a tumor so I felt the need to talk. They are running test to see if it's cancerous. I wanted to let her know how I felt in case I never get the chance. So please don't judge someone unless you know all the facts. I do care about her feelings, but I had to get things off my chest. I didn't want her to say anything because I already knew that she was sorry and there's nothing for her to say. I also took things out of the conversation, especially her part and just left the main points.

 

Okay here's the thing. Don't contact her unless it's a positive thing. I'm sorry you had a tumor..I really am. I know what this is like and how it can affect life. I'm going to sound like a complete a*shole here but you contacted her because you were being needy. Please think about that before reacting to that comment.

 

Now keep reading the book okay? In your conversation, it seems like you are coming off more needy than showing love for her. Don't push anything..take it slow. You need to keep loving her but not push your dead relationship in her face. It isn't going to work. That relationship is dead. Focus on your future.

 

I'm sorry if this seems harsh. I'm just giving you what I see so you don't keep making the same mistakes. Good luck!

[D-Lish]

Hi Phoenix,

I tried to send you a PM with my e-mail, but your PM isn't activated yet.

I think you have to have a set number of posts before you can recieve private mail.

 

Canuck,

did you get my e-mail?

I sent it yesterday.

 

Book still hasn't come, I'll have to track where it's at.

 

Sorry to hear about your medical problems P, hope all turns out well for you. Let us know how things turn out okay?

In the meantime, keep posting here, we'll bounce ideas and advice off one another!

Dee

[phoenix21]

Thanks guys. And Canuck, I understand what you are saying. I guess it's different when you're looking from the outside. I hope it wasn't too bad. I know I need to have better control and I don't want to make mistakes. That's why it's hard, because you want to make sure you don't make things worst.

 

I appreciate your opinion and your help. I will finish the book and we can discuss everything. I will be getting my test results soon.