The girlfriend Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 I've been dating a guy now for 9 months. He divorced his wife 1 year ago. His divorce was amicable. So amicable that she spent Thanksgiving dinner with us. Now, Christmas is around the corner and she bought my bf a gift. He now feels compelled to buy her one. As a compromise, he wants the gift to be from the both of us. His explanation for all of this is that it's best for the kid's sake. (ages 12 & 14). He will also visit with her and the kids at her house on Christmas day to watch the kids open gifts. I am having a difficult time accepting all of this. Am I wrong to feel that way or does anyone find this inappropriate? Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 Its not the norm ~ but if they have this kind of relationship ~ without anything going on ~ it would be the idea situation for the children, really. Just as long as you're included and kept fully informed of who, what, when, where, and how, and not too much too often ~ and the primary focus when it comes to intimacy is with you. Crying damn shame more post-divorce relationships couldn't be like this. I don't like my XW enough to want to have any kind of relationship with her, but I do respect her as the mother of our children. And, although she turned out to be a lousy wife for me, doesn't by definition extend that she's a bad mother or person, or woman for that fact. Just that she and I mixed together like gasoline and open flames! Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 4, 2006 Share Posted December 4, 2006 I don't think it's inappropriate at all. And I'd say their kids are damned lucky to have parents who are kind to each other even after their divorce! Your bf is including you in this - she spent Thanksgiving (presumable their children did as well) with you and your bf. He is including you in the Christmas gift giving, so it's not a gift just from him, it's from both of you. He is doing everything on the up and up, and isn't hiding anything from you. You are fully in his life and in his kids' lives. Both he and his ex are sending their kids the message that you are part of the 'family'. My uncle and his ex-wife are like that. They remained amicable, and his ex came to all kinds of family events and still does - weddings, birthdays, etc. Both have since remarried - for years and years - but they are still friends and have wonderful, happy blended families. Trust me - this is a million times better than exes who are crazy mad at each other! You don't have to put up with harassing phone calls, hostile actions, fights and arguments, and you aren't being left out in the cold while they continue to tangle with each other. Why are you having trouble accepting this? Are you jealous of his relationship with his wife? Are you afraid they'll get back together? Are you afraid he's going to cheat on you? Link to post Share on other sites
The girlfriend Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 There's more to it than just the holidays....I just didn't go into it all...I guess the holiday's is what bothers me the most. They speak/email nearly everyday. My bf lives w/his mother and his ex visits with her for hours at a time. They eat dinner together occasionally...sometimes without me. They had considered going on a traditional yearly trip together...I would be included as well...but that would just make me uncomfortable. As it turned out, she had surgery and couldn't go. My bf's mother lives with him and she offered assistance to the ex as she was recovering from surgery. She stayed overnight in his house with his kids for a week. I'm not fearful they will get back together again. But it all is just a little hard for me to handle. I was a little disappointed about the holidays as it was our first holiday together and I had to share it with the ex as well. I realize I need to accept and respect the ex as the mother of my bf's children and I do. I just feel that a lot is being asked of me to accept all of this. I also think it's giving a confusing message to the kids who still expect everything to remain the same as they were when they were married. I am somewhat of a jealous (but usually rational) person....so I just need to know if I am overly sensitive or if other women would have an issue with a situation like this. Link to post Share on other sites
The girlfriend Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 They actually aren't divorced yet....they will remain married for another 4 years....too long and hard to explain. It was just easier to say they divorced. The gift she bought him was $75.00 - $100.00. We now need to reciprocate the gesture. I thought the amount was a little extreme as well. Link to post Share on other sites
lasan Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 My sister and her ex husband do this Trust me she has no desire to get back together with him. She has remarried and he has a gf. I have said this in another post, they have the most amicable agreement ever for custody and care of their children. They NEVER fight in front of the kids, the they do things as a family still. They spend the holidays and birthdays at each others homes. They do not alllow anyone to badmouth the other parent. They do still buy each other gifts at Christmas time, and each others family members. Alot of people think it is strange, but, I see how happy their children are and I can't knock it. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 They actually aren't divorced yet....they will remain married for another 4 years....too long and hard to explain. It was just easier to say they divorced. That's the part I would have a problem with, if I were his gf. If they were divorced, the rest of what you described wouldn't be an issue, as long as he is treating you well and with some romance. Does he kiss you and hug you in front of her and the kids? But that he's not going to be divorced for another 4 years is bizarre, and I wouldn't go for that at all. What, is she an immigrant and has visa issues? That's the only thing I can think of that would be even remotely acceptable. If she is an immigrant, that might also explain why she treats his bf's mother as her own... Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted December 5, 2006 Share Posted December 5, 2006 I have a bad feeling about all of this. With his mom, not much you can do. My wife's dad is like this with her ex. They are best friends, however I don't have any contact with them. They aren't divorced, and 4 years? Here in PA when the other party doesn't sign off on it, it's automatically after 2 years. There's a difference between keeping a relationship with your children and your ex. If this makes you uncomfortable (rightfully so) then your wishes should be put ontop of his ex's. I know I wouldn't want to spend my first xmas with my wife's ex. I also know that him spending time alone with her is not right. It's time to express your concerns here. Sounds like he hasn't let go of his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytellan Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 I had a problem with it before you added that they weren't divorced. These kids are old enough to handle the truth. These two are acting a little strange. It seems to me that this is a situation you should have acted on sooner. By accepting this behavior this long, you have condoned it and are somewhat stuck with it. It is OK for you to have a problem with this, but voicing it now seems a little useless. They do not need to be communicating every day. There are married couples that dont communicate this much. Be skeptical about the situation, and for goodness sake, tell him you are totally uncomfortable with this. His reaction will tell you a lot about him. Link to post Share on other sites
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