paranoid of boyfriend

[lin_ette]

dear all;

 

I have been in a loving realtionship with my guy for almost 2 years,

but lately my paranoia, and jealousy is tearing us apart, i can admit to that, i need to change but how does one person like me change, is it ever at all possible to change?

 

I want to tell myself stop worrying about it, he loves me, he's with me and no one else, i have done so much for him, he even tells me that after all i have done for him why would he even think of cheating on me.

 

i need someone to tell me that with time it is possible for me to overcome this 'thing' i am going through at the moment.

 

have you ever been in this situation before?

did it fade out eventually?

what did you do to overcome the situation?

 

I really don't want to lose him, if I don't stop being so paranoid, possessive and jealous i will lose the most important person to me who i love dearly.

 

Can anyone out there please help me

[ash519]

i am working on the same thing, see my last post "is this reaction normal?"

 

I have been with my bf 19 months and i love him, he reassures me in his own ways every day of how much he cares for me yet I still am insecure and jealous.

 

I wrote a reply to another thread and I will see if i can find it and paste it because i agree with what i wrote in it.

 

Worrying is not worth it. I know this. He is with you for a reason and that is all there is to it, and if he is going to cheat or stray he is going to no matter how possesive we are or not. Stinks, i know!!!

 

I am in a state of feeling very insecure right now too so i guess i am not too much help, but you arent alone.

[ash519]

Hi! I am in the same boat as you! Sucks doesnt it??? I dont feel my case is extreme as yours, but then again maybe I am to embarassed to admit it the way you do. I get worked up when I see pretty girls around us and I wonder if he is looking, if they are looking back, if he wants to do more than look.

 

My bf of 18 months did the same thing by the way, writing an ex when he said he didnt! I was furious. As far as I know though, he would NEVER cheat. He loves me so much. (hope i dont jinx it!)

 

I have been to a therapist and she has helped but not cured me. I feel I have gotten a bit better but when he goes out late man does it all show that I am just as insecure as ever.

 

I guess we have to tell ourselves this...no matter how tight of a grip we keep on them they will find a way to do whatever it is we are keeping them from doing. If he is going to cheat, he will cheat...if he is going to leave you for someone else, he will. As heartbreaking as it may be that is just a fact. We will be better off if that is what they decide to do. But we need to let them decide for themselves what they want. It's scary how big of a risk love is. We both have to let go. I have to let my bf go out when he wants and just swallow my insecurities. If not, they will end up leaving and not because of somebody else, but because we pushed them right out that door by showing no trust in them. As much as we say we trust (and i believe we do) our insecurities tell them we dont in the long run and that is very important.

 

It is so hard!!!!! I love him more than anything and thinking he could be taken away when he goes out late with buddies drinking or whereever it may be kills me. BUT we have to let them go. If they love us the way we feel they do they wont f it up.

 

I go as far as trying to be home at night when he will be so i can just be there. Most of it is because i love to be with him, but there are times i say no to seeing friends just so i can 'keep an eye on him'. (but not that extreme.)

 

It's crazy how our messed up past has molded us into these weak insecure people.

 

If our men want to stay with us, THEY WILL. No matter who walks by in a short skirt, no matter how many drinks they've had and no matter who they meet with the same interests, they will just love us because they do.

[James8888]

Here's a man's point of view on this thread. And, this is coming from a man who's been with more then a few women. I have to ask, has your bf's ever given you reason to feel this way? Is there evidence of cheating? If so, then your feelings are warranted. If not (like it seems) then this is all about your own insecurities. Hate to be blunt. You need to address those feelings and talk about them to your bf. If he's cool then he'll work with you on them. If not then he may be a butthead or just bad with emotions. Either way if you keep up this obsession you'll push him away for sure. If he's like a lot of guys he'll either get tired of it or say, "Well, if she thinks I'm cheating then I may as well fit the crime". Or, he'll feel empowered by the weakness you show and he'll use it for his advantage. You may be lucky and not have a guy like I'm stating but then again you may. So, I'd say work on this problem within you and get past it. If you don't you will create the very problem you most fear.

 

later

[Naive]

Has he ever gave you a legitimate reason to be jealous?

[Kinger25]

Unfortunately, it is a bit of a vicious circle, and yes, the more insecure & jealous that you become, the more likely you are to induce the behavior that you are most dreading.

 

Girls, we all know that men are odd creatures and they do not think in the same way emotionally as us women. There are not too many men out there that would sit at home worrying themselves to death when their GF's have gone out for the night, and even if they are worrying, they will never readily admit it.

 

The problem with being so paranoid and insecure is that you are actually making your own life miserable by doing so. When you have those feelings of jealousy pumping through your veins, they are extremely powerful and they do end up eating you up inside. Why be consumed with negative and destructive thoughts and feelings ? at the end of the day we find love and have relationships because we want that companionship. We have no right to control another person and unfortunately, all too often, some women think that they can control their BF's into not spending time with other women.

 

As another poster said, if your BF is going to cheat, then he will, regardless of whether you are paranoid and insecure about it or not. Most people cheat on their SO's because there is something wrong in their relatioship to begin with. If you are constantly jealous your negative feelings are going to rub off onto your SO which in turn makes your relationship bad, which then encourages cheating and infidelity. There is only so much aggro that one person can take before they finally get to breaking point and feel that they may aswell be unfaithful because then at least their GF's/BF's would have a valid reason to have a go at them.

 

Try and enjoy your relationship and your time together. You obviously fell for each other because you connected on some level in the first place. Trust is the main ingrediant in any healthy relationship and without trust there is no relationship. Love is not jealous or insecure, it is trusting and true, so just calm down and love your BF, take some time out from the paranoia, as at the moment you are letting those feelings dictate to you.

 

You will get alot more out of your BF if you trust him and love him honestly, than if you bounce negativity and jealousy off of him.

 

I think that if you do settle down and trust your BF, then the jealousy in time will fade and one day, you might look back and realise how silly you were in the first place.

[lin_ette]

dear all;

 

thanks you for all your thoughts and suggestions.

 

"has your bf's ever given you reason to feel this way? "

"Is there evidence of cheating? "

 

lst week i went through his phone whilst he was still sleeping.

i saw a coup,e of texts SENT from his phone to a girl named Sabrina who he met online, THEY HAVE NEVER MET IN PERSON!!!!!

 

this one text worried me it read "i finish at 8:30 babe, do you want to meet after"

 

other texts sent read "can you call me hun"

 

i woke him up getting ready half dressed. and told him i was leaving NOT ONCE HAS HE TOLD ME OR THREATENED ME THAT HE IS LEAVING!!! always been me!!!

 

sabrina was clling his phone.

 

i said who is she, why are you texting her do you want to meet up? i was angry? and shaking!!! like crazy!

 

he explained who she was, she was on loudspeaker, she said i had a good guy and that he would never cheat on me! she has a boyfriend also,

 

we met 2 years ago he and this sabrina girl met online BEFORE we were going out, why is it that the text SENT from his phone said DO YOU WANT TO MEET!?!?!?!?? why not earlier, why now?????

 

please anyone explain to me!!!!

 

i am going nutS!!!!!!

[w0rdever]

Dear Lin ette, I am going through almost same feelings as you if I was you I would freak out just like you and when I freak out just like you I shake alot like I am cold so I feel you on your problem. All I can say is we all know how sneaky guys and women can be whether they are with someone or not so by the girl saying she is taken and saying your man wont cheat that might be true, but why does your man wanna meet her could be that things they talked about b4 you were intimate or innocent but if I was you I would let him meet her let them be friends and if anything was to happen, you can always know that your instinks were correct and you have a next time to change them. But let him meet her you dont wanna make it a big deal because if it is innocent you can push him away by being over protective.