My husband wants me to leave.....

[angelkellrae]

A few months ago my husband wanted to get a divorce. We worked things out and they got better. Now he is wanting the divorce again. It started again because I wanted to get a dog. I had 2 cats when we met and I gave them up to get married. That was almost 3 years ago. He says we cannot afford a dog. We do have debt, however I know that it will not hurt us to have this dog. I am working to support us while he is in college. Debt is going to happen. He wants to be debt free. He is suggesting a separation for 6 months to see how things go. After that time period we could still get divorced. I do not want to get divorced. I love him very much and think that we can work it out if he would only try. He is not willing to right now. He wants me to move out. I am totally heartbroken. I need advice. Please HELP! I don't know how to feel about this or what to do. He says he loves me still. Then why does he not want to be with me and work it out?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Can you describe his behavior? Have you noticed any recent changes? Any suspicious behavior? It sounds like there is more going on here than meets the eye.

[Tony T]

When he made you get rid of your two cats, he put you on notice that he does NOT like pets. So why are you surprised that he is insistent that you not get a dog?

 

Frankly, I think there are problems that extent beyond the animal thing. I think your husband is a self centered, narcissistic butthole. He wants ONLY what he wants. Here you are busting your butt to support the two of you while he's in school and he won't even let you have a pet???

 

You don't love this guy...you just think you do. In time, your life will be a living hell. I absolutely understand how you feel. Right now, this guy is your entire life. That's because you have issues too that we need not go into. But if you get counseling and get some self respect and self esteem, you won't want to have anything to do with this jerkhead.

 

If I ever run into him, he won't have any teeth left. To be so abusive to a kind, sweet lady like you whose trying so hard to make his life better is heinous. But, then again, he is wanting a divorce. At second thought, maybe he's not so bad after all. He's think you deserve a LOT better and, by Gawd, he's right.

[angelkellrae]

Can you describe his behavior? Have you noticed any recent changes? Any suspicious behavior? It sounds like there is more going on here than meets the eye.

 

He has been avoiding me lately. Not telling me he loves me at the end of a phone conversation. Finding reasons to not come home. I don't think that he is cheating or anything like that. He has been looking at porn a lot. I have caught him several times. He says he won't do it again. But then he does. I am not sure why. I am being intimate with him, well not right now, but I was.

[angelkellrae]

When he made you get rid of your two cats, he put you on notice that he does NOT like pets. So why are you surprised that he is insistent that you not get a dog?

 

Frankly, I think there are problems that extent beyond the animal thing. I think your husband is a self centered, narcissistic butthole. He wants ONLY what he wants. Here you are busting your butt to support the two of you while he's in school and he won't even let you have a pet???

 

You don't love this guy...you just think you do. In time, your life will be a living hell. I absolutely understand how you feel. Right now, this guy is your entire life. That's because you have issues too that we need not go into. But if you get counseling and get some self respect and self esteem, you won't want to have anything to do with this jerkhead.

 

If I ever run into him, he won't have any teeth left. To be so abusive to a kind, sweet lady like you whose trying so hard to make his life better is heinous. But, then again, he is wanting a divorce. At second thought, maybe he's not so bad after all. He's think you deserve a LOT better and, by Gawd, he's right.

 

Maybe I do deserve better, however, I want to try to work things out. He is a nice guy, he is just being selfish. He says he has to put his school ahead of me right now. I don't think that is fair. I have been crying for days, I am so tired of that. I wish I could just walk away but I just can't. I hope that you are right in saying that I will be ok once I get counseling. Thank you so much for your imput!

[Krytellan]

A guy doesn't choose to separate for 6 months because he's "not sure". He's sure. He doesn't want to be with you for whatever reason. I wish I could offer more insight into his behavior, but do know that this separation, as he is calling it, is in fact a divorce in his mind. Acting in a way other than that could be detrimental to your well-being. The dog thing is just an excuse. Men are generally too selfish to tell you what's really going on and will use any excuse at hand to meet our ends.

 

I feel for you. I know how it feels to have a spouse tell you, and show you, that you are no longer loved.

[Ladyjane14]

He is a nice guy, he is just being selfish. He says he has to put his school ahead of me right now. I don't think that is fair.

 

I don't think it's "fair" either. Honey, the guy looked you in the eye and told you plainly... "I have other priorities".

 

 

You don't have a bunch of kids to think about. I think if I were you, I'd 'open the cage door'.

 

Your best bet is to make certain that he understands the gravity of his decision though. IOW, whatever decision he makes ought to be FINAL.

 

You shouldn't promise him that you'll be waiting around in case he changes his mind. In fact, if he leaves and enough time goes by, believe it or not... you won't really even want him back.

 

Unless the two of you have some bigger issues than what you've posted, I think there's a good possibility that your husband is fooling around.

 

It just doesn't make rational sense for him to want a divorce just because he doesn't want a dog. I hope you can see that for what it is.... a 'control issue'. And sometimes a person who has allowed a deficit in self-control will ramp up his 'controls' regarding other aspects of his life.

 

There's also a certain amount of rationalization at work when a person is cheating. i.e. "If it weren't for YOU... I'd be happy", etc.

 

Now, I'm not saying that it couldn't be something else, but as a possibility.. the 'red flags' seem to be here.

 

All in all, I think my advice to you would be to deny the temporary separation. If he's got his eye on someone else, the separation is just a feint anyway. The usual plan is for the cheater to give himself and opportunity to explore the dynamics of a new relationship, all the while hedging his bets and keeping the old one on standby.

 

And the idea that two separate people can get out of debt faster than two who are sharing their resources is just ludicrous... not worthy of consideration.

 

If I were you... I'd very politely tell him to "sh*t or get off the pot". It increases the difficulty level of his decision if he KNOWS it's a permanent one.

 

And really, you shouldn't be making it easy for him to mess with your head at will.

[jmargel]

You can't make a person be with you if he doesn't. I would suggest marriage counseling but if he doesn't want to go that route, open that cage door for him. As for you moving out? If you are paying the bills, tell him if he wants to go then he leaves.

 

He sounds quite immature and seems to use this marriage to get what he wants.

[Mz. Pixie]

I don't think it's "fair" either. Honey, the guy looked you in the eye and told you plainly... "I have other priorities".

 

 

You don't have a bunch of kids to think about. I think if I were you, I'd 'open the cage door'.

 

Your best bet is to make certain that he understands the gravity of his decision though. IOW, whatever decision he makes ought to be FINAL.

 

You shouldn't promise him that you'll be waiting around in case he changes his mind. In fact, if he leaves and enough time goes by, believe it or not... you won't really even want him back.

 

Unless the two of you have some bigger issues than what you've posted, I think there's a good possibility that your husband is fooling around.

 

It just doesn't make rational sense for him to want a divorce just because he doesn't want a dog. I hope you can see that for what it is.... a 'control issue'. And sometimes a person who has allowed a deficit in self-control will ramp up his 'controls' regarding other aspects of his life.

 

There's also a certain amount of rationalization at work when a person is cheating. i.e. "If it weren't for YOU... I'd be happy", etc.

 

Now, I'm not saying that it couldn't be something else, but as a possibility.. the 'red flags' seem to be here.

 

All in all, I think my advice to you would be to deny the temporary separation. If he's got his eye on someone else, the separation is just a feint anyway. The usual plan is for the cheater to give himself and opportunity to explore the dynamics of a new relationship, all the while hedging his bets and keeping the old one on standby.

 

And the idea that two separate people can get out of debt faster than two who are sharing their resources is just ludicrous... not worthy of consideration.

 

If I were you... I'd very politely tell him to "sh*t or get off the pot". It increases the difficulty level of his decision if he KNOWS it's a permanent one.

 

And really, you shouldn't be making it easy for him to mess with your head at will.

DITTO!!

 

If he wanted to make school a priority he shouldn't have gotten married!!!!

 

Listen to LJ here. I think if you dig deeper you'll find that there is a fly in the ointment, and she has a name!

[angelkellrae]

He says that we are past marriage counceling. I think that it would benefit us but he says we are too far gone. He says he wants to get a separtation so I can prove to him that I can stick to a budget and pay off "MY" debt. In a marriage there is not mine and your debt, there is our debt, but he disagrees. You are right about "If he wanted school to be a priority, he should not have married me". I brought that up, he said he did not want me to get away because he knew I was the girl for him, but it was ju8st bad timing. He is still saying that. He thinks in the short term I am bad for him but in the long term I will be good for him. Example, when he finishes PHD schooling. That will be another 7 or so years from now. I am very sad about the whole situation. I am pretty sure that in the state of LA that you have to be separated for 180 days prior to filing for divorce. So we will have to do the separation thing. He is calling a JP now to see if he can shed light on the situation. I am not sure if the JP gives that kind of advice or will just tell him the laws. Anyway, thank you everyone who has replied. I needed someone who is outside of the situation to tell me what they think!

[ilmw]

Men are generally too selfish to tell you what's really going on and will use any excuse at hand to meet our ends.

 

 

I'm glad you said generally and not all...

[Ladyjane14]

He says that we are past marriage counceling. I think that it would benefit us but he says we are too far gone. He says he wants to get a separtation so I can prove to him that I can stick to a budget and pay off "MY" debt.

 

See an attorney, sweetie. The debts you incurred together will most likely be split at settlement. Don't let him buffalo you into paying more than your share.

 

(Honestly, I think if you put a keylogger on his PC... you'd know everything you need to know inside a week.

 

When my husband was acting weird a couple of years ago, I couldn't imagine him doing anything innappropriate. And yet, when I finally gave myself permission to investigate... I had my answers in less than 12 hours. )