I'm a bad girl, Broke NC

[forbidden fruit]

Happy New Year!! It has been a good week and bad. I know what I have to do and the more time away from him the clearer it is to me how bad he has treated me. Why would not except this kind of behavior from my H but I let my mm treat me so terribly. The more I think about this the madder I get. The madder I get the easier it is to NC him. I can't believe how played I have been. Boy is he good. I don't think there is anything he can say which will turn me around. Your write his actions have not backed up his words.

[bonehead]

Why would not except this kind of behavior from my H but I let my mm treat me so terribly. The more I think about this the madder I get. The madder I get the easier it is to NC him. I can't believe how played I have been

 

You know Forbidden, I have asked myself that question about you I dont know how many times.

 

I was betting that if oyur husband did that eaither 1) you would smack him up side da head and say WTF. Or 2) You really have some serious issues.

 

Glad to see it was number 1.

 

I am working on that plan. Still want it?

[forbidden fruit]

Definately- he has done me a great favor being on vacation and me being gone. Everything got so transparent and the games he has been playing. He really has no respect for me at all. Do you think he has no respect for women or just because I had a A with him. Before all of this he would never say the things he has said to me. Why does he think it is okay to treat me this way? I already know what you are going to say because I let him. Give me a hint about your plan-please.

[bonehead]

actually I wanted to talk to you a bit before the plan was final.

 

have a few questions for you.

 

My plan is more about changes in you then anything else.

 

Why did you get involved with MM in the first place??

[forbidden fruit]

We were friends and we hung out all the time. I knew from the moment I met him he was the opposite of my H. I did not want to face issues with H so I turned to him. He was so easy and fun. I did not want face the hard work ahead of me with H. However, I have faced alot of these issues with H and things are better ,but I am still unsure. Yes my decision to leave or not has alot to do with my kids.

[forbidden fruit]

Okay now it is a mess. I don't know where to begin or why I am telling you this because you are going to tell you I told you so. Well here it goes. Met MM today and had a long talk. Of course it was are usual going in circles. I told him I want more and you cannot give it to me and he said I want more from you to, but I cannot leave now because of financial reason and kids. Same old story and I said I am not ready to leave yet either. Then mm asked me what I wanted and I said I wanted him to follow through with his actions. He said he doesn't follow through sometimes because he is pushing me away because he feels quilty, but then wants me back so badly. He cannot live without me in his life. So he backpeddles and tries to get me back. Then I push him away and we are both at a impass. He said he wants me to be nice to everyone for right now until it is the right time for both of us to leave. We both know it is not the right time. I am torn because I am not sure whether I should continue the A or stop it altogether. I told him the pain of having him in my life the way things are is greater than trying to move on and forget about him. He told me why can't I be mentally stronger and accept our situation for right now and know I love you , want to be with you all the time and try to get through day by day . Am I beng mentally weak and should I be able to accept this. These are the questions I am wrestling with right now.

[whichwayisup]

Sooner or later you're going to get tired of the rollercoaster you're on, and end it for good. As long as you keep intouch with him, keep the affair going, whether it be physical or emotional LIFE is the way it is now.

 

He is actually being honest with you, selfishly, but he is. He's told you he isn't capable of leaving his wife, his family at the moment (to me, that's not a "I WILL LEAVE" in the future, it's a way of putting you off, yet keep you interested and around still in his life) and you pushing him, talking to him about leaving, isn't going to change his mind. He wants to have you and his wife in his life. Just like you want him in yours, and keep your husband too.

 

The choice is yours, but when you're ready. I really hope you gather the strength soon to walk away and just end it because things are going to get worse.

[bonehead]

No need to post a plan. A plan is meant to be followed to achive a goal and you cant even stick to the first action thats needed to achive that goal.

[frannie]

I told him the pain of having him in my life the way things are is greater than trying to move on and forget about him. He told me why can't I be mentally stronger and accept our situation for right now and know I love you , want to be with you all the time and try to get through day by day . Am I beng mentally weak and should I be able to accept this. These are the questions I am wrestling with right now.

 

You told him it hurts you too much to do this, and he says, why can't you be mentally stronger?

 

No, you're not being mentally weak in not being able to do this (keep up the affair). You're being sensible and looking out for yourself. Don't keep talking to him and allowing him to try to get you involved in the affair again. He's being incredibly unfair on you.

 

Even if he were to leave, the things he's done and said and the way he's treated you, as people have pointed out time and again on this thread, show that he's not a nice kind of man to have in your life. He's manipulative and selfish. Why would you want that, even if it 'all worked out'?

 

Start NC again and tell him you do NOT want to talk to him in any circumstance.

[forbidden fruit]

I just have to write this and get these feelings off my chest. I know there are those of you who are going to judge after all my posts and that is okay.Yesterday was probably one of the lowest in my life. I made the decision to meet my mm and continue the affair. Although we both almost did not show up because we felt guilty already. We had the best two days together until we had to go back to our worlds.

 

It was such a low because I have put all these expectations on myself to end it and I cannot. I let myself down and my family because I need to be with this man more than anything. Even with all his faults there is just something between us that neither of us can give up. I know we are selfish and weak people, but with all that I do love him with all my heart and would put everything before him.

 

He is trying because he knows how hard it is for me and is trying more than in the past to help me out and ask me if I am okay and if there is anything he can do with the kids to ease my burden. I said you have to let me go and he said I cannot and for me to make a plan for both of us. I said no he needs to make the steps to end his marriage and not for me but because he is unhappy. I need to figure out my m but it is pretty much over in my eyes but I am staying for the kids. He now is with me all the time and my kids when he is off. We are best friends and sometimes he says it would be easier if we could just be friends. Okay so now the awkward. He wants my family and my family to go out and I begrudingly agree. So now I am sitting here thinking I just made a deal with devil. He has the best of both worlds. I feel like i have come full circle. He said if we can go out as two families we can be together more. He wants everyone to do things until we can be together. I now think he never is going to leave because i see the way he with his wife not intimate at all, but he is scared of her. So I cannot imagine him trying to leave. I feel like NC does not work because of our situation but I think I will ignore him as best as I can and let him know I am not going along with how he wants things to be. It is killing me I cannot eat or sleep and I am so torn up. I feel when i am with him we can do anything and when we are not together I feel like I cannot be. I want you all to know before this a I have always been a strong independent woman and that is one of things both my mm and H fell in love with. I feel weak vulnerable and utterly confused.

[GreenEyedLady]

Well, at least you're being honest with yourself now...I don't really think going out with the other family is wise because your spouses' are bound to see/feel the chemistry between you two, and I think you'll get caught, but that's up to you...

 

Sorry that you are feeling so down and confused...I sincerely hope that things get better for you...GEL

[puddleofmud]

Do you remember that I told you that no matter what come from this that as long as you were honest, that I would support you?

Well, here I am without judgement, without opinions, without any thing other then to stand with you.

You have made a decision and I AM here for you!

Hugs to you, sweetie and I hope all goes well for you!

[marlena]

I feel like I cannot be. I want you all to know before this a I have always been a strong independent woman and that is one of things both my mm and H fell in love with. I feel weak vulnerable and utterly confused.

 

Yes, dear heart, this is what an affair does to us...it robs us of our self-esteem and sense of pride and before we know it that once independent and strong person becomes a grovelling weakling.....and we wind up hating ourselves eventually....I am not one to say how this can be resisted as I was OW for five years....and it was hell ofcourse....when the wife busted the A wide open things got very dirty...she stalked and harassed not just me but my family as well...this lasted for two years even after we ended it...and what hurt most is that he went back to her and even bad mouthed me to her....when i think of it even now I just want to vomit all over the place...and now I' m in a similar situation only this time he says has been separated for years and living alone but no divorce ....I stopped seeing him when he told me two months practically into the relationship...I don't believe him..I cant believe him ..he's trying to suck me in again and my emotions are is such a turmoil...everytime he calls I am hostile and aggressive which isn't me at all...they really do bring out in thw worst in us and then wonder why....

[bonehead]

You know how I feel about how he has treated you. That has always been my biggest issue.

 

That being said, I too am here.

[frannie]

FF I think most people here will feel the same way: here to help you work your way through this in the best way you can. NO need at all to explain or apologise or feel bad about choices you are making. How could I anyway..? I've gone back to my affair more than once.

 

That said, I agree with bonehead... I don't like the way he's treating you, I don't like some of the things he's done and said. I don't like the way he's pushing you to do things you don't want to do. But it's all down to you. Your life. You will move on (or not) exactly when you're ready. (( hugs ))

[movinon05]

I too am not going to judge you because I have been in your shoes. I know exactly how you are feeling. My last post on this was to get you to see what could potentially happen in this situation. Its just NOT a good situation.

 

Having said that, I too was a strong independent woman. But my love for MM overrode everything else. I was putty in his hands. He was able to manipulate me and my emotions to the point where I couldn't think straight. I put him before everyone else, including my children, (for a short while, at least). It was my idiot innocence that thought my children would someday learn to accept him if they could see how happy we were. But it never got to that point anyway because of how everything else went down with our spouses.

 

You are being honest with your feelings and there's nothing wrong with that. It is quite apparent to me that you do not have the strength to walk away. Like the others, I do not like the way he has treated you and expecting you to just go along with this. Your emotions are what has you at this weak state. Its not a crime. But I can see it just as I lived it. Although you may think this will somehow all work out in the end, that is a very slim possibility. I can see that until this all comes to fruition and you are found out, you are not in a place where you can walk away. I just do hope it doesn't come falling down around you. I have only tried to get you to see the devastation this could cause and maybe help you to see what is possible from having gone through it all. But to tell you the truth, if I was on these boards when I was going through it, I would have still insisted it was all going to work out. I just know better now. I wish you luck.

[forbidden fruit]

Thank you for all your support. This has given me the strength to do what i needed to do ths morning along with the thread of Old europe. I went on a long walk to clear my head and put the situation in perspective. I saw him by himself and he saw me. I thought if he truly loved me he would of not put me in the situation he put me in last night. I did it for him because I care for him and in doing that i have sacrificed all of myself. I thought if he truly cared about me he would of called and said thank you for last night I know that was hard for you. Thanks for doing that for me. Well you guys all know the answer he did not and then proceeds to tell me i am being selfish .Then hangs up on me!! i am so mad, hurt and feel utterly deceived for the last time. I know he is done with my tyrants and I am done with everything!! NC is now in full effect. Nothing he says will change my mind. He has walked all over me for the last time. I gave him love and he used it as a dishrag!!! The audacity to say it was no big deal for him-last night. What a uncomfortable situation -just another example of him showing his true colors. Am i crazy to have wanted that phone call this morning? He thinks he is right and that I am wrong.

[Freedom Now]

FF,

 

I don't really know your story except for the past few posts here on this thread.

 

When you are tired of the rollercoaster ride, the sleepless nights, the sick feeling in your stomach and all the other nasty side effects that this man is bringing into your life, you will leave for good.

 

Only YOU know when that moment will come.

 

It seems to me that you are getting drug around and you are allowing it.

 

But, again, I don't know your whole story, so I could be amiss....

 

No judgment from me.....I, too, went back into the affair with my MM a few times after periods of NC. But, you need to do the HEALTHY thing for you and this man doesn't seem healthy for you.

 

I guess I just want to say in a nutshell: If it hurts, it probably isn't good for you.

 

Peace to you.

[whichwayisup]

then proceeds to tell me i am being selfish .Then hangs up on me!! i am so mad, hurt and feel utterly deceived for the last time. I know he is done with my tyrants and I am done with everything!! NC is now in full effect. Nothing he says will change my mind. He has walked all over me for the last time. I gave him love and he used it as a dishrag!!!

 

Remember this in afew days or afew weeks when you miss him and want to talk to him again...Remember that whatever it is you're looking for OUT of him you will never get.

 

It's time to focus ALL your energy and love into the man who loves you NOW. Your husband...

 

The MM is not going to leave his wife. The MM isn't inlove with you, he's loving the attention you gave him, he's loving the excitement of the affair.

 

Good luck and I hope for your own sake you can stick to NC.

[forbidden fruit]

Thank you for your words of encouragement. The thing is you want them to be who you want them to be because you love them. This man can never be who I want him to be. He lacks the character and strength and he knows he is weak. I believe that is why he is mad at me. I think he should be this type of person and so does he but he too much of coward to do anything about his miserable life. He dragged me into his miserable life and brought me down with him . I know it my fault because I went there too, but now I need to claw my way back. I feel so hurt, betrayed and used. I will never let any person again have this much control over me. Maybe that is my lesson to be learned from this.

[whichwayisup]

The thing is you want them to be who you want them to be because you love them.

 

Yes, but he isn't who you want him to be...You've unfortunately built him UP to be someone he is incapable of being due to your feelings for him... I am glad to hear that you're seeing this now. He is NEVER going to be 'that guy.'

 

Sadly, yes, a painful lesson has been learned...It takes two to tango, but ONE person to walk away and not play anymore...So BE that person to walk away forever.

 

Seriously go talk to a therapist to help you cope with this fallout. You need it so you can BE the person you're meant to be. Once you've dealt with the loss, the resentment and pain, you'll be able to focus on your husband and fixing your marriage.

[forbidden fruit]

So he called me and said he was sorry for not thinking of me and my feelings, but he said he does not simply think that way. I believe he is a child and really does not understand what it is to be a equal adult relationship. He said I love when you point these things out to me because I really don't know. He said I am always yelling at him and my reply was a calm you never follow through. Your actions never match what you say. He replies you want more from me and I am so messed up with my life right now, ie my marriage. I told him I will not be calling or having any contact with him. Like always he pulls the kid card on me and how everyone including w will be suspicious. I said I don't care and he said then everyone will know we are having an A. Well he did not like that and that I am making him ill and I have no idea how much he cares about and I should be happy because friendships last longer than relationship. So am I suppossed to be happy with being friends. He doesn't want me not to end it until he can talk to me in person. What do you all think although I already know the answer.

[whichwayisup]

Look I am SURE that most of the neighbours have figured out "something" is going on between you two. People aren't stupid - AND sometimes people have nothing better to do than sit and watch WTF is going on around them. WHO CARES what the neighbours think. You nor him, can control that.

 

DO NOT SEE HIM in person and discuss this. You're not strong enough to stand up to him. Sorry, I know that is harsh, but he KNOWS how to push your buttons, to say the perfect thing to get you to cave and let him in again.

 

This whole situation IS a mess, not only his marriage, but yours too. You and him have created this mess and I really hope sooner rather than later it just ends. He needs to stay away from you, you need to stay away from him. The kids will be kids and play together - You both can be mature adults, suck it up and NEVER cross the line again. Keep it just about the kids, never alone though.

You can DO this if you really want it to happen. Have that faith.

[frannie]

I said I don't care and he said then everyone will know we are having an A. Well he did not like that and that I am making him ill and I have no idea how much he cares about and I should be happy because friendships last longer than relationship. So am I suppossed to be happy with being friends. He doesn't want me not to end it until he can talk to me in person. What do you all think although I already know the answer.

 

What do I think?

 

He's acting dumb so he gets his own way. I think that he's clever enough to work out that people might suspect there's been something going on between you two, so he's 'clever enough' to work out what might or might not hurt you and what is and isn't good for you. He's SO full of bull the entire time.

 

You do what is right for YOU. He has made his bed, as they say.

[forbidden fruit]

I am so completely torn up by everything and mind is all over the place. I have never have let anyone talk me into so many things that I do not want to do. So I guess my biggest obstacle which he says is what his w will think if I don't talk to him . I know it should not be any of my concern. He says she thinks I am nuts because one minute I am talking and the next I am not. She obviously does not know those are a reflection of all my attempted but failed NC's. IS THIS HIS PLOY TO JUST KEEP ME HOOKED?

What do i say to him to combat his way of thinking. He said i am being childish about this whole thing and just because I cannot be with you right now does not mean I don't want to. He said it is the difference between want and can. He can't because he will lose everything, but he does not want to lose me as a friend. Is he crazy because he makes it out that I am the crazy for not going along with this. Please anyone some insight.