kymberann Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 I forget which one forbidden or answer, whose husband may tell W of the affair. If that hapens that may solve that issue of the kids playing. Also, if you allow the kids to play, they may pick up on any "vibes". Kids know! And then that may start a whole 'nother set of issues. So do you want to go there? Lay out all the possible consequences first before making a decision, once it is made stick to it whter it is the "right" one or not. However, I strongly feel you have to do what you have to do for you! Best Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted December 7, 2006 Author Share Posted December 7, 2006 I forget which one forbidden or answer, whose husband may tell W of the affair. If that hapens that may solve that issue of the kids playing. Also, if you allow the kids to play, they may pick up on any "vibes". Kids know! And then that may start a whole 'nother set of issues. So do you want to go there? Lay out all the possible consequences first before making a decision, once it is made stick to it whter it is the "right" one or not. However, I strongly feel you have to do what you have to do for you! Best That would be me answer! My H did volunteer to tell his wife. I am not so sure it's the best move but I think it would keep the kid's away. However my kid's would be devestated if they could not play with them, they are very close. We have known them since they were babies. As far a vibes I think his daughter has picked up on some. I know she has heard me talikng with him when I was on the phone and she was at my house. His kid's adore me. Infact they want to hang around me. I take them everywhere. So instead of just having my three I am carting around 4 or 5 most of the time. AP Link to post Share on other sites
forbidden fruit Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 I to took his children in as a part of my family. What gies me some satisification is he thinks I am going to cave because of my track record. It gives me strength to know I can do this because it so hard!! I do not want to give the selfish pri*** one more ounce of my self esteem. If I see him it will make NC more difficult, but so far so good. I now he is over there wondering when i am going to break. He is so full of himself. I would love for my husband to go over and kick his a***. Is anger a healthy part of this process? Link to post Share on other sites
Freedom Now Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 Oh yes, anger is healthy. It knocks him off the pedestal. It means you are taking back your power and getting indignant. Link to post Share on other sites
kymberann Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 You Bet anger is part of the process! So are: Denial (this isn't happening to me!) Anger (why is this happening to me?) Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...) Depression (I don't care anymore) Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes) Sometimes you can feel two or more of the same thing at once. I certainly am right now. And it definetly is not linear. It goes back and forth and up and down. PLus I feel there are a host of other emotions that go with this whole grieving process. Both of you just remember you have to do what is best for you, the rest of the situation will fall into place the way it needs to be. Also by not deciding to do anything about the current situation is basically making a decision. THink about those consequences as well! We'll be here. Best Link to post Share on other sites
Cliche Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 Kymberann, I think I really needed to read that reason/season/lifetime thing right now. I'm really glad you shared it and I suspect I'm not the only one. Link to post Share on other sites
forbidden fruit Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 I am hurting so much and this is only my third day of nc. I can't help but wondering if he is hurting also. I don't think he can hurt more than I am because if he was he would of called. How after all this time is it so easy for him to walk away. Did he finally realize what I have been telling him all along which he ignored and that is I wanted more. When does it get easier and when will he realize what he has lost because before the physical we had a EA and we were together almost everyday? Link to post Share on other sites
kymberann Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 It is going to be so hard for you to comprehend it all right now. You want answers, you want to know why MM found it so easy to just give it up. Is he/isn't he hurting. Ask yourself "does it matter". Right now yes, later on maybe not so much. I was there almost 4 weeks ago where you are, relatively assuming. It hurts like a SOB. How can they just leave? because they can. The risk of losing it all isn't worth the chance to some MM to be with their OW. No matter how much they tell you they love you and want to be with you and wish things were different. I know this is hard, but this is what I have come to realize over the past four weeks.I am just now getting some sanity back. My esteem is recouping, I am laughing again. I spent the whole morning today NOT thinking about MM. I almost had to stop and grieve the fact that I didn't think about him! WEIRD. Then I reframed and thought to myself WOW, that is one less space and time frame MM has occupied today! Allow yourself to question, you need that right now, one day it will make sense. We will help! Cliche, glad to hear that was of help, very poignant, isn't it. Best! Link to post Share on other sites
forbidden fruit Posted December 12, 2006 Share Posted December 12, 2006 I am reopening this thread. It has been a week of NC and somedays are harder than others and some minutes are worse than others. All in all I think i am doing good except for a couple of days ago. My MM'swife came over to ask if we all wanted to go out and do something like dinner. Of course I said no and she looked shocked. She doesn't understand why we all used to be friends and now we are not talking. My question is my mm knows we are in NC.Sowhy did he send his wife over to test the waters. We have gone NC alot and I have never followed through so is he testing me to see if I am actually going to stick to it this time. I almost said yes , but I thought about my H and my kids and how they need me to do NC. Does my mm still think there is hope of having pushing the door back open. Link to post Share on other sites
oyster Posted December 12, 2006 Share Posted December 12, 2006 My MM'swife came over to ask if we all wanted to go out and do something like dinner. Of course I said no and she looked shocked. She doesn't understand why we all used to be friends and now we are not talking. My question is my mm knows we are in NC. wait a minute here, does the W knows about your affair with her MM? Link to post Share on other sites
kymberann Posted December 12, 2006 Share Posted December 12, 2006 Don't jump to conclusions with this one. However I am making an assumption that she doesn't know, or else why the look of shock? Whether he is testing you or not, that's questionable too. He was probably hoping you would say "no". You don't really know IF he sent her over or if he is testing you. If he is then let it be so. Sooner or later you will have to deal with this situation anyway. Forbidden, keep thinking about your H and Kids. If that is what it takes, then let it work for you. Then come here and vent all you'd like! We are here for you, so be strong! Best Link to post Share on other sites
what2donow Posted December 12, 2006 Share Posted December 12, 2006 I just had to post on this one. I've been NC for almost 3 months now, but I still see him once or twice a week. This past month he's been talking to me like we were still close friends, waiting for me at the gym in the mornings to talk, etc. Yesterday, I finally worked up the courage to call him and asked him to totally stop talking to me. Saying hello when we meet is OK, but no questions about my life and no conversations at all. It broke my heart, but I did feel better this morning. It did feel empowering to tell him I want him out of my life as much as possible. It just sucks that if he had said he wanted me back, I would have been, well, I think my heart would have exploded!! Just one more step in the right direction... away!! BTW, thank everyone for sharing your stories.. even though I don't post much, I get so much help on here from reading and knowing I'm not all alone in all this. Link to post Share on other sites
forbidden fruit Posted December 13, 2006 Share Posted December 13, 2006 She definately would of ran it by him before she came over and asked. I think hwanted to see how serious I was about NC since this is the longest I have ever gone . Even though that is only one week i think he is thinking i will come groveling back. No way- the bummer is now he is everywhere I used to go with the kids so I hae purposely avoided these places and the kids are asking why we can't go. Am I going to eventually deal with this or should I go a little longer with avoiding? It is definately making NC easier Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted December 13, 2006 Share Posted December 13, 2006 She definately would of ran it by him before she came over and asked. I think hwanted to see how serious I was about NC since this is the longest I have ever gone . Even though that is only one week i think he is thinking i will come groveling back. No way- the bummer is now he is everywhere I used to go with the kids so I hae purposely avoided these places and the kids are asking why we can't go. Am I going to eventually deal with this or should I go a little longer with avoiding? It is definately making NC easier Hmm, well even if she ran it past him, what could he say: 'oh no, dear, let's not invite her, it would be so awkward being as we're NC'. He can't really say anything can he! There is no way you can know what he's thinking, so the best thing is just to carry on with what you've decided and what you want, and try not to worry about it. It's a really awkward situation, because questions are going to be asked about why socialising has just come to a halt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted December 13, 2006 Author Share Posted December 13, 2006 I am hurting so much and this is only my third day of nc. I can't help but wondering if he is hurting also. I don't think he can hurt more than I am because if he was he would of called. How after all this time is it so easy for him to walk away. Did he finally realize what I have been telling him all along which he ignored and that is I wanted more. When does it get easier and when will he realize what he has lost because before the physical we had a EA and we were together almost everyday? Forbidden, I am feeling your pain! You need to keep up with NC, really truely try your best because if you don't you will get sucked back in. I finally have realized for the VERY first true time in my whole mess that this was just some sort of Fantasy that I let myself become involved with! I was on the verge of throwing away my entire life for a man that is so inscure that he need's ego stroking from any attractive woman to make himself feel better, sick and twisted and very controlling. I KNOW I am not at all guilt free here, but thank gosh I can now open my eyes and he what a snake he really is. MM now looks like the innocent one here in my mess. Trying to pull the line now that he told me to work on my marriage. If that were the true case he would have never kept coming back for more! After finally telling him that I do still love my H and I did not truely love him IRL but in a fantasy world he said to me, "oh no you love me, you don't love your H, you would leave him for me in a heartbeat! " Why say this if he want's NO involvement, trying to help my marriage by telling me that I love him and not my H? He is truely twisted! AP Sorry to vent, Needed to! Link to post Share on other sites
forbidden fruit Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 Answer please are you sure we are not seeing the same guy because that is exactly the same thing my MM told me. I am having a day of weakness and want to see him so bad. It has only been a week and half of NC and today I really miss him. I know I could see him today if I wanted to and feel very vulnerable. I do not seem to have the strength I had yesterday. I started thinking about all the good times. Please someone talk some sense in me. I no NC is the best, but it feels so final and i am having a hard time closing the door completely!! Link to post Share on other sites
forbidden fruit Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 Well i broke NC and it feels weird. We were at the same place and both are kids were playing. I managed not to look at him the whole time and then all it took was one look and motion over and NC was broken. However, I stood my ground when talking to him. He said the usual things to try and suck me back in. You are what I want to do but my family is what i have to do. I can't help but wondering why he intiated contact after he was the one who ended it . I went NC to protect myself. Why could he not handle NC if he was the one who said this is what he wanted? Is it because of the kids and the fact they were not playing together or did he not want to explain to his wife why we were good friends and now I am not talking to them? He wants to meet to talk about everything? Any thoughts if I should or is this ploy to put me right back where he wants me? Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 He wants to meet to talk about everything? Any thoughts if I should or is this ploy to put me right back where he wants me? Carrot on a stick. Stick to your NC. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 You are what I want to do but my family is what i have to do. I can't help but wondering why he intiated contact after he was the one who ended it . I went NC to protect myself. Why could he not handle NC if he was the one who said this is what he wanted? Is it because of the kids and the fact they were not playing together or did he not want to explain to his wife why we were good friends and now I am not talking to them? He wants to meet to talk about everything? Any thoughts if I should or is this ploy to put me right back where he wants me? He WANTS to do you?! Tacky, tacky, tacky... Don't meet him...If you want to stay in your M, don't talk to him...It's up to him to give his W explanations... What is there to talk about, really? Nothing has changed...Just my thoughts... Link to post Share on other sites
forbidden fruit Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 what does carrot on a stick mean? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 It means that he (MM) is baiting you... Link to post Share on other sites
forbidden fruit Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 Call me thick but why is he baiting if it was his actions that forced me into NC. Why now a week later would he be baiting me? Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 Call me thick but why is he baiting if it was his actions that forced me into NC. Why now a week later would he be baiting me? to try and suck ya back in Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 Call me thick but why is he baiting if it was his actions that forced me into NC. Why now a week later would he be baiting me? He's doing what HE wants...He wants it on HIS terms, when HE feels like it... Link to post Share on other sites
forbidden fruit Posted December 17, 2006 Share Posted December 17, 2006 But he was the one who said we were done and I responded to that with NC so why is he now trying to suck me back in? I am not sure about that I think it is because he does not want to explain to his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
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