Wife Left Me Again

[jesse james]

I met my wife in May 1982 and it was love at first sight. She had just turned 17 and I was 20. She was my first true love. We bought or first house in December 1984 and married in October 1985. After getting married, my wife was rarely openly affectionate, she always rejected my advances and many months would often pass between a periods when she would initiate any intimate relations.

 

We had two children, born in 1989 and 1991. In 1994, another pregnancy was aborted, as my wife agreed that we did not want only more children. I then had a vasectomy. We agreed never to discuss this again with anybody, including ourselves. We continued with what I thought was a happy marriage, with no apparent problems.

 

In July 1998, at her request for an old rambling house, we moved into her dream home. A 200-year old country cottage, complete with extensive gardens and log fires in the winter. For Christmas 2003, I bought an eternity ring. However, in May 2004, her mother suddenly died and my wife withdrew into herself, containing all her grief. My wife began secretly smoking cigarettes and on Sunday 6th June 2004, my daughter confronted her. In the ensuing argument, I said asked why you are keeping this from me, what else are you hiding?

 

When I came home from work on the Monday evening, a short note was left on the table with her wedding and engagement rings. The note read “Sorry for everything”. Nobody knew where she or the children were and I had to contact the police to find her. The police said that she and the children were safe, but requested me not to make any contact, as her father was grieving. On the Wednesday, she went to see a solicitor and a letter was received on the Friday, saying that the marriage had irretrievably broken down and I would be subsequently served court papers. My wife did all the home administration, but I later found that she had spent £8.5K on the credit card and we were overdrawn in the bank @ £1.5K. I was in a complete state of shock and started selling anything and everything I could to clear the debt.

 

During the following week, my wife telephoned me and said that she could not live with me anymore, that I was lazy and the love and respect that she had for me was lost when I took her for the abortion. She wished that she had stood up to me and not gone through with it and I should not have left her. During the next two months, my wife and the children increasingly continued to visit home. Then she returned permanently. We agreed to work harder on our marriage and go out together as a couple at least once a week. I thought that we were reconciled and we started some long awaited major house refurbishments. For the next 27 months, I occasionally felt that I was walking on eggshells, but that was a small consideration, as I do really love her and worked very hard to make things work. I did all the home DIY, administration, gardening, cooking and she did the washing and ironing.

 

My wife works for a major supermarket and in March 2006 she gained a promotion as a management trainee. I continued to give her all possible encouragement and support. However, this meant that she began working extremely long and irregular hours and we began to spend much less time together. I saw that this was putting a strain on our marriage and I asked her work less, but she said that she had to, because it was something that she wanted to do and to shown the managers what she was capable of. Due to the extra money from selling my boat and motorcycle, we had a good lifestyle and went on holiday to Spain in August 2004, Greece October 2005, and Spain in August 2006.

 

However, six weeks after our last holiday, unexpectedly, my wife calmly announced that she was going to pack her case and would be separating from me, staying with her father some 18 miles away. She said that she did not love me anymore, she hates feeling guilty all the time, that she should not have come back after the last time, they all said that she was stupid to do so, but she was glad that she did as it made her realise that this was not the life that she wanted anymore. My wife said to the children that she would call home to see them whenever she could. I cried like a baby, said that I loved her and pleaded for her to stay, all to no avail. She said that there was nobody else involved, but it was something that she had to do and requested me not to make any contact with her and if I loved her, I would let her go.

 

The following weekend, she went to London with some work colleagues, seeing a show and shopping in Harrods. She has continued to maintain daily contact with me and the children and her demeanour is much better than even the months before she left. She comes to the house unannounced and whenever she likes, at all times of the day or evening. After the first week, my wife said we must stop hugging as it would make it harder for us both and said that I must not carry any false hopes, she was not coming back this time.

 

The following Friday when we were alone in the house, she told me that she wants a divorce, but she was not in any rush and I could divorce her if she wanted. A week later, she was not wearing any rings and said again that she does not love me and it is not fair on me not to have the love and affection that I deserve and that I would be a good catch for someone. She wants me to meet someone, to have sex with them and for me to be happy. She said that she will be happy on her own and what nice person would be left for her at her age. I said you are only 41 years old, stylish and beautiful. I said that she was sex on legs and that I will always love her. She then said that I was embarrassing her and she was getting confused.

 

She continually says that the children are her only concern. However, why then was she able to leave the children, two dogs and me? However, sometimes when she visits, the children are often not there, but she still stays whilst I cook meals for her. Then we go into the lounge with mugs of tea and sit on the sofa in front of a log fire. She then excitedly tells me all about what she is doing at work, how the stores sales revenues are up. Then she will say, I have to go now to do some more work on my portfolio.

 

Whilst I am at work, she regularly visits home with shopping, to see the dogs and to do some of our laundry and ironing. She often works nights, visits in the evening before work, and visits the next morning with croissants. When she visits, I have tried to be strong and try not being openly upset, but I am not eating or sleeping and am completely emotionally drained. I am confused by her behaviour, but I am trying to behave amicably towards her, with honesty, love and sincerity. However, my friends, family and even my Daughter say that I am letting her walk all over me and I must stand up to her.

 

I would really appreciate any help and advise. I am trying to follow the advice posted on many forums:

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

[bit11]

jesse,

 

sounds like you have been reading the same things i have as my wife has recently moved out on me and i partially blame the death of her father who died in july. it most me something in the air in spain as well since i was there in june for my honeymoon. but i suppose we need to just follow the advice that we have read and hope for the best. i am entering my fouth day of no contact and it has not been easy, i am very surprised i have not heard from her especially since she left somethings behind on her moveout on sat. and she was going to come by and get them sat. night. i don't know if this is some method of keeping her foot in the door or what. anyway good luck and lets be strong and patient and hope for the best.

[jmargel]

Use this analogy here.. You have a garden but you notice this really nasty weed, so you cut it, pull off the leaves, etc.. only to find it grow back in a few weeks. It's because you didn't pull it out by the roots. Unless you really dig deep and get to the root of her problems these problems (weed) will keep coming back.

 

How to do this? Next time you talk to her tell her you are going to counseling (and schedule an appointment one who's also trained in marriage counseling) and ask her if she would like to come along. If she says no, that's fine but then go by yourself. Wait a few weeks and invite her again..

 

She is not dealing with her emotional problems and has gone haywire. You have become her emotional punching bag because she KNOWS you are the only one that would never leave her. She's so confident in this, that she is telling you to find someone else.. only because she knows you won't. She's also laying all the blame on you with the abortion and that is not fair. Don't let her lay blanket statements on you just so that she can relieve her guilt.

[Gunny376]

My call is MLC (Mid life Crsis) and WWW (Walk Away Wife) Syndrone.

 

Ref: Anything posted by UKSurfer

[jesse james]

My call is MLC (Mid life Crsis) and WWW (Walk Away Wife) Syndrone.

 

• When she told me that she was leaving, she said it was a huge load off her chest and she was sick of feeling guilty all the time.
  
• When she left, said to me that she did not want the house and did not want to take me for all I had. The following week she said to me and the children that we could stay in the house until the children leave home to go to university. A week later, she said that she does not want anything from the house. A week later, she said what furniture she wants. She wants a little house, with an open fire and asked me to provide her with firewood. I said that I would not have any to give her.
  
• She said that she was going to tell me earlier in the year, but with our daughters and her birthday in January and our sons in May, mine in July, she kept putting it off. She wants the separation to be amicable for the sake of the children and for us to be friends, requesting for me to continue servicing her car.

• The said only reason that she went on holiday was that it was already bought and paid for. This was not true as it was only the flights that were paid; the accomodation, food, entertainment and car hire were paid whilst on holiday in Spain.
  
• When she told me that she wanted me go and have sex with someone else, I asked her if she still fancied me and she answered hesitantly no. I asked if it was because I have put on a few pounds over the years and she said that had nothing to do with it. It was because I was boring and moody.
  
• She says that I do not like techno music and dancing, whereas she does. She regularly goes out with her work friends, most are single, separated or divorced.
  
• Before she left the first time, she had wanted a new sporty car. After she eventually returned home, she had the exact car of her choice. Her style, image and dress sense is of a young attractive woman.
  
• Whenever we were out walking, she was always reluctant to hold hands and always seemed to be in a rush, walking diagonally in front of me.
  
• She always went to see her father at least one evening per week and on Sundays; he always came to our house for dinner, which I cooked. She regularly criticised for not doing enough for him. She was always rushing about and there was little or no time left for us to spend time together.
  
• One week after she left us, she started her long awaited new management placement. If she had gone completely haywire, would she be able to eat, sleep, and perform in her work, managing 25 staff?
  
• Whenever she comes to the house, or phones, she is always in a state of joy and happiness. She always tells me about her work and the long hours she is working.
  
• My friends say that her joy is about leaving her past life and her prospects for the future. Why should she be at all sad or bothered, when she was now got what she has actually wanted? She may be going through a mid life crisis, where the grass is always seen to be greener on the other side of the fence. She is at a crossroads in her life. The children will soon be leaving home to go to university. I guess she wants to experience more of life, whilst she is still young and attractive. Last Tuesday, we separated all our joint bank accounts and credit cards.
  
• I really do want to try anything and everything to save our marriage, but the reality is that she had already moved on emotionally before she physically left home and I feel she will not agree to any counselling.

[jmargel]

Then you need to let go. She hasn't gotten even near rock-bottom and until she does she's going to be living the life in her fantasy world. It will crash, give it weeks, months or years. It takes two to make a relationship work and she doesn't want to work at it. It's not beecause of you, even though she might try to tell you that & think that, but it's really about her.. Her lack of maturity and the ability to deal with problems in the right way.

 

Best thing you can say to her now is: 'You know I love you, but I can't live this type of life. I am moving on and I really wish the best for you. If you ever decide that you want to work things out let me know. Maybe by chance it won't be too late if you decide to try again.'

 

Then just walk away and hope for the best.

[Ladyjane14]

It really sounds like you've handled things in the best possible way so far, Jesse.

 

The only thought I have for you is this: Your wife is still fulfilling some of her ENs (emotional needs) at your expense. You share a history and family life, which she hasn't been required to give up in order to get what she says she wants. She's still feeding her own needs for continuity, conversation and acceptance, but offering nothing of substance in return.

 

I think you might want to explore how you really feel about that.

[jesse james]

Thank you all very much for your kind advice. My wife is a very strong and determined woman, who is has always had what ever she wanted, whenever she wanted it, on her own terms. Over the years, she has bee totally spoilt.

 

For some time she has been living in a single career woman fantasy world, that by working very long hours, she is absolutely indispensable to the business and her perception of this exciting life is what she has chosen in preference to her family. She could have had both her career and her family. Now, she feels that she really can have the best of both worlds and is having her cake and eating it. She really cannot see what she is doing to herself and our family that love and care for her.

 

I guess that she is in the honeymoon period of her new single life and although she has denied that she has ever physically been with anyone else, there may be a developing emotional extra marital relationship. I think that because she is saying that she will be happy living on her own, she is attempting to reduce her guilt for what may be a developing relationship and for the pain and distress she has caused to our entire family. She is a very attractive desirable woman and I am sure that men will be giving her lots of attention.

 

I am a quiet compliant person, who does not expect or demand much from life and have always put the best interests of our family above my own feelings, never saying no to anything. I now realise that my wife has seen this as a sign of weakness, which has contributed to her loss of respect and love.[/FONT]

[silentalways]

"I am a quiet compliant person, who does not expect or demand much from life and have always put the best interests of our family above my own feelings, never saying no to anything. I now realise that my wife has seen this as a sign of weakness, which has contributed to her loss of respect and love"

 

u are joking right? someone actally told u that she views that as a weakness? come on. wow! i am speechless.

[ilmw]

"I am a quiet compliant person, who does not expect or demand much from life and have always put the best interests of our family above my own feelings, never saying no to anything. I now realise that my wife has seen this as a sign of weakness, which has contributed to her loss of respect and love"

 

u are joking right? someone actally told u that she views that as a weakness? come on. wow! i am speechless.

 

I am not saying it is a sign of weakness.. because I don't know all the detail... but, some people (woman) who are caitered to.. the old "yes dear, what ever you would like dear".... and never saying no... could be interpreted as a little subservient.. If you never stand up to someone... how could they respect you...?

 

Some woman like a man to take charge once an awhile... without being a overbearing know it all..

[jesse james]

Hi Guys, thank you for your advice.

I am feeling sick with all the distress and worry. When she finished work this evening, without any notice, she called again at the house with some more groceries and asked: if I wanted her to buy the turkey and some extra groceries for Christmas as I'm coming here. I just said no there is no need. She had originally asked if her father could come also, but now he is going to a sons house.

She then brought her mug of tea into the lounge and we sat alone on the sofa, chatting for an hour. I let her make all the conversation and tried not appear keen, but I did not say anything about councilling. Whenever she visits, she only sees the children briefly when she arrives and when she goes. I really miss her, and love her calling, but each time she leaves, it makes it all the more tormenting.

[Sup]

You may wanna contact a lawyer now to make sure you get the house and children, when the time of divorce comes up, she'll turn on everything she said, and leave you out in the cold, PROTECT YOURSELF NOW MAN!