STILL hanging around

[cat]

a couple weeks ago i posted a letter called "do i have a chance" about my ex and how we still spend a lot of time together and about how he's making on effort to see me, etc. etc. (it's still there, read up on the soap opera that is my life if you're interested)

 

well. we STILL see each other a lot-- TOO MUCH for people who are not together. we do things in a foursome with this other couple we were friendly with. we are always out at the same places with our friends. i feel like i am torturing myself by doing these things, but somehow i think we're on the road to getting back together.....

 

the thing is, i feel trapped in this horrible limbo. we get along GREAT and always have a good time. i feel frustrated because there's a wall up between us, like we can't venture to a more serious level of relating b/c it would be inappropriate or whatever-- i don't know why. i guess that connection is reserved for people who are together or who have never dated. so i feel this pressure to be "on" all the time when i am with him. every time i go home after having seen him i feel sad and frustrated because i can't be as close to him as i want. i got some bad news earlier in the week and he's the only one i wanted to call-- i didn't, of course, because i am not sure what the boundaries of our friendship are and i don't want to make things too intense. but that left me feeling more lonely than before.

 

on a side note, i saw him last night and i could barely look at/talk to him because i am SO SICK of being phony and hiding my feelings. and of course, i went home upset.

 

SOMEHOW i got roped in to going somewhere for a weekend (in two weeks from now) with him and that other couple. i asked him if he thought it was at all strange and he got all weird and stammered that no, everything was okay from his end (liar). when i put myself out there and said i wasn't comfortable, i hit a brick wall. i can't imagine how frustrating it will be to go on this trip. on the other hand, maybe, just maybe, we'll get back together.

 

is there any hope for us to a) get back together, or b) at least have a decent friendship? should i just cut him off so i can heal? cutting him of would involve cutting a lot of other people off as well.

 

i hate having this friendship solely on his terms. i feel like our relationship was also on his terms. argh.

[befuddled]

I would strongly suggest that you cut your losses ASAP.

 

I had a very similar situation... I was with someone for about 4 years and we broke up. Well we lived together and had joint bills and furniture.

 

After we split up, we remained "friends". We continued living together and carrying on as if we never broke up... but there was no sex, or physical sexual contact at all. That aspect of the relationship was OVER. We were very good friends and got along great!!!

 

I of course kept thinking we were on the road to getting back together. At around 6 months I helped him find an apt. and he moved out. Well, this did not change the amount of time spent... we would continue to sleep at each others house and hang out all the time... still no physical contact (say yeah right all you want, but it's true).

 

About a year after we broke up I realized that I put my life on hold, hoping we'd get back together... When reality came crashing down on me... I hurt MORE than when we broke up. I decided to cut all ties with him. I told him that our actions were hindering us from moving on. How could I get a b/f or him a g/f if he's sleeping at my place and I his??? This was not healthy!!!

 

We both agreed no to pop over to the others place without it being announced first, no more spending the night all of it was ended at that point.

 

Well... he got a new girlfriend and last I heard he's living with her. I stopped talking to our mutual friends (the ones I met through him).

 

If it's meant to be it will be!!! Maybe right now is not the time for you and him. But you are torturing your self! You are sitting waiting for him, you are not living your life, you've put your life on hold for him... and it's NOT worth it.

 

I learned from my mistake... and I'd suggest that you do yourself a favor and NOT go on this trip, and just walk away. Maybe at that point he'll realize that he wants you back and can't live without you...

 

If you love something set it free... if it comes back, it's yours... if not it was never yours to begin with. I'm sorry this may not be the advice or answer you were looking for.

 

Best wishes

[cat]

don't worry, actually, this is exactly the reply i expected. i know what i should do. it makes me ill to think about it but it makes me equally ill to think of staying in this situation. what makes me most ill of all is to think of him with someone else, which is inevitable if we don't get back together. i think that would be way more painful for me if i were still hanging around as a friend than if i had moved on with my life....

 

i know what i should do, i just can't seem to let go of hope and find the strength to do it.

[befuddled]

Look I know the thought and Idea of him being with another is excruciating agony... I felt the exact same way!!! Believe me I did, I would get myself all worked up anticipating the news.

 

Then one day (mind you I was not and am probably still not over him) I thought to myself that if he just got a girlfriend that would end it for me... I would know without a doubt that he'd moved on with his life and did not want to get back with me.

 

That day came, I took it better than I expected... but it was still painful. It did however give me enough to move on with my life. I've actually some how managed to remain in (very rare) contact with him via e-mail. Of course I still love him dearly, I want the best for him, I still think about any fun times we had... this is all normal. But my life is no longer on hold... nor am I sitting here waiting for him to come back to me or wondering if he met someone...

 

A very big part of me thinks that had I just walked away, cut all ties with him and moved on (when we broke up) things would have turned out differently. But no sense in thinking about all that... cause I can't go back in time. I'm almost willing to put some $ on it... that if you really nicely let him know that you need to get on with your life and seeing him and spending time with him is hindering you from doing that... you'll be out on your own for a few months before he comes back to you. By that time you may really not want him back... it's strange how this stuff works.

 

I'd cancel that trip for starters... you can have a sane rational chat with him letting him know that this is not fair to either of you so you are ending it here and how!

 

Please keep us posted!