Long Distance Arguing Matches?

[Lostgurl]

I'm soo frustrated... Everything was going sooo good between us. Now everything is falling apart. I know that half of it is my fault... But once we start arguing over IM again, i can't help but say what's on my mind.

 

He's controlling. For some reason he doesn't want me to have friends over on weekends. Or for that matter go out with friends either, for which reason i don't know... It could be:

 

a) He doesn't want me to have people over because he wants me to be alone with him on weekends when we can stay up late and chat alone. this was his first excuse.

 

b) I went out with my boss and a few co-workers, we had an awesome time, and stayed out a little tooo late. I didn't go home at the regular time we chat and missed him.

 

After that happened he was upset that i left the dog alone..... But it always comes down to the same thing. It's like because he doesn't have a social life where he is, he expects me to not have one either

 

c) or he just doesn't trust me and thinks i'll meet someone new or cheat. He said when he left, that i'm going to meet someone new. I told him that i was insulted by the comment.

 

Blah.. I don't know. After that issue, it's like we are both defensive all the time... i resent him for trying to keep me locked in my home. So when a cold or negative comment arises, i don't ignore it, or cheer him up, my attitude is bring it on! I hate it! I can't stop myself, i see my self typing these things i know are going to make the whole situation worse, but i end up hitting enter anyway..

 

I don't know how much longer we'll last... He never sent me a morning IM today. It's the first time he hasn't since he left.

[Pyro]

I'm soo frustrated... Everything was going sooo good between us. Now everything is falling apart. I know that half of it is my fault... But once we start arguing over IM again, i can't help but say what's on my mind.

 

He's controlling. For some reason he doesn't want me to have friends over on weekends. Or for that matter go out with friends either, for which reason i don't know... It could be:

 

a) He doesn't want me to have people over because he wants me to be alone with him on weekends when we can stay up late and chat alone. this was his first excuse.

 

b) I went out with my boss and a few co-workers, we had an awesome time, and stayed out a little tooo late. I didn't go home at the regular time we chat and missed him.

 

After that happened he was upset that i left the dog alone..... But it always comes down to the same thing. It's like because he doesn't have a social life where he is, he expects me to not have one either

 

c) or he just doesn't trust me and thinks i'll meet someone new or cheat. He said when he left, that i'm going to meet someone new. I told him that i was insulted by the comment.

 

Blah.. I don't know. After that issue, it's like we are both defensive all the time... i resent him for trying to keep me locked in my home. So when a cold or negative comment arises, i don't ignore it, or cheer him up, my attitude is bring it on! I hate it! I can't stop myself, i see my self typing these things i know are going to make the whole situation worse, but i end up hitting enter anyway..

 

I don't know how much longer we'll last... He never sent me a morning IM today. It's the first time he hasn't since he left.

 

I think that his attitude is pretty much because of insecurities. That is what makes a LDR difficult.

 

How long have you two been together?

[Guest]

Trust is critical in relationships to begin with. In LDRs it is vital.

[Lostgurl]

I think that his attitude is pretty much because of insecurities. That is what makes a LDR difficult.

 

How long have you two been together?

 

Hi Riddler

 

We've lived together for 2 years, and had some difficulties along the way, he moved across the country 2 monthes ago after a break up. He's always talked about our whole little family moving elsewhere together though. He's always hated this town, but he stayed here for two years for me until he couldn't take it anymore.

 

I am supposed to move down to where he is in April, but i seriously don't know if we can make it that long the way things are going .

 

 

 

Lost

[Pyro]

Hi Riddler

 

We've lived together for 2 years, and had some difficulties along the way, he moved across the country 2 monthes ago after a break up. He's always talked about our whole little family moving elsewhere together though. He's always hated this town, but he stayed here for two years for me until he couldn't take it anymore.

 

I am supposed to move down to where he is in April, but i seriously don't know if we can make it that long the way things are going .

 

Lost

 

From the sounds of it, he is having trust issues with you, since you two are a ways apart. Maybe his insecurities will decrease greatly when/if you two were to move in together, but who knows? Has he always been insecure/untrusting in the way that he is acting now?

[Lostgurl]

From the sounds of it, he is having trust issues with you, since you two are a ways apart. Maybe his insecurities will decrease greatly when/if you two were to move in together, but who knows? Has he always been insecure/untrusting in the way that he is acting now?

 

Well, he's a very jealous person. I wasn't allowed to go to the bar when we were living together, and certainly am not allowed now. He says he knows that i won't cheat on him, but he can't stand the thought of some other man looking at me, or thinking they can have me.... This didn't bother me all that much because he would never go either. His view on them are "they only exist to pick up woman, i've found the woman i want to spend the rest of my life with, so i refuse to go to bars anymore"

 

He thinks that if i get to loaded one night that i'll make a mistake that we won't be able to turn back from... But the thing is, i would NEVER put my self in that setting because he means way to much to me, and i would die if i ever hurt is heart..

 

He thinks it's a possiblity and if scares the bejesus out of him. Never the less, i find myself resenting him because now i feel guilty when i have friends over and can't have a good time... I always have the thought of his disapproval and unhappiness about my actions in the back of my mind. What irks me even more, is that i've lived in this town all my life, i am best friends with my brothers and sister, and all the friends i have here i am soo close to and love dearly. He doesn't understand that i am leaving behind the only life i've ever known to start a new one with him.. But he still expects me to stay at home, alone and watch a dog that i am going to give up anyway... I want to spend time with all the people i love before i move to be with him, is that really asking too much?

 

Then when i am chatting with him, this sack of resentment explodes at the smallest saracstic comment. We are both scorpios and are both very stubborn. So when one doesn't give in, the other doesn't want to either. We are very much alike and this puts a big strain on our relationship when times are tough.

 

I just wish i could find a solution that I, myself could apply you know? Instead of just going on like this and praying that it doesn't come to an end. I hope that when i go down to visit at xmas it will strengthen our bond. Because i really don't want this relationship to end. We complete eachother... Like he once said "Our relationship is very tumultuous, but it's still a great thing"

 

Lost

[Pyro]

Well, he's a very jealous person. I wasn't allowed to go to the bar when we were living together, and certainly am not allowed now. He says he knows that i won't cheat on him, but he can't stand the thought of some other man looking at me, or thinking they can have me.... This didn't bother me all that much because he would never go either. His view on them are "they only exist to pick up woman, i've found the woman i want to spend the rest of my life with, so i refuse to go to bars anymore"

 

He thinks that if i get to loaded one night that i'll make a mistake that we won't be able to turn back from... But the thing is, i would NEVER put my self in that setting because he means way to much to me, and i would die if i ever hurt is heart..

 

He thinks it's a possiblity and if scares the bejesus out of him. Never the less, i find myself resenting him because now i feel guilty when i have friends over and can't have a good time... I always have the thought of his disapproval and unhappiness about my actions in the back of my mind. What irks me even more, is that i've lived in this town all my life, i am best friends with my brothers and sister, and all the friends i have here i am soo close to and love dearly. He doesn't understand that i am leaving behind the only life i've ever known to start a new one with him.. But he still expects me to stay at home, alone and watch a dog that i am going to give up anyway... I want to spend time with all the people i love before i move to be with him, is that really asking too much?

 

Then when i am chatting with him, this sack of resentment explodes at the smallest saracstic comment. We are both scorpios and are both very stubborn. So when one doesn't give in, the other doesn't want to either. We are very much alike and this puts a big strain on our relationship when times are tough.

 

I just wish i could find a solution that I, myself could apply you know? Instead of just going on like this and praying that it doesn't come to an end. I hope that when i go down to visit at xmas it will strengthen our bond. Because i really don't want this relationship to end. We complete eachother... Like he once said "Our relationship is very tumultuous, but it's still a great thing"

 

Lost

 

Sounds like alot of bad qualities in this guy. You are telling me that you can't live your life the way you see fit because he is scared that you will get too drunk and cheat on him? The guy has some insecurity issues, plus usually two stubborn people will not have a healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship, you don't put rules on the other spouse. That is just plain wrong. I am not sure what you want to hear Lostgurl but this guy has a few issues that he needs to work on, otherwise I feel that you will end up resenting yourself if you stay with him. The way things are going, unfortunately I see only bad things to come in the future.

[Lostgurl]

Sounds like alot of bad qualities in this guy. You are telling me that you can't live your life the way you see fit because he is scared that you will get too drunk and cheat on him? The guy has some insecurity issues, plus usually two stubborn people will not have a healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship, you don't put rules on the other spouse. That is just plain wrong. I am not sure what you want to hear Lostgurl but this guy has a few issues that he needs to work on, otherwise I feel that you will end up resenting yourself if you stay with him. The way things are going, unfortunately I see only bad things to come in the future.

 

I know that he has a few bad qualities, but he also has alot of good ones too... And Yeah Riddler, sadly to say that he is trying to have his way, by having me stay home so he won't worry that i might screw up. I have told him that i will have friends over when i want to because i need to make some memories here before i leave everyone. He said that he doesn't like the fact of me having friends over soo much but he'll deal with it anyway. But his disapproval inhibits be from really enjoying myself.

 

I think that your right Riddler, i feel that things aren't going all that well, and they could get alot worse before they get better.. Or we will just fall apart. I guess i just have to let it all come to fruition. I will not let him control me in regards to spending time with my friends before i go (if i go), but i will honour my word about the bar as i always have.. I guess that when i do have my get togethers i just have to not let his disapproval bother me so much and maybe it will clear up my resentment alittle, thus cooling down our arguements.

 

Its worth a try... anything is worth a try

 

Thanks for listening Riddler

[Pyro]

I know that he has a few bad qualities, but he also has alot of good ones too... And Yeah Riddler, sadly to say that he is trying to have his way, by having me stay home so he won't worry that i might screw up. I have told him that i will have friends over when i want to because i need to make some memories here before i leave everyone. He said that he doesn't like the fact of me having friends over soo much but he'll deal with it anyway. But his disapproval inhibits be from really enjoying myself.

 

I think that your right Riddler, i feel that things aren't going all that well, and they could get alot worse before they get better.. Or we will just fall apart. I guess i just have to let it all come to fruition. I will not let him control me in regards to spending time with my friends before i go (if i go), but i will honour my word about the bar as i always have.. I guess that when i do have my get togethers i just have to not let his disapproval bother me so much and maybe it will clear up my resentment alittle, thus cooling down our arguements.

 

Its worth a try... anything is worth a try

 

Thanks for listening Riddler

 

Your welcome.

 

I still don't think that its right to have to have rules put on you. He has no right to tell you that you are not allowed to have your friends over. That ticks me off even more that he prevents you from having a good time. Call me crazy but I thought that a BF or GF was suppose to make you feel good.

 

I still don't agree about the bar rule. Unless you have gotten yourself into trouble in the past as a result of something happening at a bar, then I can see where he is coming from, but just out of jealousy and insecurities? Not cool. My psycho ex did that to me and I was naive enough to put up with it. Not calling you anything here Lostgurl, but that was me.

 

But the decision is yours and if you think that its worth working on, then I have faith in you, but he really does need to work on his jealousy/insecurity issues. Try giving him a hand.

[Lostgurl]

Your welcome.

 

I still don't think that its right to have to have rules put on you. He has no right to tell you that you are not allowed to have your friends over. That ticks me off even more that he prevents you from having a good time. Call me crazy but I thought that a BF or GF was suppose to make you feel good.

 

I know, that is why i've been so resentful and haven't done my usual things when something touchy is said , i am just cold right back ya know? But maybe if i try this approach, i won't resent him so much. I have my doubts about it though, because how can you not care about your SO's approval/disapproval?? Never the less... its worth a shot.

 

I still don't agree about the bar rule. Unless you have gotten yourself into trouble in the past as a result of something happening at a bar, then I can see where he is coming from, but just out of jealousy and insecurities? Not cool. My psycho ex did that to me and I was naive enough to put up with it. Not calling you anything here Lostgurl, but that was me.

 

No, i have never cheated on him, i've never done anything to make him feel this way towards me. But actually, to be honest, it doesn't bother me at all. I would rather stay at home listen to my own tunes with my own friends and play on my own pool table. And I know you weren't calling me anything , But to be honest, i am PRETTY damn naive sometimes lol.

 

But the decision is yours and if you think that its worth working on, then I have faith in you, but he really does need to work on his jealousy/insecurity issues. Try giving him a hand.

 

Thanks Riddler, that means alot! I do think it's worth it... I can't imagine being with anyone else. So i'll give it my best, see if we can hang in there until Christmas and hopefully our visit will strengthen any weak areas in our relationship.

 

I will also help him with his insecurities and jealous and possessive nature. But to be honest, I don't have a clue on how to go about that. Because i don't hide anything from him, i'm as honest as i can possibly be and i am constantly telling him what he means to me, how drop dead sexy he is lol, is there anything else i could do, other than giving in to what he wants?

 

Lost

[Pyro]

Thanks Riddler, that means alot! I do think it's worth it... I can't imagine being with anyone else. So i'll give it my best, see if we can hang in there until Christmas and hopefully our visit will strengthen any weak areas in our relationship.

 

I will also help him with his insecurities and jealous and possessive nature. But to be honest, I don't have a clue on how to go about that. Because i don't hide anything from him, i'm as honest as i can possibly be and i am constantly telling him what he means to me, how drop dead sexy he is lol, is there anything else i could do, other than giving in to what he wants?

 

Lost

 

I'm not sure what else can be done to help him with his problem. You are doing everything right in terms of a GF. This is something that perhaps he needs to realize is a problem and is something that does bother you. For a healthy relationship, a couple will sit and discuss an issue and compromise in some way. I feel as though you have compromised enough. You stopped going out to bars for him, now I feel he must compromise and not make it an issue when you have friends over.

 

I hope that things do work out for the best but if he can't change these negative qualities............

[Lostgurl]

Well we had a long talk on the phone lastnight, and it turns out that he doesn't want me to have friends over so much because he sees that i'm enjoying myself here without him.

 

He's scared that i will change my mind about moving there to be with him. I can understand how he's feeling, but he's doing what he gets soooo fuming mad at me countless times before. He's doubting me and my love for him.....

 

I guess, the only thing that i can do is prove it to him in the end, that regardless of how i am making new friendships and rekindling all my old ones since he's been gone, that i'll indeed move to be with him...

 

Lost.

[Pyro]

Well we had a long talk on the phone lastnight, and it turns out that he doesn't want me to have friends over so much because he sees that i'm enjoying myself here without him.

 

He's scared that i will change my mind about moving there to be with him. I can understand how he's feeling, but he's doing what he gets soooo fuming mad at me countless times before. He's doubting me and my love for him.....

 

I guess, the only thing that i can do is prove it to him in the end, that regardless of how i am making new friendships and rekindling all my old ones since he's been gone, that i'll indeed move to be with him...

 

Lost.

 

Thats all fine and dandy that he is worried that you won't want to leave, but its unacceptable for him to ruin your good time because of his insecurities. That is an immature move on his part. You just continue living your life. He is the one that needs to prove something. He needs to prove that he trusts you and respects your interests. I'm sorry, but IMHO, preventing your SO from having a good time just beacsue of your insecurities is not right. You guys have been together for a couple of years and he still feels this way?

[Lostgurl]

Thats all fine and dandy that he is worried that you won't want to leave, but its unacceptable for him to ruin your good time because of his insecurities. That is an immature move on his part. You just continue living your life. He is the one that needs to prove something. He needs to prove that he trusts you and respects your interests. I'm sorry, but IMHO, preventing your SO from having a good time just beacsue of your insecurities is not right. You guys have been together for a couple of years and he still feels this way?

 

I know Riddler, you are right... I have already decided to do what i please and if he can't accept it then well? Its his problem!

 

I have let him control me while he was here, and i really didn't mind to tell you the truth... I am hopelessly in love with him despite all the bad things in our past, and while in his presence i was just a mushy mess . But now that he isn't here, i see that what kind of control he has (had) over me.... I think he doesn't trust me because of the way our relationship started... But he left me first in the beginning.

 

But the point is, is that now! I KNOW that i own his heart and he should know that he owns mine completely also. I know that if i let him get away with these things while he's miles away, then he will be ALOT more controlling after i am moved over there and away from my family... I'll have no one to defend me but myself, and i need to start now, rather than when i get there, otherwise, our relationship will never last.

 

Lost

[Pyro]

I know Riddler, you are right... I have already decided to do what i please and if he can't accept it then well? Its his problem!

 

I have let him control me while he was here, and i really didn't mind to tell you the truth... I am hopelessly in love with him despite all the bad things in our past, and while in his presence i was just a mushy mess . But now that he isn't here, i see that what kind of control he has (had) over me.... I think he doesn't trust me because of the way our relationship started... But he left me first in the beginning.

 

But the point is, is that now! I KNOW that i own his heart and he should know that he owns mine completely also. I know that if i let him get away with these things while he's miles away, then he will be ALOT more controlling after i am moved over there and away from my family... I'll have no one to defend me but myself, and i need to start now, rather than when i get there, otherwise, our relationship will never last.

Lost

 

I let my psycho ex control me, so there is nothing to be ashamed of. We all live and learn from our mistakes.

 

Look at what I put in bold. You are absolutely correct on that. You need to stand up for yourself now, or else it will get much worse.

[Lostgurl]

I let my psycho ex control me, so there is nothing to be ashamed of. We all live and learn from our mistakes.

 

Look at what I put in bold. You are absolutely correct on that. You need to stand up for yourself now, or else it will get much worse.

 

You sound like such a good man Riddler, who ever is by your side is very lucky to have you!

 

I know what i have to do with him... When he was living with me, i let him do what ever he wanted, granted, he only did one or two things i EVER totally disapproved of, that i seriously still shake my head at. I know that he feels remorse for what he did, it's not like he takes it with a grain of salt. But they were the 2 incidents that finally ended us and now he's across the country...

 

Regardless....

 

I am going to live my own life while i am here..... This is important enough to me to risk losing him, risking his disapproval (god that sounds sooo wrong!) to Love the moments that i have with my family and friends before i go.... He is my life now... well... at least i want him to be. But my brothers and sister and friends have been my WHOLE life... i have never left them, i've stayed in this town because of my mom and dad, sister and brothers, i will not put them on the back step to please him or ease his insecurities.... My poor mother is still in denial about us moving...

 

I lost touch with all my friends when we were living together, it was ALWAYS just me and him at home... or his male friends coming over ya know? BUT i didn't mind that either because i was good friends with his friends also... We all had good laughs together. But never the less, i was never separated from him until he left...

[Pyro]

You sound like such a good man Riddler, who ever is by your side is very lucky to have you!

 

Thanks LG. I didn't get to where I am overnight.

 

I know what i have to do with him... When he was living with me, i let him do what ever he wanted, granted, he only did one or two things i EVER totally disapproved of, that i seriously still shake my head at. I know that he feels remorse for what he did, it's not like he takes it with a grain of salt. But they were the 2 incidents that finally ended us and now he's across the country...

 

Regardless....

 

I am going to live my own life while i am here..... This is important enough to me to risk losing him, risking his disapproval (god that sounds sooo wrong!) to Love the moments that i have with my family and friends before i go.... He is my life now... well... at least i want him to be. But my brothers and sister and friends have been my WHOLE life... i have never left them, i've stayed in this town because of my mom and dad, sister and brothers, i will not put them on the back step to please him or ease his insecurities.... My poor mother is still in denial about us moving...

 

I lost touch with all my friends when we were living together, it was ALWAYS just me and him at home... or his male friends coming over ya know? BUT i didn't mind that either because i was good friends with his friends also... We all had good laughs together. But never the less, i was never separated from him until he left...

 

You must have your own seperate life from him. You can't rely on one other person or live your life through one other person. Relationships are never a guarantee. If he truly loves you and respects you, then he will realize just how irrational he is being. Any guy, or gal that will break up with you because you have your own life is not much of a prize.

[InsanityImpaired]

Don't put up with behavior like that. Because you are in a relationship, it does not mean he owns you, and gets to decide what you are allowed to do. If he wants that, he should get a goldfish or something like that. If he is this controlling from a great distance, chances are that it will get worse, when you would be living with him again.

 

The relationship ended before. There must have been some reason why it ended. What has changed since then? Are you certain that the past causes have been addressed?

 

I lost touch with all my friends when we were living together, it was ALWAYS just me and him at home... or his male friends coming over ya know?

Curious. Why did you lose touch with all your friends, but did his friends come over?

[Lostgurl]

Thanks LG. I didn't get to where I am overnight.

 

 

 

You must have your own seperate life from him. You can't rely on one other person or live your life through one other person. Relationships are never a guarantee. If he truly loves you and respects you, then he will realize just how irrational he is being. Any guy, or gal that will break up with you because you have your own life is not much of a prize.

 

Hi Riddler,

 

I know, and I agree with you 100%. I am willing to take this risk. There was a time when i wouldn't dream of risking my relationship with him ever.. I was so commited to him i was probably came out looking clingy . But you are absolutely right, if he loves and respects me, then he will realize what mistakes he's making. But i know it won't happen without a fight.

 

Lost

[Lostgurl]

Don't put up with behavior like that. Because you are in a relationship, it does not mean he owns you, and gets to decide what you are allowed to do. If he wants that, he should get a goldfish or something like that. If he is this controlling from a great distance, chances are that it will get worse, when you would be living with him again.

 

No, no i think you misunderstood me here. I didn't say that he owns me, but i said that he owns my heart. I know that his possesivness is alitte extreme right now. I have stood my ground and told him that i will continue to have friends and family over when ever i please. He said he'd try to deal with it, and he'd never mention it again. So i think that is taken care of.

 

The relationship ended before. There must have been some reason why it ended. What has changed since then? Are you certain that the past causes have been addressed?

 

Yes, they have been addressed and taken care of...

 

Curious. Why did you lose touch with all your friends, but did his friends come over?

 

It's just the way things happened. Like i said, we were ALWAYS home and we enjoyed being home it's not like i couldn't have friends over... I just lost touch with them, because everything was about him and the kids. There were different circumstances with all of them it seems. As to why they were never over while we were together. It doesn't matter anyway, it really don't think it's an issue.

[Pyro]

Hi Riddler,

 

I know, and I agree with you 100%. I am willing to take this risk. There was a time when i wouldn't dream of risking my relationship with him ever.. I was so commited to him i was probably came out looking clingy . But you are absolutely right, if he loves and respects me, then he will realize what mistakes he's making. But i know it won't happen without a fight.

 

Lost

 

Some things are worth fighting for in life. You two have been together for a while, but I really think that work needs to be done on his insecurities. There is really not much that can be done right now since you two live so far apart, but when you move in with him, I highly suggest the two of you work on his insecurities, or like I said, it will only get worse. I am happy to hear that you got past the clingy stage with him.