Insanity paranoia

[Guest]

Hi,

 

My wife and I have been married for 16 years and have three children. We separated a couple of years back to try and sort ‘us’ out.

We were having problems, but I thought separation is a bit severe.

A single visit (on her own) to a counsellor, then she wants a separation? WTF? After a while, I agreed to it – was for the best, or was it? Looking back on that time now, it has raised more problems that it solved.

It made me quite paranoid – but this was mainly when I was on my own – when we were together, everything seemed fine.

 

A couple of months after the separation we reconnected again. A short time after that, we were back having sex and it was better than before – maybe a bit animal, new positions and more aggression. Didn’t think much of that until one day (while feeling paranoid) I went looking on the net for signs of cheating. She seemed to have half of the top ten.

As time went by I started to ask if she was cheating. No she replied, and wasn’t too happy that I should need to ask.

 

This caused a few hassles for a while, but we did work through them. After 7 months of being separated we got back together – things were looking up. But 12 months after getting back together, the wheels were close to falling off – again. Should have known better, people don’t change that quick. I just happened to have a look at her phone for no real reason, and there were all these ‘no numbers’ on it. I asked about them – it’s the guys at work calling, or a consultant. Fair enough. But they kept on coming, sometimes two or more a day. I started noting the times – funny how they always seem to know to ring when I’m not around. This was really startin to screw with my mind. Not only that, it was starting to put even more distance between us. We had fallen back to where we were before separation.

 

I started to believe that something was going on behind my back, but there was just no way I could find to prove anything. Back at the start of this year we went to a ‘beach party’, lots of people, drink, music, dancing. We went along with friends. Later into the evening we somehow lost each other and I decided to go back to camp alone. Was pissed with the way the whole thing turned out. I had a fair bit to drink so I probably wasn’t thinking real straight. The day after we didn’t say much – didn’t want to make a scene when friends are around.

 

A day or so later I noticed a bruise on her inner thigh – how did you get that, I asked. She didn’t know how that got there – I saw red. Once we got home I demanded to know what was going on, I asked her on several occasions - she had a different answer everytime I asked! And she wonders why I’m like I am!!! She accuses ME of not trusting her- well that is one thing we do agree on.

 

After a time I managed to focus on other things, until I saw that f***** phone with more of those no numbers. By this time I’m thinking I’m going insane. Every time I question, she got an answer- a logical explanation. We go round n round in circles with this.

 

Whenever she says she is going off on a walk, the phone goes too. But when I do the snoop thing, there is never anything

To suggest something is going on. Being prepaid I can’t check numbers, but a couple of months ago I found out she had to top up her credit a couple of times in one month when it normally lasted for four or five.

Fast forward to now – I’m thinking I need to get help before I lose my sanity.

 

I suggested to wife (after our latest fight) we need counselling. She said she has this on that day & something on another day – WTF? At one point she said ‘we are getting on fine- I’m making the most of what we’ve got’. You have got to be joking. I’m thinking – ‘yeah you have OM filling the voids that I do not, and between me/him you are doing fine’. So I guess by thinking that, this mess is really my fault. But I still don’t really know – AND IT’S DRIVING ME CRAZY!

 

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this – AND my heart goes out to those who find themselves in a similar position. Any thoughts, comments welcome.

[Sup]

She's screwing around on ya for sure, Divorce her, and see how FAST she comes around! Only thing is, just Divorce her and don't turn back on your decision, talk to a lawyer and protect yourself first, then do it.

[JackJack]

Well sounds like something is up for sure, and with the breaking up and getting back together over and over, I'm sure is not healthy and draining emotionally, and physically as well. I think you need to weigh your options and see what it is you feel in your gut you need to do.

[Kinger25]

I'm afraid I tend to agree with the others. From what you have said, it definitely seems as though something is going on.

 

I really do detest mobile phones sometimes. I know they have their uses but my god, so many affairs are initiated and carried through via text messages and phonecalls. I would be suspicious if my BF kept having "No Number" calls and messages on his phone, so I dont think you are being totally paranoid and insane.

 

The thing is, and please forgive me if I sound a little pre-conceived here, but there is obviously no trust in your relationship any more. At least from your part anyway. Trust is the main ingredient in any relationship and if you are questioning the trust then you are questioning your whole relationship anyway. There is no way that you can live your life like you are, you will drive yourself to an early grave with all the worry and stress.

 

At the end of the day you should not have been going through your wifes phone in the first place. When you are already quite paranoid and insecure you tend to read too much into situations and can sometimes create issues that are not necessarily there.

 

I think that you are your Wife need to make a joint decision about either moving forward together or moving on from each other. Personally, by the sounds of it, I think your relationship has run its course and it maybe time to let go.

[Guest]

Thanks for those thoughts. Yes, trust is a real issue in this relationship. Did I ever really have it? One of the things she said as we were separating was ‘Don’t want the kids experiencing the unhappiness between us’. Fair comment I thought. And with effort, the home has been a happy place for the kids, but at what cost. Personally, I feel like I’ve got a brick in my belly. As posters have noted – not healthy. Is she cheating? Part of me would like to believe that she isn’t.

After finding what I thought was quite damning evidence, in think I went into denial. I even found myself reaching out more to her. That lead to sex – and with how it was, I thought there is no way she is cheating. Perhaps the other guy is a dud in the sack! OMG can’t believe I am actually writing this stuff.

Then I start thinking – get paranoid (again) – have to know the truth – go snooping. That quest for the truth, it is like an addiction. I then start thinking yes, she is – she says NO I’m not. You’re right Kinger25, cheating or not, some tough decisions are ahead. This relationship is draining. Bring on 2007, this year has been crap.

[Guest]

Hello,

 

I completely understand what your going through. I feel the same way in my relationship and it does completely drive me insane. Bruises? Yes my girlfriend gets that **** as well. The other night we were trying to get it on and her phone rang. It was late and I reached to answer it. After she finished talking to her girlfriend she flipped out on me and was like "Don't ever answer my phone!" WOW! And she even says **** like "Make the most of what you have" I obsess about things like this just as much as you and if it makes you feel better things like this aren't just only happening to you. Maybe tell that wife of yours to take a lie detector test? Thats the only thing I feel would shut me up and end all the accusations? Hang in there.

[Kinger25]

I dont necessarily agree with the Lie Detector thing. Come on guest, you two are married, there has to be some element of trust somewhere deep in the depths of your soul.

 

I had a similar situation with my BF a while ago. He had been acting a little cold and distant towards me and I checked HIS phone one night. I'll tell you something, I will NEVER EVER snoop through his phone again because I found a text message and phone calls to a girl that he was mad for before we met. The content of the message was not too sinister but a little innapproprate considering that he was meant to be MY boyfriend. Anyway, I went beserk at 1am in the morning, packed all my stuff up and was just about to walk when he woke up and it all came out. I told him I had checked his phone and that I was NOT going to be walked all over and made a fool out of and that he was a liar and a cheat blah blah blah. Anyway, to cut a long story short, he wasn't and isn't cheating on me. He never would. Deep down I knew that. But I read too much into something that wasn't there and made a mountain out of a mole hill. It nearly cost me my relationship and I am lucky that my BF and I managed to work things out.

 

What I am really trying to say guest is that snooping is very dangerous ground. I've definitely learnt my lesson. Yes, it is addictive, but its not healthy. Think about it ...... You are looking through your Wifes phone etc BECAUSE you think that she is cheating on you. Meaning that you are in effect WANTING to find some incriminating evidence that she is being unfaithful because otherwise, you wouldn't be looking in the first place. You are being extremely destructive and destruction breaks hearts, ususally your own.

 

At the end of the day, if your wife is cheating on you, you WILL find out eventually. I know that sounds very flippant, but you have your suspisions so you are not exactly walking around with rose tinted glasses on thinking everything is fine. If she is sneaking around behind your back then you will know. You are sensitive to this issue anyway so you are without fail going to notice if she behaves strangely or in any way that might suggest infidelity.

 

That does not mean to say that you should continue to worry about it all of the time. You are less likely to find out the truth with your state of mind how it is at the moment. If you just relax a little bit and calm down then you will think much more clearly and rationally and the truth will shine through for you. Take this from someone who knows.

 

Hard as it may be. Try and ENJOY the company of your wife, without thinking about her being with someone else. You need to make a concerted to make your marriage work. Its got to be teamwork and a little bit of give and take.

 

The truth can never be disguised for long.

[Guest]

My Intuition says something is up – there is something in her actions that unsettle me. With the phone thing (being what I think as overly possessive of it) the no- numbers, it is hard not to think something is going on. I wanted to find stronger evidence or have my fears put to rest. And my fears have not been put to rest. The bruise thing – could be quite innocent. If it was, one straight answer, and that would have been the end of it. When we lost each other at that party, why didn’t she stay where I’d left her - I was coming back in five minutes. She had a few differing answers as to where she went. First she said she was waiting back at the tables. The next time she said she was at the playground with our daughter – now that was a careless answer! I had to point out that the kids had walked back to camp around 9pm. It was more like 11pm when we lost each other.

 

And to be honest, I think I’m in damage control, I mean, I’m preparing for the fall. If I were the perfect H, fully trusting her, only to find out that she is cheating, I feel that, that scenario would be much more soul destroying than where I am now.

 

Interesting thought – the lie detector test – if only – but she wouldn’t agree to it. She would fire up, just like the other times, how could I possibly think that……and so on it goes.

 

The other day she said she had this mark on her breast, something had got down inside her bra and caused this chaffing?? I didn’t say a thing, BUT I THOUGHT IT!

 

There are times when I think, just go with the flow, you’re being paranoid. I then get to a stage where I find I’m saying to myself, there is nothing at all going on. Then something like what I have said above happens - and it has continued to happen for over a year now.

 

With others saying they are going through similar things, well at least I know I’m not alone. I think our next step is counseling – Hope Kinger25 is right about the truth can never be disguised for long. Our relationship will not go

Anywhere with things the way they are at this time.