Long But I seriously need some1 2 listen

[greyskies]

I feel like such a loser. I am so worthless it isnt funny. My daughter wont hardly talk to me I am a hermit in my room I quit going to work and I started using again. I turned my back on myself and my loved ones for a man. If thats what you would call someone like him. I think he works as a personal advocate for satan. I started dating him like 5 months ago and I was working, sober and happy. He was in a relationship at the time. And failed to mention this to me. Talked about her in ex girlfriend terms. But never said he was still seeing her.

 

I am 43 he is 44 and she is 55. I was swept off my feet by him in the worst way. I say this because he was never really kind to me or never had he taken me anywhere but to a motel and to score drugs. I didnt want to use but he would be soooo nice to me if I had some drugs and totally evil if I didnt. So I spent every dime I made getting drugs so he would come and get me and take me to a motel.

 

 

I truly in my heart felt love for him I think? What could it be if I felt like I was going to die the day I caught him in the same motel we went to with his ex? But I kept going back, kept calling him and telling him I scored the bomb. And when I would do this he would come a running. Once we got to the room he would be like this sh*t better be good. And I would get all scared because no matter what the stuff was like he would alwasy say it was trash after it was gone. He would smoke most of it up while I performed oral on him. Then he would just start accusing me of having someone come there to kick his ass.

 

He would call me things like a stupid bitch and a priec of **** and I would be crying and saying Im sorry. And to please not be mad at me. But he would just get meaner and meaner. He would make me go get some different stuff and tell me dont come back to the room unless it was good. While I would be gone he would call his ex up and she would come to the room I believe and have sex with him. He always made me call before I came back. He would be freshly showered when I returned. But a women knows when another women has been in a room with their man I do anyway.

 

This is making my stomach hurt. Anyway, I would say who came here when I was gone? He would say shut the F up and give me the dope. I would be like F you who was here and it would just turn into this freaking crazy ass fighting. He would say the most cruel stuff to me and make me feel like crap and before I knew it I would be on my knees begging him not to leave and I was sorry. I would like lay on the bed and think what in the hell am I doing? And if I dared shed one tear he would cuss me one side of the room to the other.

 

Then I would fall asleep and wake up to him holding me very tightly in his arms kissing me and saying Im sorry and I love you. And we would make love so beautifully. And fall asleep in each others arms. The minute we would get up he would start being mean again. I would get dropped off at home and would start trying to find more drugs so he would come back after work.

 

Well last night he called me and said Im with Diana tonight dont call my phone UNDERSTAND!! I was like WTF why would you call me and say that to me. I hate him so much but yet a sick part of me wants to be with him still. Why would I want someone that treats me so badly. It makes me sick the things Ive lost and the thing that Ive become since I met him and I feel like I want to just end it all. I have ended up hurting my daughter shes 20. And my best friend and family. Because I have done nothing but focus on him.

 

 

How did this man get me to allow him to do this to me? I dont know. What I do know is that it is making me sick to my stomach to sit here and wish he would call me. I feel like I am all the awful things he said I was. I must be to want to be with him although he treats me like that? What am I going to do you guys? how am I going to stop my heart from hurting and wanting to see him??

[Guest]

I feel like such a loser. I am so worthless it isnt funny. My daughter wont hardly talk to me I am a hermit in my room I quit going to work and I started using again. I turned my back on myself and my loved ones for a man. If thats what you would call someone like him. I think he works as a personal advocate for satan. I started dating him like 5 months ago and I was working, sober and happy. He was in a relationship at the time. And failed to mention this to me. Talked about her in ex girlfriend terms. But never said he was still seeing her.

 

I am 43 he is 44 and she is 55. I was swept off my feet by him in the worst way. I say this because he was never really kind to me or never had he taken me anywhere but to a motel and to score drugs. I didnt want to use but he would be soooo nice to me if I had some drugs and totally evil if I didnt. So I spent every dime I made getting drugs so he would come and get me and take me to a motel.

 

 

I truly in my heart felt love for him I think? What could it be if I felt like I was going to die the day I caught him in the same motel we went to with his ex? But I kept going back, kept calling him and telling him I scored the bomb. And when I would do this he would come a running. Once we got to the room he would be like this sh*t better be good. And I would get all scared because no matter what the stuff was like he would alwasy say it was trash after it was gone. He would smoke most of it up while I performed oral on him. Then he would just start accusing me of having someone come there to kick his ass.

 

He would call me things like a stupid bitch and a priec of **** and I would be crying and saying Im sorry. And to please not be mad at me. But he would just get meaner and meaner. He would make me go get some different stuff and tell me dont come back to the room unless it was good. While I would be gone he would call his ex up and she would come to the room I believe and have sex with him. He always made me call before I came back. He would be freshly showered when I returned. But a women knows when another women has been in a room with their man I do anyway.

 

This is making my stomach hurt. Anyway, I would say who came here when I was gone? He would say shut the F up and give me the dope. I would be like F you who was here and it would just turn into this freaking crazy ass fighting. He would say the most cruel stuff to me and make me feel like crap and before I knew it I would be on my knees begging him not to leave and I was sorry. I would like lay on the bed and think what in the hell am I doing? And if I dared shed one tear he would cuss me one side of the room to the other.

 

Then I would fall asleep and wake up to him holding me very tightly in his arms kissing me and saying Im sorry and I love you. And we would make love so beautifully. And fall asleep in each others arms. The minute we would get up he would start being mean again. I would get dropped off at home and would start trying to find more drugs so he would come back after work.

 

Well last night he called me and said Im with Diana tonight dont call my phone UNDERSTAND!! I was like WTF why would you call me and say that to me. I hate him so much but yet a sick part of me wants to be with him still. Why would I want someone that treats me so badly. It makes me sick the things Ive lost and the thing that Ive become since I met him and I feel like I want to just end it all. I have ended up hurting my daughter shes 20. And my best friend and family. Because I have done nothing but focus on him.

 

 

How did this man get me to allow him to do this to me? I dont know. What I do know is that it is making me sick to my stomach to sit here and wish he would call me. I feel like I am all the awful things he said I was. I must be to want to be with him although he treats me like that? What am I going to do you guys? how am I going to stop my heart from hurting and wanting to see him??

 

 

YOU NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS PLAYER IMMEDIATELY - STOP WASTING YOUR LIFE - GET HELP FROM A PROFESSIONAL - USE THE MONEY ON YOURSELF INSTEAD OF DRUGS FOR YOUR ADDICT - ONE DAY YOU COULD FIND YOURSELF BUSTED - SAVE YOURSELF NOW -

 

This is how you go into your mess - read all links on this Thread -

For victims : Understanding Abuse

 

You know the truth - get away while you can and stand up for yourself - nobody else will - just do it. NOW! I speak from experience - save yourself - there is too much to enjoy in life and learn to be a little selfish and get someone who adores you instead of this disaster of a person - you are wasting your time and life - take care of your daughter - SHE NEEDS YOU!

[CardPlay3r]

Wow, that is so messed up...he is clearly abusing you emotionally and verbally. I think you definitely should read these articles to help you understand your situation :

 

http://www.drjoecarver.com/articles_loser.html

http://www.drjoecarver.com/articles_stockholm.html

 

As you'll see from there, you are the poster child for abuse victims, it's a normal reaction to being abused by someone you love.

 

I know it's hard but you really need to leave, there is no other option...he is NOT going to change and things will only get worse.

 

Bare in mind you are not only destroying your life, but your daughter's life as well. She will grow up with who knows how many issues that stem from being in a disfunctional family, and very likely will grow to really hate you get your life back ASAP.

[whichwayisup]

Ask for help, please! At one time not so long ago you were sober, working and happy. You have a daughter who loves you (but she isn't going to support you while you're doing drugs) and she WILL help you get out of this mess. Talk to your extended family, sister's, brothers, aunts, uncles! Let them help you through this!

 

Talk to a therapist, get clean again. You have to do this for yourself otherwise your life is going downhill.......

 

This man, he is POISON to you! Get him OUT of your life, he brings NO good whatsoever.

[greyskies]

I see whats going on now but I still cant stop the feeling of wanting to see him. This sucks!. BTW how come my posts never hit the public forums? I always get one or two replys from all my posts and never see them actually posted.? And that sucks because I would like to hear other peoles opinions too:mad:

[greyskies]

Ur right whichway. I just got off work and got paid and went to the store and bought him a card and a gift. He asked me to call him when I got home so I did. And he said Im busy. I feel so retarded. I want to hate him so badly but I cant I am sick of this and I cant help myself! But thanks for all of your advice. Im thinking the only cure 4 me is to die. I just cant stand the way I feel anymore!

[bonehead]

Ur right whichway. I just got off work and got paid and went to the store and bought him a card and a gift. He asked me to call him when I got home so I did. And he said Im busy. I feel so retarded. I want to hate him so badly but I cant I am sick of this and I cant help myself! But thanks for all of your advice. Im thinking the only cure 4 me is to die. I just cant stand the way I feel anymore!

 

Yuo need to get help now. If not for you for your daughter.

 

1-800-273-TALK (8255).

[whichwayisup]

You need to register your username, make sure your email addy is valid and click on the registration link. Check your junk folder, that email from LS could have gone there.

[CardPlay3r]

Taking the step to leave is the hardest, but it all gets easier after that.

 

I think you're more addicted to him, a sort of stockholm syndrome than real love, and after a few months of therapy you can get over him.

 

You really should be in counselling tho...but you must stop being with him ASAP, think about your daughter!

[greyskies]

Taking the step to leave is the hardest, but it all gets easier after that.

 

I think you're more addicted to him, a sort of Stockholm syndrome than real love, and after a few months of therapy you can get over him.

 

You really should be in counseling tho...but you must stop being with him ASAP, think about your daughter!

 

 

Well yesterday I was here at home and he came over to visit me and talk. He was like a completely different person. He even took me out for some drinks and we really had a good time. We stayed at my place instead of getting a room. He was so funny and was very affectionate. He told me he wanted to give us a chance and he would be faithful to me.

 

He stayed most of the day and then he said he was going to get his truck smogged. And I was feeling pretty good about it. He really made me believe he wanted to try making it work. Well his phone is off again and he isn't at home. So my guess he is with That girl again at a motel.

 

Why and how can he be so charming and yet so low down and dirty at the same time? I pray to God I can be strong enough to tell him to kiss my arse!!

[CardPlay3r]

That's a classic pattern greyskies, the "sweet and sour cycle". If someone was mean and aggressive 24/7 you wouldn't be with them at all...so he is sweet at times to get you hooked, then shows his true face...then another few hours/days of being all mr. nice guy and you start thinking "well it's not all bad, he can be nice maybe it's my fault when he gets mean" etc.

 

I really think you should read the articles I posted above...doesn't seem like you have I'll post them again :

 

http://www.drjoecarver.com/articles_loser.html

http://www.drjoecarver.com/articles_stockholm.html

 

They are self explanatory...take 20 minutes to read them...all the answers are there

[ahsumgurl909]

you can help it your in love

[Guest]

YOU DESERVE BETTER! Love is not ''go get me some drugs bitch''!!! Love is not cheating on you while you are out looking for stuff for HIM!!! You said it yourself, you don't like doing drugs!!! This man does not deserve you! You seem like a very generous person. You would do anything for someone you love...He would'nt do the same for you...

 

Focus on the positive stuff in your life like your daughter, family and friends.

 

All you have to do is say NO to him. Only NO!! You do not need this mean man in your life. You need love and support.

 

I know you might feel lonely without him...but that is TEMPORARY!!! Give yourself time! You will fall out of love for him when you realize that YOU DO NOT NEED THAT IN YOUR LIFE!!!

 

Good luck! Life is beautifull when it is filled with nice things!