Does he care about me at all?

[JaimeLynn1980]

Hi. I've been off & on with this guy that plays with my emotions. He's been in an abusive relatioship with this one woman for 4 yrs., who beats him, cheats on him, prohibits him to have any relationships outside herself, (Friends, family) black mails him, & uses her child to her advantage.

 

She is very dangerous, & very manipulative. She has caused a lot of pain on Bryan, & he has several emotional problems. He's very suicidal, feels bad about himself, he let's her do this stuff to her, but he claims he loves her daughter so much, (She cheated on him, had the kid, & he thought it was his, raising it for 8 mths.) & he just doesn't know what to do; he can't manage to leave her.

 

Well, when he's not with her, he's always hanging out with me, & I've told him that I've cared about him, & he insists on how anyone can, & he refuses to commit to me, but he still gets jealous when other guys hit on me, or when I talk about other guys, & we do sleep with each other, he always wants to be with me, etc. We were in a relationship, he just couldn't bring himself to admit it.

 

He has told me that he doesn't want to be in another relationship, then there are times, when he's been away from Jean for awhile, he begins to open up; more comfortable with the idea, & we grow even closer, then she calls him, & it's back to the beginning. He sometimes jokes around with me, & he says things that hurt, & he says that it's just joking, but I've told him that it hurts, & he lays off for awhile, then goes right back to it.

 

Sometimes, I feel as if he gets off on hurting me at times; like he gets some power trip from it, & thrives on hearing me care about him. Why would he do that? He keeps going back to Jean, which hurts me really badly, & he's done a few things that have really hurt me. In the beginning, he was crazy about me, & I didn't like him, but as soon as I showed that I cared, he started to push me away, & get kind of cruel, but at the same time; he wasn't. He just appeared confused, & when I'd mention a commitment, it would really bother him, & he would say that he was really screwed up in the head, & he couldn't handle on right now due to Jean, & how she has made him feel.

 

There are times when he has cried, & told me that he thinks I'm such a sweet girl, & he says, "I hope you know that I didn't mean the stuff I've done. I'm just screwed up, I'm so screwed up, I don't know what to do." I've been the best healer imaginable to him, & as he knows me more, & more, he opens up more & more. And in the beginning, he never told me in any way that he cared about me, drunk, or sober, just push me away, till recently, he told me that he loved me when he had been drinking; he straight out said it at a party, then one time in my room, saying if anything happened to you, or me, I want you to know I love you.

 

Well, then he turns around & hurts me; & just recently, Jean found out that we were 'friends' & has threatened me, & tells Bryan not to go anywhere near me. He's scared to death of her, so he listens to her. Well, I'm sick of waiting on him, & I want to end it completely; make him choose between her, & I. He's also a bad alcoholic, & I just wish he'd get some help before he lets Jean completely destroy him. Why does she treat him this way? Does she really love him? I think he's got a codependency problem, & I'm just giving up on trying on him.

 

I've given him more love than anyone, & all he can do, is hurt me. The question I have, is does he really love me? Does he care about me at all? Why would he want to be with her? How should I go about this letter, & do you think that he'll start respecting me more, & see what he lost if I toughen up, & tell him I'm not going to take this anymore?

 

I love him to death, & he is an amazing individual, he's funny, sensitive; & when he's been away from her for awhile, he starts to get a lot better; begin to enjoy life, & begin to 'commit' to me, but as soon as she comes along again, he's back to pushing me away; back to hating himself, & back to hurting me.

 

What do you think is going on? And do you think I made any impact on his life? I feel like I wasted a whole year & a half on him. I also erge him to get some help, but I don't know how to approach that. Can someone help me with these questions?

[Jenny]

This is advice from someone who has been in the relationship that your friend is.

NO!! He does not love you because he cannot love himself. He is in what is called a co-dependent relationship. Get a book and educate your self. Melanie Beattie writes alot about it. It will take him years to recover and only IF he can get away from her. Do yourself a favor and find someone who does not have this drama going on in his life. It will be a much easier and happier relationshp for you. YOU have to look after YOU!! I would run away from this man as fast as you can. It will be YEARS...of this on again off again emotional drama. Don't put yourself threw it. Help him to seek a professional councelor to help him get threw it!

[Doug]

Hello JamieLynn,

 

Bryan has a lot of problems. They are his problems, not yours. What compels you to take one these problems and make them a part of your life too?

 

I feel sorry for a lot of people in a lot of ways. I feel sorry Bryan was subjected to things during his formative years that have lead to him living in such a malformed way. I also feel sorry you have a desire to keep yourself involved with someone with so many problems. Have you ever asked yourself why, or tried to understand the reason, you are so attracted to someone like Bryan who is abusive to you and treats you just as bad as Jean treats him?

 

This is such a messed up situation. I think the best answer for you, to maintain your own sanity and dignity, is to stop seeing Bryan altogether and try to regain your self-respect and self-worth that has been eroded by repeated exposure to him.

 

I don't know why he does what he does or how he feels about you or anyone else. All I can tell you is...what you describe here...are all very unhealthy relationships. I know you feel sorry for him, but feeling sorry for him in this way and at the same time allowing yourself to be jerked around is putting yourself in the same boat and on the same level as him. He is dragging you down!

 

Get away from Bryan and don't go back. He is messed up and staying in this situation is messing you up too. It is the only thing you can do to save yourself from being taken advantage.

[JaimeLynn1980]

Yeah; I'm starting to realize things as well. Jean had him write me a letter a while ago; telling me that we weren't friends& to stay away etc, & that he loved Jean & crap. This was after she knew I was hanging out with him. They werent his words at all; but it hurt me terribly. It just hurts that after all I did for him, to think that I didn't mean anything to him, & he didn't appriciate me for me being there for him more than anyone. It makes me angry that I let him do this. Well, I saw him about a month after that; (My best friend levi is his best friend, & levi was in town) & he was kissing my ass about that letter; wanting so much for me to believe that he didn't mean the letter; Jean had him write it, whatever. Well, I got a bit tipsy, we began playng around as usual, we slept together, & he even said to me that maybe we shouldn't do this, but I told him it was okay. Well, I haven't heard from him since then; but he was so keen on getting it through to me that he didn't mean that letter. Why would he be kissing my ass about that letter if he's just going to blow me off anyway? Well, I'm thinking he wants to stay on my good side so I don't blow him off so he has his fallback; (me) but I think also he hasn't gotten a hold of me due to him being so scared of Jean finding out. Well, I'm through with his crap. I'm getting so much better; but the only thing is, I know he'll be calling me when he's upset, & needs someone to talk to when Jean breaks his heart. I have such a soft heart, I dont know what to do. How do I keep my strength when be comes all depressed to me, & how do I tell him I'm not putting up wth this crap anymore? You think he's ever going to appriciate what he had? I'm sick of his ****, & I'm moving on.. I know that all he is doing is bringing me down; but there is still so much I like about him, that it's hard. I know that saying goodbye is the best thing to do, I'm just worried I won't have the balls to tell him how it is, when he comes stumbling over to my house an emtional wreck...

[BeReal]

This guy has way too many problems to be a good partner without some serious help, work and time. You are doing the right thing in moving on. Perhaps you could write yourself a letter explaining why this relationship won't work and pointing out all his problems and bad qualities. Tell yourself that you deserve better etc. and read the letter during weak moments.

 

Maybe you could tell him that you are moving on and that you will need some time from him. Tell your close friends you are moving on and ask them to help you. I'm not sure how you can help him. I think not listening to his excuses and telling him he needs help is a start.

 

It's really hard to move on when you have feelings for someone and it may be necessary to cut him out of your life completely. Definitly cut him out if he continues to say negative things to you and be a negative influence. You don't need friends like that! He will get help in his own time and that could be 20 years from now. I think if you allow yourself to distance from him and move on, you will find you are not so attracted to him anymore.

[questionaire]

JaimeLynn1980

 

this is not certainly a good sign my friend

 

i don't know why your boyfriend keeps going back to that bad ass woman

 

he can't be that stupid.

 

IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO TAKE SOME ACTION, why?

 

if you allow him TURN ON AND OFF fun like this, trust me. YOu will be hurted.

 

BE CAREFUL. and GIVE YOURSELF 2 QUESTIONS

 

1-bye bye him

2- ask him what's up with his head ? can't make intelligence choice for his life.