Thoughts needed ilmw?

[Antha]

How long..? I guess it depends on a) how stupid he is? b) how stubourn he is? or c) or vindictive he is?

 

Now imagine you are a brick wall that is to tall to climb over... and you cannot go around.. there is not a way in to get at YOU

 

He can only run at that wall so many times before he gets in his head... that.. he can't break that wall... and he will give up.... and from what you have posted about stbxh.... he seem to be full of huff and puff... but he won't be able to blow this wall down... ...

 

You cannot damage brick with smoke and mirrors.. hot air... or BS...

 

ilmw

 

Thanks! I love metaphors and this one really helps. And Ladyjane, you are awesome. You speak the truth, even if it sucks. You are the 'reality enforcer' around here, aren't you?

[Ladyjane14]

You are the 'reality enforcer' around here, aren't you?

 

I think you've got me confused with Gunny... who I noticed telling another poster this morning she should help herself to a big ole' cup of "wake-the-hell-up".

:lmao: :lmao:

 

That guy just slays me! I don't know how some southern belle hasn't snatched him up already. The girls must be slippin' down there. They used to have game!

[Dad_of_3]

PS.... you arrange a date / place we can hook up... and we can go to see Do3 and skydive...together...

 

Ok First up, anytime ! Love to do it again ! What a rush ! Really puts you in your place when you are staring at the earth s you plummet towards it.

 

Antha, I got nothing to say than the fact that your stbxh is losing it.

He has no idea the rude awakening he has in store for him when things move on from him.

That letter he wrote, I can only say is the ramblings of a very narrow and selfish man. Still I read in his words ... ME, ME, ME, ME. Blame? YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU.

Even coming from where he was, it sickens me that some people still dont wake up. I can only offer the consolation that it will hit and when it does, its is nothing but a sense of loss and heartache. Pain as no one could have felt before. As close to a personal hell as possible.

 

Please be careful Antha. Situations change people. Money matters, using children as instruments to make their point. Its all there. It does depend on the individual.

His anger, vindictiveness, his cloud of judgement will make him a very tough customer to deal with.

You need to play this a little smater now. Till the finality of it all, play it cool and smarter.

In regards to settlement of property, assets and child support arrangements, dont let him get the up hand.

I'm not saying be callous or hurtful. Just take a open mind but definitely keep the snipers ready and in position should a issue change.

 

You got rattled when confronted with him. So what ?

The great thing is the recognition of it and the steps you are going to take against that. I love it !

Feel the fire burn inside you, hell vent it here, it doesnt matter.

But dont let him see it. As far as he is concerned he should be seeing a reasonable, confident and happy woman in charge of her and her daughters life.

 

Song time !

[Dad_of_3]

GAVIN DEGRAW LYRICS

 

"I Don't Want To Be"

 

I don't need to be anything other

Than a prison guard's son

I don't need to be anything other

Than a specialist's son

I don't have to be anyone other

Than the birth of two souls in one

Part of where I'm going, is knowing where I'm coming from

 

[Chorus:]

I don't want to be

Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

All I have to do

Is think of me and I have peace of mind

I'm tired of looking 'round rooms

Wondering what I've got to do

Or who I'm supposed to be

I don't want to be anything other than me

 

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn

I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn

I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn

Am I the only one who noticed?

I can't be the only one who's learned!

 

[Chorus]

 

Can I have everyone's attention please?

If you're not like this and that, you're gonna have to leave

I came from the mountain

The crust of creation

My whole situation-made from clay to stone

And now I'm telling everybody

 

[Chorus]

 

I don't want to be [x4]

[Antha]

Hey Do3. Will do. The ex was being civil yesterday. Found it weird, since the day before he was treating me like a bad parent (I don't think dd is as ready for potty training as he does) and said that he "stood by every word he wrote", even after he had cooled down. He started asking me questions about dd, if she ever seemed like she 'went away' in her head. I listened, but told him no, I hadn't seen any behavior like that. Eventually, he pretended that I "dragged it out of him" (I kept trying to end the convo) that he blacked out the entire day yesterday, like a drug or alcohol induced black out without the drugs or alcohol. Basically, he was trying to get me to sympathsize with him. After that, he asked if I would think about the joint custody thing at all. I flatly told him no. He then went on to say that he's looked on the Internet and that I wouldn't lose child support even if I gave him joint.

 

If you recall, his first words to me on this subject were: "I can't afford this. I think I'm going to have to have joint custody". It has ALWAYS been about the money with him. I know he's making up the 'black out' story, but if I can get that recorded on my cell phone, I will...just in case. I plan to bring the phone records and other things that are circumstancial evidence of an affair, just in case. Why? My friend told me about something called the 'Third Party Parenting' law, as in...he's not allowed to have our daughter if someone else is living with him and they are not married. If he plans to get nasty, I plan to do something about it. Basically, they don't want the 'third party' also raising this child. Plus, why would I give joint custody to him right after he told me he BLACKED OUT. He said he walked and talked, but can't remember pretty much ANY of the day. I know he made it up, but still, he thinks I believe it--what an idiot!

 

He had our daughter yesterday and when he returned her, he was still being civil. I held out my hand for her diaper bag and he didn't hand it to me. Usually, he leaves quickly...unless he has something to say, and I didn't want to argue with him in the cold about giving him custody. I said, "Are you gonna say goodbye now?" Him: "I'd really rather not...I'm trying to think of a time I could have her before this Tuesday". I looked at him, not trusting myself to say a word and when I finally got him to leave, I called to him: "Bye! See you Tuesday."

 

I keep having to remind myself that he does not get to call the shots. He didn't ASK if he could see her again before his day, he was telling again. THat's one thing he's going to have to get used to, and me. I have to remember that I TELL, not ask. Poor ex has so little money that he can afford to take B to the auto show and to a monster truck rally (more things that she wouldn't enjoy, but I would have--just to stick it to me)...he doesn't have time to see his daughter, even if he had asked, because he's too busy trying to impress his girlfriend. Whatever. Our daughter is not a consolation prize.

 

But yeah, I'm glad I at least asserted a little of more authority by telling him we'd see him Tuesday. It was Thursday night, a bit late in the week to be asking me. I can see there will be some power struggles ahead, but I'll win.

 

The other thing this shows me is that he's lying about the child support not being affected by joint (the final recommendation lady straight-up told us that this is exactly what would happen, and she works at FOC, so she'd know--she determines the amount, etc). Also, it shows me that he has been looking online...for a way to get joint. He wouldn't have been trying to be nice and ASK ME if he was having any luck on his own figuring out a way to get it.

[ilmw]

Hey Do3. Will do. The ex was being civil yesterday. Found it weird, since the day before he was treating me like a bad parent (I don't think dd is as ready for potty training as he does) and said that he "stood by every word he wrote", even after he had cooled down. He started asking me questions about dd, if she ever seemed like she 'went away' in her head. I listened, but told him no, I hadn't seen any behavior like that. Eventually, he pretended that I "dragged it out of him" (I kept trying to end the convo) that he blacked out the entire day yesterday, like a drug or alcohol induced black out without the drugs or alcohol. Basically, he was trying to get me to sympathsize with him. After that, he asked if I would think about the joint custody thing at all. I flatly told him no. He then went on to say that he's looked on the Internet and that I wouldn't lose child support even if I gave him joint.

 

If you recall, his first words to me on this subject were: "I can't afford this. I think I'm going to have to have joint custody". It has ALWAYS been about the money with him. I know he's making up the 'black out' story, but if I can get that recorded on my cell phone, I will...just in case. I plan to bring the phone records and other things that are circumstancial evidence of an affair, just in case. Why? My friend told me about something called the 'Third Party Parenting' law, as in...he's not allowed to have our daughter if someone else is living with him and they are not married. If he plans to get nasty, I plan to do something about it. Basically, they don't want the 'third party' also raising this child. Plus, why would I give joint custody to him right after he told me he BLACKED OUT. He said he walked and talked, but can't remember pretty much ANY of the day. I know he made it up, but still, he thinks I believe it--what an idiot!

 

He had our daughter yesterday and when he returned her, he was still being civil. I held out my hand for her diaper bag and he didn't hand it to me. Usually, he leaves quickly...unless he has something to say, and I didn't want to argue with him in the cold about giving him custody. I said, "Are you gonna say goodbye now?" Him: "I'd really rather not...I'm trying to think of a time I could have her before this Tuesday". I looked at him, not trusting myself to say a word and when I finally got him to leave, I called to him: "Bye! See you Tuesday."

 

I keep having to remind myself that he does not get to call the shots. He didn't ASK if he could see her again before his day, he was telling again. THat's one thing he's going to have to get used to, and me. I have to remember that I TELL, not ask. Poor ex has so little money that he can afford to take B to the auto show and to a monster truck rally (more things that she wouldn't enjoy, but I would have--just to stick it to me)...he doesn't have time to see his daughter, even if he had asked, because he's too busy trying to impress his girlfriend. Whatever. Our daughter is not a consolation prize.

 

But yeah, I'm glad I at least asserted a little of more authority by telling him we'd see him Tuesday. It was Thursday night, a bit late in the week to be asking me. I can see there will be some power struggles ahead, but I'll win.

 

The other thing this shows me is that he's lying about the child support not being affected by joint (the final recommendation lady straight-up told us that this is exactly what would happen, and she works at FOC, so she'd know--she determines the amount, etc). Also, it shows me that he has been looking online...for a way to get joint. He wouldn't have been trying to be nice and ASK ME if he was having any luck on his own figuring out a way to get it.

 

Hi Antha...

 

I forgot to say "sorry to here about your SUV"... have you got it fixed yet... ?

 

About your stbxh.... Be leary about is civil behaviour... You probably have already thought of this.. but just in case... here goes...

 

It seems to be trying different tactics on you... trying to get his way... brutish.. in one encounter.. then civil in another.. If he is a bully by nature... (does not mean it has to be physical) Him being civil should be sending up warning flares....

 

As has already been said... watch out... be careful... he may start to get dirty.... as you guys were together... you both have dirt on each other... so be mindful on that.... (unless you are the little angel I envison... )

 

Right now you are your D's anchor... here pillar of strenght...(it can work both ways... just don't let your D know that) You are here reality... You sound like a good mom... being civil on your end... helps you stay calm... and you set a good example in your daughters eyes... she sees a lady who has class....

 

Stbxh is going to do what ever... he may try and do whatever....to try and get his way... Like the Brick Wall analogy... you staying strong... will work more in your favour...

 

A wall is strong.. it also does not react or strike out... It is just there ..Steady

 

(on the other hand... if you keep banging on that wall it can come crashing down on top of you... and CRUSH you.. )

 

The longer this goes on... the longer you stand tall... the stronger that wall should become...

 

You know what... I have been going on and on about that bloody wall thingy... I forgot what else I was going to write... .... .. :lmao:

 

Take care... be strong... post soon..

 

ilmw

 

PS... I still don't like your stbxh...

[mum2three]

My H will prob demand 50/50 too. Easy for him since he is so money conscious. But he is acting just like your H. I think I get fooled for a minute by his "civilness" like he is actually trying to engage me. I had to slap myself mentally and say, he's fronting an act b/c he just cursed me out yesterday!

 

Your dtr is so lucky to have such a caring and devoted mom like you. You can't be responsible for her dad but he is still there and hopefully he'll come around once he is less bitter towards you.

[Antha]

Hey guys, thanks for your support. Your words mean more than you can know. I've, for the most part, been continuing to be the brick wall. No, I'm no angel. I am human. I have weakness, and am not always the pillar of strength, the strong woman that I want my daughter to see me as, that I want me to be...but I'm getting there.

 

He has backed off a bit since I started being more "here's the facts" with him and not taking b.s.

 

I found out from FOC that he can actually object to my having full custody at any time he wishes while she is a minor. That sucks, but I'm covering my ass there and getting an order. FoC said that if he decided to just keep her and not bring her home, they couldn't do anything for two weeks because there is no order for them to enforce, and the lady I spoke to highly suggested to get it because she sees this type of thing happen all the time and its best just to have a little "back up" should he try anything. That's not to say that I can only let him see her during these times, but if he tries to keep her from me and not bring her back home, I would have legal protection on my side and the cops would be able to come and retrieve her.

 

This week, me and dd were sick with the flu. She had stuff coming out of both ends. Got sick last Saturday, and then I caught a bit of it on Tuesday. The ex wanted to take her on Tuesday and I told him that she was far too sick to be spending a few hours with him 45 minutes from home, that she was miserable. At first he was fighting and saying that I was being unfair, but eventually he calmed down and assented that I kept her home for good reason. This wasn't a mild cold or anything minor. She was very sick, as was I. On Wednesday, he bitched and moaned that he wanted to take her early for his weekend. By this point, I was completely drained, everyone in my house had the flu, and she was on the mend.

 

I went over her condition with him, tried to get him to understand that she should stay home with me, but he, instead of listening to me decided to be defensive (as usual) and insisted that he's taken care of her when she's been sick before (one time in her life (she's almost 2) and it was minor!) and that he's her father and he knew how to take care of her. Drained as I was, and knowing I wasn't as good to her sick as a dog, I let him take her.

 

Well, he called early in the morning on Friday and asked my sister how I felt, and to call him. When I woke up, I called him. He didn't answer; I left a message. Called again an hour or two later; no answer and left a message. Finally, at 4:30pm, he calls me and asks me if I could pick her up from his house (the trailer he lives in with his gf that's about 45 minutes away). I'm feeling much healthier and have missed her, and certainly I would drive to hell and back to get her back, so I agreed.

 

My point with all this...I warned him of her having the flu. I had taken care of her from Saturday to Wednesday afternoon with her being sick and then me being sick. He has her from Wednesday afternoon and is already calling first thing Friday morning, begging me to take her back because he, his girlfriend, and his girlfriends daughter all got the flu. Ha! Gotta love my girl, my little emissary of disease! I warned him.

 

Those times I called him and he didn't answer, he was sleeping. How was he taking very good care of her, eh? Oh, right. The girlfriend, as USUAL, was taking care of her, and once his girlfriend said "Look, I'm sick now too, I've got to work, I can't take care of her" (I don't know that she said this, but I imagine that's how it went), my ex was immediately calling me up to get rid of her. He couldn't handle it. All his blowing hot air and saying what a great and capable father he was...and he couldn't deal with her for more than a day and a half. And she was MUCH better health-wise than when she was with me.

 

I'm so happy to have her back though, safe and happy (and almost 100% now) with her family. Irritated to have to drive through the snow and go on the expressway to get her, but more than willing. I missed her so much. And yeah, feeling gloat-y about baby girl infecting those a**holes with the flu.

 

Mum2three -- remember to keep slapping yourself mentally at the first sign of civility. If your H really is like mine, you need to keep your guard up and trust absolutely nothing that passes through his deceitful lips. Try to call up to mind every nasty little thing he's ever said to you before responding. Respond in a civil way, but don't forget who he is and what he's really playing at. Oh, and thanks. I'm lucky to have her too; she brings such wonder and meaning to my life.

[ilmw]

Hey guys, thanks for your support. Your words mean more than you can know. I've, for the most part, been continuing to be the brick wall. No, I'm no angel. I am human. I have weakness, and am not always the pillar of strength, the strong woman that I want my daughter to see me as, that I want me to be...but I'm getting there.

 

He has backed off a bit since I started being more "here's the facts" with him and not taking b.s.

 

I found out from FOC that he can actually object to my having full custody at any time he wishes while she is a minor. That sucks, but I'm covering my ass there and getting an order. FoC said that if he decided to just keep her and not bring her home, they couldn't do anything for two weeks because there is no order for them to enforce, and the lady I spoke to highly suggested to get it because she sees this type of thing happen all the time and its best just to have a little "back up" should he try anything. That's not to say that I can only let him see her during these times, but if he tries to keep her from me and not bring her back home, I would have legal protection on my side and the cops would be able to come and retrieve her.

 

This week, me and dd were sick with the flu. She had stuff coming out of both ends. Got sick last Saturday, and then I caught a bit of it on Tuesday. The ex wanted to take her on Tuesday and I told him that she was far too sick to be spending a few hours with him 45 minutes from home, that she was miserable. At first he was fighting and saying that I was being unfair, but eventually he calmed down and assented that I kept her home for good reason. This wasn't a mild cold or anything minor. She was very sick, as was I. On Wednesday, he bitched and moaned that he wanted to take her early for his weekend. By this point, I was completely drained, everyone in my house had the flu, and she was on the mend.

 

I went over her condition with him, tried to get him to understand that she should stay home with me, but he, instead of listening to me decided to be defensive (as usual) and insisted that he's taken care of her when she's been sick before (one time in her life (she's almost 2) and it was minor!) and that he's her father and he knew how to take care of her. Drained as I was, and knowing I wasn't as good to her sick as a dog, I let him take her.

 

Well, he called early in the morning on Friday and asked my sister how I felt, and to call him. When I woke up, I called him. He didn't answer; I left a message. Called again an hour or two later; no answer and left a message. Finally, at 4:30pm, he calls me and asks me if I could pick her up from his house (the trailer he lives in with his gf that's about 45 minutes away). I'm feeling much healthier and have missed her, and certainly I would drive to hell and back to get her back, so I agreed.

 

My point with all this...I warned him of her having the flu. I had taken care of her from Saturday to Wednesday afternoon with her being sick and then me being sick. He has her from Wednesday afternoon and is already calling first thing Friday morning, begging me to take her back because he, his girlfriend, and his girlfriends daughter all got the flu. Ha! Gotta love my girl, my little emissary of disease! I warned him.

 

Those times I called him and he didn't answer, he was sleeping. How was he taking very good care of her, eh? Oh, right. The girlfriend, as USUAL, was taking care of her, and once his girlfriend said "Look, I'm sick now too, I've got to work, I can't take care of her" (I don't know that she said this, but I imagine that's how it went), my ex was immediately calling me up to get rid of her. He couldn't handle it. All his blowing hot air and saying what a great and capable father he was...and he couldn't deal with her for more than a day and a half. And she was MUCH better health-wise than when she was with me.

 

I'm so happy to have her back though, safe and happy (and almost 100% now) with her family. Irritated to have to drive through the snow and go on the expressway to get her, but more than willing. I missed her so much. And yeah, feeling gloat-y about baby girl infecting those a**holes with the flu.

 

Mum2three -- remember to keep slapping yourself mentally at the first sign of civility. If your H really is like mine, you need to keep your guard up and trust absolutely nothing that passes through his deceitful lips. Try to call up to mind every nasty little thing he's ever said to you before responding. Respond in a civil way, but don't forget who he is and what he's really playing at. Oh, and thanks. I'm lucky to have her too; she brings such wonder and meaning to my life.

 

Hi Antha... glad to hear your little one is on the mend How are you now??

 

Read through your last post... and "surprise"... I see even more similarities with your stbxh, and my s/son's dad. In fact you could be actually writing about him.... as he has pulled the same thing in the past...

 

As I said before.... I don't know your stbxh... but from your posts...he exhibits many of the characteristics I can't abide by... So many men just spout a bunch of "cr*p" talk the talk... but will not walk the walk.... when things get tough... they get 'agoing'...

 

You are showing much strength.... which I admire... The longer you keep this stand... the weaker he will become... in his stance.. and in your eyes...

 

Also... it is a very good idea regarding the 'legal' custody order. For both you and stbxh... it protects your child.. and both your interests. It also can give you some peace of mind. Knowing he can't get away with what ever he feels like.

 

My DW went through some real cr*p with my s/son's father... he tried to pull lots of stunts... and games. He did this up until he had his arse in court.... No more games.

 

But... now he has his licence suspended for not paying child support... which was not really a concern... but.. you would have thought... he would care enough... to want to support his own child.. (Nice)...

 

I am not trying to concern you.. but ... as I said before.... there are so many similarities ...

 

Stay strong... Antha :bunny:

ilmw