Thoughts needed ilmw?

[Antha]

Hey guys. I don't plan on doing anything with the a*hole secretary. I've just got too much on my plate as it is.

 

I have recommitted myself, yet again, to moving on with my life. I called J the other day and he was Christmas shopping (again) with his "close friend", B. For about 15 minutes, I had to listen to them banter back and forth as they shopped. Their conversation sounded like what J and I used to sound like. I asked him later if he was romantically in love with her (again) and he said he was. I asked (yes, I did) who he loved more and he said: "Can't compare. It's like apples and oranges". I'm PISSED. WTF was he thinking talking to me about reconciling and then saying he's in love with his "roommate"?!?!

 

J was supposed to have dd for Christmas Eve and me have her on Christmas. Well, I have a family party to go to on Christmas Eve. I asked if he wanted to bring her home on Christmas morning instead of 7pm on Christmas eve because my party goes to about 9pm. Well, he decided to drop her off at 4:30 pm instead of later that night or on Christmas morning. Why, you might ask?

 

Right...after J does the family thing at his mom's house, he's inviting a bunch of his bar friends over to his and B's double-wide trailer to drink and party. Yeah...he's stopping in on the holidays to show dd off to his family and show what a "great father" he is, then dump her off so that he can drink yet again. Every holiday (or weekend) is just another f'ing excuse to drink and party with his friends. He'd rather hang out with his friends and get totally plastered than spend time with his daughter. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.

 

When she is older, maybe he won't be as selfish. She'll look hurt and ask him why he would choose drinking himself into a stupor with his lame friends or spending time with her. I hate that it seems like he wants to possess our daughter, rather than be a father. She is not just some pretty, precocious trophy to be pulled out in front of family--he is her FATHER and he should be one. Why can't he ever just put her first?? I've given up thinking he'll ever consider me first...but his own daughter? DD doesn't deserve this; J doesn't see anything wrong with 'ditching' his daughter to hang out with B and his friends and drink.

 

Oh yeah, he doesn't want her anywhere near him on New Years, either. Yeah...he and B and his friends have plans to drink until they puke at the bar because that's what 'cool people' with 'friends' do. I hate what he has become. Narcissistic, egotistical, arrogant, selfish piece of self-aggrandizing CRAP! Have I mentioned I hate him?

 

More than anything...I am so very disappointed in him. This is not the man I knew when I was 14, or 21, or even at 23. This man is the total opposite of the man I knew, except that he still retains the ability to be a good debater and is still good at persuading people that he is a nice guy. How does he go from zero to jackass in 0.3 seconds like that?!?! He really wasn't like this at all before...but the man I knew really and truly doesn't exist. It's like J killed that person and only this alter-ego still exists. This alter-ego sometimes convinces me that the old J is still alive in there...but he is not. He is gone and that man that I loved with all my heart has been consumed by this evil man that now stands before me. I hate this man with the intensity of a thousand suns.

 

Why can't he just be a decent human being? Why can't he just recognize when he is being selfish...or just think of our daughter before himself sometimes? I thought being a parent brought out the more generous parts of ourselves, but in his case, it's the exact opposite. Having a child made him selfish. It's not dd's fault, but the responsibility of a child made him do a complete 180 and become completely self-absorbed with his own life and his own problems and what he wants and what HE needs...

 

Some days I wish so much that he wasn't her father, not unless he can live up to that title. He thinks he is a 'recreational drinker', that just because he is not alone in the dark drinking, that he is not an alcoholic. He is rapidly becoming one. My own father was an alcoholic, and because of that, he died when he and I were very young. I've always felt jipped of my father because he died when I was only 8. I have barely any memories of him and sometimes I resent him for not drinking for my sake. With my dad, he did have some understandable reasons. He didn't drink to be cool with his friends. He drank because he lost his first wife to breast cancer and had to raise 7 young kids on his own, and his childhood was a very bad one. He was not a drunk...but he did depend on alcohol to function and he died because of it. I know J's liver is not going to decay overnight, but I see his actions and I know that soon he will have to admit that he WON'T stop drinking.

 

That's another that I hate about the fake friends and B that he chose over me: they encourage him to act like a f'king frat boy instead of respecting that he is 25, has a wife and young child and he needs to act accordingly, not go out drinking every single weekend. I hate that none of these people he chose over me would be there for him if someone he loved died or if he was in the hospital. These people would so quickly turn their back on him and go back to their drinking and partying...and he gave up the one person that would always have his back and be there for him and support him through good times and bad. How can anyone be that STUPID?

 

Even now, I would be there for J if he needed me. Despite everything he's done, I wouldn't hesitate.

 

I've recommitted myself to forgetting about him and accepting that I cannot change him back into the loving, caring man he once was. He doesn't see anything wrong with who he is and how he lives his life. He will never change because he has absolutely no desire to.

 

I can wish in one hand and ***** in the other--guess which one is going to fill up first? J was once good enough for me, but he no longer is. I require someone with some substance, someone who loves me for me and is not easily swayed by the opinions of others, someone who likes the same movies and me, and if not, will watch them with me anyway because he wants to be with me. Someone who can compromise where necessary. If only that person were here now. I had that person once, but he is gone.

 

I don't want a new father for my child; I just want someone who appreciates and loves me, flaws and all, who respects me and is open and honest and caring. Basically, I just want a nice guy who's not going to turn into a sadistic a*hole any time he can't handle his problems. Now...where do you find one of those?

 

Anyway, I'm writing out my goal (Get Over J) and then writing out the steps to make that happen. That's how I accomplished what I have in such a short amount of time and on low emotional and physical energy.

 

Very tired. Hope you guys all have a good Christmas. Try not to be depressed. I'm trying my damndest not too and to just enjoy and appreciate the wonderful people that are worthy of being a part of my life.

[Dad_of_3]

Makes me really sad when I read posts like these. Just makes everything in my own life and everyone on here so real.

 

Antha, its tough this time of year, no bones about that. Especially with everything going on in your life. Geeeez I want to say sorry for what your going through. I can only image to a extent what it is your going through, some of it akin to what I'm experiencing but I feel the hurt and pain you're feeling. Been there and in some ways still there.

 

In these times, J and youself, will need to be flexible with dd's arrangements. I know it would have worked out nicer if he was able to to take dd for Chrissy eve and then have her back on Christmas morning. It goes to show, he really is still in the whole 'me' stage. There is no cure for that unfortunately, except for the harsh dose of reality that will come. Try not to sweat it and take it in stride. It is cutting it a little thin, but if you cant get a sitter, wouldnt you want to spend the night before Christmas with dd and see the twinkle in her eye and she anticipates Santa coming?

Let him have his drunken swaree, its doing nothing but hurting himself. When the liqour and money are gone, so are those friends. Only you need to know of his selfishness, and unfortunately so will dd. Your mission is to make sure dd feels and sees nothing but love and belief from mummy. Some guys see there children as parts of them, they are part time, no work required involved. Some of them dont know better.

My advice on this front, is to find out a way to inform him of this in a non-threatening way. When it comes to dd in these matters, try the possibility of being very 'business' like. Thats what I have had to resort to with stbxw. She hasnt liked some of things I brought up in regards to the kids, but they where needed to be said. Other than that I try and keep interaction to a mimimum now, it just isnt worth getting into the whole thing all over again, I just dont have the time and energy to waste on it.

Formalise arrangements, get a dairy and start putting it down on paper, maybe even look at the possibility of getting in a mediator to make it more real and to get some stability in dd's and your life.

 

How he's changed? How has he morphed into this creature that you cant seem to get out of your life now?

I asked the same thing just recently. Stbxw is a different person now. Very different to the person I knew, with my habits and behaviours becoming old real fast. She's done nothing to resolve them, she's going round on the same old track as far as I an see.

FlyingHigh said something to me in a similar way. hat gave me a new spin on how I viewed it.

Stbxw was mostly always like that. She always had those behaviours and parts of her personality. I couldnt see them or didnt pay them there due attention due to the "in love" factor. Once that starts to clear, you see people for who they really are. The cloud is starting to lift for you I gather, the situation is also intensifying these views of who this person really is. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he's picked up some new bad habits in his 'self-delusional' state. Whether that old J is still there or not. Thats something he will need to resolve for himself, but the side effect of that is dd and you suffer for it.

I can relate to this stage in someway, when I look back, I hate where I was and who I was. But to be standing here now, knowing what I know, it was a stage and I learnt the hard way. I'm tryng to instil some false sense of hope for you .....

 

As for how you feel for him, of course you still care for him. Of course you still love him. Its all part of the process, your still holding on my a thread and don't seem to want to let go. Its natural, don't try to reason with that too much.

Only you can chose when enough is enough. I think when the times comes you will be in the right frame of mind to do that. As for now try not to look into it to much. i.e If he came back, I'd still be here for him.

Antha, dont loose sight of your self-worth! No woman deserves to be disrespected like this. And as everyone is telling you, that is what he is doing! You are placing more importance and status on him at this time, he still is even though you have certainly mentioned that you are moving on. Don't ever loose value on yourself! You're doing it! Its not a easy road, the road is in the most messed up state, but you you're travelling it, just doing it for the sake of it.

You know you travel it for dd and yourself, and that is more powerful than anything J can put on you or yourself.

 

I know in this time, it seems that you are low on yourself. You WILL find someone. How can I say that? From the words you write, from the steps you say you take, to the person you are.

I have no doubt you will find truly worthy of you! Not all guys are a**holes. They're all over the place, and one could be right around the corner or half way around the world. You just never know.

 

One thing is I got told in IC that is still lingering in my head weeks after is simply this. Enjoy the time you have to yourself and dd, in the here and now. You know what you have to offer, the whole 'warts and all' package. it will happen again, you have alot to offer the right partner in the future. In the time between then, enjoy yourself and how great things in your life can be admist all the turmoil. People will come and go, but you won't, you're stuck with you. A partner with their act together ? Doesnt everyone want one of those?

I know I asked Santa really nicely for one of those this year. I've been bad this year but turned things around because I wanted too, for the right reasons. Santa please?

 

Anytime you want to vent or post progress, please do. Everyone is here for you and what you're going through. Highs and lows will happen, what are you going to do in between is what really matters.

 

Have a great christmas with dd and family and a safe New Year and look forward to 2007 with zeal!

[Dad_of_3]

You need a little pick me up from time to time ?

 

This is my current playlist on my ipod.

 

1. Thrice - The Artist in the Ambulance

2. Fuel - Wont Back Down

3. Linkin Park - One Step Closer

4. Three Days Grace - I Hate Everything About You

5. Linkin Park - Somewhere I Belong

6. Three Days Grace - Animal I Have Become

7. Linkin Park - In the End

8. Three Days Grace - Gone Forever

9. Simple Plan - Shut Up

10. Bon Jovi - It's My Life

11. Pink - Long Way to Happy

12. Three Days Grace - Home

13. Stephanie MacIntosh - Mistake

14. Bon Jovi - Have a Nice Day

15. Trapt - Headstrong

 

 

And when I get just a little bit down.

 

1. Lifehouse - Somewhere In Between

2. Stone Sour - Through the Glass

3. Switchfoot - This Is Your Life

 

If you get a chance to listen to them ... enjoy !

[ilmw]

I have recommitted myself, yet again, to moving on with my life. I called J the other day and he was Christmas shopping (again) with his "close friend", B. For about 15 minutes, I had to listen to them banter back and forth as they shopped. Their conversation sounded like what J and I used to sound like. I asked him later if he was romantically in love with her (again) and he said he was. I asked (yes, I did) who he loved more and he said: "Can't compare. It's like apples and oranges". I'm PISSED. WTF was he thinking talking to me about reconciling and then saying he's in love with his "roommate"?!?!

 

That had to be hard... to listen to.. (why did you do that to your self)

Why would you still talk to this 'infant'.. or more like little boy...

 

IMHO.. that conversation sounded more like preteens in grade school than adults... (sorry if that sounded harsh... but.. come on Antha).. You are better than this.. you have to believe this.... I don't even truly know you... and I already think this...

 

I know you would do whatever you could to save your relationship... but.. he is still doing the same thing... (nothing to save your marriage)

 

J was supposed to have dd for Christmas Eve and me have her on Christmas. Well, I have a family party to go to on Christmas Eve. I asked if he wanted to bring her home on Christmas morning instead of 7pm on Christmas eve because my party goes to about 9pm. Well, he decided to drop her off at 4:30 pm instead of later that night or on Christmas morning. Why, you might ask?

 

Right...after J does the family thing at his mom's house, he's inviting a bunch of his bar friends over to his and B's double-wide trailer to drink and party. Yeah...he's stopping in on the holidays to show dd off to his family and show what a "great father" he is, then dump her off so that he can drink yet again. Every holiday (or weekend) is just another f'ing excuse to drink and party with his friends. He'd rather hang out with his friends and get totally plastered than spend time with his daughter. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.

 

When she is older, maybe he won't be as selfish. She'll look hurt and ask him why he would choose drinking himself into a stupor with his lame friends or spending time with her. I hate that it seems like he wants to possess our daughter, rather than be a father. She is not just some pretty, precocious trophy to be pulled out in front of family--he is her FATHER and he should be one. Why can't he ever just put her first?? I've given up thinking he'll ever consider me first...but his own daughter? DD doesn't deserve this; J doesn't see anything wrong with 'ditching' his daughter to hang out with B and his friends and drink.

 

Oh yeah, he doesn't want her anywhere near him on New Years, either. Yeah...he and B and his friends have plans to drink until they puke at the bar because that's what 'cool people' with 'friends' do. I hate what he has become. Narcissistic, egotistical, arrogant, selfish piece of self-aggrandizing CRAP! Have I mentioned I hate him?

 

More than anything...I am so very disappointed in him. This is not the man I knew when I was 14, or 21, or even at 23. This man is the total opposite of the man I knew, except that he still retains the ability to be a good debater and is still good at persuading people that he is a nice guy. How does he go from zero to jackass in 0.3 seconds like that?!?! He really wasn't like this at all before...but the man I knew really and truly doesn't exist. It's like J killed that person and only this alter-ego still exists. This alter-ego sometimes convinces me that the old J is still alive in there...but he is not. He is gone and that man that I loved with all my heart has been consumed by this evil man that now stands before me. I hate this man with the intensity of a thousand suns.

 

Why can't he just be a decent human being? Why can't he just recognize when he is being selfish...or just think of our daughter before himself sometimes? I thought being a parent brought out the more generous parts of ourselves, but in his case, it's the exact opposite. Having a child made him selfish. It's not dd's fault, but the responsibility of a child made him do a complete 180 and become completely self-absorbed with his own life and his own problems and what he wants and what HE needs...

 

Some days I wish so much that he wasn't her father, not unless he can live up to that title. He thinks he is a 'recreational drinker', that just because he is not alone in the dark drinking, that he is not an alcoholic. He is rapidly becoming one. My own father was an alcoholic, and because of that, he died when he and I were very young. I've always felt jipped of my father because he died when I was only 8. I have barely any memories of him and sometimes I resent him for not drinking for my sake. With my dad, he did have some understandable reasons. He didn't drink to be cool with his friends. He drank because he lost his first wife to breast cancer and had to raise 7 young kids on his own, and his childhood was a very bad one. He was not a drunk...but he did depend on alcohol to function and he died because of it. I know J's liver is not going to decay overnight, but I see his actions and I know that soon he will have to admit that he WON'T stop drinking.

 

That's another that I hate about the fake friends and B that he chose over me: they encourage him to act like a f'king frat boy instead of respecting that he is 25, has a wife and young child and he needs to act accordingly, not go out drinking every single weekend. I hate that none of these people he chose over me would be there for him if someone he loved died or if he was in the hospital. These people would so quickly turn their back on him and go back to their drinking and partying...and he gave up the one person that would always have his back and be there for him and support him through good times and bad. How can anyone be that STUPID?

 

Wow... you just described my s/son's father.... ... and his first initial is 'J' aswell..

 

Everything you have said... sounds like something my DW has said in the past... about her ex...

 

Now I don't know your 'H'.. and can't say these two men are the same.. but damn... they sure are sounding the same..... and my s/son's father.... has not changed in the 8 yrs I have had to pleasure of making his aquiantance...

 

Even now, I would be there for J if he needed me. Despite everything he's done, I wouldn't hesitate.

 

Of course you feel like this.. you still love this clown...

 

I've recommitted myself to forgetting about him and accepting that I cannot change him back into the loving, caring man he once was. He doesn't see anything wrong with who he is and how he lives his life. He will never change because he has absolutely no desire to.

 

I can wish in one hand and ***** in the other--guess which one is going to fill up first? J was once good enough for me, but he no longer is. I require someone with some substance, someone who loves me for me and is not easily swayed by the opinions of others, someone who likes the same movies and me, and if not, will watch them with me anyway because he wants to be with me. Someone who can compromise where necessary. If only that person were here now. I had that person once, but he is gone.

 

Your still figuring out things..... still getting to grips with what is going on in your life...

 

Also allowing him to torment you... still

 

I don't want a new father for my child; I just want someone who appreciates and loves me, flaws and all, who respects me and is open and honest and caring. Basically, I just want a nice guy who's not going to turn into a sadistic a*hole any time he can't handle his problems. Now...where do you find one of those?

 

I like your attitude... I was never put in this postition... by my DW when we first started to date.. I became slowly over time... a father figure to my s/son... but never his father... although i did see him as my son.... and treated him as such....

 

Also... when you are truly ready.... you will find someone... who is worthy of you.... Someone who will treat you and your child right....

Now you are learning what you are worth... maybe you will see your qualities are such that... you would not want your 'H' back... because you have elevated yourself... out of his league.....

 

Anyway, I'm writing out my goal (Get Over J) and then writing out the steps to make that happen. That's how I accomplished what I have in such a short amount of time and on low emotional and physical energy.

 

Awsome... taking back the power... getting a game plan..

 

Very tired. Hope you guys all have a good Christmas. Try not to be depressed. I'm trying my damndest not too and to just enjoy and appreciate the wonderful people that are worthy of being a part of my life.

 

Smile.. you'll be ok... and do enjoy the people who are worthy...

 

Merry christmas....

[Gunny376]

Hate to be the one to break the news to you, but your married to a f**king idiot.

 

I got news that your DH can use. Its hard as in all day hard to find someone to love you. Warts, and all. Its hard to find someone that's going to put up with your day to day BS, pecualarties, etc. Let alone leave the martial home, move in with the OW, and talk and play all the BS games that the DH is playing.

 

One of the good things that I got out of my divorce was that it made me stronger. There's not a woman on the planet that I can't and won't put to the curb ~ just like taking out the trash. I've not time for games.

 

Granted I'm a retired United State Marine ~ a warrior, with a warrior's mentality. To me life is conbat ~ life is a struggle no matter who you are. It shouldn't be that way, but it is. Why? Because the world is filled with *******s, selfish people, people that thing only of and about themselves. These kinds of people really piss me off.

 

To me, marriage is an all or nothing thing. In for a penny, in for a pound. A "to the hilt of the sword" type of thing. 110% committed. "Semper Fi" Do or die! (Semper Fidelis is the Marine Corps motto, its Latin for "Always Faithful")

 

Your DH is talking all this "smack" about getting back into it, easing back into it, taking it slow. Give me a freaking break!!!! The two of you have a daughter, and have a history and have been together for years and years. If he doesn't have a clue by now, he never will.

 

Its just this plain and simple ~ either you "is" or you "ain't" Either your all "in" or your not! Its time to "man-up" and be a man! Its time to make a choice, its time to decide! Its time to "mount up" and "move out!" All of this talking, thinking, and making "woo" ain't for "****e". Your DH needs to "man-up" and walk and talk like a man. Is that hard? It can be! So what? No one was promised a Rose Garden! No one said that it was going to be easy! A walk in the park! WTF?!

 

The simple fact of the matter is, LIFE sometimes suck!

 

To give credit where credit is due, the DH is manning up when it comes to taking the "higher road" on the child support. Why is he doing it? Because he knows its the right thing to do. We all know what the right thing to do (except socialpaths). Its written upon our hearts the day we were born. We don't need a church, a Bible to know what the right thing is.

 

Next Christmas, contact your local Marine Reserve Center ~ in so far as something for the DD. When you get on your feet, and self supporting donate to the United States Marine Reserves "Toy's For Tots" program. They don't spend 70% toward "administrative" costs. They give 110% of what they take in. (110% as in, then add to what they take in and add some!! Marines are as general rule "suckers" for women, little children, the elderly, the down-trodden, the helpless, the homeless, stray dogs and cats)

 

The "social worker" I'd have her azz on a platter with a side of fries!

[ilmw]

Hate to be the one to break the news to you, but your married to a f**king idiot.

.... see antha... its becoming a consensus...

[Antha]

IMHO.. that conversation sounded more like preteens in grade school than adults...

 

It's funny that you say that because I told my sister the same thing after this conversation but it was more like "He's acting like this is high school and I'm the loser band geek and he's the popular quarterback -- this is real life. Marriage is serious...I think he's trying to re-live high school or something". J and I were never popular people in high school. Maybe with all these fake friends he's finally feeling approved of and well-liked.

 

I don't care. I'm a total geek and I like it that way. I can do whatever I want, wear whatever I want, and not care because I don't have to live up to other people's expectations of 'acceptable'. Damnit, I like Harry Potter and I will proudly wear a Harry Potter shirt. I don't care that I am 25. The people in my life know I am an Uber Dork and they accept me that way -- if they didn't, they wouldn't be a part of my life. Nobody teases me because I can't hold my alcohol. I drink a few times a year, if that. Based on my father, and my brother, I have no interest in becoming an alcoholic. Not only that, but I just can't drink that much or that often. Nobody is my circle of friends puts me down because my top score in bowling is 60 or because I don't listen to the same kind of music as the majority.

 

BTW-Dad of 3-You have got the same flavor of music taste as I. I will download...ahem, buy...those tracks and listen to them. I really liked Won't Back Down and Headstrong. I've never heard the others, but I do like a lot of Linkin Park.

 

Even though J doesn't want dd for the night, I'm happy. Everyone at the Christmas party is going to be so happy to see her. They haven't seen her since the summer. She's 20 months now. I told everyone that she wouldn't be there because J had her on Christmas Eve, and now I'm going to surprise them by showing up with her. She has a bunch of cousins, so I hope she will warm up quickly and play with them, but if she chooses to cuddle against me for awhile, that's cool with me too. She gets intimidated with a large group of unfamiliar people. She also found Santa Claus very scary at daycare when he came and just got on one of the workers laps and shut her eyes very tight until he was gone.

 

When J picked her up last night, dd was fine until he took her from my arms. Immediately, she was hysterical and crying at the top of her lungs and bending and twisting so much to get free. I put my face close to her and calmed her down with my words...then he touched her leg and she freaked out again, then I calmed her down again, stroking her cheek and such...and then he touched her again...and on and on it went like that. J was so hurt. I told him that it was more about being taken away from me than it was about going with him. We had just spent 3 hours dancing, playing, scribbling on paper, snuggling together in front of the computer and playing Christmas carols. I told him that she wasn't adverse to him, she just didn't want to be away from me. I don't think that's true, but I know how I'd feel if dd had reacted that way to me. She always has been a mommy's girl and would always prefer me to him...perhaps because he wasn't around nearly as much.

 

J got me a gift. I was surprised. We had talked about getting each other gifts and had decided against it (I was going to get him the Burger King video game with the creepy King in it). I thanked him, hugged him and told him merry Christmas, and reminded him that dd still needed dinner. I was surprised by what my gift was. It was semi-thoughtful. It was a $20 gift card to Barnes and Noble (I'm a big reader). I say 'semi' thoughtful because it is a gift card. If he really knew me well, he would have bought whatever book I'd said I wanted to read next. Anyway, I thought it was nice.

 

He mentioned later (he called; can't remember why) on the phone that he smelled Sunflower on me (it's a perfume). I told him I was surprised he remembered what Sunflower smelled like. I had put it on earlier because I had found it in my mother's house. I'd always liked it and so I put it on. I forgot that J had actually bought me that perfume and that he loved the scent of it, so when he hugged me, he said he smelled the Sunflower.

 

I've made my decision. I'm going to move on and get healthier and build my own self-esteem back up. Not only do I not need him, but I don't want a romantic relationship again. I know I've told myself this before, but this time it's going to stick. It's like quitting smoking. One of this times, it's going to happen. And this needs to be the time. I do not want to be in the third ring of hell again. I do not want him controlling me and manipulating me again. I can get along with him and play nice, but I am not going through this BS again. It's over. I haven't healed from this as much as I should have been I keep getting my hopes up and having them dashed. I keep putting myself in this position to get hurt.

 

Stbxw was mostly always like that. She always had those behaviours and parts of her personality. I couldnt see them or didnt pay them there due attention due to the "in love" factor. Once that starts to clear, you see people for who they really are. The cloud is starting to lift for you I gather, the situation is also intensifying these views of who this person really is. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he's picked up some new bad habits in his 'self-delusional' state. Whether that old J is still there or not. Thats something he will need to resolve for himself, but the side effect of that is dd and you suffer for it.

 

My family has pointed out a lot of selfish, narcisstic, and egotistical behavior of his from the past. I agree with them. There was a streak of this stuff before, only it has become magnified. It wasn't the biggest part of his personality before, and now it is the majority. Things I thought of as being "decisive" and "being a leader" were actually him being controlling. His selfish behaviors I thought of as 'occasional jerkiness'.

 

When dd was born, I had had a 26 hour labor (though none of it 'intense') and ended up having to have an emergency C-section. Afterwards, I was in a lot of pain, I was disappointed that I didn't get to have my 'rite into womanhood', that I really didn't 'work' to have dd, you know? I know it's stupid and I deserve her whether or not I gave birth to her or whether or not I had an intense "like the movies" labor to have her...but I was hormonal and that's how I felt. J had been great through most of the labor, but afterwards, he held the baby more than I got to (In fact, everyone else held her more) and didn't understand how I felt. He'd complain to our families when they visited in the hospital how the hospital staff wouldn't give him any food and how he had to sleep on that crummy pull-out chair for 4 days. If I could've moved, I would have beat him for that. I had been laid up in that hospital bed for 26 hours with 11 different things hooked into me, an oxygen mask on, thrown up numerous times, hadn't eaten all day (but still managed to throw up), went through the C-section and kept asking "Aren't I supposed to be completely numb? Why does that hurt?" and just...everything. A C-section HURTS afterwards and if I'd cough or something--Wow, MAJOR PAIN...and here he is complaining because the nurses only brought me food and he had to sleep uncomfortably in that chair, whereas I had been awake for 26 hours while he slept a good portion of that. And whatever they gave me kept me awake the 4 days I was there. When I got home, I was exhausted. He got mad at me for not getting up with the baby when she woke up. I had figured because he had slept in the hospital and I hadn't and because it was completely awful trying to get off the couch because of the C-section, that he should get up with her the first time and just let me sleep a little. Yeah, he was mad at me and didn't understand the pain I was in. I explained to him that they cut through my muscle and I was recovering well, but come on, it was very difficult to bend in any way. Almost two years later, and I am still irritated about how he reacted after the baby was born. He wouldn't help me take a shower (I was afraid of getting the staples wet or falling because of the meds and very exhausted) because he was showing off our baby to visiting family members.

 

After you give birth (or have a C-section), your body goes through hormone surges BIG-TIME. I would cry at the drop of the hat, or be so sad and desolate and not understand why. Well, J couldn't give a crap and did nothing to try to make me feel better. I wasn't "moody". I wouldn't get angry. I would just get sad. After this came Post Partum Depression...and living with his evil mother just made it all worse. J couldn't have been less concerned or understanding. I was the only one getting up with the baby, I was the only one dealing with his vicious mother. I avoided going to the bathroom because I didn't want her to stop me in the hall and start telling me what I was doing wrong and how she hates my baby's name and how I'm using the wrong fabric softener. Trust me, this woman, despite knowing my state of mind...she took advantage of the fact that she could make me cry so easily. I swear this woman got off on my pain and my tears because she would do whatever she could to hurt me. I lived in hell for the first 4 months of my dd's life...with no help, no concern, no support from my H. Okay, rant over.

 

But, BTW, my tormentor, my ex-MIL is pretty much completely blind now and cannot go to the bathroom without help and she runs out of oxygen just getting out of bed. Her health is declining and she probably won't make it another year. I know it's evil, but I believe that this her is karma. This woman wasn't just evil to me, but to everyone, including her kids. The granddaughter that J wanted to give her to "see before his mom died" cannot even see dd anymore. She only sees hazy shadows and pretty much can't leave her bed.

 

You guys have been so great. The advice (and song suggestions) are greatly appreciated. Hope you guys have a great Xmas and that your kids do too.

[ilmw]

You are sounding stronger and stronger each time you post... keep it up..

 

BTW.. nothing wrong with being a geek.... I'm into all kinds of off beat... Non cool stuff... I'm a History freak... and love SF and Fantasy..

 

I almost cried at the begining of Lord of the Rings.. and each subsequent film.... (read the books countless times)... I was so friggen happy:laugh:

 

Oh yeah.. I have the entire Harry Potter movie collection.. and have read all the books....so far...

 

I played Dungeons and Dragons as a teen... too... and would love to do it again.... ...

 

I'm a bit of a expert on Star Wars... and i have a compodium of usless facts in my brain... that make people go "WOW"... but will never make me rich.... :lmao:

 

To look at me you would never guess I am into this stuff....

 

I guess I don't look like a geek...

 

Well I am not... I just like a lot of geeky stuff... and am not afraid to admit it... unlike millions of others... who won't... but... still are... on the sly..

 

Take care Antha... be true to yourself.. (Live long and prosper) and my all time favorite.. (do or do not.. there is not try)

 

ilmw

[Antha]

You are sounding stronger and stronger each time you post... keep it up..

 

BTW.. nothing wrong with being a geek.... I'm into all kinds of off beat... Non cool stuff... I'm a History freak... and love SF and Fantasy..

 

I almost cried at the begining of Lord of the Rings.. and each subsequent film.... (read the books countless times)... I was so friggen happy:laugh:

 

Oh yeah.. I have the entire Harry Potter movie collection.. and have read all the books....so far...

 

I played Dungeons and Dragons as a teen... too... and would love to do it again.... ...

 

I'm a bit of a expert on Star Wars... and i have a compodium of usless facts in my brain... that make people go "WOW"... but will never make me rich.... :lmao:

 

To look at me you would never guess I am into this stuff....

 

I guess I don't look like a geek...

 

Well I am not... I just like a lot of geeky stuff... and am not afraid to admit it... unlike millions of others... who won't... but... still are... on the sly..

 

Take care Antha... be true to yourself.. (Live long and prosper) and my all time favorite.. (do or do not.. there is not try)

 

ilmw

 

Hah! Too funny! And yeah, I know where both are from (Star Trek/Vulcan phrase and Yoda respectively). I've read through to the Two Towers, but not further. Tolkien can be hard to read sometimes, what with all the descriptions of the landscape. I would marry Captain Picard (in his younger days on the show, that is) in a heartbeat. I love the History Channel, Discovery Channel, Discovery Health Channel (it's how I learned what a Chimera is), I like medieval fiction. I have played a variation of D&D, as well as medieval online roleplaying. We are kindred spirits!

 

Since you are an Star Wars expert, perhaps you could answer me this: are there any books not based on the films. You know, the books were written FIRST and don't just transcribe what you see in the movie? Somebody told me years ago (before Phantom Menace came out) that she had read all the books and knew what happens after Darth Vader dies and all about Leia and Han Solo's children. Was she lying, or are there really such books? You are going to hate me when I say this, but I did not like Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones was a little better, and then the final one (I should say Episode 3) was better than any of them (including A New Hope, Empire Strikes Back, etc).

[Dad_of_3]

Since you are an Star Wars expert, perhaps you could answer me this: are there any books not based on the films. You know, the books were written FIRST and don't just transcribe what you see in the movie? Somebody told me years ago (before Phantom Menace came out) that she had read all the books and knew what happens after Darth Vader dies and all about Leia and Han Solo's children. Was she lying, or are there really such books? You are going to hate me when I say this, but I did not like Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones was a little better, and then the final one (I should say Episode 3) was better than any of them (including A New Hope, Empire Strikes Back, etc).

 

STOLEN !

 

Indeed there where books on this. Han and Leia had twins went on to become powerful Jedi under the guidance of Luke Skywalker as they tried to rebuild the Jedi.

 

Gosh, dont get me started on the geekiness !

 

Much geekiness to be had during Christmas !

 

Once again ...

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL !

 

btw keep that chin up Antha

[mum2three]

Your postpartum experience really hit home for me. You have been thru alot with the birthing process. A 4 day stay is alot nowadays. It was not the delivery process that u envisioned. And no one could prepare u for the tough physical recovery and hormonal changes that accompanies this time. When u r discharged u get a prescription for pain or stool softener. The nurses ask u about feeling baby blues when u r in the hospital but u r so distracted at the time that u would not even know that u can have it.

 

I know u r thankful that u had a healthy beautiful dd. But ur issues about the difficult recovery process were never addressed. Your H did not understand what u went thru and there is resentment about that. Did u ever tell him that u needed his support? Did u feel that he empathized with your pain while recovering?

 

I know how u feel b/c I went thru some difficult times postpartum. No one explains those crazy hormonal things that make u feel anxious or sad or just not yourself. I thought i addressed this to my H (see my thread) but he did not know how to support me and it drove a deeper wedge between us. He resented me for not accepting his version of help. Though i never felt that he empathized with me and expected me to keep up with everyone. At the time when my daughter was born, my middle was 18 months, and the oldest was 3 yrs old. I was more than overwhelmed ontop of having to recover.

 

Like u, I never "got over it". The feelings of lack of support only lingered as our baby turned 1. Now my dd is 2 and here we are. I wish I can make sense of why I didn;t have his support or understand his version of it. But it doesn;t seem to matter now. He has decided that he can't do this anymore.

 

Have u addressed it in counseling?

[ilmw]

Your postpartum experience really hit home for me. You have been thru alot with the birthing process. A 4 day stay is alot nowadays. It was not the delivery process that u envisioned. And no one could prepare u for the tough physical recovery and hormonal changes that accompanies this time. When u r discharged u get a prescription for pain or stool softener. The nurses ask u about feeling baby blues when u r in the hospital but u r so distracted at the time that u would not even know that u can have it.

 

I know u r thankful that u had a healthy beautiful dd. But ur issues about the difficult recovery process were never addressed. Your H did not understand what u went thru and there is resentment about that. Did u ever tell him that u needed his support? Did u feel that he empathized with your pain while recovering?

 

I know how u feel b/c I went thru some difficult times postpartum. No one explains those crazy hormonal things that make u feel anxious or sad or just not yourself. I thought i addressed this to my H (see my thread) but he did not know how to support me and it drove a deeper wedge between us. He resented me for not accepting his version of help. Though i never felt that he empathized with me and expected me to keep up with everyone. At the time when my daughter was born, my middle was 18 months, and the oldest was 3 yrs old. I was more than overwhelmed ontop of having to recover.

 

Like u, I never "got over it". The feelings of lack of support only lingered as our baby turned 1. Now my dd is 2 and here we are. I wish I can make sense of why I didn;t have his support or understand his version of it. But it doesn;t seem to matter now. He has decided that he can't do this anymore.

 

Have u addressed it in counseling?

 

Hmmmm(scratches chin)

 

Mo3 very interesting post... ..

[Antha]

No, I have not addressed it in counseling yet, but I did tell my H about it. You hit the nail on the head: not only did he not support me, but he didn't empathsize or seem to care.

 

Dadof3 -- Is the author George Lucas or someone else? Any title for me? I can never seem to get anywhere just searching for 'Star Wars books'.

 

Sorry, short post. Must get to work.

[Dad_of_3]

I'm sure I can help out there.

 

Heir to the Empire (Star Wars: The Thrawn Trilogy, Vol. 1)

Author: Timothy Zahn

 

Books where quite good, but I'm still watching re-runs of Firefly at the moment. God thats a great show, can't believe they canned it !

 

And I finally picked up Season 5 of Angel ! Woohoo ! Was a great Christmas for me !

[Antha]

I never watched Firefly, but I did see Serenity and liked it. Hopefully, I can rent the season one of these days. Of course, watching a show you know is canceled already and didn't have a long run is a double-edged sword. If you like it, you only have one season. Thanks for the tip on the books, and I'm so happy you got Season 5 of Angel. Watch the "Angel as a puppet" episode and laugh hard for me.

 

Well, I am sure this is premature, but I joined Yahoo Personals. I thought, what the hell, you know? As it turns out, I am quite adorable and attractive to men. **blush** It's a very big ego boost. I joined about a week ago and have had about 50 replies. There are even some contenders in there. In my description (which was LENGTHY), I laid it all out on the table (minus the details of my divorce)...I'm in the process of divorce, have a kid, don't want a daddy for my kid, and am not looking for anything even remotely serious: very casual relationship or friendship and NO booty calls. I'm actually to 4 different men in my area who are attractive and seem intelligent and similar in their tastes. They are all in their early thirties. I figure I'm not going to marry these people, and may not even meet them, but it's fun getting to know them. I feel like even though my future is uncertain, I am starting to move on.

 

For example, J inadvertantly let me know that he brought B to his family's Christmas and she took him to her family's. It didn't even bother me all that much. I kind of expect that sort of behavior from him and it doesn't shock me like it used to. Of course he thinks that he can have both of us. Of course he thinks that it's okay to tell me he wants to heal our marriage, only to spend the holidays with his girlfriend. His defense: I didn't ask him to spend Christmas with me, so he spent it with her? How pathetic is that?

 

I called J today to let him know about our daughter's rash and that she's sick and did he still want her this weekend? (the rash on her face is a symptom of a viral infection and she's running a low-grade fever) He threw into the conversation that he had told his cousin, R, that he was talking with me now and then and that R seemed supportive of it and then he said, "See, that's two people rooting for us". I just about laughed. R? R sent me this heinous, NASTY (I mean SERIOUSLY evil, nasty email) after I filed for divorce from J. R is good friends with B (the girlfriend) and R has never really liked me, nor I him. Oh, btw, the 2 people supposedly rooting for our reunion: B and R. Come on! They are my enemies; they don't want J with me anymore than I want them to wake up every day. I don't know why he threw that in there, like R's opinion of the situation would sway me, or B's, for that matter.

 

I had to get back into work (I was on my lunch break) and I told him so, to which he asked if he could ask one question before I hung up. I stupidly said okay and he asked whether I wanted to try or I wanted to move on. He asked which one would be easier on me. I told him honestly that working on us and moving on were both not simple feats, and that 'easier' doesn't mean 'better', either way. That I would not base this decision on which path is "easier", but rather, more worthwhile. Not wanting to hurt him (and still missing him somewhat), I told him that I felt he had already moved on, that when he spent the holidays with his girlfriend B that he had decided that she was what he wanted and that he wasn't serious about me. He told me that if I wanted to think of it that way, he couldn't stop me. Is he KIDDING?!?! It's not really opinion, but more of fact: men who are truly remorseful and want to reconcile with their wives do not spend Christmas at his "new in-laws" for Christmas, nor take his "close friend" to Christmas with him.

 

Later, he called me and asked if I wanted to go out with him tonight. I covered and said that I was going to spend time with my girlfriend K because it's her birthday (her birthday is tomorrow, not tonight). You know where he was when he called and asked me if I wanted to hang out? At the bar. Where else, right? Neither of us has to work tomorrow, so he figured tonight would be a good time for us to get together. I kind of thought I had made it clear that we were just going to get along with each other. No more. I have to admit I am tempted, just because of my innate curiousity...but what is there to be curious about? He has pulled this crap 9 times now and it always ends the same way.

 

I think I am ready to *start* moving on...but I am not ready to say the words to him. I also don't think I'm being unfair to him. He knows damn well that he has no real interest in "saving our marriage". This is all a game to him to see what he can manipulate me to do. I haven't seen one iota of effort or change...so why is there even the slightest bit of temptation? Life is finally looking up and for some reason, I still miss his presence, of seeing him or hearing his voice. I've gotten better. Most of the time, I am pretty distracted and busy, so I don't think about him nearly as much as I did...but then when he asks to hang out with me, I feel...flattered? Loved?

 

I intend to have my sister tell him I'm in the shower or some other excuse when he calls back (he said he's calling me back in a little while after he leaves the bar--I am having disgusted thoughts that he is getting his friends' opinion on our situation, or coming up with ideas to manipulate me into being intimate with him again).

 

I really don't think he cares about me, about my feelings, or even knows who I am as a person. Why does he even bother with me? Why can't we just get along and that be it? Damnit, I won't back down. I want all or nothing. I want to see real change, a real turnaround and real effort. Otherwise, I'm just not interested. Maybe I should just tell him that very thing: man up or get lost.

 

BTW, been listening to Won't Back Down all day today. It has become my new favorite song.

[Antha]

Here is my update, in case your is interested and because I need to vent:

 

H was still trying to get back together with me as of last Friday (one week ago). He decided to blow me and his daughter off in favor of his girlfriend, and so I finally told him to stop trying to get me back, stop trying to pretend you are my friend...just leave me the hell alone.

 

In response, he wrote a blog about me (couldn't read it because it was set to 'Friends Only') and wasn't remotely civil to me for a few days. Then, this past Friday, he calls me on the phone and says "Did you receive the Final Recommendation letter from Friend of the Court yet?" I said I had. Then he proceeded to say "I'm going to have to go for joint custody. I just can't pay this. It's too much".

 

During our session with the lady who did the Final Recommendation, we both had our opportunity to give proof of our incomes, provide past years of tax returns, etc. I can say honestly that the Final Recommendation was fair, based on what he and I make. He told that lady while we were there for our appointment that he wanted me to have full custody. He also said in front of a judge (and into a microphone) that he was okay with me having full custody so long as he got reasonable parenting time. So, twice it is on record that he is okay with me having full custody.

 

Well, he went on and on about how he wants his own place and he doesn't want to live in his girlfriend's trailer forever, how he doesn't want to work at the place he's working at anymore and wants to get started in a new field and go to college, and that colleges won't give him financial aid because it looks like he's making so much and they don't factor in the child support. Blah, blah, blah, "poor me".

 

With a little perspective from my friend K and my brother, I was able to firm and tell him "No, I am not making my life harder and paying more money so that you and your girlfriend's lives are easier. You made your bed, now lie in it". He was trying to convince me to give him joint custody and instead of having her in daycare to have his sister (who lives a good 40 minutes from either of us) watch her. For one, it would cost more in gas than he has to pay in daycare ($158 a month; I pay $80; state pays $242). In addition to that, he could say: my girlfriend watches her, my sister watches her, and I watch her more than my ex-wife...and then make a play for full custody and have me paying him child support, even though I only make $1,000 a month take-home and he makes $2,400 a month or more.

 

When trying to get me back wouldn't work (I refused to give in and let him live with her and date both of us; go figure), he moves onto his next tactic: trying to make me empathasize with his financial situation and saying how this isn't about the money and he wants our daughter 3-4 days a week and me not agreeing to it is me being a selfish person...even though I know his girlfriend is primarily watching our daughter on his time.

 

He knows that he cannot say "Hey, Friend of the Court, I have a $400 car payment and I like to go out and party all the time and go to dinner 3x a week...I just can't afford to support my lifestyle AND pay for my child's welfare...please don't make me pay it"...so, he turns to the one person who might be able to overturn the child support: me. And when I wouldn't bow to what he wanted...he said horrible things and wrote me this:

 

If you want to do it your way then fine....do it your way and I hope you are proud of yourself for trying to drive a wedge in mine and Illy's life. When you see later in life that you have not only destroyed our marriage, you also tried to destroy the bond MY daughter and I have formed. I can go down and file a motion to get the joint custody, hire a lawyer and fight you on it. But what is the point? you will find another way to try and make my life hell. I tried so many times with you and you fish for reasons to justify what you do. I gave you full custody of Illy to help you out, to give you something that I never got in my life which is a helping hand in building my life. I can and will do it on my own and the only satisfaction I will get out of it is knowing that you could never be that strong. When I married you, I thought I saw someone who hated those mothers that did the same things you are doing now. You have become exactly what you hate, in turn becoming what I hate...a weak person. You will continue to take for the rest of your life and see it as a step in the right directon. then you will say you did it all by yourself when you and I both know the truth. You couldn't have done it without me. Thats right, you know, the person you threw to the side of the road because things got a little difficult. Every step of the way I made things easy for you and gave you everything you needed and wanted. Now that I have given too much and ask for you to show some sign that you aren't the person that everyone else sees you as, you prove them all right.

Jaclyn, the truth is that I wanted to make things work with us....even up untill the phone call we just had. I just needed to see the light, and the truth. You didn't want me for me, and you didn't want me back because you loved me. You wanted me back because you saw a little difficulty in your situation and you wanted me to bail you out. your cash assistance goes out and you want to work on it...you find out they are going to be giving you more money then you tought out of MY paycheck and then you didn't want to work on it anymore. Funny how people expose themselves as the person they are. I guess I can take it as a learning experience. I made a mistake in getting back together with you, but it did net me a beautiful little girl. It also gave me a better understanding of the word trust, and that you really can't trust anybody. If it makes you feel better to think of the divorce as a result of my infidelity, then great, ignore the truth. If it makes you feel better to think that you wanted me back because you loved me, and not the security, then have at it. You can even lie to yourself and the rest of the world about the reasons you want full custody of Illy, but we all know the truth. You may not, but we do. My plan has changed a little because of what you have said and done. 400 was a fair amount...then 600....now 900, and Im sure that when I get the job I want and I am making more, it's going to cost me more for a piss poor baby sitter. Thats fine. Im too forgiving of a person and I allow people like you to walk on me and I give all of myself to help out others...you will never know that. You think because you blow someone, thats you giving all of yourself? You have shown your true colors and it sickens me. I will mourn the loss, not of you but what I thought you were, but I will get over it. I will move on and make a better place for myself and my daughter with or without your help. I canmake the sacrifices it takes to get to that point and when I do, I will get the satisfaction of seeing you in your mothers house...sucking dicks to try to fool somneone into thinking you love them, then taking what you can to sustain your existence. Enjoy JACLYN, but do me and your daughter a favor and stop un-teaching her what she learns. When she leaves my house, she asks by name for what she wants...walks herself to the crib for bed time and doesn't scream or cry. By the time I get her back, all of that is undone because of your lazyness. I know I know...you are thinking, IM NOT LAZY, I WATCH MY DAUGHTER...Where do you keep her caged up durring the days that you are home and not out partying with your new rolemodles? I know you used to do it in the living room...you remember the cage right? the one where when I came home she would be climbing up it, begging for attention, while you sat at the computer smoking? I'd hate to think that if the potty training works that she will come back to me the following Tuesday ****ting on the floor and grunting for her water. I also don't want you to teach her that what you are doing is the right way. I want her to do what she can to make it in life and not on the backs of others. In the mean time, keep up your end of the bargain and allow me to see my daughter when I want.

 

Maybe the day will come when you realize that you have lost a caring giving person...a person that loves despite being spit on in the process, and you find it hard to live the extravigant life of living in as cat **** filled house and chopping yourself with a steak knife because someone didn't look at you in a store or something like that, you will call me and tell me you were wrong....so I can laugh.

Good bye

 

He is trying to tell anybody who'll listen that I am a lazy, greedy, selfish person. I don't know why I let him get to me. He knows he's lying. I know he's lying...but he just has to try to hurt me, doesn't he? Will he always be like this? Will he ever just act like a mature adult and parent...or is always going to be about money with him?

 

He really expects me to say, "Ah, forget it. You don't have to pay child support. You just go out and have a good time taking your girlfriend on vacations and out places. I'll pay for daycare, clothes, food, everything, all by myself on my meager earnings. Oh yeah, my car's engine just died and I haven't saved up the money for a new car yet...but you know, you have that brand new mini-van and I'm happy for you. All that matter is that YOU have a good life. You don't have any responsibility to your daughter...as long as you and your trailer-trash girlfriend get to live comfortably and get loaded every weekend, that's all that is important".

 

Argh. I have had the worst day today and I feel like SCREAMING. When is he going to just "man up" and stop being a selfish prick? I'm telling you, FOC was VERY fair to him. Even after daycare and child support, his checks are still $400 a week, whereas mine are only $150 a week. It's not MY fault that he is living outside his means. Friend of the Court doesn't care that he has a $400 car payment--so get rid of the car if you can't afford an apartment AND the car payment. Why should I burden myself and pay for everything because he doesn't want to live within his means?

 

I'm so frustrated, I do not even know how to articulate it. I finally stood firm and didn't back down, didn't let him smooth talk me into anything...and it's all-out war now. He's not used to me telling him "No". Will I have to deal with this forever? I think I've asked this before, but when will he just resign himself to the fact that this is how it is and just deal with it?

 

How does he skew reality in his mind so that suddenly my baby is in a "cage", that I smoke in her face, that he pays $900 a month (no--he pays $744 TOTAL, including medical and daycare)...that everything good she does, he is responsible for and everything negative, that's all me. He's trying to claim that he taught her most of the words she knows (he said this on the phone) HE taught her, and HE taught her everything...and I did nothing. He left me 4-6 days a week, meaning he left our daughter the same amount of time, and yet he thinks HE is SuperDad? He has her every other weekend and he thinks her vocabulary and socialization and everything else is a result of 2 days with him and not the rest of the time that her mother raises her??? How the hell can someone be so warped???? It shouldn't bother me that he is spreading lies to anybody who'll listen...but it does. It shouldn't bother me that he is a piss poor father trying to convince everyone, including me, that he is Father of Year and that I'm a piece of worthless crap who only cares about money. Our daughter was not an oopsy-baby or anything. I did not "con" him into having a baby so I could turn around and steal his money. Do you notice he called me a "piss poor babysitter". I'm her MOTHER. I didn't yell at him like he did me and say MY daughter. Excuse me, but who the hell carried her for 10 months, who stayed at home and raised her while he was out 4-6 days a week cheating on me? But no, I had nothing to do with the quality of her raising. Man, he gets me fired up. I really need to get control over my emotions and stop letting his lies get to me.

 

It's so hard to believe that this is a real person and not a caricature.

[Antha]

Oh, and I just finished paying the last of my legal bills today and the Request for Divorce Hearing is going to be filed in the next couple of days. I will probably be divorced around February 21st...and I can't wait. At the very least, child support has been determined and my divorce from this horrible, controlling, lying, manipulative man will be final. Notice the bit in his letter about "It also gave me a better understanding of the word trust, and that you really can't trust anybody. If it makes you feel better to think of the divorce as a result of my infidelity, then great, ignore the truth. " What the HELL is he playing at? OF COURSE I divorced him because he was treating me like crap and cheating on me! Dang, in that sentence, he *almost* admits to cheating.

[Gunny376]

I'm not disaggrening with you on anything that you posted about the STBXH, but what I want to hear from you is:

 

How did you grow from the experience?

 

What did you learn?

 

What were your faults?

 

What were your shortcomings?

 

What will you do differently, next time?

 

What weaknesses, in yourself have you identified? And what are you doing to overcome them?

 

What strengths have you've identified, and what are you doing to build upon them?

 

You don't have to answer these questions to me, us, ~ but to yourself!

[ilmw]

I'm not disaggrening with you on anything that you posted about the STBXH, but what I want to hear from you is:

 

How did you grow from the experience?

 

What did you learn?

 

What were your faults?

 

What were your shortcomings?

 

What will you do differently, next time?

 

What weaknesses, in yourself have you identified? And what are you doing to overcome them?

 

What strengths have you've identified, and what are you doing to build upon them?

 

You don't have to answer these questions to me, us, ~ but to yourself!

 

Those are damn good questions... and ones I try and am trying to answer my self...

 

Gunns you should make that a New Thread... because... it would get allot of us ... new to this.... to realy think.. down to our core...

 

You my friend... are a God send... Thx!

[ilmw]

Oh, and I just finished paying the last of my legal bills today and the Request for Divorce Hearing is going to be filed in the next couple of days. I will probably be divorced around February 21st...and I can't wait. At the very least, child support has been determined and my divorce from this horrible, controlling, lying, manipulative man will be final. Notice the bit in his letter about "It also gave me a better understanding of the word trust, and that you really can't trust anybody. If it makes you feel better to think of the divorce as a result of my infidelity, then great, ignore the truth. " What the HELL is he playing at? OF COURSE I divorced him because he was treating me like crap and cheating on me! Dang, in that sentence, he *almost* admits to cheating.

 

Antha...I read your entire prior post....

 

I said before... and I'll say it again... your stbx... sounds like he could be my DW's ex.... He pulled all the same crap... when DW went for custody of S/son he rattled sabers... beat his chest... made all kinds of threats... then on the day of court... he was no longer... the big man..(as he seemed to believe he was:confused: )... He caved... and complied for several years...

 

(Now... I had some envolvement in this... I incouraged DW to some extent... and that was because she had only a verval agreement for child support.... and because there was nothing legal... he would pull crap like not pay on time... or not enough... or miss days... or demand days... and and... and.... it got to be too much... the games.... ( i for one... felt... this is his boy... he should see him... but... I also started seeing.. that he seemed to have an agenda... and it was not fair on the boy....

 

To sum that up.... he is a human piece of crap.... and is not improving with age.... (I am qualified to say that... as I have known him for more time than... I would have liked..)

 

Back to you... I see the similarities... how he acted back when the custody battle took place... DW got custody... he in fact lost allot because he pulled his crap....

 

But like the dog he was... he got beaten... and then shyed away...

 

I also think at times... that he knew... he did not have to give me much of an excuse...to beat him to within an inch of his life.... ...( )

 

I realy don't like that guy... ... and from the sounds of it... I don't like your stbx..either... and I don't even know him... (maybe to many similarities.. )

 

Anyway... I think if you stick to your guns... NEVER back down... it will screw with him... He thinks he is the "big man"... you just stair him down... tell him to go to hell... He will eventually get it.... and he will move on... Its in his character... .. and it will make you even stronger..

 

You are doing great... and it shows your strength of character..

be stronge...K

 

ilmw

 

PS.... you arrange a date / place we can hook up... and we can go to see Do3 and skydive...together...

[Ladyjane14]

As I was reading through your STBX's words, Antha... looking for ANY kind of basic truths, I could find none. There wasn't anything substantial there; just alot of hot air.

 

He's pissed off about the money. He's pissed off because you took his "cake" away when you stopped fulfilling ENs for him. And that's all there is to it.

 

Your best bet would be to get into the NC mode that we talked about earlier. There shouldn't be ANY discussion with him at this point which isn't in regard to parenting. And anytime he's off-topic, he should be ignored or re-routed through a third party.

 

I had to wonder though, despite his protestations of what a SUPER daddy he is... what would have happened if you'd offered to let him sign off his parental rights in exchange for a complete pardon on his financial responsibilities. I bet he would've grabbed it with both hands.

 

Anyway... your healing starts with YOU. He can't hit the target, if he can't have access to it. Block him. Give him one, and only one, avenue in which to discuss parenting. Give him an emergency contact number for you. And give him NOTHING else.

 

Don't read his blogs. Don't let his friends tell you things about him. If it's not about parenting... YOU don't want to hear about it. This is how you remove the chaos from YOUR life. He can't manipulate you if you don't give him any elbow room, right?

 

It's not important for you to know what he's thinking anymore. You've got to ask yourself... why on earth would anyone care what the village idiot THINKS???

[Gunny376]

:lmao:

You've got to ask yourself... why on earth would anyone care what the village idiot THINKS???

 

 

Love it ! :lmao:

 

LJ's right! Aside from co-parenting, his problems and issues are exactally that ~HIS!

 

He gets to belly aching about how tough his life is ~ I'd just tell him:

 

HATE IT FOR YOU! Turn you back and walk away, or just hang the phone up. He made his bed hard, let him sleep in it!

[Antha]

I had to wonder though, despite his protestations of what a SUPER daddy he is... what would have happened if you'd offered to let him sign off his parental rights in exchange for a complete pardon on his financial responsibilities. I bet he would've grabbed it with both hands.

 

I actually did offer him that, but he turned it down. This was after a long rant about how much he loves our daughter, so I guess he couldn't go: "Oh, okay". I said: "I won't make you pay a dime...if you just leave us alone and stay out of our lives". I pretty much knew he'd say no, but I put it out there. If he really would leave our daughter alone if he didn't have to pay, then he's no father at all.

 

After I read that letter, I did call the ex and start yelling at him. Moment of weakness. But...he had said his peace and claimed that he would never talk of our relationship, etc., anymore and that we would only speak of things to pertain to our daughter (yeah, I've heard *that one* before). Hopefully he's telling the truth. Every tactic he's tried has failed. He's done everything he can and I still won't back down or let him have his selfish way...

 

Now reading his letter, the words don't have the impact that they initially did and my emotions and mind are colder to his words. Today I feel like there's nothing worse he can do to try to push me around other than making ridiculous accusations.

 

I said awhile ago that I wish he would just be an out-and-out jerk and not hide behind pretty words but do bad actions. Well, the cloak has come off and the gloves have come off and I'm seeing him exactly as he really is now. He is not really pretending with me anymore, and that is my greatest advantage. No tricks, just a bunch of stomping and yelling now.

 

He wants to relay messages on Myspace, unless it is something that absolutely needs to be spoken about over the phone. He is in total shutdown mode and saying he wants NC, which is EXACTLY what I've been wanting for the last 5 months.

 

I let it get to me yesterday, but today I am stronger. I really don't care what he thinks or says because I know they are outright lies. I don't care what his family or friends think because if they are stupid enough not to see through it, then...whatever, you know? They can have all the opinions of me they want. It's not going to affect MY life.

 

You guys are all right. And I promise, I will heed what you say. I let him rattle me, but that's not going to happen again. I am proud of the way I stood up to him and didn't back down, didn't let me guilt him into having his own way.

 

Any ideas on how long it will take for him to realize that he can fight me, but he cannot win, and that he shouldn't even try to depose me or make life harder for me and our daughter?

[Ladyjane14]

He's gonna fight you on the money 'til your daughter is grown. It's ALWAYS going to be a bone of contention. Your best bet is to just run it through the court system and not discuss it with him. If he fails to pay, turn him in... EVERY time.

 

As far as the personal contact goes, he'll try to reengage you in a major way once you've moved on with another guy. He might start out nice enough, but he'll move directly into a*hole mode when he doesn't get his way. I don't care how bad they say they want out.. they just can't stand for another man to be traversing on their 'turf'.

 

Other personal contact efforts will be of the same M.O. as they've been so far. Anytime he's not quite getting his needs met by others, he'll come sniffing back around.

[ilmw]

I

 

Any ideas on how long it will take for him to realize that he can fight me, but he cannot win, and that he shouldn't even try to depose me or make life harder for me and our daughter?

 

How long..? I guess it depends on a) how stupid he is? b) how stubourn he is? or c) or vindictive he is?

 

Now imagine you are a brick wall that is to tall to climb over... and you cannot go around.. there is not a way in to get at YOU

He can only run at that wall so many times before he gets in his head... that.. he can't break that wall... and he will give up.... and from what you have posted about stbxh.... he seem to be full of huff and puff... but he won't be able to blow this wall down... ...

 

You cannot damage brick with smoke and mirrors.. hot air... or BS...

 

ilmw