Wife is cheating...and pregant

[deek]

I am a mess, trying to cope and deal with the news my wife just told me last evening.

 

She has been having an affair for about a year. Last Thursday, she went to an abortion clinic, but didn't go through with it, wanting to keep the child. She's nine weeks pregnant, and its not mine.

 

This bomb was dropped in my lap last night...we talked a little, but I was at a loss for words. I am not the most capable of expressing my emotions, but I feel them welling up inside of me...and I don't know what I want to do.

 

We have only been married two years and in the last year and a half, we have had three miscarriages. Her looking for the emotional support she needed, that I didn't provide is what started this chain of events...but she has been doing this for months now and she just told me yesterday...

 

I know there are no answers, but this is tough. And I need someone to talk/type to...

[tikigods]

this is a no win situation for you. You are going to have to face facts that your wife is deciding to carry another mans baby and that this will forever bond her and the other man, let her go and move on with your life

[blind_otter]

type away. you will get the support that you need in this emotionally trying time.....

[sarah05]

That is a big pickle to be in. I am against getting a divorce but this is completely border line. Has she said whether or not she wants the father of her baby in it's life? Does she want to leave you for him? I know that right now your last concern is of what she wants but she got herself in this mess and it's not really your place to get her out. Find out what she wants to do and take all your feelings into play.

[deek]

Well, when we talked face to face, last night, it seemed that the only thing she was sure about was that she wanted to keep the baby. Granted, a week before she was on the edge, as she was about to get an abortion.

 

But, when I talked to her later, over the phone, she said she thought it was only right to allow the OM to father the child. And she said she thought that the two of them raising a child was the best thing for the baby.

 

My feelings are really messed up right now. My head says, all the signs are there (obviously), and just cut and burn. But, even though I am emotionally-challenged, there is my heart saying that she can't really want this. She admitted she made many mistakes...and I know her (or at least thought I did until yesterday) and either way she goes, its a big decision.

 

If she goes with the OM and child, she likely ostrisizes herself from her family. If she thinks about the two of us, we have a huge mountain to climb and even more tough decisions to make...

[blind_otter]

Since she's had 3 miscarriages she may not want to terminate the pregnancy out of fear that this may be the only viable pregnancy she'll ever have.

 

I've had two miscarriages and it's very nearly put me off having children, ever. The pain from losing a baby is just too much to bear.

[deek]

That is a big pickle to be in. I am against getting a divorce but this is completely border line. Has she said whether or not she wants the father of her baby in it's life? Does she want to leave you for him? I know that right now your last concern is of what she wants but she got herself in this mess and it's not really your place to get her out. Find out what she wants to do and take all your feelings into play.

 

And I think that is part of her dilemma, again, if I am reading the two conversations we have had correctly. I think she waited to this point of critical mass, mistake after mistake (as she admitted she would change it if she could go back in time) and presented me with a situation that I could say nothing other than leave...which was my first instinct and feeling, but my head was quite clouded.

 

Not that I am too much more clear today, but I decided to just open the flood gates and leave everything open to possibility until it was slammed shut.

 

I am not a clingy type person, and part of the problem we had was that we didn't communicate all that well and somewhat led separate lives for a time. Granted, I was hanging out with friends or filling my time with hobbies/activites and never in a million years did I think she was having an affair. But part of me wants to pull her back, viewing this as the biggest possible cry for help and try and get through it together. I mean, if we can get past this, maybe I can become more emotionally involved in her life and there would be no challenge we could not conquer...but that is also a bit of fantasy and would require her to want the same thing...which I am not sure she does.

 

She is the type of person to run and hide from a problem. To ignore things until they get too far out of hand to handle...obviously, there is no denying this problem...and a certain part of me feels that we could salvage our lives. Which, except for the emotional lacking, which started this whole thing, was pretty good in all other respects...

 

I've talked to my brother and a close friend...they both say leave. Consider myself lucky that it is happening now and not in 5 years...and especially seeing we don't have any kids.

 

But I've also talked to her sister (the only other person I have talked with) and while she backs whatever decision I make, she opened the door of hope and didn't automatically say leave...

[sarah05]

How long did you guys know each other before you got married?

[deek]

Since she's had 3 miscarriages she may not want to terminate the pregnancy out of fear that this may be the only viable pregnancy she'll ever have.

 

I've had two miscarriages and it's very nearly put me off having children, ever. The pain from losing a baby is just too much to bear.

 

I think that has a lot to do with her current decision. She had an abortion a long time ago...three miscarriages with me, so I know having a baby already 9 weeks along and healthy is a huge part of her thoughts. And I know that the pain of the prior troubles have been too much pain, and again, my lack of comforting her in those times of need, was the catalyst to look for that support elsewhere. But she didn't turn to her family or friends, out of fear or feeling they wouldn't understand...but a co-worker that she was friends with.

 

The thing is, I did bring up the propect of keeping the baby, although that is probably my least favorite option...but I wanted to say it out loud and hear her reply...and it was how could I logically want to go through with it? What would motivate me to want her to keep the baby, keep the father in her life, yet not move on from one another...

 

I don't know...its just a lot to take in...less than 24 hours...

 

And all the lies...not just with me, but with her own family and friends...its like she is a completely different peson now. She has one thing in her sights, and that is to be a mom...and I knew this going in and we tried. And after the last miscarriage, she wanted some time, which I gave, but then every time I tried to come back around, she pushed me away.

 

Little did I know that as she was pushing me away, she was seeking comfort and support with the OM...she was slowly erasing our past and future by ignoring the problems we had...

[Moose]

I am against getting a divorce but this is completely border line.

Not border line at all. It's perfectly fine, (in God's eyes), if the husband decides to go ahead end this matrimony.

 

And that's exactly what I'd do in this situation.......

[deek]

How long did you guys know each other before you got married?

We knew each other about a year. After about 9 months, I moved closer (same city though) and we got engaged. The engagement was a year and a half, due mostly to my brother getting married that same year, so we spaced things out six months to ease the burden on everyone's families.

 

So, that's a little over two years before getting married, although we did have a long engagement.

 

And I don't want to paint her any worse, but she was engaged and set to be married before I met her. She actually had just broke up with her fiance a month of so prior to our first meeting.

 

I just wish so much that after the first sexual encounter with this other guy, she would have said something. It would have sucked big time there as well, but letting it go for so long and with a pregnancy in the picture...man, its just brutal to be the odd man out. And she had to have known that after her first "mistake", continuing to make it over and over again could not turn out good...for anyone.

[deek]

Not border line at all. It's perfectly fine, (in God's eyes), if the husband decides to go ahead end this matrimony.

 

And that's exactly what I'd do in this situation.......

 

Man...that's just tough. I mean, I know that is the easiest decision in front of me...and know that that is what 95% of anyone would suggest. I just never saw myself at this point. I suppose I had the naive ideal that once we entered marriage, we could take care of all the problems life had to throw at us...

 

But I feel my faith and hope to be stronger than hers...she is focused on one life, and that is of the unborn child...but I am sure that the thoughts of divorce now, are much worse than they will be in a year or two...I just really feel like I am taking the hardest life test I've had to deal with...and I have been given it as a surprise!

[Green]

how do u know for sure that it is not your baby? you dont have sex with your wife? You should just have your name put down on the birth papers that way youd be the real father. I dont like this guy who cheats with another mans wife. as for her I personaly would have to break up and get a divorce but if you decide to stick with her you have to forgive her fully you can blame her and the kid for the rest of your life.

[Moose]

I suppose I had the naive ideal that once we entered marriage, we could take care of all the problems life had to throw at us...

Don't feel bad. I'd be willing to wager that 90% of marriages start off this way, then cold hard reality sets in, and both people realize marriage isn't a fairy tale.

 

While I can empathize with your wife and the unborn child, this was gone about the wrong way, whether or not you can forgive her, she deserves it if you just walk.

 

You may have to harden your heart a bit, but you DO deserve better.....

[deek]

how do u know for sure that it is not your baby? you dont have sex with your wife? You should just have your name put down on the birth papers that way youd be the real father. I dont like this guy who cheats with another mans wife. as for her I personaly would have to break up and get a divorce but if you decide to stick with her you have to forgive her fully you can blame her and the kid for the rest of your life.

Well, her last miscarriage was in January...which means we had sex the final time around November of last year. She had a DNC and after recovering, said she wanted space, not sure if she wanted to try to get pregnant again. So, we waited.

 

Then in the spring, her mother and her planned a trip to Germany, to visit a cousin and when pregnancy came up again, she said she didn't want to jeopardize the trip if she had complications again. The trip got delayed and then didn't go until late summer...still waiting.

 

Then when she came back, we talked about it again. She started in some extracurricular sport activities and wanted to hold off again until after the season was over...so I got excuse after excuse, pushing off any discussion and more specifically, any talk of regaining our intimacy. I filled my time with friends and hobbies, thinking that would help. It kept me busy and when I occaisionally brought up our marital problems, communication, she always pushed it back, saying she wasn't ready.

 

In reality, she was pushing me back, affording her more time with the OM. All unknowingly to me and her family and friends...

 

So, I am 100% sure the child is not mine...my patience and desire to give her space did not help matters...

[deek]

Don't feel bad. I'd be willing to wager that 90% of marriages start off this way, then cold hard reality sets in, and both people realize marriage isn't a fairy tale.

 

While I can empathize with your wife and the unborn child, this was gone about the wrong way, whether or not you can forgive her, she deserves it if you just walk.

 

You may have to harden your heart a bit, but you DO deserve better.....

 

I am beginning to think that way...I don't like things coming to an end, especially in a way like this, where I don't feel I have any say in the matter. Any option that involves us working this out, baby or no baby, is a mess...but I have given up in the past, with other people when times were tough...and regretted it. But the more I think, the more I feel that this is beyond tough, and nothing I can do will make it better.

 

I have an appointment with a local conselor through my work's EAP on Friday. It was suggested I talk to someone face to face about this, so I am taking that advice.

 

My wife suggested I take some time to think about how I feel and wants me to wait to talk to her again until after that appointment. I still don't know what can come out of talking with her more, except heartache and a continual closing of any sliver of hope I think I want.

[Moose]

I still don't know what can come out of talking with her more, except heartache and a continual closing of any sliver of hope I think I want.

Just curious, but from one man to another, do you feel as if you'll be stripped of your honor by negating the marriage? Even a little?

 

I think that you can rest assured that your honor is and will be intact. I can just tell from your posts.....

[deek]

Just curious, but from one man to another, do you feel as if you'll be stripped of your honor by negating the marriage? Even a little?

 

I think that you can rest assured that your honor is and will be intact. I can just tell from your posts.....

Honestly, yes...I do feel that my honor will be stripped. While marriage is more than just an oath, I went into it feeling that if it came down to being miserable or breaking my promise...I would be miserable. Also, as I feel that any two people can work out their problems and be happy for the long term (even with major bumps in the road).

 

I guess that was another fatal flaw...I was looking down the road, thinking after 20, 30 or 40 years of marriage, these problems in year two were minor and was assured we would get past them...

 

I just feel like a victim...and I don't like that feeling...and helpless...and a failure...

[climbergirl]

Honestly, yes...I do feel that my honor will be stripped. While marriage is more than just an oath, I went into it feeling that if it came down to being miserable or breaking my promise...I would be miserable. Also, as I feel that any two people can work out their problems and be happy for the long term (even with major bumps in the road).

 

I guess that was another fatal flaw...I was looking down the road, thinking after 20, 30 or 40 years of marriage, these problems in year two were minor and was assured we would get past them...

 

I just feel like a victim...and I don't like that feeling...and helpless...and a failure...

 

I somewhat know what you're feeling.......my dad went through something similar. But he found out after 30+ years that my sister was not his biological child. But just know this--You are the only one who will have this perspective of you.......and you are not a failure. IMO-she is. She choose to have an affair w/o working things out with you, she didn't take the proper precautions to insure that she wouldn't get pregnant with this guy. No one (including here) will ever look at you as a failure. All attention will be on her actions.

 

I know you still love her. Even after finding out after 38 years of marriage and a separation, my dad was desperate to get back with my mom. He lost weight, drank too much, cried all the time (and he is normally, absolutely stoic). He got over it, and is now (3 years later) happily married. He still loves my mom, but does not want to be with her.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you'll be alright in time. I'm sure you'll pull through this.

 

One question, though-if she wanted you to raise the child instead of him....would you?

[Green]

climb girl how did u find out your sister was not biologicaly his? what did that mean to u?

 

Deek all I got to say is you may not have been the perfect husband but she had no right to cheat on you. I think your to hard on yourself man. I would let her go the mariage ended when she cheated on you. its not like your leaving your wife who has cancer. What ever you do just make sure you see a counsler by yourself for your own well being in these tough times.

[deek]

One question, though-if she wanted you to raise the child instead of him....would you?

 

That's another tough question...one that I don't have an answer for. For my entire life, I would have been quick to answer no...but having to answer it when it is really my life...I just don't know.

 

I mean, I would hear her out, first off. And I guess it would all depend on the specific circumstances of the OM and how she feels about it. I wouldn't just automatically say no, but I would have to first come to terms with everything that led up to it...which could definitely take some time.

 

If I had to make the decision today, I'd likely say no. That may or may not change in time...but the thing that hurts is that she doesn't seem to even give that option a thought...four and a half years we have been together, and my wife and future life was stolen in less than a year...I guess I still can't get past that...everything about this just makes me feel ill.

 

I do want to thank everyone that has read or replied...while it doesn't change what has already happened, it does give me a little more comfort knowing I am sharing...thank you.

[deek]

climb girl how did u find out your sister was not biologicaly his? what did that mean to u?

 

Deek all I got to say is you may not have been the perfect husband but she had no right to cheat on you. I think your to hard on yourself man. I would let her go the mariage ended when she cheated on you. its not like your leaving your wife who has cancer. What ever you do just make sure you see a counsler by yourself for your own well being in these tough times.

I certainly agree that she had no right to do what she did. I always thought that no matter what, emotionally-challenged as I am or not, that above all, that as long as I stayed honest and faithful, nothing could ever go this horribly wrong.

 

I do admit being hard on myself, but with this being a life changing event, I feel that I owe it to myself to look at it from every angle I possibly can...not matter how much it hurts.

 

I do have an appointment for individual counseling this Friday...so I hope some good will come of that. I did ask my wife if she would be willing to go to counseling as well, with or without me, but she seems more interested in moving this along and getting past this troubled time. It just really hurts when she asks what good it will do...as she says stuff to show she has already written me off and moved on.

[BannaBee57]

You guys didn't have sex for a year because she didn't want to get pregnant. What about using some birth control.

 

And you didn't suspect she as having an affair?

 

I guess there would be no question in my mind. I would divorce her and find someone who wants to be intimate with you and remain faithful. Good luck buddy. I feel for you.

[Moose]

I do admit being hard on myself, but with this being a life changing event, I feel that I owe it to myself to look at it from every angle I possibly can...not matter how much it hurts.

I would do exactly the same.

 

What I've said we're just my opinions based on what you've written thus far.

 

I don't know the whole situation, (obviously), however, I can tell from what you've said that it's eating at your very soul.

 

She is your wife, and you did make a lifetime commitment to her. This only matters to men with high values in my opinion.

 

The attempts of pro-creating together wasn't working between the two of you. Instead of exploring other alternatives, your wife might of decided to explore other avenues.

 

This could be partially your fault, but again, based on what you wrote, it's not easy to tell.

 

I personally, (again, only an opinion), would say that perhaps a trial seperation, with individual/group counceling would be in order.

 

If that's not possible, don't hold yourself accountable in God's or men's eyes for your decision.

 

I have a feeling that you're in the clergy or close to it for some reason.....'deek'?

[deek]

You guys didn't have sex for a year because she didn't want to get pregnant. What about using some birth control.

 

And you didn't suspect she as having an affair?

 

I guess there would be no question in my mind. I would divorce her and find someone who wants to be intimate with you and remain faithful. Good luck buddy. I feel for you.

There's a lot of things I can point to now...ways I can see that she was doing something...but no, I never thought she would. I remember many times, when things were going well, us talking...about the past, about the future, about life, likes, dislikes...that sort of thing...and I always remember telling her that loyalty, devotion and honesty were the things I felt most strongly about...cheating on a person...was something I would never do and having it done to me would be the worst thing I could imagine happening...

 

I suppose she had me convinced it wasn't the sex, it was our intimacy...and it was something we talked a lot about working on...we identified it as a problem...a big one, but it always seemed to get pushed off. Even she admitted that she always thought things would get better...and wanted them to.

 

I feel that the only reason I know about this now is because she decided she couldn't abort a child...had she went through with it (not saying she should have)...I don't think she would have felt an overwhelming need to tell me anything. She would have either felt things had gone way too far (in her mind) and either broke off the affair, or decided that before anything else happens with the OM, that we should divorce...