Guest Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 How do you know you are trully attracted enough to be with someone your whole life? For example, I love my SO and we are compatable in so many ways but I sometimes wonder if our chemistry is enough. We have an average sex life. There are never really any fireworks and I don't always feel desirous of him when I see him, but he is the best man I have ever met. I just wonder how do I know if I am attracted enough to be with him long term? I have had very passionate/ chemistry type relationships in the past but they usually ended as fast as they started. This guy is much more stable and able to do long-term intimacy well, but I don't always feel butterflies or sparks. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 I have had very passionate/ chemistry type relationships in the past but they usually ended as fast as they started. That's the thing about passionate, heated sex that starts off with a huge bang! It may not last long, not because of the sex, it's because of other issues outside of the bedroom...... Being inlove with someone and choosing to be with only them is what keeps the flame alive. It comes and goes, some days sex is amazing and hot, other times it could be a quickie or not even anything to write home about. And, sometimes you fall out of sync sexually with your partner due to life stresses, etc - But the good thing is, it always comes back! Try not to worry about your passion dying ... The butterflies and honeymoon stage cannot last forever unfortunately, but it's replaced with trust, feeling secure and loved. I'd pick that over anything else! Link to post Share on other sites
couggrl Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 i am right there with you my bf and i have been together for almost 2 years and we live together. he has recently told me that he is not attracted to me but he loves me. is it possible to have a relationship without the attraction? I don't know what to do.... he doesn't seem as happy as he used to be and when we go out we hardly even talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 To the original poster: as long as you are asking such a question, you are not truly attracted enough. True love is free of any such doubt. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytellan Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 Hell no you cant have a relationship without the attraction. Good lord, if my girlfriend told me that I would be out the door so fast it would make her head spin. Couggrl... I can't believe you can still look at this man without wanting to hurt him or at least throw up on him. Guest... if you have these questions, then he is not the one. The more questions you need to answer, the less you are ready to marry someone. Attraction and sex obviously matter to you, if you deny it it will sneak up and bite you in the ass later... maybe when your married with kids. I tried to convince myself that sex wasn't that important to me. I ended up divorced 4 years later. Don't kid or deny yourself anything. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 sex is more important for some than it is for others.... Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 i am right there with you my bf and i have been together for almost 2 years and we live together. he has recently told me that he is not attracted to me but he loves me. is it possible to have a relationship without the attraction? I don't know what to do.... he doesn't seem as happy as he used to be and when we go out we hardly even talk. Wow no offense but your boyfriend sounds like a jerk. If my bf ever said that to me he would be single. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytellan Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 Wow no offense but your boyfriend sounds like a jerk. If my bf ever said that to me he would be single. Oh thank you. I thought I was the only one not insane here Link to post Share on other sites
pyroguy Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 This is a very touchy area. There are different ways to loook at it-some ok, some bad. From someone who has been married 13 years, let me first say that this butterflies and raging chemistry thing is overated when thinking long term. NOBODY has this all the time. I would guess that Brad Pitt and Pam Anderson would have off times if they were together for awhile. This can fool some people that it's time to simply move on. I hate this. I hate when people, especially married people automatically use this as an exuse to cheat or fantasize incessently. Realize that with the other person you desire, the same thing would probably happen down the road. That being said, there does need to be an attraction. Maybe many people think it's shallow and don't want to admit it, but it's true. Sadly, many people end up with people that they are not really attracted to. I have strongly claimed that many women are not attracted to their husbands-as Rainfall can attest to from the other thread I've been posting in. They marry for security, they feel he can be trusted more, they don't want to worry about other women,and money. Hence, all the male strip popularity and women's subsequent behavior during those shows. LAdies, yes I know men are guilty of this too, I just feel women are more guilty of it-and it's sad. Just think, the woman marries you for the reasons listed, but doesn't really want you physically, desires others, and it has to make you feel like s***. I have a good example. My wife and I just took a 3 day cruise to the bahamas after thanksgiving-without kids . I noticed that were plenty of couples where the guy was not near as equal in looks as a man as his girls looks were as a woman-if that makes sense. That is, I just think the equal to the girls looks would have been someone much better looking. Of course, I'm a guy judging other guys, but I think I have a good idea what women will like- at least the obvious ones. I know I'm not crazy here because A lot of other guys have aggreed with me. It actually gives them hope. I wonder, how are these women when they are away from the guy. Are they fantasizing a lot, are these the girls in the strip clubs? Also, just look at life around you. Does any woman here think that the model who is married to Donald Trump is turned on by him when he takes his clothes off? he gets a pass because he has money. So, I would say to the original poster, to try and figure out why you feel this way or don't feel this way. Maybe it's just that the honeymoon is over, but you can still add spark. Maybe those past passioante realtionships you mentioned would have ended up the same way. Then there is the case of maybe you thinking you had better looking people in the past. This may be natural ,but it's also flawed because once you start thinking like that you forget that there will always be soemone better looking than you, and this includes you too. Then, with that reasoning the only people who should mate is ..well.. Brad Pitt and Pam Anderson, or whatever stars you want to choose, but you get the idea. You have to try though, or you may regret it later. If there still is no passion, then sadly, I would end it. Like the other poster said, passion and sex are important. If your just not attracted to the person, while you may not cheat, you'll fantasize more. That's not a great thing, no matter what some may say. Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 Good post, Pyroguy. I think it's about what you are willing to settle for. In my younger days, I dated a few guys who were extremely sweet and nice and all, but I wasn't attracted to them. One of them professed his undying love to me and wanted to get married. I broke it off. Could NOT see bedding this guy for the next 50+ years. (And he wasn't too shabby in bed, either.) He then met a great gal and they have a nice family and relationship. When my H and I met, there were so many sparks and pheromones in the air that birds flying overhead got confused and lost their course! But over a decade and 4 babies later, I and he have certainly changed in many ways both physical and otherwise. And birds have no trouble charting their course over our bedroom most of the time now. We certainly are having some issues this past year. I'm trying to work on my end of that deal. I hope he's trying on his end, too. But we're still married, despite the loss of hot passion (currently). Our relationship goes so much deeper than the initial sparks, that sometimes thinking about the sparks makes me smile knowingly because we would have never made it on sparks alone, just as I could never make it this long (or eternally) with someone who didn't at one point (or most of the time) light my fire, so to speak. I certainly know people who marry for things other than attraction (initial, or otherwise), and they are ok with it. Link to post Share on other sites
couggrl Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 Thank you all very much. you all have pretty much the same. I think i need to find out more information of this "lack of attraction." why he feels this way.. What he feels for me actually.. Does he feel like he can't get anyone else, is he afraid of being with the first gf he has ever had forever. ME i have been married, engaged, and many relationships. It could be possible we are at two different points in our lives... Link to post Share on other sites
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