sad&confused Posted December 6, 2006 Share Posted December 6, 2006 Hi there, this is my 1st time doing this sort of thing, but I didn't know where else to turn. I am hoping you guys can shed some light on this for me and help me deal with this. I have been seriously involved with a great guy for 9 months now. He is fantastic guy except for the fact that he is an alcoholic and he has serious issues mentally because of it. For example...he's a sweet gentle pussycat at times and can turn into a mean uncaring monster. I know he loves me dearly and I love him alot too, but how or what do I do to get him to stop his drinking and stop the way that he becomes at times??? He can totally flip out on the drop of a hat. And when he does, he's verbally abusive, never physical but emotional abuse is just as bad. I have told him he needs to stop drinking because of how he becomes and he knows he has a serious problem, I have even told him and his family that I want to have an intervention for him and get him sent away to get help with this, because I don't believe he can stop on his own. There's so much more I can say but I don't know where to begin. So I thought I'd start by this. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with him or this, please share with me. I would appreciate all and ay advice given. I am a very happy go lucky person who tires her best to make the best of a bad situation and always sees the best in people, but I don't think that's going to get my anywhere with this. I do love him with all of my heart and want to do all that I can to help him, but what do I do??? Thanks for reading and look forwward to hearing what you guys might have to say. Desperately looking for answers! Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 He has to want to help himself. If he doesn't want to stop drinking and being verbally abusive, then there nothing that you can do to help him. Does he want to do anything about this or is this just you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sad&confused Posted December 7, 2006 Author Share Posted December 7, 2006 He says he wants to help himself and stop drinking, but doing it is a different story. That's the sad thing about it...he knows he needs help and wants to stop, but he must not want it bad enough if he doesn't do it. Thanks for replying Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 Sure. You'll probably get more replys so just check back later. I don't have a ton of expereinced with the whole drinking thing but others do. I have more with the verbal abuse and he should know that what he is doing is not right nor appropriate. Also the verbal does lead eventually to physical. When he gets drunk enough and loses his temper, that one time he may hit you. Just know that. I will tell you that your in a bad situation and that you should consider leaving but I know you won't. In order for him to change. He has to want to do it, then seek counseling, then stop the abuse and drinking all together. Thats going to be very hard for him to do. Plus he has to realize what he was doing was wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sad&confused Posted December 7, 2006 Author Share Posted December 7, 2006 Thanks alot for your advice. I appreciate it! I am just trying to figure out what to do or say to make him stop. I hope you're wrong on the pysical abuse. He is very much against that, so I can't see him ever hitting me. He's punched walls or thrown things, but hasn't come close to hitting me at all. He's actually even said he would never hit me. He does realize that what he says and does is very wrong, and he always apologizes after the fact, but I just wished he would want to stop bad enough to actually do it. I'm hoping it changes, I guess I'll just have to wait and see if it does. Thanks again! Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 Thanks alot for your advice. I appreciate it! I am just trying to figure out what to do or say to make him stop. I hope you're wrong on the pysical abuse. He is very much against that, so I can't see him ever hitting me. He's punched walls or thrown things, but hasn't come close to hitting me at all. He's actually even said he would never hit me. He does realize that what he says and does is very wrong, and he always apologizes after the fact, but I just wished he would want to stop bad enough to actually do it. I'm hoping it changes, I guess I'll just have to wait and see if it does. Thanks again! O so he's already doing the physical. Give it time, he may do it. I don't know but what he says and does it two separate things in this situation. I think you need to do some searching about "cycle of abuse" and look at it closely and see how it relates to you. Is he willing to go into therapy and stop drinking right now? Here's a link here. Check this thread out and see for yourself. There is a lot of good information here that you should read. Please just read it. It's rather long but it's good: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t105360/ Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 Hi sad...I agree with ipanca, unless he wants to change yourself things cannot get better, only worse. And saying he wants to change has nothing to do with wanting to change. Also I don't think he is abusive becuase of alcohool use, that's just an excuse. Alcohool does not make anyone become one way or the other, it just lowers inhibitions so he is displaying the behavior that is already within him! I think there are alot of warning signs there....you should read this : http://www.drjoecarver.com/articles_loser.html Hope this helps, tell me what you think... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sad&confused Posted December 7, 2006 Author Share Posted December 7, 2006 Thanks guys for your help! I am at work today so I won't be able to reply until tomorrow because I am also going to my second job after this one. Fun wow :-) I look forward to reading what you guys sent me. Thanks again guys and have a great day ! I keep thinking I will see a rainbow at the end of all of this. I hope I'm right! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 He may never hit you when he's sober, (which is why he hits walls) but through in the mix of booze, and his anger, he could one day.... Good luck, and I hope he goes into detox. Definately have an intervention with his family, you and closest friends - Maybe with the support of everybody he'll go. Link to post Share on other sites
LaughMachine Posted December 7, 2006 Share Posted December 7, 2006 Don't just go tag along with him because you love him. Babying( not saying you are ) him and thinking he will change for the sake of your love isn't gonna be much help. You have to put your foot down for your sake and his sake. I say give a ultimadem....I know the addiction to alcohol can't be stopped cold turkey, but you gotta start somewhere. Does he achknowledge the fact that he has a problem? Does he understand and sympathsize with how his problem is hurting you and your relationship with eachother? He might be a completely different person when he is sober. but with addiction he has probaly gotten used to being drunk that even being sober won't help....You gotta lay down the line and be blunt about this...if he doesn't try to get help you need to leave this man.. Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 but be ready for him to get mad, throw a temper tantrum and just get down right rude. Thats not a bad thing, its a step. Its how it progresses after that thats important. If you do decide that an intervention is the way to go do it with professional help. And have Detox lined up right then. Dont allow an " I'll go tomorrow " It has to happen right away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sad&confused Posted December 10, 2006 Author Share Posted December 10, 2006 Hi guys, I know it may seem like he will hit me one day, but I really don't think he will. He has never hit a woman before. He's been an alcoholic for alot of years and has stopped before for a few months on his own but started drinking again. He was in a 16 yrs relationship and I know for fact he never laid a hand on her, he did alot of the same things with her though that he's doing with me. I am not so much concerned with the fact that he will hit me...because I don't think he has that in him. But I am just really concerned that he is ruining his health ad his life by drinking so much. I really do believe he wants to stop drinking because he sees what's it's doing to him and to us but I don't think he's 100% there yet. I just don't know if he can do it on his own, I don't think he can. He's got 3 or 4 different personalities because of his addiction, even his therapist tells him he's like that because of the drinking. One of you mentioned he's like this because it's in him, whether he drinks or not. Do you really think if he quits drinking that he'll still have this in him? He seems to be only like that either when he's drinking or when he knows he can't drink because he has to go to work. When he hasn't drank for 2 days because of the long hours he works and ca't drink because he's at work, he's excellent and he feels great and acts great. So does't this tell you that when he hasn't had any alcohol in him for a couple of days, he's who he should be...without the influence of alcohol? Guys he has alot of good qualities too...he's a really sweet man. But he can be a really mean man as well. I am just trying to figure out if he will be able to overcome this so that we have a normal life together. Do you guys think it's worth hanging onto? I believe in my heart that he's the one I would like to spend the rest of my life with...as long as this is something he can overcome. Now do I think I can hang in there if this continues? probably not, because I don't want this to ruin me as well, (mentally that is) Does this make sense? I do wanna follow through with the intervention. I think this will be his only way out.I know his family will all be backing me up and support me and him with this. We all want him to stop ruining himself, and this is what he's doing. I mentioned the intervention to him, and he seemed fine with the idea but than he said he wanted to try on his own 1st. Should I wait for him to try on his own? Or just do it without giving him the chance to try doing it himself? Thanks for all the advice guys, it really helps knowing there's people who actually care out there! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sad&confused Posted December 10, 2006 Author Share Posted December 10, 2006 Hey Ipanka & Cardplayer, I read that article on "The Loser" very interesting! If I had of read that years ago, it wouldn't have taken me so long to end my 16 & 1/2 year relationship to my ex husband. Alot of the things was like him, but I can tell you honestly that this guy I am with now is not like any of the things in that article. There are a couple of things that are a little bit like him, and just a little...but not anything even close to what the article states. Thanks for sending me the link to it. It was very interesting to read. Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted December 10, 2006 Share Posted December 10, 2006 Hi again...uhmm first of all, doesn't the intervention lose all its worth if it is announced first? I mean, the whole point of it is to shock someone that's in denial about their problem...all that's obviously gone now lol Personally I don't see how someone that is a good caring person inside turns into a monster when drinking...but even if that's the case, it doesn't really matter since he drinks all the time. Changing oneself is really a hard task very people manage to do...and from what you're saying it doesn't seem he really wants to, he's just saying it so he wouldn't get nagged about it. You probably don't have the heart to leave him now no matter what anyone tells you...but at least you can do this : give yourself and him an ultimatum...if he doesn't change in x months you leave for good...and stick to it! If you don't, he'll just keep promising to 'change' from now till 2050 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sad&confused Posted December 10, 2006 Author Share Posted December 10, 2006 You're right about the intervention. It is supposed to be something that the person doesn't know about...but it seems as though alot of people who are in this situation know about there addiction, it's just that they don't seem to get the help they need, so this is why we do it for them and also his mom mentioned that I should maybe say something to him, just to see what kind of reaction I got. And that's why I did it. As for giving him an ultimatum. I have told him that things need to change and he has promised that they will, but now I am waiting to see the proof. And you're right about giving him an amount of time and I have every intentions on doing that. I know if I keep just taking it that he will just not bother to quit drinking and he will think I will just keep taking it and taking it...which I have no intentions on doing. I do love him alot but I am also not going to stick around if I don't see that he means what he says and actually does something about it. I have been through too much BS in past relationships to do it all over again. Like I've said. "Life is too short" And all I am looking for as I am sure everyone else is, is happiness. Nothing more. just to be happy and to be treated the way I deserve to be. I am a very good person who treats people in the way I expect to be treated, so far that hasn't happened. But I do plan on getting that out of life, I really hope it can be with him, but if it's not, than I will just have to accept that and find it elsewhere. I also do realize it's easier for me to say this than actually do it. But I will say this" I will not stay with him if I see that he has no intentions on getting help. I'm almost 40 years old and I'm just not going to be sticking around and just hope that it gets better. I wanna see that it actually will. Thanks for all of replies! P.S. How do you post a pic on here? I tried to find out how, but can't seem to figure it out. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted December 10, 2006 Share Posted December 10, 2006 Ok you seem to be in the right state of mind for this...keep us posted on how it goes if you will... As for the picture, click on My profile / CP in the top left of the screen, then "Edit Avatar" and you can figure it out from there... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sad&confused Posted December 11, 2006 Author Share Posted December 11, 2006 Yes Card, I am trying my hardest to be in the right frame of mind...and yes I will keep you guys posted for sure. By the way, since the last event which was 5 days ago, he's been excellent! I told him it has to stop and I told him in a way which I think I mean business this time, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed! By the way, thanks for telling me how to get a pic on here. So I am curious Card, it says you're a supporting member, so does this mean, you're on here for the sole purpose of supporting others only? Or do you have things you need to talk about on here as well? I'm just curious I'm new to this sort of thing...so I'm a virgin at this lol. But you do seem to have a good head on your shoulders, and so far everything you've said to me makes sense. Thanks again & take care! Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted December 11, 2006 Share Posted December 11, 2006 lol thanks...nah supporting member is anyone that pays a small fee...you just get no ads and more pms stuff like that Glad things are improving...but so far it means nothing, if he's addicted to booze I don't see how he can just get cold turkey by himself like that for a long time...has he joined an AA program or counselling? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sad&confused Posted December 11, 2006 Author Share Posted December 11, 2006 Aww, I get it now lol He hasn't joined anything as yet, but after January which is his brother's wedding in florida (his family and me are all going too) he's the best man in it. I told him if he doesn't quit on his own that he will need to do something. If I see that he doesn't within a month at the very latest of coming back from Florida, I will get the Intervention going...and he will have to go away for at least 3 months. I a hoping that he can do it on his own, but somehow thinking he won't be able to, so I'll do it for him, with the help of his family too of course. I will make sure it's all set up with his work ect...and than him getting better will begin. I know it will be a very hard thing for him and me because he'll be gone for a while, but at least I'll be able to go visit him there. But I know this will be the best thing for him!!! He'll be a new person. It's gonna be a super tough step for him, but in the end it will all be worth it. As long as he doesn't go back to drinking once he's done the program. I will do everything in my power to make sure he doesn't. I am just trying to stay positive about the whole situation, if I don't try and stay positive, I'll lose it. And that's not something I want to have happen. I know there will be a beautiful rainbow at the end of all of this. I just can't wait to see it! Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted December 12, 2006 Share Posted December 12, 2006 Hey...you're a good person for trying to help him, but I'd like to stress that you also need to help yourself, it's going to be hard emotionally.... Maybe you should go into counselling yourself just to deal with the emotional overload...and don't have your expectations too high so if he fails you could still land on your feet....Truth is more people fail than succeed where kicking an addiction is concerned Link to post Share on other sites
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