Worth saving at this point?

[Guest]

Hi Guys, I'm in desperate need of some help right now, so any advice you could give would be wonderful

 

The last couple of weeks have been pretty hellish. I came home early from work to find my girlfriend of two years with another guy from her work. I'm really In love with this girl, even now, and I need some unbiased advice from you as to what I should do.

 

When I came home, I basically made them leave, and told her to get her **** out. I saw it coming, things had gotten pretty sour between us. Awhile back she asked for some time and I never gave it to her, but supposedly we were giving things another chance. It didnt happen that way, it seems like things were just getting worse.

 

Anyway, for the next few days she tried to apologize to me and told me she still loved me, I said some pretty horrible things to her. I lived in hell, alone, for days that seemed to last weeks. The next day, she wanted to talk on the phone so she was supposed to call, but never did... and I got scared for her.. I didnt know where she was and I know that she was in a pretty bad situation, she was sleeping in her car or with random friends.

 

Anyway, she spent the night with me the night after that, and everything came out. I made her write me a letter telling me exactly what happened and I apologized for some things I did in the past but was never able to apologize for, some pretty horrible things (not cheating), but I was pretty sure led to what happened. She said she didnt love this guy, and it just happened because it was an escape from her unhappiness at home.

 

She regrets letting everything happen, and I do believe her. I also told her that For me to consider taking her back, she would have to move back in with her parents, and quit her job, which would entail her leaving her friends and this **** behind. Originally I would only give her a few days to make this choice, but after talking, she wanted to make sure this was something she would be 100% ready for this, and that she was really scared. Shes always moved around, and she has finally become comfortable in what she's doing and her friends.

 

In the meantime, she has moved back in with her parents, which she was scared to death of doing. But she has been really worried about giving up her job and friends to move on with me. I can't explain to you guys how freaking hurt I've been feeling, but I'm sure some of you know how that is.

 

So, I basically wanted to know if I'm a fool for giving this girl a second chance to break my heart, or does it sound like I'm doing the right thing? I've tried being so understanding about everything, but it is pretty hard.

 

I know giving up everything to move on is a very hard thing to ask, but I had no choice in her betraying our relationship and trust. Everyone I know that knows us is telling me to RUN RUN RUNNN but an unbiased opinion would be amazing

 

Thanks so much for listening

 

-mike

[ashlei171]

To be quite honest with you... you say you love her but how much does she really love you to do that to you. She says that it just happened, but she wasnt like at work in the closet with this guy, she was in your home... very big insult to begin with. Another thing that makes me think is that... do you often get off work early??? If so... maybe this was a plea to get caught. If thats the case... I would advise you to "proceed with caution". I dont think that asking her to move out is extreme, she should after that.... But, Is this a very good job or can she find one equally good without much trying??? If its no big deal then yeah tell her to quit, but if not maybe just be careful.... I think every relationship deserves a second chance once.... only once... if it were to happen again that should be it.... I would also advise you to "start all over" with your relationship from the begining.. there aren't any children involved right??? Start with dates and eventually if deserved trust will begin to build again...

Good LUCK!!!

[tikigods]

Your relationship sounds dead in the water. Not only did she cheat on you, but she did it in your own home right where you could see when you got back in. It sounds like she has wanted a way out for awhile now and you keep holding on, so she is just going to do whatever she can till you findlaly tell her its over.

[slimmontana]

I feel for you man, First things first can you erase that picture in your mind of seeing her with another man? Thats a major obstacle..Obviously you guys have some other issues besides this that you need to work on. Its going to take time. Its definitley a longshot that you guys are going to be in a relationship again.. You ask if its worth saving? Deep down only you too know the answer to that. I think you have to start new and start focusing on yourself and try to make yourself happy. Because thinking about all of that will just destroy you on the inside and then it may start affecting other areas of your life. So take a break from that whole situation...I leave you with this advice "Take the pain as a way to make you a better person as a whole and to prepare you for someone better in your life. I know it sucks right now..but BELIEVE ME You will get through IT!!

[Guest]

Thank you so much for the advice, it really helps. Something snapped inside me last night, and I decided today that she should get the rest of her stuff out and never speak with each other again... I know the other guy isn't all the way out of her life... I had given her a second chance, a few months ago when I found out she was talking to a guy from new york via emails. I saw the signs before it happened , all throughout this, and now that I look back I see that I was waaaay too forgiving about everything. Hopefully someone else can benefit from my situation and listening to my story. If there are ever signs, or evidence, or a gut feeling, you have to pay attention to it. If you've got doubt in your mind, you have to follow through with it. And if you ever show a woman that you'll put up with her stuff, she will take advantage of it.

 

I was probably encouraging her behavior by putting up with it. I really regret that, but if you love someone, your mind can become easily clouded, because you see what you want to see and hear what you want to hear. If the other person is really in it, they would do anything it takes to remove any doubt from your mind about something like this.

 

I will work on myself during this time.. Its easy to have doubts about my own self worth, but I know it wasnt my fault in this case. I never did anything to deserve this treatment from the person closest from me.

 

Thanks again, Mike

[Madeamistake]

I feel for you man, First things first can you erase that picture in your mind of seeing her with another man? Thats a major obstacle..Obviously you guys have some other issues besides this that you need to work on. Its going to take time. Its definitley a longshot that you guys are going to be in a relationship again.. You ask if its worth saving? Deep down only you too know the answer to that. I think you have to start new and start focusing on yourself and try to make yourself happy. Because thinking about all of that will just destroy you on the inside and then it may start affecting other areas of your life. So take a break from that whole situation...I leave you with this advice "Take the pain as a way to make you a better person as a whole and to prepare you for someone better in your life. I know it sucks right now..but BELIEVE ME You will get through IT!!

 

I agree with slimmontana completely!

 

Take a break from all the drama in your life! Take care of yourself more importantly! Being alone is not such a scary thing at all! Give it a week or two and you will see that it will get easier! You will also start to see things from a more rational point of view. Bare in mind that you may need to breathe and look at things without being too emotional, as you are at present! If she is patient with you to allow that then she truly loves you. If she is too impatient, then she is only scared to lose you - nothing else!

Give it time! If its meant to be, it will happen! If not, then there is something better for you out there!

 

Good luck!

[Bryanp]

I think you made the correct decision. The fact that she was living in your home and brought another guy over into your home and screwed him in your shared bed showed that she had absolutely no respect for you and basically defacated on your relationship. Clearly she was getting a perverse thrill screwing behind your back in your bed and in your home. It really sounds like she was using you for a place to stay. Yes you were way too forgiving. I guarantee you that this was the first time she had sex with this guy based on what you have written. Move on and don't look back. I wish you luck.

[samsungxoxo]

Let me get this straight, you actually saw her having full blown sex with another dude as you came and in YOUR OWN HOUSE, damn that's insulting and a deal-breaker to almost everyone. Are you sure you gonna get that image out of your mind, seriously, for most people, catching their loved ones in the act would be a total break-up.

This makes me think that now she's putting an act, she wanted to be caught in the first place, and now that she can't have her cake and eat it, she will be more discreet now.

[Guest]

Let me get this straight, you actually saw her having full blown sex with another dude as you came and in YOUR OWN HOUSE, damn that's insulting and a deal-breaker to almost everyone. Are you sure you gonna get that image out of your mind, seriously, for most people, catching their loved ones in the act would be a total break-up.

This makes me think that now she's putting an act, she wanted to be caught in the first place, and now that she can't have her cake and eat it, she will be more discreet now.

 

No, I almost never come home from work early. I work 3rd shift at a job about 30 minutes away from home. When I came home that night, I had a gut feeling that I was going to find something.. I can't describe it, but I knew I was going to find something. When I turned down my street, I saw a car I didn't recognize... and came upstairs to a dark house. When I walked in I had a sigh of relief.. I thought she was just out with her friends and left their cars at home. About 30 seconds later she came downstairs, fully clothed, and She just looked down.

 

I asked her who else was here and she said the guys name, and Then he came down, and said "She's not a possession" and "she pays rent here too". She had everyone including the guy and her friends under the impression that we were just roomates. I went ape****, and you know the rest.

[Guest]

!

 

Take a break from all the drama in your life! Take care of yourself more importantly! Being alone is not such a scary thing at all! Give it a week or two and you will see that it will get easier! You will also start to see things from a more rational point of view. Bare in mind that you may need to breathe and look at things without being too emotional, as you are at present! If she is patient with you to allow that then she truly loves you. If she is too impatient, then she is only scared to lose you - nothing else!

Give it time! If its meant to be, it will happen! If not, then there is something better for you out there!

 

Good luck!

.

Thanks so much for all of your advice. It means so much to hear this from people. I don't know if me telling her to never speak to me again was a good choice. I made sure that she was aware that there was no hope in me ever talking to her again. I don't know, I guess anyone would have second thoughts about something so huge but maybe it will cause her to fully realize everything she's done and she'll change because of it. One can only hope. Even so, with me telling her that do you think somewhere in her mind things could work out even at this point?

 

I think theres something sick in her mind where she gets off on the excitement of all of this, like it's some game or something. From the way she cried last week, I felt like she really did regret what happened, doing this to me. Like I said before, I've been really spineless in taking her back with things.. I think that is my biggest weakness. I've sacrificed my own happiness too much for hers.

 

This weekend is going to be rough. I can't help but think that when I go to work, shes going to see that guy again. I know after this point I might not be able to go back.. There's a hope in my mind that maybe she'll quit her job (it's not a great one, a hostess at a restaurant), break contact with the guy and get a new job like I asked.

 

I know that If we were ever together again, I'd have to quit my current job, and maybe get one with her somewhere. That sucks because I cant trust her alone. I mean, next time things get bad with us, what's to say I wouldn't do the same thing? We had something pure and sacred and like one of you guys said, she defecated on that. If I'm with her, I'm going to have to live with the fact for the rest of my life. gjraw;oigjkjfdslkfj

 

Ok I'm done now

Thanks

 

Mike

[Guest]

 

Hopefully someone else can benefit from my situation and listening to my story. If there are ever signs, or evidence, or a gut feeling, you have to pay attention to it. If you've got doubt in your mind, you have to follow through with it. And if you ever show a woman that you'll put up with her stuff, she will take advantage of it.

 

I was probably encouraging her behavior by putting up with it. I really regret that, but if you love someone, your mind can become easily clouded, because you see what you want to see and hear what you want to hear. If the other person is really in it, they would do anything it takes to remove any doubt from your mind about something like this.

 

 

There are countless examples of this. See http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t98644/ for one