Is my ex rebounding, or am I holding on to false hope ... for no good reason?

[cole]

I am hoping that some of you may be able to point me in the right direction on this one, though I’m pretty sure I’m already driving the wrong way down a one-way street!

To begin with, my ex, with whom I’ve had a roller-coaster relationship with from day 1 (when I was dating his roommate … another story), suffers from relationship claustrophobia (ahem … commitment phobe). We dated for 2 ½ years, following a strange interlude that happened the 2 years before when I did not live in town. He’s done all the typical too-afraid-to-love but too-afraid-to-be-alone crap over the years – winning me over, only to turn the praise to criticism, dumping me to be with “alone” (with other women), then relentlessly seeking my affection, refusing to communicate, either by shutting down, or by finding faults that hinder his ability to clearly see the future or how he will feel.

I came back into our relationship last year ready to really work on it, and I truly did. Him? Not so much. But, it must also be said that I adopted the belief that if I just rode out my frustrations, if I could be patient and let it flow, then he would come closer rather than pushing away … this tactic ultimately led to my emotional explosion, and our break-up. I kept it all in. Once I had a couple drinks one night, after numerous attempts to have an honest discussion with him, I pretty much blacked out and lost control.

So, as it often happens when one partner relies on blame to solve problems, the split was my fault. I think his passive-aggressiveness played a part, but … I was playing a role too.

Because we ended it, as we have the times before, on such a discordant note, I decided that maybe what we (but I should’ve been thinking I) needed a few months to get our own heads together, that we, as two adults, could possibly work through this breakdown and learn from it, and I thought this because we loved each other. Our time together was usually amazing, but it always felt too much like a game and I became very insecure.

So, we broke-up, and though he refused to talk to me any other way than through email/text, we did meet up for dinner 3 weeks after the split, and he would stay in contact, assuring me that he loved me and that he was taking some personal time to sit with himself and face some of his issues.

He left out the part about his neighbor, however, and though I figured it out prior to meeting her in a very public way, he has yet to ever say her name to me, much less mention he has a girlfriend, though she’s the reason he wouldn’t meet up to see me (“it wouldn’t be fair right now”).

And now the point of all this (thanks for reading if you’ve made it this far!) – he didn’t wait more than a week before he was with her, and …some mutual friends have implied he may have been visiting her while I was still in the picture. To make matters all the more, odd, (THIS IS RUDE, BUT A FAIR AND WIDELY AGREED-UPON ASSESSMENT – NOT MEANT TO OFFEND THO!) she’s very unattractive and has a history of controlling, obnoxious behavior and an eating disorder (he often stated he would never date a girl who had an eating disorder, or if the grew pleasantly plump, which she certainly has).

To top it off, he’s cut himself off most of his friends, to the point where his roommate is moving out. The weirdest part? Many of his friends proclaim that she is an awful lot like me, so much so that she’s like a replacement … though my ex actually got mad at his friend for saying such things. “knowing that what he said would upset me.”

But … he’s still with her, a few months later. I don’t get it!

My question – wouldn’t someone who is so protective of his space have difficulties dating his next-door neighbor (one he very much disliked for the two years prior and made fun of a lot?)? And why had he been trying so hard (running after me after the three of us had our ill-fated encounter, attempting to soothe me, keep his options open … AGAIN) to still have me in his life? Is this a rebound for him?

I read him the riot act last week, belatedly imposing my need for space so that I could heal, and I said awful things – honest and true, from my perspective, mind you, but horrendously mean – so the chance that he’d ever want to work on us is basically kaput.

But if any of you had insight I would so appreciate it! I’m pretty sure that the best thing for me to do is get him behind me, but … I loved him dearly, faults and all, and I can’t seem to let go.

I still miss him, even though I hate him right now.

And I hate his stupid neighbor too ... but I don't want to, since I get the impression she's going to get pretty hurt by my ex as well.

 

Help?

[Guest]

if i may, allow me to provide some advice regarding this because i went through the same thing - please listen to this. if this person left u, and has done nc with you, and u continue to believe that somehow translates into her wanting u back, you will only harm your mind, body and soul and if u already know she is dating - isn't that enough? i have posted in here about how much i dislike the use of nc because it truly is a horrible thing to do to anyone. the people that say they like it are the ones that apply it and anyone that does that is playing a selfish game and have no regard for u as a person.

 

what nc did for me was allow her to manipulate me and punish me in ways that truly shocked me. i can now say with utter conviction and without a trace of anger that the woman i thought i loved, i simply do not and quite possibly never did once she decided to behave as she did and she could not have possibly loved me and done what she did from the shadows. we may have been 'in love' briefly but it is impossible to love someone and sit back and do nothing. and i am aware that there is no requirement for her to be compassionate, kind or understanding towards me - and she hasn't. i can now look back over our storyline and when i was struggling, i told her something that holds true now - that when u know the other person is aware of the pain and suffering they are inflicting and that what u gave was more than 100% and they discount all that - how does one believe in love with that person - you don't. the very things she despises in me are the very things she should be fortunate to have experienced, how many men will share the heights and depths of humanity so openly with someone and challenge them in ways that are self rewarding and believe that is somehow loose change. i am proud she saw me in every way and i shared whatever i had with her without question - and what influence her actions has in regards to loving me are none and i have returned the gift.

 

all she is now too me is a representation, she is the rope i use to place around my neck and the mirror i look into to see what being with her has done to my life. this is not blaming her or holding her responsible, these actions are mine but her role is intertwined because of the relationship and her refusal to care is projected to me and is directly related to me going thru things. she taught me that years ago. she told me, you get what u give, and i looked at her with amazement - as she directed every word with precious precision and then walked away. all she is associated with now to me are emotions such as sadness, pain, despair and the fact that this has become so prolonged is a testament to her acceptance that she would rather see me vacant and crippled before uttering a sound and it has finally sunk in how horrible and without compassion that truly is. i am not anchored to her anymore - all that is left is these outpouring of words that soon will run dry from lack of worthiness.

 

so, all that to say, women that do stuff like that - stay far away from.

[badz2801]

Um...

 

I am in a similar scenario, and the best advice I can give you is to walk away.

 

You’re trying to swim up-stream with someone who is pouring water down the river.

 

You sound like the type who which can endure a lot knowing that love isn't perfect. A serious desire to be with someone who really loves you and you offer love in return.

 

Best advice....he seems like the only one (for whatever reason)...but I assure you the right one will show his true intent. The happy hose **** about him hooking up with someone else is a clear example of moving on (or a clear need for attention - no this does not mean things will be different between you two). Look at his actions not his words (works for both female and male).

 

Point being...don't hang onto someone which does not respect you or offer a true commitment. You may be alone, you may miss him; but why settle for someone which clearly does not have the same values.

 

Get busy doing something; you never know ...that odd guy you never considered might just find you.

 

This wont change the hurt you feel or the memories you share... but it just might help you to see how love is blind...and you should look for the guy willing to give his all (I assure you they are out there, just don't look for them at a bar)

[D-Lish]

A CP is very bad news. I've dated them, I'm sure most of us had had our hearts ripped out by one.

 

All that disrespect and manipulation, the push-pull, come here no go away, crap will never change. I am sure this girl is a rebound and that he will be back if he sees you moving on... but maybe you can see this as an opportunity to get out while you can.

 

You seem like a level headed, articulate woman. SO I know you see the whole picture exactly as it is. You deserve better, he's betrayed you in the past, he's betraying you right now.

 

It hurts like hell, believe me, I know... but run for the hills!

D

[cole]

"Look at his actions not his words (works for both female and male)."

 

" All that disrespect and manipulation, the push-pull, come here no go away, crap will never change."

----------------

I want to reject what you both say, think that we're "different" (of course ... ugh), but I so get what you are saying, and ... I feel it too, if that makes sense.

What helps so much is to hear it from you, rather than my confused head! Rationalizing and/or idealizing (one and the same at this point) the situation is so tempting, and I've been doing it for too long.

I believe it's not me, it's not her, it's - HIM. But that doesn't matter, does it? It's my responsibility to let go for my own good! He has admitted - a week ago - that he knows he's stuck in the same destructive patterns (he likes to keep it vague, he's "sensitive to our situation" - whatever), and if he knows that but refuses to address his issues, then I can't go back.

But I want to like nothing before sometimes! I miss the hugs, I think. Honestly.

I sincerely want to forgive myself, and him. You have both reminded me that the smartest move is right there, regardless of his idiocy. I don't have to play dead. I can do for myself, and whether or not he will or won't is incidental.

I am sad that there are people who would rather bulldoze their way through life - and others - when they know better. Maybe that's the lesson I can grow from?

What happened with your relationships? What has helped? What has hurt? How are you doing? I'd love to hear!

Thank you. So much.

[Guest]

i am doing everything i possibly can to end my battle, but, i keep running up against the fact me ex sees me as a monster. and that hurts deeply

 

i know that all i need is a letter or a voice mesage from her saying that she doesn't see me as some horrible monster and that she understands i did my best. is that asking to much?

 

i would never reply or contact her again. i just need forgiveness. i know everyone says that's wrong but its really all i need and i know i will never get it.

 

i would appreciate your advice.

[cole]

Why do you think she thinks you're a monster?