Pre-Wedding Issues

[winchester]

I am getting married in the Spring to a great woman. However, I am having a couple issues with the whole situation (some of which I had before we got engaged). I have been fairly sexualy active in my life (26 years) and have been with a couple dozen different partners, and experienced a broad spectrum of healthy sexual activity. My fiance (of two years) has had only one previous relationship of five years; this guy she dated is the only person she has had sexual intecourse with.

 

Let me get the self efacing comments out of the way first; I know how I feel is petty, and insecure, but I am having trouble changing my perspective and thoughts on the following issues (hence my posting here).

 

From the jump I have been insecure over her five year relationship; constantly while we were dating I felt as if I could never compete with all that history. Now that we are engaged, the feeling has NOT deminished at all. Furthermore, I feel jealous of her losing her virginity to that guy. I know that I have no right to feel that way, seeing as how I lost mine long before her, and have had exponentialy more partners than her. So why do I? It's almost as if I would rather her have been with more guys so I would not have such a distinct counterpart to compare to. Suggestions?

 

Onto the marriage jitters. I have them. Most days I am overwhelmed by how much I love my fiance, and by how much she returns the emotion. But then I go through days where I think the grass might be a little greener on the other side; I begin to think about my past and how much I enjoyed the promiscuous lifestyle. I catch myself doubting my ability to stay faithful. Is this normal? Sometimes those thoughts even stray as far as for me to want to 'enjoy' my last few months of unmarried life; is this normal?

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post, and respond; your comments are greatly appreciated.

[BareGoddess]

You're not ready for marriage in my opinion. Your "grass is greener" thoughts and the fact that you have trouble with the idea of monogamy confirms this for me.

 

I say wait. It will be right when you have your playing around out of your system and don't have those thoughts anymore.

[Walk]

Personally, and I might be off base here. I don't think you're insecure about her loss of virginity to someone else, but you feel like you're not capable of stustaining a long term relationship and it's her previous relationship that causes you to think that you aren't measuring up. I think you feel that you are lacking whatever her ex gave her that made her stay for 5 years. Self-doubt, insecurity as to your ability to give her enough to stay with you for life.. not just a few years.

 

Also think that maybe you see the grass as greener because it seems "easier" then what you face. No obligation to those other women, no need to step up to the plate day after day for the rest of your life. Just purely physical release and then no obligations afterward. Easier. Seems safer because that's what you've known. I think this whole long term, for life, idea scares the crap out of you.

 

Like I said, I might be wrong. I don't know if it's a good idea to get married with the way you are feeling. But I'm not sure what to suggest other than maybe you could talk to a counselor about how you're feeling. Someone who can help walk you through the rational behind your feelings, and show you where the illogical parts are and how to resolve those.

 

How long have you two been together? And how long have you been officially engaged?

[bab]

I know how you feel about her having dated only one other person and for so long. When I had been dating my now H for 1 month he told me that he had only been in one other relationship, and that one lasted for 6 years. At first I felt like he was cheating on her with me. I know, that's illogical, they were broken up, but wow, what history. When my H and I got married, we had been dating for 5 1/2 years. I remember thinking how strange it was that I still wasn't his longest relationship. When we passed the 6th year mark together I felt this sense of relief and satisfaction. Irrational? Yes. He married me and broke up with her. Real? Yes. The key is to remember that these thoughts and feelings are irrational. Your fiance is with you because you are the man she wants to be with. If she wanted to be with with her ex, she would be.

 

As far as the grass is greener, it really depends on how intense these feelings are. I think it's natural to be scared about making suck a huge life decision and the grass is greener syndrome is a symptom of this fear. On the other hand you know deep down if that's all this is, or if you really don't want to marry her. It takes a big person to be honest with themselves, but you really need to do that before both of you get hurt.

 

Good luck!