whats going on?

[stanchain]

My ex just showed up with her new friend in the car... she comes in and starts checking to see if I have any girls in the house... what kind of stuff is that. Now face to face she tells me that her and him are just friends and are not intimate at all.... I dont know what to believe... she is acting like a jealous girlfriend.... even though we arent together... but yet she is kicking it with some guy.... please somebody explain.Oh and she has text messaged me like... 6 times today and called me like 2 times... she was mad because i would not answer. And because i changed my phone number on her... she was calling my old phone. Saying that she wanted to hear my voice and doesnt want me changing my number cause otherwise how would she talk ot me. And then she says she is happy that I bought her another fish because that means that our love is not dead(bought her a fish on our one year anniversary). I dont really understand what is going on here... but I was trying to have NC, but she is not allowing it at all... dont get me wrong I want her back and such, but i dont understand what game she is playing

[Gunny376]

Things that make me go hmmmmmmmmmmmm!

 

You're not married?

 

You're not shacking up?

 

You don't have kids together?

 

You don't have shared "pets"

 

She's got what the other 3-1/2 billion other women on the planet don't have?

 

She just showed up with her "new" friend at your house?

 

And the reason you want to be with her is because?

[stanchain]

Well he did not come in the house... he sat in the car... she made some stupid reason to stop by our place. Said she had a computer cord that I had been asking her for. But then when she came in she started looking around. Why do I want her? I have no clue. I keep trying to answer that question myself. Other than the fact I have spent damn near every day for the last 3 years with her... not really sure

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

Question: Were you once married to her? and Why did you and her separate?

 

I think she's playing game with you. She likes the attention it brings her.

 

Plus, she knows being in your face and teasing you will bring out your jealous side.

 

I don't even think you know what you're doing. You've got to have a plan of action.

 

Sand&Water

[stanchain]

Well the reason we seperated is because well i am not sure. she said that I never would go over to her parents house with her... felt like I did not like her family. and because I work a lot of hours and depended on her to take care of my son. Now I have a sitter and such... and she was all happy about that. My plan of action was NC and hope she come back... but like today if i do not respond to her text or phone she trips out

[stanchain]

She does not want to be with me but does not want me forgetting about her or giving up on her.

[Krytellan]

She sounds a little behind on the maturity scale to me. The man in the car was nothing but a way to get you to take notice of her and to be jealous. She staged the whole thing to get you worked up. I TOTALLY agree with Gunny. Seems like kind of a ho-hum decision, but then, I didn't invest my life in her.

 

Good luck to you. I suggest moving on from it the best you can.

[Dad_of_3]

Ok .... I think I have read a million times from Gunny even this one aspect of things.

 

You've separated, she's with a new man.

 

What she got that the 3.5 billion other women on this planet dont have ?

 

Take this time to step back and rediscover yourself.

 

From what I am reading, you seem a little unsure of yourself. IF you are trying for NC, then there are ways to counter her actions.

She calls, "this isnt a good time for you"

She comes around, did you just run out of cream for your coffee ?

 

I'm not saying be a bastard about things, there is a right and wrong way to do things. If you are doing it out of spite, then I have nothing for you. But if you are doing it out of self-care, then you are taking the right steps.

 

As for not forgetting about her or giving up on her, maybe just maybe she needs a strong dose of reality. You are moving forward in life, it'd be 'nice and grand' if she came along, but you are moving on.

Life keeps going on during all this.

 

And as Gunny would say again ... This aint no practice session !

[stanchain]

Hey thanks for the advice... I am not doing NC out of spite. I love her, whether that makes me dumb or not I am not sure. what I do know is that without her I feel lost. There is not one thing I do that does not remind me of her. Everything i have read said that if you want to have a chance and working things out you need to break off contact to give her a chance to miss you and to let her have time to forget about some of the negative things that have happen. But on the other hand I am just confused as to what she is doing? I mean she does not show that she has given up on what we had, or stopped loving me... that is why I am so confused... she has this new friend, swears nothing is going on. whether he is or isnt I am not concerned. What concerns me is her intentions... is she just playing with my emotions... or is she just confused as me

[Dad_of_3]

She maybe, she maybe not.

I cant read my stbxw thoughts ... I've given up on that pipedream.

 

But you know what you can do ? What about you ?

I've come to sense alot about what she is doing ?

Is she confused ? Why is she doing this ? Is she playing with my emotion ?

 

I dont know if you will come up with those answers or not. But what I do know is you can control and understand yourself.

 

Love is not dumb, it can be blind sometimes, but never dumb.

Why is it you feel lost without her ? I can tell you why I did ... but only you can answer that for yourself.

I know it may seem hard now, but can you imagine a time when you where happy when she wasnt in your life?

As a kid learning to ride a bike? That rush that you did it !

Going on a camping trip with your friends? Mates having a grand old time when times where simpler

As a teenager dreaming of your dream career? Where you wanted to be and the rush it gave you !

Happiness is there, I'm not going to lie to you, it isnt a cake walk what you are going through. No one will ever understand what you are going through, but they can certainly feel what you are going through.

 

Starting point for me, was reading up. Truly reading and being open to learning no matter where it came from.

Books, websites, LS, friends and family are all there for you to grab a hold of.

 

Ok you say she has not showed you she has given up on what you had or showed she stopped loving you?

What has she shown to show you she still does?

 

I dont mean to sound harsh, but I'm really on a misson at the moment with people doubting their own self worth. There own value.

I ask you, how much do you value yourself ?

Whether in right or in the wrong, you cant let go of that.

[stanchain]

Well I have been reading up... alot... i mean that is how I found this site. You say to go back to a time I was happy, well that isnt the easiest thing to do. I mean yeah mentally I can think about and realize that I have been happy without her in my life. But see dad the problem is growing up I was always a player. Never had been faithful, never found a woman that I felt completed me that I could spend the rest of my life with. Until now. Over the last 3 years we had been wokring on a kid, talked about marriage and all of that good stuff and it got me really excited. I guess you can say that I wanted that american dream. not to say it is not going to happen with somebody else. But I am 29 now and it has taken me this long ot really open up an dlet somebody in. I believe that is what it is making it so hard. As far as self value goes. I know I am a good catch for somebody. I mean I am attractive, intelligent, have a great job.. so on and so forth. So as far as self value goes I have that. Maybe a lil down on myself right now... But for the last 3 years it was her face that I came home to, her face that helped motivate me(notice i said helped), it wsa her that held me on bad days at work.... it is hard to just let go when you can see in her face, and hear in her voice that she still cares. She has said time and time again that she does not think it is over and she just needs some time. I mean we have said some things to one another that hurt. But I am not sure if she needs the time to just completely let go... or if her heart is going to bring her back to me... ya know what i mean

[Gunny376]

What she's doing "emotionally" is hitting you "whoops" upside the head with a 2x4 trying to get you to wake tha' **** up, as to what her emotional needs are ~ which btw you're not meeting.

 

The coming over with the "friend" was very much signalling to you that she's capable of finding someone else to meet her needs, if you can't or won't. The cord was just an excuse.

 

I don't think she's fooling around with the OM ~ yet! And, I think she wants to work things out with you. But you've "disted'" her by not interacticing with her family. And, by working all those hours might have meant that you were a good provider, but you're not meeting her emotional needs.

 

This screams at me that in her head ~ what she's thinking is: "Hell all I am to this guy is a piece of azz, a babysitter, bottle washer, and a maid! Is this all there is to life?"

 

She's not having fun, and girls after all just want to have fun. And they want to feel loved. cared for and needed and put up on a exclusive emotional pedestal, meeting her emotional needs. You might be meeting her material needs, but your not meeting her "oddles' needs, ( a very valid economic term thank you very much! It means the non-monetary, emotional feeling of ownership)

 

Many women ~ not only want, but need others, especially those close to them to approve of the men in their lives. The need to be validated by that and in their choice of the men in their lives. By not interacting with her family you're essentially slapping her in the face! (Weather you actually like her family or not has absolutely nothing to do with it) You're forcing her to choose between her family and friends (which by the way she wanted you to be a part of ~ but you declined) and you ~ and you're going to loose everytime.

 

You're going to have to choose which is more important to you ~ this girl or your job, your carrer, climbing up the food chain, materail possessions. Finding someone that is capable and willing to love you is hard to do. If and when you do ~ don't screw it up! Its a rare and precious thing.

 

My call on this "ball" is that this girl truly loves you, and she's standing beside the track yelling and screaming, waving flags, setting off flares telling you that a freight train is coming, and your azz is standing right smack in the middle of the track, and that you need to get off the track before it runs over you. She's screaming for you to change and to put her wants, her needs before your own. She's telling you that your job, your carreer, your material possessions are secondary to her and that she just want to be loved by you (and feel loved, needed, wanted, validated, appreciated, valued) ~ and you're falling down on the job in meeting her emotional needs, and if you won't do it ~ then you can take yourself to the house and she'll find someone that can and will!

[stanchain]

Hey gunny,

if everything you read is true than that would be a good thing. After she left I realized that everything you said is true. Now the hard thing to do is get her to come back. because as of today she has said nothing about wanting to come home. Yeah she has said that she does not know if it is over betwn her and I and does not want our love to die. Yeah she says all those wonderful things... but her actions.. kicking it with this new guy all the time... well they speak a lil bit louder. although she says the are just "seeing" one another. and nothing is going on. No sex or anything of that nature. that is what i would expect her to say. what I do not get is if she has no interest in coming back, and does not want to be a part of this why is she wanting me to hold on so much, why act jealous? it has been 3 weeks and the night she dropped off the cord is the first time I have seen her. Gunny I am just really confused because to me it is black and white... I love you lets work it out. With her it.. well I am not sure what it is. half the time I think she wants to come home, but i am not sure if that is just my heart lying to my mind... and the other half of the time I think she is lying and she has a new man... but I am not sure if that is just not my mind lying to my heart

[anna13]

she calls you so many times and gets mad when you dont call her back , she cares about you still it is obvious but this other guy , i think he is either just a friend or the future rebound guy if she doesnt get you back . sounds like you guys have a problem with communication . I think you should just tell her that you Love her and if she Loves you and wants to work it out she needs to tell you . and see what she says. dont ask her about this guy anymore. just take it one step at a time.

[stanchain]

Everybody, I want to thank you for expressing your point of view. It has helped very much. I just think that I should just give up. I dont think that there is a chance to reconcile, After all she has a new friend. Yeah, I love her, miss her, would do almost anything to get her back. And I think that is why I have to let her go. Because it does not appear that chasing her, or trying to be there for her is going to benefit anybody but her. I mean I have tried to stay close to her so that way she thinks about me, or I should say doesnt forget about me. isnt helping....

[Rooster_DAR]

Everybody, I want to thank you for expressing your point of view. It has helped very much. I just think that I should just give up. I dont think that there is a chance to reconcile, After all she has a new friend. Yeah, I love her, miss her, would do almost anything to get her back. And I think that is why I have to let her go. Because it does not appear that chasing her, or trying to be there for her is going to benefit anybody but her. I mean I have tried to stay close to her so that way she thinks about me, or I should say doesnt forget about me. isnt helping....

 

She is inmature and playing games. Go find someone who is mature and doesn't have to prove something.

[stanchain]

Hey Rooster.... look bro, I am understanding. My heart is in more pain then it has ever been... I mean I had 3 years of love going with this girl. I am 29, she is 21, and the guy she left me for is 17. So just imagine how I feel. I mean she swears they arent together, swears they arent have sex... but spends all her time with him... so I mean what do you think is going on? So letting go.. yeah sounds easy... but it is not isnt

[Rooster_DAR]

Hey Rooster.... look bro, I am understanding. My heart is in more pain then it has ever been... I mean I had 3 years of love going with this girl. I am 29, she is 21, and the guy she left me for is 17. So just imagine how I feel. I mean she swears they arent together, swears they arent have sex... but spends all her time with him... so I mean what do you think is going on? So letting go.. yeah sounds easy... but it is not isnt

 

Look, I understand more than anybody that it's not easy. I'm going through the same thing for the third time in my life. For one, I can be honest and tell you she is way to young, and you are pretty young yourself. Women under the age of 25 typically act this way, it doesn't mean all of them do or it's right, but I would expect that from someone this age. I know it doesn' t make it hurt any less, but you need to gain some more understanding here.

 

She can swear all she wants to (she's not seeing this guy), but women in this situation will lie and protect their deceit with everything they have. It could also mean that she wants to make you jeleous and have you step in and be a he man, and possibly get in this guys face so it will validate her belief in you. All the same, it's a stupid game that if you play, gives her the upper hand. If you choose not to play this stupid game, you will come off as a much stronger person and she will see that. Everytime you answer to what she's doing, it's feeding her game. Don't let her **ck with you, you don't need that kind of inmaturity.

 

Cheers!

[Gunny376]

Hey Rooster.... look bro, I am understanding. My heart is in more pain then it has ever been... I mean I had 3 years of love going with this girl. I am 29, she is 21, and the guy she left me for is 17. So just imagine how I feel. I mean she swears they arent together, swears they arent have sex... but spends all her time with him... so I mean what do you think is going on? So letting go.. yeah sounds easy... but it is not isnt

 

I'm 49, and I've been in more than one rodeo, and I've been thrown more time than I care to remember.

 

I'm writing this to you, as if you were my own son.

 

You want her back? Blow her completely and totally off. Go on with your life as though she doesn't exsist. Blow her off as though you never known her? She calls you? You're busy! She wants to get together? You've got plans. Now isn't a good time! "Sorry, I can't talk, I've got something I've got to do! Catch you later."

 

Personally, if I were you at 29, knowing what I know now? I'd be out having the time of my life! She'd have to be pretty damn specail and have a lot on the ball to tie me down at 29!

 

I'm going to tell you the tale, like I told my son when he graduated.

 

A lot of guys these days, go to some gal's father and ask for their daughter's hand in marriage. They do this for romantic reasons, because its the right thing to do, to impress the young gal, out of respect, whatever.

 

But the orignial purpose behind it, was we were once an agraian society ~ that is to say that most people raised their own crops and livestock. That's how they made their living, and that's how they feed themselves. There wasn't any Social Security, 401K's, IRA's etc. A person's "retiremnet" was their children. Their livelihood was the farm they owned or 'sharecropped". Once slavery was out of the picture, (not that there were that many people that owned slaves to begin with ~ more mouths to feed) the way people ensured for their livelihood and retirement was by having large families. Sons were an asset, daughters weren't.

 

For a man to get married, he had to first go out and learn a trade, establish himself, become proficient at his trade, build a reputation for depnedability, relaiability, etc. That took two to three years to become good at it. It took a good ten years to become a "master" of his trade.

 

Once he'd done that, then he could go and look for a wife. He had to ask the Father's hand in marriage, becuase if the Father didn't believe that he was a man of characther, stability, wasn't a drunk, a drug addict, a gambler, a womanizer, etc he'd give his blessing on the marriage. Why? Because until about 1940, the man got everythhing in the event of a divorce and the dear daughter ended up moving back home, bringing more mouths for him to feed and provide for!

 

Flash forward! The 1960's and 70's. Women's Lib, Women's Rights and "No Fault Divorce"

 

Granted, back 60 years ago, a woman that got divorced was screwed. Back then what few divorces that occurred were file by men, almost 90%. Even in the 60's there were damn few jobs and opportunties for women job wise. (There's not that many even now in 2006) But, with the above sited, the divorce tables have turned. Now women get custody of the children 90% of the time (because men lay down) and they're the one's that are filing for divorce (90% of divorce petitions are filed by women in 2006)

 

What I would be doing at 29, with a 21 year old wayward wife, is letting her go!

 

Neither of you have the experince, the knowledge, the education, the skill set(s) necessary to be married. Certainly not her. She's young and immature.

 

What I would be doing, is I would be acquiring the necessary knowledge, education, and skill set(s)

 

I would be Goggling:

 

Dr. Ellen Kreidman's "Light Her Fire" program

 

I'd be checking out Mary Hunt's "Debtproof Living"

 

I'd be checking out Dave Ramey's "Complete Money Makeover"

 

I'd be scooping out Carlos Xuma's "Alpha Male Program and David DeAngleo's "Double Your Dating" programs.

 

I'd throughly checkout MarriageBuilder's and Divorcenet!

 

I would dedicate to reading at least one book each year about interpersonal relationships, marriage, communication, personal finance!

[Gunny376]

Look, I understand more than anybody that it's not easy. I'm going through the same thing for the third time in my life. For one, I can be honest and tell you she is way to young, and you are pretty young yourself. Women under the age of 25 typically act this way, it doesn't mean all of them do or it's right, but I would expect that from someone this age. I know it doesn' t make it hurt any less, but you need to gain some more understanding here.

 

She can swear all she wants to (she's not seeing this guy), but women in this situation will lie and protect their deceit with everything they have. It could also mean that she wants to make you jeleous and have you step in and be a he man, and possibly get in this guys face so it will validate her belief in you. All the same, it's a stupid game that if you play, gives her the upper hand. If you choose not to play this stupid game, you will come off as a much stronger person and she will see that. Everytime you answer to what she's doing, it's feeding her game. Don't let her **ck with you, you don't need that kind of inmaturity.

 

Cheers!

 

Vet know vets!

 

Listen to this guy! He's been there! He's been up in the mud, the blood, the beers and the tears! So have I.

 

Marines go through 13 weeks of boot camp and come out thinking they know all they need to know to go to Iraq. Some are assigned to the infrantry, and go through infrantry training school thinking they know all they need to know to go to Iraq, only to get to Iraq to find out they don't know Jack s**t to make it through the first damned hour, let alone the first day!

[Gunny376]

Look, I understand more than anybody that it's not easy. I'm going through the same thing for the third time in my life. For one, I can be honest and tell you she is way to young, and you are pretty young yourself. Women under the age of 25 typically act this way, it doesn't mean all of them do or it's right, but I would expect that from someone this age. I know it doesn' t make it hurt any less, but you need to gain some more understanding here.

 

She can swear all she wants to (she's not seeing this guy), but women in this situation will lie and protect their deceit with everything they have. It could also mean that she wants to make you jeleous and have you step in and be a he man, and possibly get in this guys face so it will validate her belief in you. All the same, it's a stupid game that if you play, gives her the upper hand. If you choose not to play this stupid game, you will come off as a much stronger person and she will see that. Everytime you answer to what she's doing, it's feeding her game. Don't let her **ck with you, you don't need that kind of inmaturity.

 

Cheers!

 

Just say it Rooster! You know! I know! She's "scrogging" the other guy

[stanchain]

Hey guys... between you and me... I know all this... i am not stupid.. It is just hard to let go of the woman you love... even if things are not perfect. I am doing what i can. But I think that i have to just stop... and that is the key word. Stop looking for advice on here... stop looking for meaning it what she does. I just have to understand that it is over and there is not turning back. whether I want there to be or not. it hurts, it is pain.... but I have to do what I have to do. It was a great 3 years, and I will miss everything that we shared... but when it boils down to it. she has moved on. forgotten about our love... forgotten about what we had. whether it was my fault or her fault that means nothing. what matters is she is not here with me. she has moved on and so must I

[Ladyjane14]

Hey guys... between you and me... I know all this... i am not stupid.. It is just hard to let go of the woman you love... even if things are not perfect. I am doing what i can. But I think that i have to just stop... and that is the key word. Stop looking for advice on here... stop looking for meaning it what she does. I just have to understand that it is over and there is not turning back. whether I want there to be or not. it hurts, it is pain.... but I have to do what I have to do. It was a great 3 years, and I will miss everything that we shared... but when it boils down to it. she has moved on. forgotten about our love... forgotten about what we had. whether it was my fault or her fault that means nothing. what matters is she is not here with me. she has moved on and so must I

 

I've got a correction for you there, Stan....

 

Insert, "the girl your love". Rooster is right. Under the age of 25, women are still little girls in alot of cases these days. They're a box of chocolates... you don't know what kind you're gonna get.

 

Think about it like this... What woman is going to have any kind of romantic interest in a 17-year old boy?

 

Let it go. Chaulk it up to allowing for maturity that just wasn't there.

[stanchain]

Well here is the question.. what is the purpose of making me jealous?

[Ladyjane14]

Well here is the question.. what is the purpose of making me jealous?

 

What's the purpose in any other kind of childish behavior. (????)

 

It's all based on the egocentric behavior of a youngster... "Notice ME. Validate ME. Prove to me that I'm IMPORTANT."

 

There's no mystery here. You're dealing with a little girl who doesn't have her sh*t together yet. If she was 16, you wouldn't be confused about her motives.

 

She likes more than one guy, and she's not sure if she's ready to let the one go and settle on the other.

 

Some folks don't EVER reach emotional maturity. They continue to operate at an emotional deficit throughout the course of their entire lives. In a girl under 25, there's no way to tell if she'll eventually mature or not. Only time will tell that tale.

 

Your choice is either to wring your hands, waiting and wondering, until that time comes. Or move on and find a WOMAN who's already made the cut.