I Hate This Why Was I Ever Born?

[greyskies]

You know I know people go through a lot of crap in life and everyone has problems. All I want to know is do things ever get better? I have had the worst life ever. And I am still kind and loving and giving. I am not bitter or angry. But IM IN THE WORST PAIN MY HEART ACHES AND THE DRUGS DONT WORK ANYMORE!! I posted about my situation (Long but I need some1 2 listen) in the Abuse section.

 

You know I read the Stockholm deal and the Loser. K now that I know all this. Why in the hell when he called me today and told me to call him after work, why did I do it? Oh but that was after I went and bought him some exspensive cologne and a card. WTF am I doing? I cant stop myself. And I did call him and he said "Im busy right now" and like a lame I went to go see if he was at our favorate motel and there he was with her again.

 

I just got back and I feel so awful I just keep sinking deeper and deeper. He came over last night and wanted to get high. I complied and we messed around a little he put hickeys all over my breast. And said now your branded. He was telling me he told the girl hes with right now he didnt want to see her anymore. Blah Blah Blah.

 

I hate him, I hate her, I hate myself, I hate life. I just want to die this pain in my heart is just to much to bare. What am I going to do you guys? I am hooked on meth again and I love this *******, I hate this. And for what just for a few hours of affection? Why was I ever born I have no purpose in life what so ever?

[dinerroll1066]

Hey, I don't know if your gonna get on to read this, especially if your caught out right now, but it does get better. I came on this site cuz I'm having self-esteem problems that are preventing me from getting into a relationship, but a big part of that is due to years of heroin addiction. I just came back from a 1 year NA (narcotics anonymous) celebration, and i can tell you from loads of experience with rehabs, NA, and AA, that once you finally stop using, things do get better. Whatever route you decide to go, if you choose to get clean, you will find that no matter what happens in life, you'll find a way to deal with it. stay strong, and try to stop using, cuz I'm sure you're well aware of the possible consequences. A few difficult months would be better than felony possession charges, years of rehab, permanent injury, or death. Think about it and reach out for help outside of the internet.

[Love Hurts]

That is the beauty of time for a change greyskies; When its time… to change what we are doing.

 

We can’t, or we will not change what we do.

Not when we are Comfortable and all is well.

We are for the most part creatures of habit.

 

The most difficult changes we make generally come from an ugly crowbar that comes into our lives and pries up out of our nitch and it is so not what we want. But its there lifting and prying away and we resist and we can loose it mentally from this force of change.

 

Idealistically you are in that place. The uglies of life have caused you enough pain.

 

Its time to change. Now perhaps you can let go of what is in your life that causes you so much pain.

 

Ask yourself if you like yourself. Ask yourself if you love yourself.

Are you ready to spend time with yourself?

To rediscover you and who you are without the chaos.

What is your value alone? What are your wonderful talents undiscovered?

What do you have to offer in your life; in an area you haven’t considered?

 

There is a purpose for your life.

You have to let go of the things in life that keep hurting you.

Let go of that life; to appreciate your life.

To hate life; is to have lost yourself worth.

You’re worth a life; worth living.

Life worth living is very possible and -obtainable.

When you let go your journey is an uphill climb.

 

You can be able to; close your eyes and see yourself calm, relaxed, listening to serine feel good music? Appreciating what you have in life. Appreciating what good and beautiful things your hands have done.

Relax and take your self to a place that is about you. Find the beautiful person inside that needs to be cared for and respected.

 

It’s got to be; a you first; attitude. Break away. Find yourself.

Relax;, grow in whom you are.

After a long period of time…you will travel down some other new road of life.

 

As for now; ask yourself greyskies, are you ready to let go; In order to begin to live a life worth living?

Your right there… Just let go.

 

God loves you inside out.

[jetsetjessica]

Everyones telling you "of course things will get better" but do they really know? That's questionable. Its just my opinion (and many agree and disagree) that nobody call tell you some stupid crap about how "it always gets better" because that's a lie, it doesn't. But it will if you want it to. I'm a meth addict as well, and I'm also a big believer in karma. Keep doing well to others and being a good person as much as you can (aside from the speed obviously), and your good karma will eventually come back to you. It might not the the words of wisdom you were looking for, but its the only truth my screwed up life knows. Oh and the guy talking about NA curing his heroin addiction is bull. I've been to NA. Half of the people there are high, and the other half replace one addiction (drugs) with another (the big book/ 12 steps). If I'm going to have an addiction I'd rather it be something that'll at least get me high, thanks. Anyways, when things go wrong, just try not to get upset, instead focus on doing positive things, not only will the good karma help you, but you'll feel at least a little better too.

[Zaira]

Well your purpose definately is NOT to be there at his every beck and call. He's playing you girl, because he knows he can. Kick it. If you need help to do it, get it.

 

You need to convince yourself that you're better than all this, you DO deserve better AND you WILL get it. Every time a bad thought comes into your mind, push it out.

 

Make a list of goals, and start taking the steps needed to achieve them, even if it is only one goal at a time.

 

It's easy to get caught up in self pity, but you have to fight back and know it'll be all worth it. You'll be able to look back and know that your hard times have made you a better person, but you were able to get through them and look to more positive times.

 

As for the guy. Do not answer calls, do not contact him. THINK TWICE before you do anything. It'll hurt for awhile longer, but time does heal things. This is all about you you YOU!

[BlueEyedSarah]

You know I know people go through a lot of crap in life and everyone has problems. All I want to know is do things ever get better? I have had the worst life ever. And I am still kind and loving and giving. I am not bitter or angry. But IM IN THE WORST PAIN MY HEART ACHES AND THE DRUGS DONT WORK ANYMORE!! I posted about my situation (Long but I need some1 2 listen) in the Abuse section.

 

You know I read the Stockholm deal and the Loser. K now that I know all this. Why in the hell when he called me today and told me to call him after work, why did I do it? Oh but that was after I went and bought him some exspensive cologne and a card. WTF am I doing? I cant stop myself. And I did call him and he said "Im busy right now" and like a lame I went to go see if he was at our favorate motel and there he was with her again.

 

I just got back and I feel so awful I just keep sinking deeper and deeper. He came over last night and wanted to get high. I complied and we messed around a little he put hickeys all over my breast. And said now your branded. He was telling me he told the girl hes with right now he didnt want to see her anymore. Blah Blah Blah.

 

I hate him, I hate her, I hate myself, I hate life. I just want to die this pain in my heart is just to much to bare. What am I going to do you guys? I am hooked on meth again and I love this *******, I hate this. And for what just for a few hours of affection? Why was I ever born I have no purpose in life what so ever?

Try do no connection with him because you need to heal you heart. Time heals old wounds.

[Toyota23]

I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU ARE FEELING!! I highly recomend you quit ALL DRUGS and go to some meetings... And one of my favorite sayings of all time is THIS TOO SHALL PASS. I felt like crap a lot trying to get clean but these feelings do not last forever... They will go away.. And if you can stay sober they won't seem so extreme, and will be easier to manage. Forget the guy and move on, I am sure there are plenty more out there that you will truly like a lot more.

[cotton_panties]

You know I know people go through a lot of crap in life and everyone has problems. All I want to know is do things ever get better? I have had the worst life ever. And I am still kind and loving and giving. I am not bitter or angry. But IM IN THE WORST PAIN MY HEART ACHES AND THE DRUGS DONT WORK ANYMORE!! I posted about my situation (Long but I need some1 2 listen) in the Abuse section.

 

You know I read the Stockholm deal and the Loser. K now that I know all this. Why in the hell when he called me today and told me to call him after work, why did I do it? Oh but that was after I went and bought him some exspensive cologne and a card. WTF am I doing? I cant stop myself. And I did call him and he said "Im busy right now" and like a lame I went to go see if he was at our favorate motel and there he was with her again.

 

I just got back and I feel so awful I just keep sinking deeper and deeper. He came over last night and wanted to get high. I complied and we messed around a little he put hickeys all over my breast. And said now your branded. He was telling me he told the girl hes with right now he didnt want to see her anymore. Blah Blah Blah.

 

I hate him, I hate her, I hate myself, I hate life. I just want to die this pain in my heart is just to much to bare. What am I going to do you guys? I am hooked on meth again and I love this *******, I hate this. And for what just for a few hours of affection? Why was I ever born I have no purpose in life what so ever?

don't be absurd!! talking about throwing your life away or wondering why you were ever born because of this loser that you happened to fall in love with?

 

everyone will tell you the same stuff about meth so I'll leave that out of it.first concentrate on you and detach from this *******.he disrespects you and knows you'll take so he keeps at it..as long as you give into him he will continue so don't allow it.

 

one of my closest friends is a meth head and told me many time that that drugs amplifies rather than deadens the pain in his heart so what does that tell you? it's only making the pain worse.it's a vicious circle, drugs kill the pain for a moment then theres more pain, then drugs then pain..it will just keep going like that until you take control of your life.

 

no matter who says what you can only count on your self period

[CardPlay3r]

Things are as you make them to be. You have the power to tell him to go f himself and to stop taking meth.

 

Check yourself into a rehab clinic, get counseling before it's too late...

[ahsumgurl909]

And we are so drifting apart. The only problem is my self-esteem is null and void. Sooo Im having a little bit of a struggle. Thanks Card for your generous words.