He feels more like a parent than partner...

[jennsana]

Here is my story, We started dating when i was 23. he is 7 yrs older than me. We got married when i was 25. I had just finished getting my degree and prior to marriage I had lived with my parents. so we are married and rent this house in which we still live. he goes though a tough time with starting a busniess which doesn't work out. I support us . I go back to school for my nursing degree, he helps me though .

Now whenever we have had a fight I am always the one in the end saying I am sorry. I mathmatically can't not be the one always wrong. But in his eyes I am. When I go out with friens, I need to call...alot. Whenn i leave the house, when i get there, while I am there and when I leave. If I am late , I get "yelled at" and told he is disappointed in me, and how could I do this to him. I pay all the bills even though he has a very successfull business. we have no kids and no joint accounts, which when i think about it is very odd. We are married but have separate everything.

I feel like I have changed. I feel like, when we frist go ttogether I ok'ed him,,,Ok honey we can do this, ok honey I will pay the bills, ok what ever you want to do. I like different things. I like to go out dancing with friend, I hate waching tv and that is something that has to be on in the house at all times, I like to go for hikes, things like that. he likes to watch tv and rent movies. I love him dearly but I feel like I have changed and my love for him has also. I almost feel like I have grown into myself in the last year and he doesn't like the fact that when normally I would go along with what ever he said, and would never go out with friends, I am doing those things now. I am unhappy at home. Should I be ? Has any one been where I am now. Sorry about the length of the story. Thanks for reading, Jenn

[jmargel]

Reason he's calling you when he's out, etc.. is his insecurity. As long as the communication between you two continue to spiral downward that part will get worse. Only because his imagination probably runs a little wild and thinks the worst.

 

You two need marriage counseling so you can get your points across to each other without getting into fights. It's usually a wake up call to let the other person know how important the things you are expressing really mean to you.

 

In a marriage there always has to be a compromise. As I told my wife sometimes you just need to 'suck it up' and try new things. Otherwise, you'll never know if you like them or not. If you keep going this route you'll end up leaving or having an affair. You'll look for what you are missing, in someone else.

 

He also needs to mature and take responsibility for his role in the marriage. Finanacially, emotionally and physically. Ask him about MC and if he's willing to go.

[Lostgurl]

Here is my story, We started dating when i was 23. he is 7 yrs older than me. We got married when i was 25. I had just finished getting my degree and prior to marriage I had lived with my parents. so we are married and rent this house in which we still live. he goes though a tough time with starting a busniess which doesn't work out. I support us . I go back to school for my nursing degree, he helps me though .

Now whenever we have had a fight I am always the one in the end saying I am sorry. I mathmatically can't not be the one always wrong. But in his eyes I am. When I go out with friens, I need to call...alot. Whenn i leave the house, when i get there, while I am there and when I leave. If I am late , I get "yelled at" and told he is disappointed in me, and how could I do this to him. I pay all the bills even though he has a very successfull business. we have no kids and no joint accounts, which when i think about it is very odd. We are married but have separate everything.

I feel like I have changed. I feel like, when we frist go ttogether I ok'ed him,,,Ok honey we can do this, ok honey I will pay the bills, ok what ever you want to do. I like different things. I like to go out dancing with friend, I hate waching tv and that is something that has to be on in the house at all times, I like to go for hikes, things like that. he likes to watch tv and rent movies. I love him dearly but I feel like I have changed and my love for him has also. I almost feel like I have grown into myself in the last year and he doesn't like the fact that when normally I would go along with what ever he said, and would never go out with friends, I am doing those things now. I am unhappy at home. Should I be ? Has any one been where I am now. Sorry about the length of the story. Thanks for reading, Jenn

 

I know exactly where you are coming from. I am dating a man that is 10 years older than me that sounds similar to yours, except we didn't get married. I hated the way he made me feel when i'd come home late and he'd get soo mad... and he'd make me feel sooo small, like he was chastizing a small kid that has disobeyed him.

 

I ALWAYS wanted him to do things with me and the girls, like hiking and walks etc. But all he'd ever want to do is play video games and watch T.V. But, i'd only get on his case every now and then, the rest of the time it was ALWAYS about what he wanted to do. But for the most part i was just happy spending time with him. But through out that time, as the monthes went by all the small resentments started building up, and everytime i addressed them he'd never even try to make an effort to take me anywhere. He just say "Do what!? What is there to do in this crappy town? " So i just left it alone...

 

We are still together, but having problems again but he's in another province. I am living my own life right now, and he has his insecurities about it.

 

Here are some words of advice i recieved from a great guy on this site: You must have your own seperate life from him. You can't rely on one other person or live your life through one other person. Relationships are never a guarantee. If he truly loves you and respects you, then he will realize just how irrational he is being. Any guy, or gal that will break up with you because you have your own life is not much of a prize.

 

I thought i'd share them with you because he's absolutley right. And you seem to be in the same boat as me...

 

I hope that everything works out for the best with you and your H. Keep in touch and let us know how things are going with you.

 

Take care,

 

Lost.

[guest]

I guess if he is willing to try that would be one thing but he is not. He is always right, so he sees no reason for counseling. I have to admit i just don't feel the same for him anymore. I feel like we are different people. I know it gets said alot but I am not sure if I love him as a husband anymore and I feel so bad about that. I care for him, but sexual I want noting to do with him. We have been living like roommates for so long, guess the spark is gone and I have no desire for it back. Th bad part is I know he still loves me. Would you rather have the other person tell you the truth about not loving you anymore or would you rather take what you can get? Jenn

[jennsana]

I feel so lost. I don't think I love him. What should I do. would you rather stay foe what ever affection I give you or tell the truth.?

[Curmudgeon]

If you don't think you love him then you probably don't. What's to love? At best you two have a business arrangement, not a marriage. Where's the trust, the respect, the passion, the mutuality, the partnership?

 

I'd start with couple's counseling and failing that, I'd be headed for the exit, and I'm not one who takes marriage lightly.

[Pink_Tulip]

It is impossible to love someone as a husband who acts like a father. I would also assume the intimacy in your marriage is deteriorating, probably causing him to become even more controlling. You can't fix this on your own, you need marriage counseling now.

[amaysngrace]

OMG your situation is parellel to my marriage. And I don't mean that in a good way.

 

My exH worked while I was home with the babies. He had his own bank account and I had to ASK him for money on a weekly basis.

 

His bank statements were sent to a PO Box.

 

All utilities were in MY name, even though he paid them.

 

If I went out with friends, I was a WHORE.

 

I grew as a person throughout the time we were married. He, unfortunately, did not.

 

Oh, we rented too. We never did buy a house together.

 

Talk about your controlling situations. Please, for your own sanity, consider leaving this guy. You aren't on the same page anymore, even if he is a whole lot older than you. Just cause someone's older doesn't necessarily mean they are wiser.

 

And hey, google Narcissist just for kicks, okay?

[jennsana]

I some times feel like I am the bad guy. Actually I always feel like the bad guy. Maybe I am a bad person. Maybe I should suck it up. I just feel like I want a husband who I want to hug when he comes home. I don't feel that way. which makes me look like a _itch. What to do with out totally crushing my husband who says he cares for me? Jenn

[amaysngrace]

I some times feel like I am the bad guy. Actually I always feel like the bad guy. Maybe I am a bad person. Maybe I should suck it up. I just feel like I want a husband who I want to hug when he comes home. I don't feel that way. which makes me look like a _itch. What to do with out totally crushing my husband who says he cares for me? Jenn

 

Okay time to separate what he says and what he does. Anybody can say anything they'd like, but do his actions go with what he says? Have you known him to be dishonest in the past? Maybe not to you but in general? Hello? There you go!

 

You seem very concerned about crushing his feelings while you are completely neglecting your own. Maybe it's commonplace for you to put his feelings above your own. But here's the problem I see...he puts his feelings first before yours too. So in essence, his feelings have become the priority in your marriage, with you being placed on the back burner.

 

That's not equality, sweetie. Granted, you can't make him place you as a priority. You can't change him. It is virtually impossible for you to change anyone except yourself. You have already changed and grown in the sense that you now recognize what is wrong within your marriage. The question is, what to do about it?

 

You need to figure that out. I'd like to know if you've clearly expressed to him how you are dissatisfied at his phone calls, the fact that you don't have a joint account, and that he makes you pay the bills??

 

Have you ever spoken to him about it or do you expect him to read your mind?

 

If you've already talked about it and tried to get your feelings on the subjects known, yet he's completely ignored your wishes, then he can say he 'cares' about you all he wants but that's not really true.

 

If he did he'd meet you halfway. This is a marriage afterall. Not a dictatorship situation.

 

I've been where you are now and I will help you in any way that I can but I kind of have to know where your head is at a little better, okay?

 

Oh, the bad feelings you feel about yourself right now are just the result of you feeling like you're failing your marriage. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's common to do this. But marriage is a partnership. Don't forget he's failing too. It's not all your fault. Nothing like this is.