Are we allowed to Laugh?

[yousaveme]

This forum can be a very touchy place. Some have come her for advice and to get things off their chest. Others have come here to better understand the other side of the story.

 

Yesterday a thread was posted so we could Lighten up the mood here. And it became sad. You know what its a real shame that this cant happen without being ruined.

 

Okay im involved with a MM. My choice I knew he has married , just as I was engaged. I found this place when my heart was broken. If you have been involved in this situtation you know what I mean. When you cant move. Everything feels like its moving around you and your just standing still. The tears just cant seem to stop..ETC........

 

I found some friends ( you know who you are) , I found comfort, advice and support. I might not have like some it, but I learned to take what I needed and get through.

 

So I just wanted to say what a really shame it is that we arent allowed to laugh. And how this forum has become. Some people feel that posting will do nothing more then bring unkind , hurt filled words. Just to create more pain for someone. That isnt what this forum is about.

[Guest]

No need to start this up AGAIN. There is no problem with posting joke threads. It's done all the time. But that means actual jokes, not poking fun at other posters. So if you want to go find some funny jokes and post them, go ahead. Do it in Water Cooler and have a blast. But keep it to actual jokes.

[peacelove]

Hey yousaveme,

I have, as of this second, decided to ignore the one person here who is trying to bring us all down. She has great pain to deal with & finds comfort in harrassing all of us.

So IGNORE it is.

Talk to ya soon.

Peace

[herenow]

So, I went out to dinner, came back and the thread was gone. What happened?

 

I liked the car talk. It brought me back to my sporty days. The 280zx was my first car. Very fast and foolish for a new driver, but it sure was fun. I have since moved on to German technology, but will always be fond of sports cars. Maybe when the kids are older, I'll get another one. Or, maybe it's time for a mid-life crisis.

[lasan]

When I first noticed this section, I thought I could post what I have learned to other people in this situation. I am discovering other burned spouses, such as myself really don't want to hear it since it isn't spewing hate and anger towards ow/om. I kind of feel like posting here is a waste of time now.

 

I understand the anger, but, quit taking it out on random ow/om. Be mad at your WS. They are the ones that betrayed someones trust. They didn't get sucked in. They made a conscious decision to cheat.

[noforgiveness]

Hey yousaveme,

I have, as of this second, decided to ignore the one person here who is trying to bring us all down. She has great pain to deal with & finds comfort in harrassing all of us.

So IGNORE it is.

Talk to ya soon.

Peace

 

and yet another coping method along with ignoring is that anyone who does not agree with your AFFAIR with a married man must just be in tremendous pain it can't possible be that you are acting morally bankrupt and not respecting yourself.

 

The definition in and of itself reeks of wrongdoing but hey believe that which makes you feel better. I have a problem with your behavior because i am in pain. Yea that's it.

 

The definition of an affair from wikipedia -

One of the more negative connotations of the use of "affair" is as a euphemism for a situation where two people are involved in an illicit sexual, romantic and/or passionate attachment, usually for a limited duration. The euphemism is also applied to marital infidelity where one partner has an outside relationship: a liaison. It is sometimes accompanied by scandal.

When used in this context, "affair" usually implies sexual impropriety

[NoIDidn't]

Lasan

 

I can't say that I totally agree with you, but I do to a point.

 

I don't think that your sitch fits many of the BS' here sitch, so they don't hear what you are saying. Classic, eat the meat, spit out the bones.

 

But for the person that the OW/OM are having an issue with, yeah, nothing but anger and hurt coming from her. Like Bonehead, I think she has some good things to say but you can't get to it through the anger. She is REALLY hurting and here is just not the place for her.

 

The OPs here don't want advice, so I no longer give it. They don't want to be told another's truth, so I don't bother with that either. Yes,they know that their actions have the potential to hurt another person. Yes, they know that if the roles were reversed they wouldn't like it. Whats the point of any person (BS or not) constantly pointing that out? (I know you don't, just saying)

 

Not all of the BSs here are out to get OP blood. I, for one, am not interested in hurting another that is already in a sitch that causes more pain than I could ever imagine.

[NoIDidn't]

herenow,

 

Maybe we can revive the talk about the cars in another thread. Possibly at the Water Cooler. There it won't matter what *label* you have. Just what kind of car you are talking about.

 

 

I LOVE sports cars. I live for driving fast - and NOT getting speeding tickets! LOL

[lasan]

NoIdidn't,

 

My story may not be the same, but I think the principle is. No matter who else was involved, the WS is the one who betrayed someone. It doesn't matter if they were out boffing everyone, or the best spouse in the world. They had a chance to make a choice. Be faithful, or not be faithful. They chose not to be. No one forced them to cheat. No one was holding a gun to their head and said "Break your vows or you're toast."

[lovernotafighter]

and yet another coping method along with ignoring is that anyone who does not agree with your AFFAIR with a married man must just be in tremendous pain it can't possible be that you are acting morally bankrupt and not respecting yourself.

 

The definition in and of itself reeks of wrongdoing but hey believe that which makes you feel better. I have a problem with your behavior because i am in pain. Yea that's it.

 

The definition of an affair from wikipedia -

One of the more negative connotations of the use of "affair" is as a euphemism for a situation where two people are involved in an illicit sexual, romantic and/or passionate attachment, usually for a limited duration. The euphemism is also applied to marital infidelity where one partner has an outside relationship: a liaison. It is sometimes accompanied by scandal.

When used in this context, "affair" usually implies sexual impropriety

So you’re not in pain then? Then what’s with all your negativity?

 

I’m curious because the amount of time you seem to spend reflecting on whats wrong with every one else seems like a huge waste of energy..

 

I mean unless of coarse you are without sin then cast all the stones you like I suppose but I really don’t see why anyone would care to other wise so for LNF..Please enlighten me.

[herenow]

When I first noticed this section, I thought I could post what I have learned to other people in this situation. I am discovering other burned spouses, such as myself really don't want to hear it since it isn't spewing hate and anger towards ow/om. I kind of feel like posting here is a waste of time now.

 

I understand the anger, but, quit taking it out on random ow/om. Be mad at your WS. They are the ones that betrayed someones trust. They didn't get sucked in. They made a conscious decision to cheat.

 

True, in the end, the only person that should matter is the one you are married to. He is the one that broke the vows. That's easy for me to say because I have never met the OW. I will probably never speak to her or see her.

 

I understand what everyone is talking about as far as the anger, I don't know how I would handle it if the OW was my best friend. That must add another level to the emotions she is having.

 

I hope that she is able to get some answers here. I know that I have. It will be some time until I can actually let go of the hate I have for my H's OW, but I certainly don't have any reason to hate the OW here. They didn't do anything to me.

 

To tell the truth, some of the stories about what the OW deals with make me realize how good I have it. MY H's affair gave us the motivation to fix our marriage. Not that I wouldn't have preferred it if he came to me with his problems instead of finding an OW. Finding out about his affair was the most painful thing I have ever dealt with. But, in the end I have a second chance to make it right. The OW is left with only the scars. The one thing I have learned here is to have respect for her feelings. Not to be condescending, but I have actually found myself feeling sorry for her. So, I guess some of the hatred is gone. I have a long way to go.

[NoIDidn't]

lasan

 

I don't remember if your WH was a serial cheater or not, but I do recall you saying that you D'd him.

 

I am just saying, for me, from a used to be betrayed W perspective, you are no longer with him and had no desire to stay with him. The meanest of the betrayed here is trying to get on with the M, not D. That's all I am saying. Its hard to take advice from someone who isn't where you think you are. Which is how many of the OW here feel. I am not an OW so they don't think I could possibly know what I am talking about sometimes. Its not an accurate asssessment, but I understand it.

 

You know, I agree that the WS is the one that the anger belongs on. But it is VERY presumptuous of any of us here to assume that the WS in these sitches aren't getting the majority of the anger. Just because a BS comes here and vents frustration (something I myself see no point in doing) at the OP, doesn't mean that the WS isn't getting some anger too.

 

Plus, not everyone kicks a cheater to the curb. This board and many others like it are filled with people who didn't kick the cheater to the curb (from whatever side they were on).

 

BTW - I appreciate your stance, even if I can't relate to it. KWIM?

[NoIDidn't]

To tell the truth, some of the stories about what the OW deals with make me realize how good I have it. MY H's affair gave us the motivation to fix our marriage. Not that I wouldn't have preferred it if he came to me with his problems instead of finding an OW. Finding out about his affair was the most painful thing I have ever dealt with. But, in the end I have a second chance to make it right. The OW is left with only the scars. The one thing I have learned here is to have respect for her feelings. Not to be condescending, but I have actually found myself feeling sorry for her. So, I guess some of the hatred is gone. I have a long way to go.

 

I guess I am really lucky, in that I have no hatred towards the the xOW in my stich. I have minimized her role so much that it almost doesn't matter. I don't feel sorry for her, and I hope she doesn't feel sorry for me either.

 

I agree though, that my H's *indiscretion* gave us the impetus to fix not just our M but also the direction that we as individuals were taking in life. It really was a wake-up call. A very painful one, but an alarm nonetheless.

[lasan]

lasan

 

I don't remember if your WH was a serial cheater or not, but I do recall you saying that you D'd him.

 

I am just saying, for me, from a used to be betrayed W perspective, you are no longer with him and had no desire to stay with him. The meanest of the betrayed here is trying to get on with the M, not D. That's all I am saying. Its hard to take advice from someone who isn't where you think you are. Which is how many of the OW here feel. I am not an OW so they don't think I could possibly know what I am talking about sometimes. Its not an accurate asssessment, but I understand it.

 

You know, I agree that the WS is the one that the anger belongs on. But it is VERY presumptuous of any of us here to assume that the WS in these sitches aren't getting the majority of the anger. Just because a BS comes here and vents frustration (something I myself see no point in doing) at the OP, doesn't mean that the WS isn't getting some anger too.

 

Plus, not everyone kicks a cheater to the curb. This board and many others like it are filled with people who didn't kick the cheater to the curb (from whatever side they were on).

 

BTW - I appreciate your stance, even if I can't relate to it. KWIM?

 

I suppose I should post my whole story somewhere huh lol.

 

Yes he was a serial cheater. He cheated on me with everything and everyone. Even with my best friend (who I did forgive even though it changed our friendship obviously. In all honesty, in the end he divorced me for one of the OW. She broke up her family to marry him as well. Now they are getting divorced a few years later.

 

While I was with him, I did everything I could to keep it together. I wanted our marriage. You can't force another person to be faithful. You can't force another person to want to stay. Sure you can hold their kids hostage, use them as pawns and make it clear that if they leave you, they won't see them as often. You can make it clear that if they divorce you, you will make their lives miserable with money, and custody issues. There are men who post on this board who aren't leaving their wives exactly for that reason, and I feel very sad for them.

 

Years later, I am glad to be free of such a toxic person. I am glad for what I learned from this. I am glad that I didn't let my anger consume me.

[herenow]

I guess I am really lucky, in that I have no hatred towards the the xOW in my stich. I have minimized her role so much that it almost doesn't matter. I don't feel sorry for her, and I hope she doesn't feel sorry for me either.

 

I agree though, that my H's *indiscretion* gave us the impetus to fix not just our M but also the direction that we as individuals were taking in life. It really was a wake-up call. A very painful one, but an alarm nonetheless.

 

I pray for the day when I can say she doesn't matter. That will be the day that I stop looking for answers and really put this behind me. I don't envy her, I wouldn't want to be her, but she did have an affair with my H. She had a part of him that was supposed to belong to me and because of that, she does matter. I can feel the day coming that I will let go and move on. When I move on, I will hopefully be better because of what I learned.

[Chapter2]

It seems a certain individual requested both threads be pulled by the mods. Its very sad actually. This person seems to be spinning out of control both personally and on this forum. Its very difficult to continue to feel compassion for someone who continually beats people up for their personal choices. Eventually you just run out. It is sad what has happened to her but that doesn't mean everyone here is responsible for it.

 

So, I went out to dinner, came back and the thread was gone. What happened?

 

I liked the car talk. It brought me back to my sporty days. The 280zx was my first car. Very fast and foolish for a new driver, but it sure was fun. I have since moved on to German technology, but will always be fond of sports cars. Maybe when the kids are older, I'll get another one. Or, maybe it's time for a mid-life crisis.

[herenow]

Hey yousaveme,

I have, as of this second, decided to ignore the one person here who is trying to bring us all down. She has great pain to deal with & finds comfort in harrassing all of us.

So IGNORE it is.

Talk to ya soon.

Peace

 

Just a quick note on ignoring. It is certainly your prerogative to ignore anyone you would like. I feel that I get some answers from people that I disagree with the most. You may not like her style of communication, but she does have some valid points that are worth listening too. Please try to not throw the baby out with the bath water.

[Chapter2]

Lasan, I was going to PM you but you don't have PM privileges...how long did you try? Were there seasons in your marriage that were good or seemed hopeful after a discovered betrayal or was it always bad? From what I've read there is a honeymoon phase when couples try again and if real change doesn't take place then it just goes back to the way things were before the betrayal...

 

I suppose I should post my whole story somewhere huh lol.

 

Yes he was a serial cheater. He cheated on me with everything and everyone. Even with my best friend (who I did forgive even though it changed our friendship obviously. In all honesty, in the end he divorced me for one of the OW. She broke up her family to marry him as well. Now they are getting divorced a few years later.

 

While I was with him, I did everything I could to keep it together. I wanted our marriage. You can't force another person to be faithful. You can't force another person to want to stay. Sure you can hold their kids hostage, use them as pawns and make it clear that if they leave you, they won't see them as often. You can make it clear that if they divorce you, you will make their lives miserable with money, and custody issues. There are men who post on this board who aren't leaving their wives exactly for that reason, and I feel very sad for them.

 

Years later, I am glad to be free of such a toxic person. I am glad for what I learned from this. I am glad that I didn't let my anger consume me.

[blind_otter]

you guys can take your lighter threads over to the watercooler, that's the place for "local community chatter" anyways.

 

I think per LS rules, you're supposed to try to confine posts to those revelvant to specific discussion areas. The water cooler was created for the more relaxing, less emotionally charged chit chats.

 

I'm just saying.

[peacelove]

Would someone advise as to where "someone" could post about anger/anger mgt. etc... Thank you!

[herenow]

Lasan, I was going to PM you but you don't have PM privileges...how long did you try? Were there seasons in your marriage that were good or seemed hopeful after a discovered betrayal or was it always bad? From what I've read there is a honeymoon phase when couples try again and if real change doesn't take place then it just goes back to the way things were before the betrayal...

 

I know you're not asking me, but I have to answer. The "honeymoon phase" is the most terrifying concept for me. It has been over 9 months since D-day and things seem to be on the right track. I have no idea what to expect next. Is this the phase or is it real? I think that is a question every BW asks every day.

 

I would like to believe that my gut will tell me if something is wrong, but who really knows for sure? We are the only ones that occupy our minds. We are truly alone in what we think. Makes me wonder if I will ever be able to trust another person and that scares me.

[bonehead]

the threads.

 

Thank you to those who saw them for their true intent.

 

There are a couple people on here who know EXECTLY what I was dealing with when I started the lighten up thread.

 

As far as ignoring,

 

Nothing anyone could say on here would ever hurt or offend me. Callme the biggest a*shole in the world and I will freely agree with you.( actually pretty proud of it in fact ) Call me a cold hearted bast*rd, I will again agree.

 

As far as the BS issues.

 

HELLO IVE BEEN THERE!!

 

Doesnt mean Im going to lash out at every OM I run into. ( Ouch, just hit myself, da*n OM anyway.) I know there were issues in my marriage that contributied to her affair. DO I blame her OM, NOT A BIT.

 

On being the OM. I was a choice betwwen her and I. Was she married, yes she was. Did I know it? Yes I did. Was it right, thats not up to this forum to decide.

 

No one on this forum can JUDGE ME. I know who I have to answer to.

 

Now that thats off my chest;

 

 

GOOD AFTERNOON EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[herenow]

the threads.

 

Thank you to those who saw them for their true intent.

 

There are a couple people on here who know EXECTLY what I was dealing with when I started the lighten up thread.

 

As far as ignoring,

 

Nothing anyone could say on here would ever hurt or offend me. Callme the biggest a*shole in the world and I will freely agree with you.( actually pretty proud of it in fact ) Call me a cold hearted bast*rd, I will again agree.

 

As far as the BS issues.

 

HELLO IVE BEEN THERE!!

 

Doesnt mean Im going to lash out at every OM I run into. ( Ouch, just hit myself, da*n OM anyway.) I know there were issues in my marriage that contributied to her affair. DO I blame her OM, NOT A BIT.

 

On being the OM. I was a choice betwwen her and I. Was she married, yes she was. Did I know it? Yes I did. Was it right, thats not up to this forum to decide.

 

No one on this forum can JUDGE ME. I know who I have to answer to.

 

Now that thats off my chest;

 

 

GOOD AFTERNOON EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Bonehead,

 

I agree with most everything you say. It's your choice on how you take the information that is here and what you do with it. I strongly disagree with you on one very important point:

 

I'm in California, so it's GOOD MORNING!!!!!!!!!!!

[peacelove]

If I may add a "Thank You BoneHead".

 

THANK YOU!!!

[Chapter2]

HN, no problem in responding. You are one of the most "real" BS's I've ever read about on LS. You have humility, you aren't afraid to show your humanity in that you have real fears that you face and deal with, you show compassion, you honestly try to look at both sides, you seem to realize no one is perfect and you speak to others with class and respect.

 

Your H is a fool if he doesn't see what a treasure he has in you. I hope with all my heart that you two make it. I really do.

 

I was asking about the honeymoon phase in this case because I wonder about the couples who have repetative honeymoon phases...the BS's that have been caught two and three times, they go back to counseling and then everything returns to the status quo. My xMM has been caught many times and each time they go to counseling, seem to be doing wonderfully but then it has happened again. Maybe this time it will stick. I don't know.

 

I confess I want the very worst life has to offer him. Some may not understand that but I seem to be in a phase now where I am enraged that he would make so many promises he had no right to ever make to anyone but his wife and, worse yet, that I believed him. I'm trying to find the answers to unanswerable questions. That sounds smart, huh?

 

My prayer for myself is that going through all these stages will land me right at apathy's door. That is, hopefully, my destination.

 

I know you're not asking me, but I have to answer. The "honeymoon phase" is the most terrifying concept for me. It has been over 9 months since D-day and things seem to be on the right track. I have no idea what to expect next. Is this the phase or is it real? I think that is a question every BW asks every day.

 

I would like to believe that my gut will tell me if something is wrong, but who really knows for sure? We are the only ones that occupy our minds. We are truly alone in what we think. Makes me wonder if I will ever be able to trust another person and that scares me.