Yes, I Looked At Naked Women

[rtHawk]

Sometimes I think that naked women alone is more demeaning to the wife than sexual activity. Strange as that sounds...when one gets excited from watching two people go at it, then he or she is focusing on the whole scene. When you look at a naked woman, you focus on her looks and features. Then you can easier compare your wife to the women you most "love" to look at. As all men, you probably have favorites..bigger breasts, larger butts, blonde or brunette, etc. If she is lacking or is different in any of these areas, she may feel offended. However, when she sees that you watch the activity, she may quicker think that sexual activity appeals to you more than a particular woman.

 

I have been posting on another post, but I read this and I AGREE with you on this wholeheartedly!..this to some degree is my salvation in dealing with my partner's porn. I am glad a man can see this as so too.

[Pink_Tulip]

Hey garvis. I have mentioned this on a few other threads, but I'll ask again here. As I have said before, my H and I have a porn free marriage. But, I get that men are very visual, so with the aid of a digital camera with video option, he has all the visual stimulation he needs - of ME. I can understand your wife being hurt by you getting off to other women, and I can understand your desire to look at naked women. Have you thought about looking at naked pics of your wife? Is it something you are even interested in? Is this something you two could compromise on?

[garvis]

Hey garvis. I have mentioned this on a few other threads, but I'll ask again here. As I have said before, my H and I have a porn free marriage. But, I get that men are very visual, so with the aid of a digital camera with video option, he has all the visual stimulation he needs - of ME. I can understand your wife being hurt by you getting off to other women, and I can understand your desire to look at naked women. Have you thought about looking at naked pics of your wife? Is it something you are even interested in? Is this something you two could compromise on?

 

That an interesting question. I don't really know. I don't think I need that since just being NEAR her gets me excited. Maybe your suggestion is a possibility...thanks. I really don't have any attachment to online pics. I really don't, since I haven't done that for quite a while now. I don't feel like I have a need for it or desire for it. But there were times when my wife and I were not on the same page with intimacy. My wife isn't the most affectionate person. But how do I keep asking for it without being needy and ending up pushing her away? I don't know. Relationships ebb and flow, I guess.

 

But I looked at online pics and there's nothing I can do to change that. I feel bad that I hurt my wife's feelings and I had hoped talking about it here and getting some suggestions would help. I think it has. Thanks again.

[norajane]

Has she made comments about the wonderful sex she had before you or have you assumed that it was all wonderful? Or do you think that during sex, she is comparing you to previous lovers? I can see why you would feel bad, because you would assume that since she has more experience, then she thinks you are not doing a "good job" at sex. Has she ever made comments about the great sex she has had, or has she ever compared you to previous experiences? If she has, then maybe this is something that needs to be discussed.

 

Look, I've had lots of sex over the years, and even if it was good/great/fantastic, it's never something I think about with my SO, especially not when he and I are having sex! Just because a woman has had multiple sex partners in the past, doesn't mean she cares about any of them or ever thinks of them!

 

Yes, my SO is the best lover I've ever had, and he believes it when I tell him so because he himself can see how we are together. Pay more attention to the kind of sex YOU are having with your wife rather than imagining her past lovers and what kind of sex she had with them. Who cares about them??? If they were who she wanted, she'd be with them, wouldn't she?

 

As for the "really big" penis, really big probably means TOO big. There is such a thing, it's painful, and it's no fun to have to deal with!!!

[slimmontana]

I don't see anything wrong with looking at naked women!! They are beautiful just as long as you don't take it to the extreme where it inteferes with your relationship, work and stuff of that nature but on your down time and there is nothing to do..dont fight that testosterone..we have so much testosterone that we don't know what to do with it. I think its a healthy thing if done in moderation.

[Pink_Tulip]

That an interesting question. I don't really know. I don't think I need that since just being NEAR her gets me excited. Maybe your suggestion is a possibility...thanks. I really don't have any attachment to online pics. I really don't, since I haven't done that for quite a while now. I don't feel like I have a need for it or desire for it. But there were times when my wife and I were not on the same page with intimacy. My wife isn't the most affectionate person. But how do I keep asking for it without being needy and ending up pushing her away? I don't know. Relationships ebb and flow, I guess.

 

But I looked at online pics and there's nothing I can do to change that. I feel bad that I hurt my wife's feelings and I had hoped talking about it here and getting some suggestions would help. I think it has. Thanks again.

 

I understand about not needing the online pics, my H doesn't either. But there are certainly times where he is in the mood and I am not, that he enjoys looking at his little collection.

 

I really have no interest in the pics and videos he takes, it does nothing for me, and in fact I don't like looking at them b/c I get self conscious, lol. BUT. I really like watching my H take the pics, and then watching him look at them later. He is like a kid in a candy store. After we take some pics, he gets all excited and kisses me all over saying thank you! repeatedely, then runs off to his computer where he downloads them. Then he calls me in to show me, pointing out his favorite pics and telling me why they are his favorite. All the while, his eyes as big as dinner plates. And it is ME he is looking at, ME he is so excited to take pics of. It is very flattering and heart warming to know I have that affect on him. Do you think your wife would feel that? If you explained it isn't about the women, you just were being curious, but what you'd REALLY like is to look at HER? Then tell her how beautiful she is, how you love looking at her during sex, etc. It may help your issue. In the future if she isn't in the mood, you have some help, and more importantly, she will see first hand that it is HER you are interested in and want to be with, you know? Heck, even if you have to exxagerate your excitedness, the boost to her self esteem may be worth it. My H tells me all the time how much he enjoys looking at his pics, and tells me about ideas he has for new ones. And even tho I don't get the whole visual stimulation thing, I like to feel that desire from him. It is a win win situation, IMO.

[garvis]

norajane - I know, I know, I know. I keep telling myself this over and over again. It shouldn't matter to me, right? But the fact is that the thought of your wife with anyone else but you is disturbing. It makes it more difficult when there is a name, a face and "details" about the other person and encounter. It's something that gets played in the mind, visually over and over. Yes, it's in the past and no amount of sulking and worrying will do a damn bit of good. It's my insecurities. I'm working on getting over this stuff. I would love to hear from anyone who has gotten over thoughts and feelings like I have. I'd like to know what worked for them (besides meds and therapy). Thanks for your input.

 

Pink_Tulip - I think what you and your husband have done together is great. It's a really creative solution to what could be a problem. Thanks for sharing that - maybe it will be something my wife and I explore. I think I need to get my head screwed properly into place first. Thanks again.

[Guest]

norajane - I know, I know, I know. I keep telling myself this over and over again. It shouldn't matter to me, right? But the fact is that the thought of your wife with anyone else but you is disturbing. It makes it more difficult when there is a name, a face and "details" about the other person and encounter. It's something that gets played in the mind, visually over and over. Yes, it's in the past and no amount of sulking and worrying will do a damn bit of good. It's my insecurities. I'm working on getting over this stuff. I would love to hear from anyone who has gotten over thoughts and feelings like I have. I'd like to know what worked for them (besides meds and therapy). Thanks for your input.

 

Pink_Tulip - I think what you and your husband have done together is great. It's a really creative solution to what could be a problem. Thanks for sharing that - maybe it will be something my wife and I explore. I think I need to get my head screwed properly into place first. Thanks again.

 

Garvis;

here is just one thought I would offer you. Like many people get stuck with an issue or thought; women like me get stuck with the porn issue and how to handle it cope with it/struggle in their mind -, it seems you are as well stuck with this. I would offer at least writing your thuoughts and feelings out in notebook, in a letter to your wife, yourself, to no one, but the process of writing allows for a differnt self-relfection and you can come back to it to think and rethink and see if there is a change or progress. If you give it to your wife, there is a new mode of communication that takes away from some of the direct strife, or embarrassment or worry.

[garvis]

Garvis;

here is just one thought I would offer you. Like many people get stuck with an issue or thought; women like me get stuck with the porn issue and how to handle it cope with it/struggle in their mind -, it seems you are as well stuck with this. I would offer at least writing your thuoughts and feelings out in notebook, in a letter to your wife, yourself, to no one, but the process of writing allows for a differnt self-relfection and you can come back to it to think and rethink and see if there is a change or progress. If you give it to your wife, there is a new mode of communication that takes away from some of the direct strife, or embarrassment or worry.

 

I agree with you. I need to get my thoughts and feelings out. In fact, I actually wrote my wife a letter and showed it to her. I don't know what I was hoping for by doing this...I guess some reassurance. She expressed concern for my mental well being, but really didn't go beyond that. She doesn't want to talk about it. I think she just wants it to go away. It's true that I am the only person to rid myself of these thoughts and feelings. I guess I was hoping for some conversation or input from her. Maybe that would make things worse for me.

 

Does anyone think I should bring this up again with my wife? I'm trying to be careful about this because I don't want her to start feeling guilty for something she shouldn't feel guilty about.

[norajane]

Is there anything she could say that would possibly make you feel better or help you stop thinking about this? If so, then tell her what would make you feel better. She can't read your mind - obviously - so if you'd like her to reassure you of something, tell her what kind of reassurance you need to hear.

 

If there isn't anything she can say, then what's the point of discussing it further? You're putting too much importance on this as it is, and yes, you risk alienating your wife if you continue to bring it up. It will sound like you're blaming her for her past.

 

When you get those thoughts that drive you crazy, treat yourself like a child obsessed with something: tell yourself NO, and replace your thoughts with something else to distract you.

[Guest]

When Porn Goes Mainstream - switch to erotic

 

When it comes to women and porn, females today are actually and subtly nudged to have an approval of porn, and is blanketed around the notions of sexual empowerment. That really is a dis-service and a way that men can use to construct the female sex life along the same lines men do.

 

For me the key to having porn as an occassional accessory in a relationship is for the activitiy t be agreeable and seductive to both partners and for material to be "erotic" rather than "pornographic."

 

Porn is objectifying and derogatory while erotica depicts mutually satisfying sex between equal partners. Most view using it as part of a healthy, secure sex life and it should be with the inclusion not the exclusion of your partner.

Now the question often asked is this, how would looking at two other people having sex spark any desire from a man to a women? For me, that was the main reason i wanted to do that in the first place - See the 'spark' for me was seeing her excited, being open enuff with me to show that.

 

However when couples do not communicate with each other about sensitive issues relating to sexuality, the viewing of porn will destroy a relationship.

Watching porn did not harm me or want to act out things I saw but it my watching did effect how my wife viewed me during initimate moments - I know once she told me it felt like i was 'not there' - in order words 'acting out the porn script - and that was extremely hurtful to me because i had never been anything but with her in the moment. And because I think intimacy, passion, and sexuality is a huge part of a successful marriage and that sex should be enjoyable not something negative, I vowed to never have porn in my life again. I believe that for the brief time watching porn was in our life it did extreme harm to how she viewed me and made her turn negative towards sex and in fact, porn did more harm to her than i because suddenly she saw me wanting just a quick f-ck, when she always knew that

i am a romantic and would never use sex for the sake of sex. So my wife and i need some counselling on this issue because if she is ever to love me again she must understand these words and let us communicate and not hide from these things.

[rtHawk]

QUOTE]When it comes to women and porn, females today are actually and subtly nudged to have an approval of porn, and is blanketed around the notions of sexual empowerment. That really is a dis-service and a way that men can use to construct the female sex life along the same lines men do.

 

that is sooooooo sooooooo true and I do believe it is a dis-service; there are many similar parallels of women and men but there are many different as well.

 

However when couples do not communicate with each other about sensitive issues relating to sexuality, the viewing of porn will destroy a relationship.

Watching porn did not harm me or want to act out things I saw but it my watching did effect how my wife viewed me during initimate moments - I know once she told me it felt like i was 'not there' - in order words 'acting out the porn script - and that was extremely hurtful to me because i had never been anything but with her in the moment. And because I think intimacy, passion, and sexuality is a huge part of a successful marriage and that sex should be enjoyable not something negative, I vowed to never have porn in my life again. I believe that for the brief time watching porn was in our life it did extreme harm to how she viewed me and made her turn negative towards sex and in fact, porn did more harm to her than i because suddenly she saw me wanting just a quick f-ck, when she always knew that

i am a romantic and would never use sex for the sake of sex. So my wife and i need some counselling on this issue because if she is ever to love me again she must understand these words and let us communicate and not hide from these things.

 

I found this honesty to be incredibly profound. Communication is extremely impt and I too believe that initmacy, passion and sexuality are an impt of a loving relationship and should be treated as if it is 'in the best interest of both partners" above material and unnecessary things.

 

I only wonder how many women and men could stop to look into themselves and their behaviour, or the behaviour of their partner to recognize that porn can(not saying always and for all) change how you are with your partner in intimacy. How many people can recognize it and talk about and then have the caring to put it aside in light of how it could and may have been harmful.

[WoWaddict]

Me and my bf came to sort of a compromise. Porn makes me feel very inadequete. It just makes me very self conscious, because there are certain things that I have issues with when it comes to my body.

 

For awhile it was getting to be a problem, because of his own personal inadequecies, the porn was becoming borderline cheating (he had webcam nudies of girls he knew irl). He was feeling inadequate, and insecure, and in trying to make himself feel better, he ended up hurting me and making me feel that way about myself.

I've gotten over it, we've sorted out the issues, and moved on.

 

It almost destroyed our relationship. He kept promising to stop, and for awhile I believed him because things were going great. We ended up 1000 miles apart for a short time while I finished out a semester at college (we were working on moving). When I finally moved down with him, I saw a folder on his desktop that was titled a girl's name.... and calmly asked him about it. He admitted to the whole thing right away... did not try to lie his way out of it (thankfully). We sat down and had a very serious talk... no screaming, no name calling, no fighting, and he finally saw how it was affecting me. That reality check, thankfully, is what it took..... because 4 months later, there still hasn't been any problems (knock on wood).

 

This has a lot to do with my porn anxiety as well, so it's not just irrational female emotion. there is some factual base for how I feel. I have gotten more comfortable with certain things, more than I used to. But I am always nervous that its going to go back to that.

 

 

anyways, he's suggested we watch some dvds together to get ideas to spice things up. which i really like, but I'm not comfortable doing yet. I'm sure he does that in his spare time, because occasionally he has a new trick up his sleeve... and im sure he got it from somewhere. I don't mind it, because it's not malicious, and it's actually helping our sex life.

 

**But back to the compromise....**

 

we make our own porn. this has helped me out emotionally so much, as weird as that sounds. he wants to make a collection of movies (and burn it onto dvds) of us, rather than porn with the perfectly made up, boobalicious women.

We also take lots of pictures and whatnot. We don't get to see each other mon-thurs because of school and work, so I send him webcam pics and whatnot.

It makes him feel good to get them in the email. He knows that I love him and I'm thinking about him, and that I still find him sexually attractive.

It makes me feel good, because he likes the pictures and movies that we make more than porn.

[rtHawk]

we make our own porn. this has helped me out emotionally so much, as weird as that sounds. he wants to make a collection of movies (and burn it onto dvds) of us, rather than porn with the perfectly made up, boobalicious women.

We also take lots of pictures and whatnot. We don't get to see each other mon-thurs because of school and work, so I send him webcam pics and whatnot.

It makes him feel good to get them in the email. He knows that I love him and I'm thinking about him, and that I still find him sexually attractive.

It makes me feel good, because he likes the pictures and movies that we make more than porn.

 

WE are still in the process of having some discussions, but we have made our own movies; for the same and for differerent reasons. We too are futhere apart and it gave me some sense of balance between the "real" stuff we made and the commercial porn. It at least felt there was some sort of balancing out of the connection vs disconnect with porn. BUT, my problem has become that when he moved, all was packed up and he hasn't taken it out--when I mentioned it, it didn't even get addressed and then was sort of forgotten about, but everytime I am with him, I keep noticing it isn't out and about like it used to be so I know he isn't looking at our movies but only the commercial stuff.

That-, now really becomes a self-esteem downer, because it has left me wondering if he is not bored with our stuff, seeing me in person and also in the video--- ?? does he need to see other women's vagina's too get off" "does he need to see other women and is bored looking at me?

talk about how insecure this can make one feel.

I am probably alot like you Wowaddict in some ways about how I view myself and porn so I can hear you.

I am hoping that my initiating some communciation about all of this and how seriously it affects me, my psyche "during our out initimacy" (that is the worst part) so I can get to a more comfortable and better place in my mind..... it is there that all my desire and arousal is at and it does need to in a better place for me to feel competely into our time together.

[WoWaddict]

WE are still in the process of having some discussions, but we have made our own movies; for the same and for differerent reasons. We too are futhere apart and it gave me some sense of balance between the "real" stuff we made and the commercial porn. It at least felt there was some sort of balancing out of the connection vs disconnect with porn. BUT, my problem has become that when he moved, all was packed up and he hasn't taken it out--when I mentioned it, it didn't even get addressed and then was sort of forgotten about, but everytime I am with him, I keep noticing it isn't out and about like it used to be so I know he isn't looking at our movies but only the commercial stuff.

That-, now really becomes a self-esteem downer, because it has left me wondering if he is not bored with our stuff, seeing me in person and also in the video--- ?? does he need to see other women's vagina's too get off" "does he need to see other women and is bored looking at me?

talk about how insecure this can make one feel.

I am probably alot like you Wowaddict in some ways about how I view myself and porn so I can hear you.

I am hoping that my initiating some communciation about all of this and how seriously it affects me, my psyche "during our out initimacy" (that is the worst part) so I can get to a more comfortable and better place in my mind..... it is there that all my desire and arousal is at and it does need to in a better place for me to feel competely into our time together.

 

 

this is why i really like these forums. i like being able to relate to people, and having people relate to me.

 

this is such a touchy issue with me, it's good to know that there are other people that feel the same way.

 

As far as your movies being still packed up, I can see why you would be upset.... but I can try to give you a pretty reasonable explanation. My boyfriend STILL has things in boxes from when he moved last feb. He despises unpacking. he either doesn't have time or doesn't feel like it. I am almost as bad. If something is in a box and I don't want to unpack the box... i make due until I absolutely have no other choice but to unpack it.

 

my suggestion, is to initiate making some new movies. your bf probably hates unpacking just as much as mine (i hear its a guy thing). I don't think it has anything to do with you, and he probably doesn't even know it bothers you. Asking about unpacking might actually sound like nagging to him, even though your not. He probably thinks you are nagging him about unpacking everything, not just the movies you guys made.

 

Just tape some new movies, and see what happens. He'll be thankful that he has some hot stuff to watch and he can continue to procrastinate. If there are still some issues after that, I would make it a point to have a conversation with him about it.

[rtHawk]

QUOTE]this is why i really like these forums. i like being able to relate to people, and having people relate to me.

 

this is such a touchy issue with me, it's good to know that there are other people that feel the same way.

 

I SO WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE WITH YOU ON THAT...IT VALIDATES WHAT WE FEEL AND DOESN'T COME BACK AT US WITH THE SAME LAME LINES WE GET; "get over it" "join him it might spice up your sex life" "visual blah blah" it all gets pretty old and unsupportive after a while.

so THANKS!

As far as your movies being still packed up, I can see why you would be upset.... but I can try to give you a pretty reasonable explanation. My boyfriend STILL has things in boxes from when he moved last feb. He despises unpacking. he either doesn't have time or doesn't feel like it. I am almost as bad. If something is in a box and I don't want to unpack the box... i make due until I absolutely have no other choice but to unpack it.

 

I "think" and really hope you are right in that... it is a bit more reassuring to hope for that reason; as I do know he still has things in his old place ( relative living there now--in a locke storage area) and so he may not have brought up everything, but do know I have seen the camera at least.

 

My dillema with that is that he didn't seem to have a problem unpacking the commercial porn--it is out in the open ( both a good thing and not so good)and getting used

but I have mentioned the idea of resurrecting the camera again and he never responded---- which is odd becuase he was more into the idea of making the movies than I was; until I really got into knowing it would be fun but more importantly, as much as it is a bit difficult to look at your own self that way, what I did notice that your'll never see in porn--EVER--is just how much touching, eye contact, kissing, body touching, hands etc. we do and that in some ways is more "hot" and arousing but as beautiful if not more than to see the sex itself.

Now I asked him about getting the cam out and he seemed to forget I did or hasn't gotten around to thinking about it anymore --don't know,

 

I am truly hoping this can be worked out.... I love him with all my heart, our intimacy is important to both of us, and I really need to get my head in a better place.

[WoWaddict]

I would really try talking to him, find out what's up. I doubt its anything major, but if he unpacked the commercial stuff, i kind of think he should unpack your stuff too. It is kind of insulting to see the commercial stuff lying around.

 

If it's really bothering you, its important to communicate that to him.

 

Like I said, its probably nothing and he most likely doesn't know its an issue, especially if you havent let him know its bothering you. You'll feel better having it out in the open, instead of eating you up.

[rtHawk]

If it's really bothering you, its important to communicate that to him.

 

Like I said, its probably nothing and he most likely doesn't know its an issue, especially if you havent let him know its bothering you. You'll feel better having it out in the open, instead of eating you up.

 

Yup, that is why i wrote him a letter about it, as we won't get to be with each other now until New Years:( ...

 

and it is better for me to have gotten my feelings and thoughts off my chest, just wish it could have been in person, but I also just couldn't let it go any longer as it is just tearing me up.

My apprehenshion is that I hope he will be understanding and kind in his response and not get defensive and angry.... I never placed any blame, I was not confrontational or aggressive. I really put it in the context of how I feel, my issues and the effect it has on me.

 

THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT --WOW!

[rble618740]

I can see both sides of this argument. I don't sign on to LS to change anyone's opinions, but I'm interested if these two points make a difference in your analysis of this issue.

 

1. In this day and age, with the internet especially, porn is not a random somebody on a movie or in a magazine. The people in the video your husband is watching are one click away from being in direct contact with him. I trust my husband but I also think each person in a marriage has some responsibility to avoid obvious temptation.

 

2. Isn't lusting for something you don't have rejecting, in a way, what you do have? I am a decent-looking, successful, smart professional woman who REALLY works hard at marriage. I can say, without a doubt, that I am a great wife. I know my husband would agree with that. What I am not, and cannot be, is an 18 year old, 5'10" blonde. When he seeks that, he's rejecting me. The way in which a lot of women do this to men is not through porn. From a man's perspective, the equivalent is a wife who cannot stop rubbing in her husband's face in what other men do or buy for their wives. Wanting what the other hubands can provide is a form of rejecting what her own husband provides. It makes a man feel like he cannot provide the things his wife wants.

 

It's not the end of the world. It's not cheating, in my book. It is very hurtful though and, because of the first point I made, I think it can be very dangerous.