Am I Wrong?

[PCO]

I'm a bit lost right now, not sure if my emotions are correct or just plain looney and I hope someone here could help me out. This is a bit long winded..

 

I am getting married within the year to a woman that I have fallen deeply in love with. We have alot of things in common but at times we could be polar opposites. A few days ago, I went to work and she tells me she is going out with a friend. I agree to pick her up after I got off of work and as I am getting close, I call her to let her know I am in the vicinity. She tells me to find parking and come to the cafe that she was at and be "sociable". I find her and she leads me to a table where she has been sitting with her friend; another male. The 3 of us have a pleasant conversation and everything, nothing seems to be out of the ordinary and I ask the gentleman if he needs a ride to the train station. He replies in the affirmative and I drop him off without incident. I noticed my fiancee putting her hands on this young man's hands at one point during the conversation but thought nothing of it. I thought she was just showing him that she was paying attention to him.

 

On the way home, my fiancee mentions in passing that her and the gentleman used to date. News to me. Then she continues about the movie that they saw together earlier in the evening (a film which I really wanted to watch with her) and tells me she would love to see it again with me. I am speechless at this point and I try to continue our conversation as if I didn't feel a pain in my heart. I tell myself this woman loves me and we are going to be married so I should not be upset about her going out with her ex-boyfriend. 2 days pass and I am trying not to let it bother me but it hurts. I feel my heartache. She feels this is perfectly acceptable while I agree that friends of the opposite sex is not a problem, a woman that is going to be married should not be going out on a date with someone who they have had a relationship with. I told her how I felt and her response was that I scared her by reacting like this and it's better off that she doesn't associate with ANY of her past boyfriends. I told her that is not what I want, I don't mind them socializing but to go out on a date is just not right. She became defensive, and I don't know what to do. I love this woman so much and I can't wait to be married to her. I am afraid to lose her.

 

Any words of advice?

[Krytellan]

This seems to have a little bit of everything:

 

You seem to have a woman that is lacking a little bit in the "consideration" department. She should know better than to act as matter-of-factly about the incident as she has, especially when going out with an ex... this is always worth mentioning. Either her casualness about it is in an attempt to hide something, or she just is not a generally aware person. Kind of selfish in a way. Is there other evidence to suggest this?

 

On the other hand, she in no way changed your plans with her and had you come meet them... this is a plus. If there was really something going on here, it would take A LOT of balls for someone to do that. So that makes it seem innocent enough. I wouldn't read too much into the hand touching thing if it didn't make you think anything at the time.

 

Her defensiveness about the incident bothers me. Does she have a pattern of making you feel that you are usually wrong for feeling the way you do? When you express being mad at her does she somehow seem to end up finding a way to make you apologize? My guess here is yes. If this is so, then be VERY skeptical about this person. Marrying a person you can never win with and that is never wrong is not a good thing. I married one... for 1.5 years.

 

I would simply tell her that she is being childish. There is nothing wrong with expecting your fiancee to tell you when she is going out with someone that he is an ex-boyfriend... good lord this should be mandatory. These are basic aspects of consideration and respect for your partner. Do you have a history of acting jealous with her?

 

I am saying this in case my presumptions from 2 paragraphs up are true... if not, then disregard to whatever extent you feel necessary. DO NOT be afraid to cause a fight about this. I wish to GOD that I had caused more fights with my wife before we married. Instead I thought to my self 'I'll just give in, no harm done'. WRONG, there is much harm done and it feeds itself until it becomes something that cannot be changed. I would strongly suggest that you do not marry someone that is always right at your expense.

 

Please let me know where I presumed falsely, because I feel that I can provide some more insight. What little you tell me about her seems very familiar.

[westernxer]

I told her how I felt and her response was that I scared her by reacting like this and it's better off that she doesn't associate with ANY of her past boyfriends.

 

People shouldn't hang out with their exes if they're in a relationship with someone else. It usually means bad news.

 

Come to think of it, just hanging out with the opposite sex can be bad news if you're in a relationship. It's disrespectful, especially if the other is not comfortable with it.

 

You two have a lot to talk about.

[PCO]

She tells me things that contradict herself and I find it weird because she is such an intelligent woman, well spoken, ivy league educated, the whole nine yards. Her sense of observations is "sharp" according to her but at times I have seen her in a daze. We debate politics and current events once in a while and when there is a difference of opinion, she seems to take charge and generally "wins" the debate. I get tired of arguing and just want her to be happy. You are correct Krytellan, I do end up apologizing more times than not for the reason I just wrote.

 

I agree with you westernxer. A phone call here or there to say hello I have no problems with. When you go out on a "date", its a BIG problem.

[tikigods]

my advice is to not get married anytime soon. You guys sound like you have a lot of issues that you need to work out before you tie the knot. How long have youb een dating before you guys got engaged? Hanging out with an ex is a nono in my book, and the fact she wasn't upfront with you in the first place that that was who she was going to hang out with is very misleading and uncool.

 

The other big thing is you feel like you can't talk to her, and that you let her win, you place her happiness far above yorus, and while that is nice, you can't keep being the doormat to her when in debates or in matters like this.

 

again don't get married till you work these issues out.

[Krytellan]

PCO, all I can do is implore you to consider the devastating effects that what I have mentioned to you can have on a relationship. You WILL get tired of giving in. And when you have finally had enough and stop giving in, it is very possible that she will pull the "you've changed" card on you. My ex did that when I stopped admitting blame all the time. I told her "yes, I have changed. I have stopped putting up with your crap." Well, that was the beginning of the end for us.

 

I would say that if there is any way you can maximize the time you have before marriage, do it. Give it time to happen if it's gonna.

[PCO]

We planned to get married September of 07. We have known each other since March of this year. Thanks for all the friendly advice, I really appreciate everyone's input and I hope I could offer what little advices I have in the future. I'm going to try to work things out and hope for the best.

[norajane]

I told her how I felt and her response was that I scared her by reacting like this and it's better off that she doesn't associate with ANY of her past boyfriends.

 

So, basically, she was willing to stop seeing any exes because of how you felt about it.

 

I told her that is not what I want, I don't mind them socializing but to go out on a date is just not right. She became defensive, and I don't know what to do.

 

What's the difference between socializing and a date? She became defensive because she didn't consider it a date, but you were essentially saying she had been on a date, and that's why you were upset.

 

You need to clarify what behavior upsets you and what does not.

[Zato]

I think that she should have known better to have gone out like that with her ex. Its simply disrespectful - considering she didn't tell you that they had dated until after it was already happening.

 

Im not really in your situation so I can't really tell you what I think you should do, but I do think you need to realize that she is being naive to think that it wouldn't bother you. Especially since she didn't bother talking to you about it. Surprising - the smartest people can be the dumbest.

 

My ex which I was with for over 2 years was amazing, brilliant, mature and beautiful. After we broke up it had only been a month and starts dating my best friend. They both knew I was FAR from over her and both believe there is "nothing" wrong with what they are doing.

 

Even the smartest people can be ****ing ridiculous.