hillbilly_1971 Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 It's now been 3 weeks since she told me she wants a divorce. Things are still cold, but have warmed up. She still gives indications that love is still in her heart, but then slams the door the next day. Just Thursday night, she was playful and actually allowed me to give her a kiss on the lips. When I came home from work, I ask her "Where are we?" She said that she couldn't answer that. I told her that I didn't want to take it the wrong way and that I'm not pushing her. She told me to be myself, but she won't allow that. I'm a "touch" person, hugs, back rubs, touching in passing, kissing, none of which she is open to right now. When I talk to her about feelings, she softens up, her shoulders drop and her eyes tell a story of hope. But then her defense mech. kicks in and she slams me. I'm trying to give her space to get her thoughts in order. I think she is more confused than I am. Where is the "EASY BUTTON" that I can push to show her that my words and actions are not just for show, that they are for real, that they are the new me. I've made these changes for me first, for her, for US! She almost has the Walk away Wife syndrome, she is distancing herself from our girls as well as me. What can I do? I love her so much and feel that there is still that same love in her. How do I get her to open her heart to see that love without pushing her away.
PWSX3 Posted December 9, 2006 Posted December 9, 2006 I take it you still are living together? This is just a suggestion, but if you are changing as you say try doing something that will show her. Pick up a book such as The Five Love Languages or His needs, Her needs and start reading it at home. DON'T tell her to read it but if she asked what you are doing just tell her you are trying to make yourself a better person and husband. Don't tell her what is in the book but do it for yourself just like I said to be a better person. If she picks the book up and looks at it then fine, that would be a bonus. I have learned a lot about relationships just by reading books in the last 3 months and no matter what happens it will help you understand relationships and maybe it will help you understand where she is coming from. I think you W is just confused and yes she is probably more confused then you are but that is something she will have to work out herself. I don't know if you help around the house but maybe start helping doing some of the little things so she can have some time to herself. Maybe make a meal and surprise her or just vacuum the floor once in a while, just little things. You asked; where is the "EASY BUTTON", there isn't such a button and if there was you wouldn't want to use it because if you did you would tell yourself that was easy and go right back to where you were. Going thru this pain is what makes it stick in your mind and makes you a stronger person and believe me it will help you understand many other situations in your life besides your marriage, it has for me. Good luck
Author hillbilly_1971 Posted December 10, 2006 Author Posted December 10, 2006 I'm scared that she will leave me and our daughters. She just seems to want to be alone, that will make her happy. As I've said before she shows a breakdown when I talk to her about us and how I feel about her, indicating to me that there is still love there, but then she puts that fence up around her heart and blocks me out. It hurts so bad living here in our house and its like I'm not welcomed. Then other times things seem to be going good, but there is still no physical connection, no hugs, kisses, just the little things that we always did. My heart jumps a beat whenever we are in the same room together, and I don't know what to say to her. What do I do? A friend of mine said that she is doing to me what I did to her in a microcosim. In minutes, hours, and days she is building me up and then tearing me down just like I apparently did to her over days, weeks and months. I've always shown her love, that isn't an issue here. How do I get her out of this rut, this mid-life crisis she seems to be in?
Ladyjane14 Posted December 10, 2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Hillbilly, you're going to have to RELAX. There's literally NOTHING you can do when it comes to making another person's choices for them. You can only make your own. When you make the best choices you're capable of... you might sometimes set up the parameters that will grease the wheel for your partner to choose you. But at the end of the day, you still can't make that choice for her. It's weirdly liberating when you realize that the final choice is out of your hands. It leads you to acceptance of the idea that 'the best we can do, is really ALL we can do'. So, you can fix the problems that YOU brought to the marriage table, but you can't fix hers. Just concentrate on the positive actions that YOU can do... and stop trying to second guess your wife. The future will reveal itself in good time, and by taking care of your own sh*t... you've already done your best. If you haven't done so already, read through the Basic Concepts section at marriagebuilders, as well as the article there on 'Why Women Leave Men'. Also pick up a copy of The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This will get you started thinking about what other positive changes you might make.
jmargel Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Actions speak louder than words, so instead of 'telling' her, show her. Find a counselor for yourself and go. Let her know that you are going and that if she wants to at any time, she can join. She's afraid you'll slowly go back to the way you were treating her, so of course her fence is up. She's probably heard the same stories before. Giving her, her space.. treat it as a gift you are giving her (though, don't tell her that). Let her come to you. If you keep pushing her, smothering her, how can she come to you? Look at it this way.. She's not cheating, she's living in the same house, she's still communicating with you and still spending time with you. Those are all pluses and you are way ahead then alot of people on here who are going through similiar things. NOW is the time for counseling so that things don't get worse. Don't be reactive, be proactive.
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