nervs and my relationship

[aleshm]

I have perhaps a weird problem and I'm not really to much opened talking about it, don't ask me why.

 

I've been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years now (2 months short). We are not living together yet.

 

I'm 20 years old, she is 17.

 

She is still in school, I'm employed, I have a good job (programmer and system administrator), good pay, car, house, don't smoke, I drink very rare (when I don't drive). In other words, there is nothing that from my point of opinion can effect the problem, which I describe later.

 

Everything in our relationship (sex, talking to each other, etc) is ok. Meaning, yes we do get into some arguments, like other couples do, but don't freak out on such.

 

A few times (3 if counting) I have managed to loose my nervs.

 

Two years ago I spent some time in hospital, I had meningitis (effects your brains). Since then I had some problems with concentration and memory but with time it "healed".

 

What happens is that sometimes a person (not only my girlfriend) can do something to annoy me really alot. The first time I screamed at her to stop, because it's driving me nutts. Wrong approach. Screaming yourself loud at someone isn't the solution. The next time this happend (after a month) I didn't loose my nervs so fast, I asked her nicely to stop, but she took it like joking and kept doing it, driving the thing to the same point as the first time. When I loose my nervs I do sometimes kick stuff around (like slippers, shoes), but I don't make any damage, I just have to let the negative energy out somehow. No, I never did or will hit her, since I'm not that kind of a person.

 

She stands up to me, like she isn't affraid of me (tho she admited to me, that when I'm really angry and nervous she is scared of me) and has this approach of screaming back at me, which works the not-right-way, it pisses me off even more. With time I calm down, it takes me from 15 minutes to 30 minutes to calm down. Sometimes I just sit in the garage to calm down.

 

Same thing (3rd time) happened yesterday. After it was like over, that I have calmed down and a few hours later we spoke about it and I asked her politly to stop next time when I ask her to stop, to have a limit. She taught me to have a limit when joking around with people. Also I asked her to help me out with my loosing the nervs so fast. She said she will.

 

2 out of 3 times when this happened she got dressed and put her shoes on, and was about to leave. Later she told me, she still doesn't know what stops her everytime from not leaving. Not that I don't show that I don't want her to leave, I don't want her to leave me. She did say that if I don't manage to get a grip on myself she will leave me.

 

I know I must do something about my nervs. Something that I won't loose them so fast. I am such of a person, I'm very energetic, I have alot of energy, but I'm very aware that if this happens a few more times I'm gonna loose her and that is the last thing on earth I want, since she means the world to me. I'm posting this here, so perhaps someone can give me an advice. I'm sure there is someone out there who perhaps had a similar problem to mine. Tho I doubt I will ever show here that I wrote this here, I am trying to do something about my problem. I am admiting I have it, tho at first I didn't.

 

Shrinks, pills or similar to this is out of the question. It took me whole night thinking about this, to write such thing here, since I'm shamed of this.

 

At the end, what is the question right? Perhaps a more general one, what to do, how to help myself?

 

Thank you in advance!

[Richie]

Losing the nerves and screaming at other people is one way of manipulating people. Making others to do what you want them to do.(In your case, you want her to stop) I have seen guys losing their nerves only to their girlfriend. Because only there it works out successfully.

 

Another scenario is, Don't let other people to control you. She is able to control your behaviour. If she wants, she can make you to get angry. When the other person knows your weakness, he or she will do it again and again to irritate you. That is human nature. Don't make others to get pleasure by making you to lose your nerves.

 

Instead of asking her to stop, count one to ten before you lose your nerves. Take a deep breadth as you count. If you can, change the topic or leave the place. Above all, Watch your words.

 

There is nothing to feel ashamed.

 

Take care,

 

Richie

[aleshm]

Dear Richie,

 

thank you on your kind response.

 

I'm replying because I still want to clear some things.

 

It's very hard to control me, I had problems way back in schools (primary, secondary), because I don't like to be controlled and always had problems because of that.

 

Tho I admit, the 1-10 count and some nice words to please stop and to change the topic is a good tactic. I will certainly try that.

 

Again thank you on the advice!

 

Best wishes,

 

Alesh

Losing the nerves and screaming at other people is one way of manipulating people. Making others to do what you want them to do.(In your case, you want her to stop) I have seen guys losing their nerves only to their girlfriend. Because only there it works out successfully. Another scenario is, Don't let other people to control you. She is able to control your behaviour. If she wants, she can make you to get angry. When the other person knows your weakness, he or she will do it again and again to irritate you. That is human nature. Don't make others to get pleasure by making you to lose your nerves. Instead of asking her to stop, count one to ten before you lose your nerves. Take a deep breadth as you count. If you can, change the topic or leave the place. Above all, Watch your words.

 

There is nothing to feel ashamed. Take care, Richie