5 years..so wat do i do now??:(

[Myheartisbroken]

First and foremost thank you for even readin this-

 

Hi,well i started going out with my EX about 5 years ago(yes,that first love) we were close friends,and he was the quiet kid in school,and i found myself going crazy for him one day.So we started going out,and he was tthe nicest guy ever.Very respectful.As time went by,we broke up a couple of times,just because we were young and it was difficult understanding,what we had.I think it got serious too fast,and guys tend to get more scared about that,more than girls sometimes.But me and him always stood friends,and i really admired him a lot.He has been there for me,through the worse,and theres nobody who makes me feel more comfortable.The problem is ive always had JEALOUSLY ISSUES,for as long as ive known him(and ive known him since i was 12)lol crazy right.Im now 19 and that issue hasnt gone away at all.Hes always bothered by it,because he says i dont trust him.I think it has more to do with my father being unfaithful to my mom when i was younger so it triggered some issues to me.I knw its no excuse,but i cant help it.But something bad happened.About a year ago,i found out he was hanging out with some girl who was new to the city.I knew about her,cause she had started workin at his job,and he told me she gave him a ride a couple of times home.But after he stopped working,and had his car,i find out he hung out with her,and even had her in his house one day WITHOUT ME KNOWING.So i confront him and he says no its not true,and gets really bothered,and says i cant deal with this,lets break up.The thing i later had proof,so he eventually admitted it to me.I told him we wouldnt be friends,if he wouldnt tell me what really happened and how she ended up at his house.He says she saw him at school and asked him for a ride(since she didnt have her car anymore) and they ended up hanging out at his house that one time,and he gave her a ride 2 times more than that.(she and her bf had barely broken up)I get flustered and tell him why he wasnt honest,and he tells me he knows how i am,and i was gonna think wrong if i found out he was hangin with her.I felt mad at myself,because i know my jealously was out of control,and just the thought of him talkin to a girl,would make me so mad,there was always that doubt like,if hes talkin to a girl,it must mean he likes her.Although this was the first time,something like this ever happened.I felt even more mad at him for not bein honest,even if he knew i was gonna get mad,he shouldnt had lied to me.because he made it seem like he did somethign wrong.We sat down and talked about everything and He told me he never even got close to her,and was never intending to cheat on me,that they were just hangin out,cause she was new here and hardly had friends.But i didnt care i was mad,furious,we were broken up,he had lied,and my jealousy was killing me.It was the first time,i felt llike he did break my trust,and i was right for being jealous always.Eventually i ddecided to forgive him for lyng,and i did believe he didnt do anything,and the girl even called to talked to me about it.But i told him i wasnt comfortable him talkin to her,after wat happened,so he didnt talk to her anymore. But the damage was done,and thigns got really hard,the thought went to my head,hes gonna do it again,and next time hes gonna do somethign worser.It drove me crazy,and it was so sad,because heere was the love of my life,the person i loved so much,and i couldnt even look at him.I did trust him,but why did he lie to me,he made my jealousy worser..

 

But a year later here i am,still dwelling on what happened.But ive learned to accept it,and eventhough he lied to me about it,i know he didnt cheat and hes done nothign wrong ever since.But my jealousy is still there,and it hurts.The main thing is we havent gone back together since that happened.Yet we see eachother everyday,we call eachother everyday,and he tells me how much he loves me all the time,and were both not seein other people,but here we are..aand NOTHING.ive told him i want to have a relationship again,but he says later,its like hes scared,or waiting,but of what?for what?i dont understand him,and theres times when we kiss and hug and hold hands,and i feel like im cheating myself out,by acting like his gf,when im not his gf.Its so dumb because we know eachother so well,and we been through a lot,and i know he does love me,and gosh im so in love with him,after these years.Ive grown to admire this guy,and he means a lot to me.I know i shouldnt kiss him and etc,usually its both of us who start it,but why do i still do it,and why is he takin so long to wanna have a relationship with me?im so confused.Wat can i do to make things get better so we can officially be together,i mean i love him,and hes my one and only,but i cant act like his gf when im officially not,it doesnt matter how long we been together,because right now were NOT,and i dont wanna give him that part of me if hes not gonna commit as my bf,because it makes no sence.any opiniions?its been a year,ive stopped showin my jealous side,and acted better,and so has he..but y r we still like this then??