Deployed to Afghanistan and having insecurity issues

[brad_n_catharine]

I'm currently deployed to Afghanistan and have been here for 10 months now. Only 2 more to go. My problem is that I've become completely insecure about my wife's past. We've been married for nearly two years, together for nearly 3. I've NEVER had an issue with her past. She's 31 now and I'm 29. We've both led fairly normal lives. Both had less than 20 sexual partners before meeting one another. But, the more time I spend away from her, the more my insecure thoughts become obsessive. She is an awesome woman and has stuck by my side through a lot. She has never cheated on me and I honestly doubt she ever will. She assures me that she has never felt love even remotely close to the love that she feels for me. My love for her is the same. She assures me that I am by far the best sex she has ever had as well. I used to believe this, but as each day passes I'm becoming more skeptical. I can't help but think about sex 24/7. It's a huge part of our relationship. However, I know that our love is much more important. I talk to her everyday, usually through instant messages. She knows I'm emotionally distraught right now and I've tried to talk to her about it, but I just can't bring myself to that point. I feel so ashamed of feeling this way. I know I'm not going to lose her. I know her past is very, very small scale compared to some of the posts I've read on here, but I can't seem to find a way to put these thoughts into perspective and put them out of my head. I have no right, or reason for that matter, to judge what she did before meeting me. I wouldn't really expect her to judge me. I NEVER think of any of my exgirlfriends or formal sexual partners. I just hope that she doesn't either. She says she doesn't, and I sooooooooo want to believe her. But, being here, away from her, her words lack the conviction that I need to hear to set my mind at ease. I can only hope things will get back to normal when I get home. Please, if anyone has any advice at all, I'm all ears.

[whichwayisup]

It's rough when thoughts go negative and spin out of control, I know how that can be - My worries (not so much anymore though) were of something happening to my husband and me being alone........But, you can't control the future, all you have is the now.

 

Sounds like you need some good old Cognitive Behaviour Therapy ways of thinking. Meaning, not letting those types of thoughts control you and make you worry. Keep it in perspective, and trust your wife. She's given you NO indictation that she is going to leave you or cheat on you...So, worrying about her past and how many sexual partners she's had is not serving ANY good purpose now, is it??

 

There are good websites about CBT, google them! You can read up on thought control, learning how to make negative thoughts and feelings into positive ones so that way you feel more in control.

 

Stay safe, and before you know it 2 months will have gone by and you can reconnect with your wife! Focus on that special time together!! Maybe plan a romantic trip away, just the two of you!!

 

Hope this helps.

[rina_r]

Hi Brad,

I read your post and i am sorry for everything you are going through. My sweetheart is going to be deployed to Afghanistan soon too. It is a stressful time for both so dont be too hard on yourself.You two communicate and this is important.I am afraid that I will be the one distancing myself - it is just the way i coping with pain of "losing" him when he leaves. You have only 2 months to go - keep it up, it will be much better when you come back home.

And stay safe!

[EnigmaXOXO]

It sounds like you're more concerned about you're feelings of insecurity than you are about your wife's trustworthiness.

 

Is that correct ???

 

If so … take a deep breath. You're not ready for the psychiatrist's office, yet. Unless you honestly feel these thoughts are becoming too obsessive or compulsive.

 

In the old days, men would put chastity belts on their wives before going off to do battle. (I always wondered if they were kind enough to leave behind a spare key in the event of an emergency )

 

Anyhow, pardon the ADD … but if you ever find time to do a little research on "The Science Sex" you'll discover that the heightened feelings of insecurity you are currently experiencing is actually quite common among "pair bonds" (as they call it) who are separated and/or are preparing to separate for an extended period of time. It's all in your biological/sexual makeup … so what you are feeling is not 'abnormal' or uncommon at all. Particularly since the two of you have only been together for two years and are pretty much still in the beginning stages of your relationship.