Uncomfortable with ex's words/actions...

[Guest]

Yesterday was my birthday. A year and a day ago, I had recently started dating someone I'd been friends with for almost two years; he sent me four dozen roses for my birthday (even the delivery driver was speechless at the extravagance).

 

Because we knew each other so well as friends before we started dating, our relationship progressed quickly. Flowers and other romantic gifts were, for the first time, a regular part of my life. By March we were discussing where and how we wanted to get married, organizing our finances and even working on a list of things we wanted in the dream home we planned to build next year. Then things started to go downhill. I'm still not sure what caused the problems but over the course of a couple of months we went from talking about getting married before the end of the year to a day in May when he told me he didn't want to continue our romantic relationship. He said he had been making himself miserable and that our friendship was too important to risk. I had no choice but to accept his decision.

 

I was confused, hurt and angry for several months and I didn't understand what caused him to make the decision to break the commitment he had made to me. We still had some contact as friends but it was limited to short telephone or email conversations. And then, just a few months ago, I finally was able to accept that our relationship was over and that I might never know the reasons he left me. I realized that the reasons weren't important. All that really mattered was that he chose to put his own feelings and insecurities before our relationship. I still love him dearly as a friend but I have no desire to get back together with him.

 

About the same time, we started spending more time talking and I thought we were getting back to the basics of our original friendship. But lately I've seen signs that he might want to get back together...or perhaps it means something else entirely?

 

He started giving me little gifts from time to time...not as frequent or expensive as when we were dating, but he never gave me a gift until we dated. And his compliments became more "flowery" and more like they were when we dated. Sometimes his gifts or words made me a little sad when they made me think about the good things I'd lost when he left.

 

...and that brings us to my birthday...yesterday he gave me an extravagant bouquet of flowers. and while I appreciate the gesture, his gift was an unwelcome reminder of the dreams that died when he left. I don't want to feel this way again...what should I do?

 

I can't assume that his behavior means he wants to get back together...too many other explanations are possible and I don't want to make a fool of myself. But I feel I have to say something to him before my discomfort with his romantic words and gifts really does do permanent damage to our friendship. Help, I'm going to see him tomorrow...what should I say/do about this?

[Spinderella]

Just tell him, that you find the gifts a little too much from a friend, and it is the kind of thing you would expect from a bf. Tell him you cannot possibly accept such extravagent gifts from just a friend. You don't have to word it in a way that makes it seem as though you think he is after getting back together. Just word it in a way that makes it seem you are embarrassed by the generosity from a friend.

[Movin_on]

"Guest" back as a registered user here! Thanks for the reply Spin...I like your solution because it is straight to the point and brief...I had actually composed a message to him saying something similar but that message might open a can of worms I'm not sure I want to deal with...esp. not during the holidays!

 

The issue is that I'm more than halfway convinced that he broke up with me because it was what he thought I wanted...that he thought I was miserable and wanted to make me happy. That isn't exactly what he said, but other things he said made me suspect that he thinks I'm the one that wanted out! In my message, I make it clear that, as far as I'm concerned, he broke up with me!

 

The main reason I have no interest in getting back with him is because I realize now that he did understand what I said I wanted but he didn't believe me. In fact, just a few days before he broke up with me , he asked me point blank if I wanted to stop seeing him...and I said NO! ...but he always had this unfortunate tendency to give more weight to his perceptions than to my actual words. If I didn't call to confirm a date that I had accepted when he asked, he assumed I didn't think the date was important, if I said I wanted to spend an evening at home alone (without him), he thought I was getting tired of him, if I didn't want to kiss him when he showed up unexpectedly at my door in the morning before work, he assumed that I didn't find him attractive (can you say morning breath!!!) I'm sorry, but if he wanted the privilege of getting a good morning (and good night) kiss every single day, he really needed to marry me! ...instead, he postponed our formal engagement and started changing plans we had discussed without consulting me. At the same time, he started demanding more and more time and attention from me...he seemed to be desperately trying to hold on to me and as his grip tightened, I felt like I was being smothered. A week before he dumped me, I had tried my best to explain that, as my bf, he couldn't be my top priority...that I couldn't make as much time for him as he seemed to need because of my other responsibilities (young children demand time and I work full time)...that I would be so much happier if we could agree to actually start dating again. A couple of dates per week, planned (or at least scheduled) in advance, perhaps an afternoon "family" event on the weekends and certainly unlimited email and phone calls...that is all I had to give to someone who wanted to date me! You want to put an engagement ring on my finger...another day or so per week and maybe some weekend getaways...but daily, "in your face", need-a-kiss-every-day-night ...in my book that is something that's only appropriate in a marriage! ...and he knew I felt that way before we started dating!

 

...so what do you think...should I go with the simple "I think that was too much from a friend" and leave well enough alone or send a message that might open up the "who broke up with who" discussion. My goal is to not hurt my friend...what if he really is escalating our relationship because he's trying to get back together...would it be kinder/less hurtful to let this go on until he gets up the nerve to ask directly or take the risk of looking foolish now to make sure he understands that I'm not interested. ?????