how do i get these mental images out of my head?? i want to move on!!

[confused41]

My boyfriend and I had been together for 4 years, and lived together two of those. For awhile, we were living 3 hours apart. The long distance put a strain on the relationship, and things were slipping downhill. I was uneasy with the seriousness of the relationship, at the time, so I decided to call it quits. I called him up and broke up with him.

 

I could tell it devastated him at the time, and the next day just felt sick about it. I spent the next five days calling him and emailing him to try to talk about things. The only response I received was him telling me we'd talk after my finals. After my finals the next week, we did communicate... I got an email from him telling me he had hooked up with a coworker for the previous 5 nights. I felt more ill than I ever have in my life, and called him up and yelled at him about how I wanted to have his kids, and he ruined my life and such, and he started sobbing about how he didn't know because I always was so secretive about my real feelings, and how after hooking up with this other girl no matter how I felt, he never wanted to be with anyone but me.

 

I realize we were broken up during this time, and nothing like this has ever happened before and judging from the magnitude of the apology (which continued for weeks, and still does), I don't expect it will. I also understand that I broke up with him, and when I was telling him, I said it could very well be permanent, and unfortunately I also said "feel free to hook up with any girls now".... Worst thing ever to say, but I didn't realize how bad I would feel when he actually did. I do blame him a little, of course, because it was his choice and a choice he made five nights in a row beginning the very next night after we broke up.

 

This guy seriously means the world to me, and I honestly do want to have his kids someday. But in the meantime, how can we be close, physically, when I often imagine him and the other girl? How do I get those sickening mental images out of my head? I just want to be over it and move on with our lives. I love him and don't want to let a mistake ruin both of our lives, but the mental pictures I have are awful. Mentally and emotionally, we are closer now than we ever were before we broke up, but my issue is seriously seriously impacting our physical relationship.

 

Thanks for any help in advance.

[BaileyBailz]

Hi, i posted here earlier about my girlfriend and I having a rough time...it started after that happened to us. I dumped her a while back and i told her 'go out with whoever u want' so she did. We got back together after about a month but during that time I would see hickies on her neck and her kissing her. (yes btw - to all of u who think i am a guy...im not)..anyways...the point is...i went through the same thing and i let it ruin my relationship. I couldnt stop thinking about it, talking about it, i always wanted to know more and more about what happened and it became an obsessed. for the longest time i could look at my girlfriend without these images popping into my head. i couldnt let it go...and now ive lost her completely. Please, take my advice...let it go. Talkto you boyfriend about how ur feeling let him know that even tho it was ur fault and ur sorry you cant stop thinking about it...after that..let it go. when u see the images of him with this other woman, push them away, replace them with images of u...think about him and how much he loves you...dont let it get inside you too deep. your boyfriend will need to reassure u a lot im sure but dont bring it up all the time like i did, forgive and forget...the way i couldnt.

[mizzsmiley]

im going through that same situation right now..well not exactly but my bf slept with another girl a couple times while we were broken up. a HOOKER, in fact. she was a "friend" of his and a person ive known of, and hated. I was devestated when i found out because i always thought he knew we would eventually get back together.. why would he go and throw everything away like that?!?! he explained to me that it meant nothing it was only sex and that he was lonely without me. he said he thought we were over for sure this time, and that he wouldnt have done it if he thought i still loved him. (i broke it off with him also) well we're trying to work it out right now but after i had sex with him the other day i felt disgusting and started to cry. I didnt tell him why i was...but I couldnt get the image of the both of them out of my head either. i am starting to get over it because i know he's really sorry and would do anything to make me happy, even willing to take an std test. If you truly believe that he's sorry about what happened. You should just try to let go of what happened in the past and move foward with your relationship for the better.

[Trialbyfire]

Please try to remember that all these incidents that were mentioned happened during a separation that primarily were self-induced. You can't really blame the other person for feeling rejected and unattractive after being dumped, therefore they hooked up with someone else.

 

After I was cheated on, I dumped him hard. Within a week, I was seeing someone else with both of us knowing it was a very short-term situation, no games, no misunderstanding. I needed someone to help me through the horrible feelings of inadequacy, even though the triangular situation had nothing whatsoever to do with an adequacy issue.

[confused41]

Well thanks for the replies...

Trialbyfire: I know I can't blame him for it; my problem is that I have a hard time letting it go still.

 

mizzsmiley: Thank you for letting me know someone else has my same thoughts. I hope I can let it go like you are, and your point of the fact that he really is sorry and really does love me still is a good one. It's just hard to remember that sometimes.

 

BaileyBailz: Wow.. I am really sorry what happened to you, because I know exactly how it feels. In short, it sucks. I'm trying really hard to push images of him and someone else out of my head, and images of me and him in... but it is still so hard. Even when I can get it out of my head, I then move onto something else... Like why he would do it in the first place if he really loved me, how could he have moved on so fast (24hrs), why would he tell me he wasn't giving up on us when in fact he was hooking up with someone else at the time... the list could go on forever. But, you are right. The relationship is going to end if I don't quit it. The problem is that is much harder than I would have first thought. I really appreciate your story though because you have made me try harder than ever to let it go.. and I have read it over many times in the last few days to remind myself of what is going to happen if I don't let it go. Although I'm really sorry to hear how your story ended, thank you so much for sharing it with me.

[D-Lish]

Well, you have to train yourself to think of it differently, or things simply won't work out for you two.

 

Just keep in mind, that he didn't "move on", he didn't stop loving you.

However, it does seem a little disrespectful to jump into it so quickly.

 

It might take a little time for those images to settle down. But I've known couples who have gotten through a similar situation, so it's possible.

There's no harm in taking things slow while you work through this.

Once you forgive, it has to be completely though, otherwise it will be something you always bring up and think abotu when you argue in the future!

 

D

[confused41]

Well, at least it is possible to get through this situation, because it really doesn't feel like it a lot of times. For the time that I am not remembering it, we are the couple we were before this mess, except better. Basically I feel like my life is perfect. But then I remember it, and the moment or hour or even day is ruined. I hate myself for even starting the ridiculous mess and I am furious with him for 'ruining' what we had. I know it was my fault for not making it clear it was a temporary thing, but it was his choice to be in someone else's bed beginning the very first night apart and continuing for several more. I just often can't think of any justification, it wasnt a drunken one night stand but something that continued on and soberly. But pretty much it is either we break up over it and I am bitter about it for the rest of my life, or we move on. But I feel like I can't do either right now. Thanks for the support though, and I sure hope you are right when you say it's possible.

[VeniceQueen]

Well, you have to train yourself to think of it differently, or things simply won't work out for you two.

 

Just keep in mind, that he didn't "move on", he didn't stop loving you.

However, it does seem a little disrespectful to jump into it so quickly.

 

It might take a little time for those images to settle down. But I've known couples who have gotten through a similar situation, so it's possible.

There's no harm in taking things slow while you work through this.

Once you forgive, it has to be completely though, otherwise it will be something you always bring up and think abotu when you argue in the future!

 

D

 

I agree. Don't let these images keep you guys from working it out! After all, it's you that he truly loves.

 

When my ex and I got back together I made the mistake of bringing up the girl he took out too much. I hated feeling replaced so soon. Even though he told me I was always on his mind when he was with her and he kind of used her to get back at me, my jealousy still got the best of me.

 

Be wary when a guy jumps into seeing another girl so soon. It's usually just rebound, because either they feel lonely or want "revenge" on you.

 

It's you he's with now. He chose you. Just try to think of it that way. Be that woman he fell in love with.

 

I really hope you guys work it out. Best of luck to you!

[hrtingsobd]

Don't understand why you would even talk about what you did when you were apart, after all, you were apart. It is none of your buisiness really, what he did to mend his own heart. You are the one that broke it. And now you are trying to control him with something he did when he thought he was never going to see you again. If you don't stop brow beating him, he will go find someone that will make him feel like a real man insead of henpecked about something he did when you were apart. Youll drive him away for good instead of a few nights. I don't mean to be disrespectful to you but this irks me when women do this. It is your jealousy that you need to deal with. You caused it so why should he have to deal with it? By the way, I am a woman so I understand your feelings, but don't make him pay for something you did. KWIM?

[jmargel]

During my single days after my ex-fiancee ended things (about a year later) I started sleeping around. It wasn't intentional, just that the women I met wanted sex right away. And to tell you the truth it wasn't anything great. The sex your partner had wasn't very enjoyable and left a hollow feeling inside after it was all done and over with.

 

At least that's how I felt, and often think back on how stupid I was. It's not something they are holding over your head and gloating about. Trust me they are going through with their own demons over this.

 

Often movies & TV protray sex between strangers as something 'hot & heavy' with mind-blowing sex. That is often not the case since your heart really isn't into it. The sex I have now with my wife is a million times better than with those one night stands.

 

Everyone is human and we have all made mistakes. Learning from them is the important part. Though this is a test of your love for them, if it is sincere you will get past this. When these thoughts start popping into your head, take corrective action and FORCE yourself to think something great about your partner.

[confused41]

okay, I really appreciate everyone's advice. It is actually really helping and day by day things are improving. Jmargel- I have taken your advice with the whole thing about thinking positive about my guy. Luckily there are lots to choose from. And hrtingsobd- I do know what you mean. Before it was my own situation, I hated when I heard about other girls being resentful over what I am now. But since it is my situation now, I am (unfortunately) viewing things different.

Things are getting better, but they are not there yet. I feel like I get punched in the stomach when I do think about it- I get angry at myself for breaking up with him in the first place. Before this, I always told myself that if either of us did anything with anyone else, I would never be able to be with him again. Part of the problem is letting that 'standard' go- admitting that the 'purity' of the relationship is gone. I used to be so happy that we were so innocent together, and pictured us years down the road and counting the years we had only been with each other, but that has been tarnished. I know that is a stupid thing to care about, but I can't help myself.

In any case I love him to death and I am determined to get over the 'imperfection' in our relationship. It is hard because no one knows, and now that its the holidays and people I haven't seen in awhile ask how we are doing and assume we have been togehter nonstop while in reality there has been a lot of heartache recently. When I say we have been with each other for over four years I feel as though I am lying because he has been with someone else, and I don't know how to deal with that. I was wondering if married couples count their time together as the time that they have been seeing each other or the time they have been married. I hope its the latter.

Anyway I want to thank each and every person thus far who has offered advice. I am taking it to heart and really really appreciate it- and anything else anyone can offer. Things are improving, and I hope they continue to.