My parents (my mother) is wreaking havoc on my married life

[foomasta]

Forgive me for the essay, but I really do need some serious help!

 

I've been with my wife for 6 years (dated for 4.5, engaged for 1, and married for 6 months). Since the day my parents met her (exactly 2.5 years after we started dating), my mother has constantly taken stabs at her integrity, her appearance, and her upbringing. In reality, my wife is the most caring, compassionate, and beautiful person I have ever met. I thank my lucky stars every day that she is with me.

 

But being a very sheltered kid with no previous girlfriends where my mother controls everything (including my father and younger brother), I never realized what a heinous b***h she can be when somebody else takes her son's attention away from her. And she is completely underhanded in the way she insults my wife (then my girlfriend). She is the type of person who disguises an insult within a compliment and/or gives a compliment but takes it away with an insult. My father and brother are either completely clueless about her antics or they just choose to ignore them. I personally believe the latter. And the same goes for me as well, as my wife has had to point this out to me over and over again. I have made so many promises to her that I will stand up to my mother for her but have failed time and time again. It's not that I'm afraid of her-it's just that I have so much trouble thinking quickly on my feet when faced with bad situations that can affect my personal life. I am the type of person who tries and keeps everybody happy. However, in these situations, I have failed every single time as my wife always gets the emotional beating.

 

During our dating period, my wife moved all the way across the country away from me for almost two years because she couldn't stand my inability to do nothing. But she was still wonderful enough to maintain a long-distance relationship with me until I finished grad school and begin to work things out with my mother. I had numerous face-to-face times with her calling her on her atrocious behaviour, but honestly, the same impact doesn't exist anymore when you do it retroactively. The best course of action, I know now, was to nip it in the bud earlier on when she first started to cause problems. But in any case, I was led to believe that she will be civil with her. How wrong was I!!

 

Flash forward to the beginning of this year. My now fiancee and I visited my parents at their home for Xmas and New Year hoping to build a new relationship. My mother had not changed one bit! The only difference between her then and three years earlier was the fact that she was even more underhanded in giving out her insults. Again, I did not stand up for my wife when it mattered but promised her that I would do it. I honestly believe that my wife is a saint for marrying me because she did 6 months later with the hope that perhaps, after being my wife, I would take the necessary steps to always put her first and defend her against my mother. Six months later (now), I still have not done it. Now, my wife wants to leave me. At her request, I even told my parents that were separated and filing for divorce (not because of my mother even though she indeed is the reason) just so my mother can get off our backs. But I know this is only a temporary solution. I know I have to find it in me to confront my mother and call her on all the wrongs she has committed on my wife. But my question is, since I've already told her that we were separated not because of her, what do I confront her on? Also, the sad thing is my father (who is inherently a good man) is completely brainwashed my her and will stick by her side even against his own son when he knows she's wrong. I guess I should learn from him on how to put your wife first no matter what.

 

Anyway, I appreciate any help on my situation. I apologize again for the essay. Please feel free to contact me for more information and/or clarification.

[coco_milkshake]

Are you Indian? LOL. That sounds like typical Indian family drama. The mother feels threatened by her son's wife and is in competition with her to get his attention - very sad if you ask me lol.

 

Anyways joking aside, do you live with your mother? I feel like you should give her an ultimatum - either not to interfere in your married life and to stop insulting your wife or you will cut off all contact from her.

 

Give her a time period. If she does not change you know what to do. It is not fair that she is ruining your married life for her selfish ways - tell her that!! Be strong and bold. If you are worried, practice what you will say to her in front of a mirror or whatever. It is up to you to either let this continue or actually do somethig about it.

 

Please keep us posted on your progress.

 

Coco

[foomasta]

Yes, I am Indian and this is, I guess, a typical Indian drama. Fortunately, I live 10,000 miles away from my parents...literally. But it's unfortunate that even the large distance didn't give me the strength to stand up for my wife when it mattered.

 

Anyway, I have completely cut them out of my life. They only had two ways of contacting me - my email address and my cell phone number. I have cancelled the former and changed the latter. It is unfortunate that cutting her out also means cutting out my father, but it is a package deal when it comes to them and I will have to live with it. I want nothing more to do with them, and I believe that this is the first and most important step for healing between my wife and me. I just hope it's not too late....For the first time since we were engaged, she has removed both her engagement and wedding rings. She has also torn up a picture of our first date, her most treasured possession since we started dating 6 years ago. She knew that it would come to this three years ago, but I never listened. It has never been this bad ever............I don't know what to do anymore. Any advice is appreciated.

[coco_milkshake]

I had a feeling this was an Indian thing hee hee. Well you are doing the right thing by stopping contact with your mum. Maybe she will get off her high horse and think about what she is doing to you. Hopefully she will realise she is missing out on being a part of your life and back off herself instead of you having to tell her.

 

Yes it is a shame that your dad is taking your mum's side despite her being wrong - believe me I am in that position myself but my situation is totally different from yours but it is upto him at the end of the day if he would rather side with you or side with your mum who in this case is totally wrong - nothing you can do hon.

 

Right now, concentrate on you and your wife. Keep reassuring her that all will be ok. Give her gifts and lots of attention, make her want to stay with you. If your mum tries to interfere - remember, in one ear and out the other. You want to spend the rest of your life with your wife - make her your number one priority!!!!

 

Take care hon and keep me updated - PM me if you need to have a chat. I know Indian parents can be a pain in the @ss.

 

Coco

[foomasta]

Right now, she's so mad at me that she doesn't even want to look at me. I usually make breakfast for her every morning, and she doesn't even want that from me. Everytime I bring her something to eat from the kitchen, she refuses it and gets her own. How do I do what you're saying without pissing her off even more? Should I wait for her to cool down first?

[coco_milkshake]

Right now, she's so mad at me that she doesn't even want to look at me. I usually make breakfast for her every morning, and she doesn't even want that from me. Everytime I bring her something to eat from the kitchen, she refuses it and gets her own. How do I do what you're saying without pissing her off even more? Should I wait for her to cool down first?

 

Yes. Give her space and time to cool down. Just stay out of her way for now, your presence will probably annoy her right now. Man you know what Indian parents are like, especially mothers - they wont admit when they are wrong, especially to their children. Dumb I know but just let her take the initiative to talk to you.

 

Dont worry to much about it - like I said, concentrate on your wife. If your mum isnt going to give you the time of day then I say f*ck it. Keep me updated and talk to me by PM if you want a chat.

 

Coco

[a4a]

I disagree. She is angry and resentful at this point because you ignored her for so long and did not do anything to stop your mother from hurting her and your M. You allowed this!

 

Ignoring her further at this point will just enforce the idea that she is not important to you.

 

If you getting her breakfast is normal perhaps you have to think outside the box to show her that you do care.

[foomasta]

Well, my mother is totally out of the picture and she won't even realize it until a few months from now when she will wonder why I haven't contacted them. I don't even feel the need to justify why I'm not speaking with them because they should know that I've only been absolutely furious with her about one thing - her insults toward and utter disrespect for my wife, who has always put my needs before her own in every situation. But I can't help feeling that not confronting them one last time to tell them off is another way that I'm avoiding conflict with them. But you know what, I've sworn on my wife's life that I will never speak to them, and that's the way it's going to be. Only she will have the power to change that.

 

As for how to do the damage control, that's exactly why I'm here because I'm terrible at thinking outside the box when she's mad. It's like I don't know what to do - I'm afraid everything I try will backfire on me. I would really appreciate any concrete ideas anyone might have. Thanks again for all your replies and help.

 

Coco - what is PM?

[coco_milkshake]

PM means Private Message. You need to be a supporting member ie pay for this or I think go over the 100 posts mark.

[bonehead]

I have been in your wifes shoes.

 

My ex inlaws were the same way. A very emotionaly abusive family. Very controlling.

 

Some things I have learned.

 

1) In their eyes you have cut contact because of your wife. It wont be because of anything your mother has done. ( You just dropped out of contact with them. If it was because of them you would say something, but that too will be because of your wife )

 

2) Ignoring your parents will do NOTHING to make your wife feel any better, infact it will make her fel worse.

 

3) Action is needed for both parties to see that you mean it and why.

[Buttaflyy]

Well, my mother is totally out of the picture and she won't even realize it until a few months from now when she will wonder why I haven't contacted them. I don't even feel the need to justify why I'm not speaking with them because they should know that I've only been absolutely furious with her about one thing - her insults toward and utter disrespect for my wife, who has always put my needs before her own in every situation. But I can't help feeling that not confronting them one last time to tell them off is another way that I'm avoiding conflict with them. But you know what, I've sworn on my wife's life that I will never speak to them, and that's the way it's going to be. Only she will have the power to change that.

 

I agree with you that not confronting them is a way to do what you've always done - IGNORE the issue and not take a stand.

 

Maybe if your wife sees you actively defending her it will send a message to her that you are trying to work on your marriage. Sounds like it's time for a change of action.

[Moose]

1. Get yourself a Post Office Box in the next town.

 

2. Sit down with your wife, and write your Mom an Pops a letter explaining to them what it means to get Married and to start a life of your own.

 

3. Make sure your wife sees everything you write down.

 

4. Send via certified mail.

 

5. Get some peace about it.....

 

6. Stop worrying about what your parents think of you OR your wife. It doesn't matter!!!

 

7. Go and multiply like you're suppose to.......

[goodfriendeva]

you cant just stop talking to your mom.. shes your mother.. but you cant have her being saying rude and hurtful things to your wife.. you need to have a serious talk about it.. you and your mother.. tell her what shes saying does to your wife and you. what it does to your relationship.. and if it continues maybe not visit that often. after so much abuse im suprised your wife didnt tell her off about it. your her husband 1st and foremost you must get this taken cared of.. i only ssee it getting worse once you have kids.. and the raise you whem

[My Fair Katie]

you cant just stop talking to your mom.. shes your mother..

 

Sure he can. She's toxic.

 

There's a book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. She also wrote Toxic Inlaws. See if your library has them and get them for yourself and your wife.

 

Right now I absolutely think you need to be cut off from your mother. You need to insulate yourself and your wife and work on making the marriage a UNITED front before you can even attempt to bring other family members into the fold.

 

Good luck hun.

[goodfriendeva]

ignoring his mother DOESNT make the problem go away.. it will come back up again and will be worse then what it is

[bonehead]

ignoring his mother DOESNT make the problem go away.. it will come back up again and will be worse then what it is

 

And it shows his wife NOTHING

[My Fair Katie]

ignoring his mother DOESNT make the problem go away.. it will come back up again and will be worse then what it is

 

And you think he's capable of confronting the problem right now? He's not. First he needs to learn how to COPE with his mother. He can't change his mom, he can't change his wife. He can ONLY change how reacts to both of them and he's not gonna be able to do that with mumsy ruling with her iron fist.

 

Besides, I ignore my mother. Works dandy for me. I'm not gonna take abuse from people simply because they are family. Nor will I allow them to abuse the people I care about.

[My Fair Katie]

And it shows his wife NOTHING

 

I beg to differ. It shows his wife that his priority is the MARRIAGE. The marriage is (imo) the most important relationship. Children after that (if there are any) and THEN parents.

 

It shows his wife that he is committed to working on the marriage without negative outside influence. TOGETHER they can figure out how to deal with his mother.

 

I'd encourage counseling, both individual and couples. Right now your wife cannot depend on you because you've failed to back her up and protect the marriage.

 

What would you recommend? He call his mother up and lambast her? Yeah, that'll show results. He needs to learn how to set and enforce boundaries. He needs to learn to expect his mother to test those boundaries, and to figure out a strategy for when that happens. He will not likely be able to do that while still in the fold.

[bonehead]

I beg to differ. It shows his wife that his priority is the MARRIAGE. The marriage is (imo) the most important relationship. Children after that (if there are any) and THEN parents.

 

It shows his wife that he is committed to working on the marriage without negative outside influence. TOGETHER they can figure out how to deal with his mother.

 

I have been in his wifes shoes.

 

Avoid the problem it will go away doesnt show a thing. It shows he is committed to working on the marriage as long as he doesnt have to stand up for her. It shows her she isnt worth the fight. She isnt worth telling his parents " Shes part of me now ".

 

Conflict avoidence written all over it.

[Moose]

First he needs to learn how to COPE with his mother.

I would venture to say that it's the other way around. His Mother needs to cope with his new life and wife.

The marriage is (imo) the most important relationship. Children after that (if there are any) and THEN parents.

Screw that.....the parents shouldn't even be on the list of importance as far as the marriage relationship is concerned.

What would you recommend? He call his mother up and lambast her? Yeah, that'll show results. He needs to learn how to set and enforce boundaries. He needs to learn to expect his mother to test those boundaries, and to figure out a strategy for when that happens. He will not likely be able to do that while still in the fold.

Wrong!! Yes, call and, "lambast" her isn't the right course of action. Making is PERFECTLY clear that he's no longer in that, "fold", and has created his own is what need to be done. His MOTHER needs to RESPECT that!!!

 

Even if it means she doesn't contact him ever again, this is what needs to be done. It's either that, are dissolve the marriage. (which would be stupid IMHO)

[My Fair Katie]

I have been in his wifes shoes.

 

Avoid the problem it will go away doesnt show a thing. It shows he is committed to working on the marriage as long as he doesnt have to stand up for her. It shows her she isnt worth the fight. She isnt worth telling his parents " Shes part of me now ".

 

Conflict avoidence written all over it.

 

As have I. In fact for two years I had nothing to do with my inlaws after they had my husband pinned against the car shouting at him why EVERYTHING wrong in their life is MY fault.

 

Husband walked.

 

We worked on OUR marriage. We got counseling.

 

Know what happened. Two years later I got a sincere apology from his mom. I would not have gotten that if he called to yell at her. Yelling doesn't help, it adds fuel to the fire. You are FEEDING the drama by continuing the fight.

 

A fight/discussion/argument all says, "I think your opinion is valid enough that I'm going to give you this opportunity to argue with me." Leaving tells them, "You know what, you're not as important, I've got more important things to deal with."

 

If my husband had yelled at her and given her further opportunity to berate me, one of two things would have likely happened. Either she changes his mind and he is browbeat into believing that yes, I am the anti-christ, OR she becomes even MORE firm in her belief that it is in fact ME that is the cause of her sh**astic life.

 

She IS worth telling his parents, "Hey, we're a package deal." But he's not gonna get to that point by arguing with his mother. You CANNOT rationalize with irrational people, and right now, his mother is irrational. You can ONLY create boundaries and enforce consequences when those boundaries are breached.

[My Fair Katie]

I would venture to say that it's the other way around. His Mother needs to cope with his new life and wife.

 

Okay, but she's not. We can't change other people. If I sound like a therapist it's because mine rubbed off on me.

 

Even if it means she doesn't contact him ever again, this is what needs to be done.

 

I agree completely. But I don't believe in making a huge dance about it. Cut someone off, fine, do it. Don't drag it out and make it unnecessarily messy. Cut contact, change phone numbers, don't bring attention to the fact that you're doing it as that only invites debate. Actions speak FAR louder than words.

[goodfriendeva]

I have been in his wifes shoes.

 

Avoid the problem it will go away doesnt show a thing. It shows he is committed to working on the marriage as long as he doesnt have to stand up for her. It shows her she isnt worth the fight. She isnt worth telling his parents " Shes part of me now ".

 

Conflict avoidence written all over it.

 

exactly:eek: