My parents (my mother) is wreaking havoc on my married life

[foomasta]

Forgive me for the essay, but I really do need some serious help!

 

I've been with my wife for 6 years (dated for 4.5, engaged for 1, and married for 6 months). Since the day my parents met her (exactly 2.5 years after we started dating), my mother has constantly taken stabs at her integrity, her appearance, and her upbringing. In reality, my wife is the most caring, compassionate, and beautiful person I have ever met. I thank my lucky stars every day that she is with me.

 

But being a very sheltered kid with no previous girlfriends where my mother controls everything (including my father and younger brother), I never realized what a heinous b***h she can be when somebody else takes her son's attention away from her. And she is completely underhanded in the way she insults my wife (then my girlfriend). She is the type of person who disguises an insult within a compliment and/or gives a compliment but takes it away with an insult. My father and brother are either completely clueless about her antics or they just choose to ignore them. I personally believe the latter. And the same goes for me as well, as my wife has had to point this out to me over and over again. I have made so many promises to her that I will stand up to my mother for her but have failed time and time again. It's not that I'm afraid of her-it's just that I have so much trouble thinking quickly on my feet when faced with bad situations that can affect my personal life. I am the type of person who tries and keeps everybody happy. However, in these situations, I have failed every single time as my wife always gets the emotional beating.

 

During our dating period, my wife moved all the way across the country away from me for almost two years because she couldn't stand my inability to do nothing. But she was still wonderful enough to maintain a long-distance relationship with me until I finished grad school and begin to work things out with my mother. I had numerous face-to-face times with her calling her on her atrocious behaviour, but honestly, the same impact doesn't exist anymore when you do it retroactively. The best course of action, I know now, was to nip it in the bud earlier on when she first started to cause problems. But in any case, I was led to believe that she will be civil with her. How wrong was I!!

 

Flash forward to the beginning of this year. My now fiancee and I visited my parents at their home for Xmas and New Year hoping to build a new relationship. My mother had not changed one bit! The only difference between her then and three years earlier was the fact that she was even more underhanded in giving out her insults. Again, I did not stand up for my wife when it mattered but promised her that I would do it. I honestly believe that my wife is a saint for marrying me because she did 6 months later with the hope that perhaps, after being my wife, I would take the necessary steps to always put her first and defend her against my mother. Six months later (now), I still have not done it. Now, my wife wants to leave me. At her request, I even told my parents that were separated and filing for divorce (not because of my mother even though she indeed is the reason) just so my mother can get off our backs. But I know this is only a temporary solution. I know I have to find it in me to confront my mother and call her on all the wrongs she has committed on my wife. But my question is, since I've already told her that we were separated not because of her, what do I confront her on? Also, the sad thing is my father (who is inherently a good man) is completely brainwashed my her and will stick by her side even against his own son when he knows she's wrong. I guess I should learn from him on how to put your wife first no matter what.

 

Anyway, I appreciate any help on my situation. I apologize again for the essay. Please feel free to contact me for more information and/or clarification.

[Guest]

Hi,

 

I understand your wifes position and admire her for taking a stand. I also understand your fear and inexperience at effectively standing up to such a formidible opponent. So here's the solution.......cut your mother out of your life. She's not going to change, it's going to be a constant battle of wits, she's always going to get to your wife. The constant battle will destroy your marriage no matter what.

 

Is this such a terrible solution? Nope. I did it - only the problem was my sister and two brothers (parents deceased). The firt six months were wonderful....but I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, after two years, I can't imagine why I didn't do this earlier. My head is so much clearer, our daughter is happy now, I've developed self-esteem....definately better.

 

Just because someone is a blood relative does not mean the have the right to control your life.

 

Guest.

[a4a]

There is no point in quibbling with your mother. Simply quit speaking to her until she learns to respect others. Being a mother does not give one a free license to hurt others and act like a complete bitch.

 

Cut her out of your life until she can learn how to behave in an appropriate manner. Why not tell her to try to control herself instead of trying to control everyone else.

[bab]

a4a is right. You need to sit down with your mother and be honest with her. Tell her that the reason your wife has left you is because you can't stand up to your mother. Tell her that you're wife is the most important person in your life and until your mother changes her ways, that she will not be hearing from the two of you again. Then stick to it. No Christmas visit.

 

At the same time I want to warn you that this could be a permanent type of situtation. This is probably not going to endear your wife to your mother, and you may have to cut her out of your life for good. But if you want to honor your marriage vows, this is a necessary.

[lasan]

Ah this is so familiar! I had a mother in law like this once. I didn't leave my spouse because of her comments and insults (but who knows, we were only married for four years). I can understand why your wife wants to leaves though. You need to stick up for your wife. Would you allow anyone else to talk to your wife like that?

[foomasta]

They only had two ways of contacting me - my email address and my cell phone number. I have cancelled the former and changed the latter. It is unfortunate that cutting her out also means cutting out my father, but it is a package deal when it comes to them and I will have to live with it. I want nothing more to do with them, and I believe that this is the first and most important step for healing between my wife and me. I just hope it's not too late....For the first time since we were engaged, she has removed both her engagement and wedding rings and tore up a picture of our first date, her most treasured possession since we started dating 6 years ago. It has never been this bad ever............

[bab]

They only had two ways of contacting me - my email address and my cell phone number. I have cancelled the former and changed the latter. It is unfortunate that cutting her out also means cutting out my father, but it is a package deal when it comes to them and I will have to live with it. I want nothing more to do with them, and I believe that this is the first and most important step for healing between my wife and me. I just hope it's not too late....For the first time since we were engaged, she has removed both her engagement and wedding rings and tore up a picture of our first date, her most treasured possession since we started dating 6 years ago. It has never been this bad ever............

 

Did you tell your wife about this? She might be resentful that it took the real threat of her leaving you to put her needs first.

[a4a]

well Foo it sounds like you have some work to do to repair your Ws trust in you. I can only imagine how tough it would be to take continuous insults from a MIL and just have a H stand by and not tell the MIL to basically shut up.

 

So what is your repair plan?

[foomasta]

bab - I ended the relationship at my wife's request - as at least one thing I can do to prove that I can and will put her needs first. When I told my parents (before I stopped talking to them) that we were getting separated, my mother had the audacity to ask whether I can sell her engagement and wedding rings for the same amounts I bought them for!! Actually, at first she said not to sell the rings...there will be another girl that I can give them to! God, I hate that b***h!!! It was then I knew for sure that she doesn't care one whit about my happiness and never has, as long as it doesn't suit her needs. My wife has been trying to tell me this for 4 years and although I believed her for the most part, there was always a nagging doubt in my mind that my mother will change. Now, I only hope it's not too late.....

 

a4a - I've asked my wife for a month to repair our relationship. She feels that she's wasted 6 years of her life with me, and I don't blame her at all. But I have requested her for this one month to do some damage control, and she's graciously accepted. Actions certainly speak louder than words, and I have to really prove it to her that I can keep the promises I make. Unfortunately, I don't have any idea what to do at this point. I was thinking of counseling or some kind of "Marriage Repairing" help books. My goal is to basically make her feel special again......

[a4a]

bab - I ended the relationship at my wife's request - as at least one thing I can do to prove that I can and will put her needs first. When I told my parents (before I stopped talking to them) that we were getting separated, my mother had the audacity to ask whether I can sell her engagement and wedding rings for the same amounts I bought them for!! Actually, at first she said not to sell the rings...there will be another girl that I can give them to! God, I hate that b***h!!! It was then I knew for sure that she doesn't care one whit about my happiness and never has, as long as it doesn't suit her needs. My wife has been trying to tell me this for 4 years and although I believed her for the most part, there was always a nagging doubt in my mind that my mother will change. Now, I only hope it's not too late.....

 

a4a - I've asked my wife for a month to repair our relationship. She feels that she's wasted 6 years of her life with me, and I don't blame her at all. But I have requested her for this one month to do some damage control, and she's graciously accepted. Actions certainly speak louder than words, and I have to really prove it to her that I can keep the promises I make. Unfortunately, I don't have any idea what to do at this point. I was thinking of counseling or some kind of "Marriage Repairing" help books. My goal is to basically make her feel special again......

 

 

Well you best quit thinking and start doing! Right at this moment!

 

You best shower her with attention, gifts, and quality time. You best apologize...... and you best grow a spine!

 

Not trying to be hard on you just giving you the wake up call with the 2x4 that it seems you need.

 

Your wife had to request that you cut them off? You cannot think on your own perhaps because your mother has controlled you for so long?

[foomasta]

Right now, she's so mad at me that she doesn't even want to look at me. I usually make breakfast for her every morning, and she doesn't even want that from me. Everytime I bring her something to eat from the kitchen, she refuses it and gets her own. How do I do what you're saying without pissing her off even more? Should I wait for her to cool down first?