, in love with a married man, very complicated!

[uncertain27]

I'm struggling with my situation and would appreciate some feedback. Last year in June I met a man online through a local dating site. When we met in person we instantly clicked. He was just what I was looking for; funny, charming, successful, attractive, we shared the same views and I felt like we could talk about anything. He is 43 and I am 27.

 

He treated me better than I had ever been treated and made me feel so appreciated for who I am. After a couple of dates he let me know that he is married and has three kids. I know what you're thinking, that should have been the end of the story, but of course there's more. He went on to tell me that he and his wife were still living together for the sake of the kids, but that his wife had had an affair two years prior and they slept in different rooms.

 

He had been devastated by her affair and could not and would not forgive her, his feelings had changed. He wanted to continue seeing me. I don't know how much difference it makes, but if he were cheating on his wife, I would never have agreed, but she knew and accepted he was dating. So I told him that we could keep seeing eachother but that I was not going to be exclusive, and I would keep dating other people. Well, as we spent more and more time together our feelings became stronger. He told me he loved me and we decided to look for a house.

 

This was in the course of two months. We began looking for a place to live, even had a realtor. We looked all through the month of August and September. On October 3rd I discovered I was pregnant. We continued looking for a place and he became more distant and less interested in our search. I asked him about this and asked if he still wanted to move in together. His response was that he just didn't know.

 

From that point it became an emotional rollercoaster for me. He no longer spent as much time with me, basically pulling away, yet still claiming to love me. I was scared about being alone and told him I didn't want to do the pregnancy alone yet found that I was alone most of the time. It was a very difficult time for me. My mom had died the same year in January and I was a wreck. I was at a job that I hated, but that I now needed to keep for the health insurance.

 

Well, I ended up being fired at the end of November (soon after I let them know I was pregnant). They never gave me a reason. I was unemployed, pregnant, bills due, alone, a complete frightened mess. BD (baby's daddy) and I were still talking everyday but I would see him twice or three times a week maybe. At that point I was angry with him, I felt abandoned and floundering. He was free to live his life without real upheaval, going home to his comfy house, wife making him dinner, kids blissfully unaware, and here I was, my world had turned upsidedown.

 

I was very emotional and needy which pushed him away. I asked him if he wanted to end things, but he didn't. I was scared to be a single mom and struggling with the decision to keep the baby. I decided to keep it, I had always wanted to be a mother. Then I decided to move back home where I am now.

 

The remainder of the pregnancy was better, because I wasn't alone, living with my dad and sister. I managed to get another temp job that would take me right up to my due date. I was very worried about the financial aspect after the baby came. I wanted to stay home with the baby for six months. BD and I wrote an agreement that would allow me to get child support from him, plus an additional amount that I would pay back into a college fund for six months.

 

Throughout the pregnancy, BD and I had many ups and downs. He would be upset about something and not contact me for days or ignore me. At one point he accused me of having sex with someone else during our relationship because he had acquired an std. This was falsified, but that week or so was hell. I have never cried so much or felt such deep hurt then when I was pregnant.

 

Finally the due date arrived. BD was there the whole time, very supportive (even though he insisted on a paternity test). The first month with the baby was a blur. But things between the BD and I were better since I didn't have a huge belly anymore. I still had the hormonal emotionality though. An incident occurred that caused him to say he was "done." Meaning us. I had gotten upset about a comment he made about some woman we had encountered briefly. He decided he was done with the emotions, he couldn't deal with it and didn't want to. So we were done for a few weeks but of course he still would come over to see his son.

 

August of this year we became involved again. He felt like I was back to how I had been when we first met, without the pregnancy hormones. I really was back to normal, I felt. Since then we've been pretty well, he still goes home to his wife and kids, but comes over everyday to see our son. Our son is six and a half months old now. I have made attempts to turn our relationship into a platonic one, but I have such strong feelings for him and because I see him everyday, it makes it near impossible. I love him, I am always so focussed on him that it is starting to feel like an obsession.

 

I don't know if that's because I don't work, my life is pretty small right now, taking care of the baby and seeing him. I want us to be together, to make a family with him, which he knows very well. He says he loves me and his ideal situation would be that we would live right next door to where he lives now so he could see his kids everyday, but this just isn't possible. I don't have any money, and the homes near him are very expensive.

 

His kids now know about our son, they found out in August. BD and his wife told them what happened. The situation with the wife is that they have an "arrangement" where they discuss the children, and that sort of thing but don't talk that much. She is sticking around because she is hoping he will come around. She has begged him to forgive her but he won't. She makes a very good living so it's not because of the money. She wants to keep their family together. I think she might also be obsessed with him.

 

No one else in his life knows about us except his brother. His mom and dad don't, his coworkers don't, no one else.

 

I would love for us to be together. He loves me and our son, but he isn't going anywhere. Since I have no income, I can't contribute to a home for us right now. I would love to stay home with my son for a year (well, till he goes to school actually but not possible), yet I want to go out and get a job so that I can make an income and move in the right direction for BD. I would also like to get a home business going for design work but it's difficult with a six month old baby trying to get anything done.

 

Maybe this seems like a no brainer to some of you, but I am totally in love with this man. I think he would be the ideal husband. He is such a wonderful father and has such a fun spirit. Just the other night we went and got a Christmas tree together and it was wonderful. I know I could be with him for the rest of my life, even though we had a tough time for awhile.

 

What should I do?

[umbo]

Dear ms. Uncertain you have found what you call love in a married mans tragedy. YOur married man was full of heartbreak,misery and dispair from his relationship with his wife. But he did not Divorce his wife and has stayed married to the mother of his kids despite her affair. Stop neglecting these facts, your morals and common decency. Wake up, take a cold shower shake your self from this disillusionment. This man gets to have all that you have to offer(ie. your youth, good looks, and your strenght) and also gets to stay with his wife comfy house and be with his family. Ms.Uncertain be certain about this he is ripping you off. Stop it today!!! you are worth so much more. YOu were pregnant with his child and he did not want to be supportive emotionally you stated you were or felt all alone. That is not love. First of All you can make it at your age you can still make it. Thousands of women turn there life around. Go back to school, seek assistance from your state public agencies. Stop immediately the toxic relationship with this man he is using you as a sex toy don't let him.You have your family if you need to feel loved. He does not love you. Think about these things this will help turn things around for you good luck.

[norajane]

I think he would be the ideal husband.

 

Really? How is that going to happen? He's already a husband and isn't ever going to be YOUR husband.

 

See a lawyer immediately about getting your full right to child support - odds are your little "agreement" that he drew up isn't as much as you are entitled to be getting.

 

If you stop seeing him - except for when he's with your child - perhaps he'll get his head screwed on straight and decide what he wants. If his wife and children already know about you and the baby, then him and his wife "staying together for the kids" is a sham. How does it benefit his kids if he lives with them but has a mistress and child on the side? What are they learning from this about relationships and commitment??

[jmargel]

I think she might also be obsessed with him.

 

Umm, maybe because she is HIS wife?

 

This married man has lied to you from the beginning. My friend met this guy, dated him and she found out through a text message from HIS wife asking why is she calling him so much, and who is she?

 

As I told her he would be calling her back within' a week. He did, saying he has 3 kids, but that he 'lives in his shop', and they are in the process of a divorce. All lies, but yet she still believes him.

 

This guy had no intention of leaving his wife. Why would his wife be so committed now when two years ago she had an affair? I don't buy it. I don't believe his wife ever cheated on him.

 

As soon as you got preg. he didn't want you. It's because he only wants you for sex. I can also guarantee that you are not the only 'other woman' in his life. He's an immature player, that will never give any substance into a relationship.

 

Say you did get this man to divorce his wife. How long before he ends up cheating on you? This guy needs major counseling for himself and unless he gets it, nothing will change.

 

I can't say you are a victim, but just ignorant. That's not to put you down, but it shows how gullible people are when they feel some love and attention. However this 'love' he's given you, is not love. They are just emotions that he's acted through to get what he wanted. 9 times out of 10 a man will not leave his wife while in an affair. Us men are drawn back to what we know, to that comfortable state.

 

He is such a wonderful father and has such a fun spirit. Just the other night we went and got a Christmas tree together and it was wonderful. I know I could be with him for the rest of my life, even though we had a tough time for awhile.

 

What should I do?

 

Leave him. Goto the court system and get child support. Find a real man that is single and is interested in ONLY you. However I know the state of mind that you are in, and I know that you won't follow this. You'll spend the next 2 to 3 years in turmoil and clinging onto every little thing he does with you because that's all you have in this man.

 

Plus, he's 43 and your 27. Age difference is way too out of whack. He's going through a mid-life crisis.

 

Don't become another statistic. Get up on your feet and make things change for yourself.