Who wants to kick me in the ass?

[Sheba]

I am in a relationship with a lot of problems. Neither he nor I are easy to live with. I have chronic low self esteem, which has lead to issues relating to my jealousy over his relationships with other women. He is highly critical and extremely anxious and hot temperered.

 

Our relationship has devolved to the point that any time I raise a criticism of him, he gets very angry so that ultimately I backtrack and apologize. However, in between my "triggering comment" and the apology there has been a lot of ugly stuff, for example:

 

I am routinely accused of being crazy (for my perceptions or expectations)

I am called "stupid" or an idiot, sometimes repeatedly

I am told that he is on the verge of leaving me

I am told that I have ruined his life

I am told that one of these days I will provoke him into hurting me

I am told to "**** off" over and over

I am told to shut up over and over

 

I am always horrified by this extreme anger and wish that I had not made the comment or criticism that led to the fight, but at the same time I do feel as if I should have a right to say how I feel or ask to be treated better or whatever - and I just can't keep my mouth shut. This has gone on for years.

 

Yesterday - disaster. I did not realize that my kids heard all of the name calling that goes on. My husband and I had a minor disagreement, with no name calling, just angry tones and my 16 year old son lost it. He told me that he was sick and tired of hearing me be called names, that he couldn't stand it anymore - he threw some things around his room and went up to his stepfather and said "I am sick and ****ing tired of listening to you call my mother stupid". I spoke with both my kids (my daughter is 14) after the uproar and they said, essentially, that they felt I was abused and needed help.

 

The kids, of course, don't know every detail of the disagreements, they only can hear, I assume, the loud parts. They don't know how the arguments start. They blame everything on their stepfather.

 

I am finally at the point where I obviously MUST do something. I am wrecking my kids' lives by forcing them to live with this. What to do? I don't know. We have an appointment with a counsellor for Wednesday morning, but I am not optimistic - my husband does not agree that he has any sort of anger management problem. We have been to counselling before, and the minute that the counsellor suggested that my husband needed to change his behaviour, we stopped going.

 

Help?

[Romeo Must Die]

My FWS used to be like that. Scary isnt it, walking on eggshells all the time, the name calling, the hot and cold temper. Throwing things. Threatening things. I remember it all. Its all in my head. My husband went from putting me down (privately and publicly) to having an LTA affair.

 

Things he used to say...

 

Youre a worthless Bitch

Youre useless to me C***

 

I have forgiven and forgotten alot in the past but I am telling you woman to woman (mother to mother) that the crisis will only escalate until you move your ass and do something about it. You are teaching your kids this is okay to be treated like this. My son (now deceased involving a car accident) was also name called and verbally abused by my FWS. The only thing that really changed him was leaving him. He had to proove he could change and be a good husband to me and make it up to our angel-son and our other three children he was capable of doing the right thing and being a good dad and husband again.

 

Peace

 

[syz]

Regardless of your part in this you need to be clear that you are living in an abusive relationship. Just start doing some research on verbal abuse and you will see what I am talking about. None of this is acceptable and he has basically threatened physical harm and essentially is telling you it will be your fault. At the very least he needs some anger management class.

 

It is obvious you have self esteem problems or you wouldn't be with someone who is critical and contantly putting you down. He also tries to invalidate what maybe a very valid concern about other women. Your jealousy may NOT be misplaced at all although it probably is out of hand because you are left to feel crazy and then to apologize for it. BOY he really has it his way right now doesn't he.

 

Basically you can't change him but you can begin to change yourself. Please get yourself into some therapy where you can begin to get your head clear and your issues straightened out regardless whether he goes or not. Do not quit just because he thinks he has no problem with his anger or his abuse that is him controlling the situation again. Every abuser justifies his/her actions. Your children can obviously see how wrong this situation is. It sounds like at some point your son and his step father could come to blows over this issue.

[Sheba]

Thank you for your answers, RMD and syz. I am sure you are right and that things will only escalate. Of course, they have been escalating for years. I have been hiding the truth from myself but it is pretty hard to do that when your kids confront you - I can't lie to them about what they have heard themselves.

 

Syz, you are right, my son might hit his stepfather and I can't allow that to happen. Things must change quickly, for the sake of my son. He is at risk of becoming an abusive person himself. Syz, I feel as if you got right into my head when I read your remark about being "left to feel crazy". That hits home.

 

RMD - I am very sorry about your son - that is an unimaginable loss. You must have had a particularly hard time forgiving your husband for hardship he visited on that child. How did your husband manage to change because you left? Did he get help, or was he able to do it on his own?

 

I have been avoiding an ultimatum, like "change or I will leave" because I don't like to get threatened myself, nor do I want to make an empty threat. I have said "I am near the end of my rope". Of course, my huge fear is that I will leave and he won't care. I know that might be for the best.

 

Part of our problem is, in my view, that I have given my husband some real cause for complaint which is always revisited - the jealousy issue. He pulls that out of his pocket all the time. I say "you are wrong to call me names" and he says "I only call you names about that stupid jealousy stuff" which is not true, but I am sure that is the way he remembers things. This allows him to always have a handy justification for the cruel things he says, even though he has said those things about many, many issues.

[Romeo Must Die]

Thanks Sheba. It was something Romeo had to learn on his own, he wasnt having me tell him that he couldnt have his (OW) friend and still call himself a good husband and father in the same breath. We would almost come to blows because I resented this HUGE disrespect for me and our family. After Randy died, he could not have picked a worse time to kick me when I was down.

 

The deciding moment came almost a year later, when he came home one night to start a fight (an excuse to leave and go back to his OW's house) and he made up some arguement where he felt he had to defend the OW's "honor" where he made up some rumor that I supposedly started. I am not a little **** starter I am straight with people and tell it like it is. Anybody who knows me knows this.

 

I fell alseep rocking my baby in the living room chair waiting for him to come home and I was pretty non-confrentational in this state (naturally) but he screamed and hissed at me waking me up by saying... "There is a rumor going around town that you said..." and I just could not take it anymore. Not another day of demonizing me and putting a halo on his whore. This was hell and I lived it every single day. Not anymore.

 

The next day, I took my children and left him. I rented a small cottage house in town and fixed it up. It was great. After that, I bought my own car (very liberating getting an auto loan on my own without a co-signer) and started living my life for myself. If you cant fix the situation, start by removing yourself and your children AWAY from it and let him go. I filed for seperation and got a temporary order of support.

 

People arent supposed to treat their spouse and their children this way, its cruel. Affairs are not natural, you cant coexist with three people in the marriage. It actually got much much worse before it got better, but it was a start. A good start. I could escape and I was safe and I didnt have to live with it. We seperated for one year.

 

Our reconcilliation was rocky. I would move back home and it would start all over again (back and forth with the OW) until he got sick and tired of his own ****. I moved out four times until he got it together and started taking some responsibility.

 

Just remember, you are not responsible for his bad behavior. I know you are the caregiver and the nurturer, but realize that you cant fix this by yourself. Read. Learn. Get inspired to change. Dont even accept your "low self esteem" as something that cant be changed either. When you walk away, it is a great lift. I think that you need and deserve the opportunity to be free so you can become who you want to be. You are repressed from doing anything for yourself in this situation. Its bringing you and the kids down too. Your kids are old enough to help, and strong minded enough to support you in this decision.

 

It starts with you. I wish you all the best in the world.

 

[CynicalP]

Sounds like he is verbally abusing you. No one deserves that and it is very disrespectful, unloving and extremely hurtful. Since you have a low self esteem he is taking advantage of that to your detriment. Honestly, I doubt he be able to change his nature. He obviously does not respect you as a person. Next time he threatens to leave you, find the luggage hand it to him and say "no one is stopping you". You deserve better or at the very least treated with dignity. It might take a little courage and adjustment but you'll be fine without him.

[Sheba]

RMD - thank you for sharing your story. It is quite tale. You have great courage to leave with such a young child. You also have an ability to turn a very pithy phrase - "demonizing [you] and putting a halo on his whore", with the image of you holding your child like a Madonna is instantly heart wrenching.

 

Does FWS mean Romeo is now your former spouse or that he is now faithful? I assume the latter. I suppose he deserves a pat on the back too, for finally coming to his senses. Just a very small pat, however.

 

Cynic - as I am sure you could guess, it was not always like this. In fact, at first he treated me like a gift he had been given. I think I am still as wonderful a friend and partner to him as I was at the outset, so I have this notion that if I did leave him, he would be devasted. I keep expecting him to realize that, but he seems unable. Or, it is just a fantasy I am having.

 

Tomorrow morning we go to see a counsellor. Since the last time we went was so unsuccessful, I am not optimistic. I would have to hear some immediate admissions from him.

 

He has apologized to my children and told them he was wrong to treat me so poorly and that he will not do so again. I can tell they are relieved. Poor kids!

[CynicalP]

Best of luck to you Sheba. First thing he needs to do is start respecting you as a person. I think your holding on to the past, Look at the here and now and imagine the future. If he has little regard for you now wont it get worse in the future? He must have some resentment issues that have bubble over and have chosen verbally assualting as his form of revenge. Maybe there is hope at least he is aware of the damage he is doing to the whole family.

[jmargel]

Counseling is fine but you need to enforce rules that you setup for him. Whenever the arguement gets heated and he starts to yell, etc.. just say 'I am not talking to you anymore right now, not until you cool off'. Then just walk away. If he continues to hound you, just ignore him.

 

Anger, immaturity and the inability to communicate effectively. This will destroy your marriage if it's not dealt with in the right manner. Perhaps he's gotten so comfortable with you and the situation he's taken everything for granted and doesn't realize what kind of impact he's putting on you and the kids.

 

He needs to wake up from all of this.

[Romeo Must Die]

Yes, Romeo and I are back together, we are at the 1 1/2 year mark so we are doing pretty good. The Madonna would be right-on in describing the kind of person that I am. My family and my children are my life. Romeo and I grew up together. We have been together for half my life. He is (irreplaceable) in my life, the same way a brother or a father would be.

 

There is no other woman that can destroy that or take that away from me. The xOW never had seventeen years with anybody. She mirrored the things he said about me to simulate me, to be as filler for me. When Romeo was out fooling around, I was at home taking care of our babies and keeping my faith and keeping it real. OW is now back at the bar scene where he once found her. Later Skater.

 

I am glad youre getting along now with your husband and that he is remorseful and respectful to you and the children. Thats a good sign. I can see how the last counselling session might not have worked for him in a way, not all counsellors are good ones. Some of them are quacks and for the money it costs to keep that up, they had better be worth it.

 

I dont expect people to break up when they fight, but sometimes, especially when a man gets aggressive and out of control, when there are impressionable children around, you have to take the reigns & you have to get tough as they are to show them that you are not a dumb dog to be kicked around. People can learn, they can change and evolve into better people. I can honestly say that I like Romeo as a person much better now than I did before the affair. He is much calmer and more even temered than I ever expected he could be and so Mr. Sheba do the same for himself and his family.

 

[Sheba]

Thanks again for responding RMD, Cynic and jmargel.

 

Cynic, I tend to think he has a TON of resentment about bad things that have happened in his life lately and that I am a handy target. I am sure I am responsible for some of the resentment, but I take the brunt of it all.

 

I agree with jmargel that I have to stop being so forgiving - it will be easier now that my kids are involved. Such a shame. I don't much like the thought of being "on guard" forever.

 

RMD - did you have to change too? Is there such a thing as a totally one-sided screw-up?

 

We went to the counsellor today and ended up having a short discussion about some of our issues which prompted her to counsel us about how my style of communication as a woman was different than his style as a man. She emphasized gender differences so much I started to feel as if we were "Man" and "Woman" to her instead of two individuals.

 

She proposes individual sessions next week and another joint session.

 

Afterwards we had a big argument in the car because I mentioned that in addition to my concerns about the fact that this counsellor seemed very determined that our issues were all about our respective genders, that she was also very good looking and I wondered if my husband could sit and talk openly about his problems without her good looks affecting him. That comment prompted an instant explosion.

 

I guess I know a remark like that may be irritating to him but I felt it was fair since I would personally feel less comfortable with a male counsellor if he was really good looking. I was raising it as an honest concern but he feels as if it is an attack. I do believe that he would be less likely to honestly describe my behaviour or his own to an attractive woman since he is so hard-wired to try to be charming.

 

It is some consolation that I would get a chance to have my say to the same person, but still, this "conversation" is an example of how tenuous our relationship is.

[Romeo Must Die]

LOL, I can just imagine being in the car on the ride home with you two.

 

"Hon, Do you think she is pretty?"

 

I guess you have to (try) to stop looking at other women as a threat to you. There will always be pretty girls and there will always be opportunists, no matter where you go.

 

Men look at other women, it's natural, but in my experience, it has to be free will or you wont get an honest answer out of him, Sweetie.

 

I think if he didnt love you, he wouldnt get so easily excited, and be so instantly affected by you. Men that dont care are indifferent.