OMG What have I done?

[Guest]

I have never cheated on anyone before, but now I have...

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 1/2 years and met this other guy about a month ago. At first it was innocent flirting, and although he knew I was in a relationship, he continued to seduce me (not that I was resistant at all).

I then decided that if I kissed him I would be able to bring closure to it and end it. I was enjoying kissing him, but it didn't bring closure I wanted, and continued until last week, when it went further. I haven't slept with anyone other than my boyfriend for 10 years, until that night. I enjoyed it, and now I feel bad, because I don't feel guilty about it at all.

 

The sex actually did bring closure, and now the guy and I are more like friends or associates, and there is no pent up sexual tension between us. We don't even kiss anymore. I really enjoyed it. My boyfriend has no idea about it, and in my opinon it has improved our relationship. (don't ask me how - I guess it has made me more appreciative of him).

 

I don't know if it's bad that I don't feel guilty about it. It was something I needed to do. I've always wondered what it would be like to have an affair, although I didn't want to hurt someone. And now that I have done it and my boyfriend will never find out (I am 99% sure that it wont come out) it is out of my system. Does that make me a bad person?

 

Thanks for listening. I just had to tell someone.

[Annyka]

Are you sure you don't feel guilty? It seems like you are fishing for verification that what you did was ok - that to me is a sign of guilty feelings.

[whichwayisup]

I have never cheated on anyone before, but now I have...

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 1/2 years and met this other guy about a month ago. At first it was innocent flirting, and although he knew I was in a relationship, he continued to seduce me (not that I was resistant at all).

I then decided that if I kissed him I would be able to bring closure to it and end it. I was enjoying kissing him, but it didn't bring closure I wanted, and continued until last week, when it went further. I haven't slept with anyone other than my boyfriend for 10 years, until that night. I enjoyed it, and now I feel bad, because I don't feel guilty about it at all.

 

The sex actually did bring closure, and now the guy and I are more like friends or associates, and there is no pent up sexual tension between us. We don't even kiss anymore. I really enjoyed it. My boyfriend has no idea about it, and in my opinon it has improved our relationship. (don't ask me how - I guess it has made me more appreciative of him).

 

I don't know if it's bad that I don't feel guilty about it. It was something I needed to do. I've always wondered what it would be like to have an affair, although I didn't want to hurt someone. And now that I have done it and my boyfriend will never find out (I am 99% sure that it wont come out) it is out of my system. Does that make me a bad person?

 

Thanks for listening. I just had to tell someone.

 

Can you live with this? What if he finds out on his own, or the OM tells him? What if someone saw you with the OM? Never say never...

 

Also, did you use protection? if you didn't ... STD check.

 

How would you feel if he slept with another woman? And didn't feel bad about it, had no intention of telling you about it ever. Just remember this...Not saying you bf will cheat on you, but you didn't think you'd cheat on him...I'm just sayin'..

[VandGsMom]

...don't ask me how - I guess it has made me more appreciative of him....

 

 

Well, the amputee is usually more appreciative of the foot after it is cut off....

 

Sometimes I will grant you that there are situations where the SO is better off not knowing, and after 9 years together, I don't know that this isn't one of them, but take WWU's advice and think of how you would feel if the situations were suddenly reversed and act accordingly.

 

It is only fair, no?

[Madeamistake]

Gee wizz Guest!

 

You dont feel gulity? You should! You are in a very long term relationship which one can consider a marraige without any vows before God! I would be dying inside after investing so much time, and energy, including all those years of you being committed to each other, all to come to this! A bloody one night stand that was not worth it. Im also worried that you dont show any remorse for you actions. The way I view it, if another opportunity where to arise, I think you would end up taking it, I dont know.

 

I will be honest with you, you need to tell your SO about it. Do you honestly think you are being fair by concealing it from him? I dont think so. I think he deserves to know and has a right to make a decision. If you hide it, it will be far much worse if he finds out through the grapevine!

 

I would be kicking myself right now if I were you! I have cheated once before and I hated myself for it! It ate me up so badly, totally ditached me from reality, I went through depression, constant crying, and Im a guy. It makes me wonder about you, as a woman in a 9 year relationship!

 

As a matter of fact, I have a question for you. Do you love your bf? I mean really love him?

 

JMHO!

[silentalways]

MADE A MISTAKE

 

can i talk to u about the advice u gave, i have a question as well

 

and are we allowed to include our email and im addy in these posts

[Madeamistake]

Hi Silentalways!

 

Mail me on [email protected]

 

Hope to hear from you soon.

 

Oh by the way, what is an im addy:confused:

[Guest]

I don't know if it's bad that I don't feel guilty about it. It was something I needed to do. I've always wondered what it would be like to have an affair, although I didn't want to hurt someone. And now that I have done it and my boyfriend will never find out (I am 99% sure that it wont come out) it is out of my system.

It's not something you NEEDED to do, it's something you WANTED to do. What I fear is, with this attitude, you will do this again the next time you get sexually attracted to another. Once you do it the first time, it's easy to do it again. Maybe enough times where you will completely destroy the future you had planned with this man. Stop rationalizing your behavior and start figuring out why you would risk losing something so precious for a one night stand.

 

I lost the love of my life this way.

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if your boyfriend did to you what you did to him? Apparently you have gotten a big thrill having sex with another guy behind your boyfriend's back and you do not feel guilty about it. What goes around comes around. If you have any respect left for your boyfriend you would tell him the truth since it is the least you can do. Would you expect your boyfriend to cheat on you? Would you expect him to be honest with you? Right now your relationship is based on lies and dishonesty. Do the right thing and tell him the truth.

[norajane]

II don't know if it's bad that I don't feel guilty about it. It was something I needed to do. I've always wondered what it would be like to have an affair, although I didn't want to hurt someone. And now that I have done it and my boyfriend will never find out (I am 99% sure that it wont come out) it is out of my system. Does that make me a bad person?

 

Thanks for listening. I just had to tell someone.

 

It IS bad that you don't feel guilty about it. Most people feel guilty when they do something to betray the people they love. It's strange that you don't. Maybe it's because your bf doesn't know, so you don't see the impact of what you did.

 

The thing is, you know. So it will always be this thing between you, creating distance. That can hurt your relationship in the long run if you really want to be with your bf.

 

To me it sounds like you got involved when you were both pretty young, and you've been wondering if the grass was greener with someone else. You're saying that you got it out of your system and now you know the grass isn't greener.

 

I don't know if you should tell your bf. Yes, he deserves to know, but since all you'd be able to tell him is that you were hot for some guy and gave in to your curiosity, I think that's going to be an explanation that will viciously tear him apart.

 

But you should certainly think long and hard about betrayal and trust and whether you really want to be with your bf. Most people don't cheat if their relationship is great. Are you being honest with yourself about how you feel about your bf?

[Sal Paradise]

I don't know if it's bad that I don't feel guilty about it.

 

Of course its bad. Its shows a total lack of respect and love for your boyfriend. And it indicates that you will likely do it again, if not with this guy than someone else.

 

It was something I needed to do.

 

No it wasn't. It was something you wanted to do. Need and want are two entirely different things. You didn't need to betray your boyfriend. You didn't need to engage in the act of a lying coward. You chose to because you want your cake and to eat it too. Its a selfish act. No one needs to cheat they choose to because they're selfish.

 

I've always wondered what it would be like to have an affair, although I didn't want to hurt someone.

 

If you didn't want to hurt someone you wouldn't of done it. There is always the possibility he will find out. Most cheaters eventually do get caught. You will probably do this again. Eventually it will catch up with you. What goes around comes around.

 

The "out of my system" excuse is one of the oldest, most common and lamest excuses people use to excuse their horrible behavior. And that is usually what they tell themselves up until they do it again.

 

You don't deserve his love.

 

 

Does that make me a bad person?

 

I don't know if you're a bad person but that certainly isn't the act of a good person. A good person would at the very least feel remorseful and would come clean with the person they betrayed.

 

Good people typically have this thing we call a "conscience" that causes them to feel guilt when they betray or hurt someone they claim to love. It also forces them to tell the person because they can't live with the lie. It makes it difficult for them to even look at themselves in the mirror.

 

Selfish people are adapt at ignoring that little voice (if they have one at all) that tells them when they're doing something that is wrong. Your behavior and attitude toward what you have done indicates you're a selfish person.

 

 

I may sound a bit harsh but you need a serious wake up call. You seem to be in total denial about what you have done. Good luck.

[annee]

I think there is something wrong with your relationship that you have to address. Cos the only time people dont feel guilty is when they are seeking solace away from the problems in their marriage.

You would appreciate the marriage more even after that because you have found a temporary fix. But this only creats great big huge problems in the future because you may need more of these fixes later and that is when you would destroy your marriage.

Dont tell your bf about it but address the issues in your relationship.

Wish you luck

[ehead]

People on this forum have a strong sense of morals, which is good. I think it urks us all that you could cheat and not feel guilty. Sort of like it urks us that Ted Bundy could kill people and not feel guilty. Of course, I'm not trying to make comparisons!

 

I think it's fairly unanimous though... you should feel guilty. Try and feel guilty for a bit, and report back to us and tell us how it went.

 

Of course, you may not feel guilty because of repressed resentment towards your boyfriend. People are really good at making excuses. Has he done something grievious to you ? Something for which you've never forgiven him ?

 

Maybe you don't feel guilty simply because you're feelings about the relationship have changed too.

 

There are lots of reasons people don't feel guilty. Sometimes it's just desensitation too. I used to be an addict, and used to feel guilty about it, but eventually you just get burned out on feeling guilty and you don't feel it anymore.

[ehead]

One more thing.

 

People are not "bad" or "good". People DO bad/good things.

 

By most peoples standards what you did is not "good". Did you really need someone to tell you that ? You can figure that out on your own.

 

Now, you can continue to DO bad things, or try and do good things. It's up to you.

 

Finally, does it really matter what others think, aside from those close to you ? We should all ultimately be the judges of our own behavior.