i'm in love with my best friend

[cbstyles69]

ok folks this is gonna take some time to break out the entire story, but bare with me.

 

11 years ago i met this girl on a campus. we became what we call best friends. back then i would have never concidered being with her for she wasnt my type. over the years i've grown to mature a lil in what i like to call it. she's always had a problem with any woman that i've dated. over the years i started noticing that maybe she has had some sort of feelings torwards me. she's been currantly in a 7 year relationship with this guy. she's never really taken any time for herself in the past 11 years that i've known her. its always break up with guy, next day with another. this left me zero time to act. out of an 11 year friendship the past 3 - 4 years have been so tough for me. my love has grown. this deep acking kinda love.

 

hence we've always told eachother about everything there is to know about eachother, 3 years ago she came to me and told me that she wasnt in love with her boyfriend. how he was controling, wouldnt let her go anywheres. i've noticed this to, but kept my mouth shut for a very long time. he's always been jealous of our friendship. he wouldnt let us hang out, and if he did he kept a close eye on us. i guess i cant really say its just with me, but anyone of the male sex. he doesnt let her out of the house.

 

for the past few years we've resorted to chatting online on yahoo messenger while she was at work because he wont let us hang out. this past may was the starting of all this. it started out with inocent flirting, which led to me breaking the ice (via yahoo) which i didnt want to do but never had the chance alone with her to tell her my feelings. sparks flew. weeks later we kissed for the first time in 11 years. it was absolutely amazing. for 4 day's we text messaged eachother saying one amazing comment to another. this was the best feeling i've ever had. it made perfect sence. best friends for 11 years and we were in love. as i said before for 4 day's we talked, we hung out once, but this came to an end. she started getting confused. i know she's in a relationship, i know she had problems, and i also know he's a phsyco controlling b/f.

 

this went downhill from here.we went from talking everyday for 11 years to a dwindling once a week. then after a month she would come to me telling me she loved me agian.one day i couldnt handle the inconsistancy and said enough. she walked 4 miles to my house and cried on my door step while i told her i couldnt take the indecisivness anymore. a month went by and we emailed eacother several times a day, but all her emails were hatred towards me. she pushed me away.

 

i left the scene and found a rebound for i was very hurt. a month into my relationship with this other woman my best friend started flirting agian. i broke up with this woman because i didnt love her, and could never love her. my best friend moved in once agian, but this time told me she wanted strickly friends with bennies type of thing. i think i was ok with this for a lil while, but i find she's been telling people that she's in love with her currant boyfriend. i know she's been trying to get out of her relationship with this guy for quite some time, but i guess he's been a lil persistant that they need to be together. they have a child together which i'm sure makes things difficult.

 

she's left me in the dark on whats been going on with her and her boyfriend since i mentioned that i had these feelings for her. for 11 years she's always told me everything. we still insist on being best friends. this is a must, i could never part with her, but the feelings i have seem quite over powering. when i'm around her i just want to hold her close. she kisses me still to this day like were dating but show's nothing else as far as feelings. she tells me "i love you" which we've always said. nothings changed. i've never had a normal relationship in the past 11 years. she's always acted like the woman i was dating was ever good enough for me. i'm stuck. need advice. should i wait for her? should i let her go? letting her go seems to be so hard. i'm a guy that tends not to show his feelings, but for a month i cried the last time i tried letting her go thinking i was doing the right thing. i know she did the same.

 

tonight is where i decided to write this because i was at the mall with her doing some christmas shopping. when we were done i drove her home. she insisted on me comming in to eat chinese food with her and her boyfriend and some friends that he had over. i sat down and noticed the front zipper was open on my leather coat so out of curiosity i reached in and found a yellow peace of paper. i unfolded it and inside it said "lets run away together (question mark) please!!, i'll pay.... love, Me" i sat back down in my seat and acted like i didnt read anything, and she didnt see me read it either. on my way home i called her on her cell phone and asked her to call me when she got a chance to break free from her boyfriend. she called a few hours later. i asked her about the note that was in my jacket. she replied " what note".

 

i said " the note that you left in my front pocket of my coat" she at first denied that she left the note, but i know her hand writing. and her style. she then agree'd that she did write it and stated that she wrote it 4 months ago. but what i'm confused on is that my coat has been in storage throughout the summer, and i didnt break it out till 20 day's ago. the only time she has been at my house in the past 20 day's is within the past few day's. i'm so confused, because it seems like a cry for help. ive been trying to figure out exactly how bad her relationship is with her boyfriend but she refuses to talk about it.

 

she still insists that she wrote the note 4 months ago when the weather was nice and no need for a coat. funny thing is i mentioned to her last week that i wanted to move home to ny and be with familly. she asked me not to go because she couldnt handle being so far away from me agian. so i asked her to come with me and she replied since she's in realistate that since the market crash happend that she was considering moving home anyways and that it was a great idea. i asked her if her boyfriend would be going with her and she said she doubted it.

 

i feel kinda silly posting this story on the net but if anyone could give me some advice it would be greatly appreciated.

 

seriously confused

 

some guy from the east coast.

[Guest]

few questions:

 

1. so this is an affair? 2, and u 2 went and had dinner with her bf?

 

2,. its a blend of sad and happy stuff - so i must be really confusing for her - she is getting pulled back and forth emotionally - that takes a toll = do u have kids? i have no big item u need to look at...why did she never pause between bf and she is gonna need a break soon - u know what i mean - its all piling up and now 2 guys - everyone and i mean everyone need down time just for them - no-one but them - its important - so why don't u offer that u her [that's a huge sign of love and trust] -

 

3. ever notice that right now in our lives we are the age gap that does the stuff?

[cbstyles69]

i guess you could call it an affair, but we've never had sex. and yes i have a son that lives with his mother and her and i are no longer together. she has a son with her currant boyfriend. and yes, things are completely confusing for the both of us. i try not to chase, and i try to be patient. i just dont think she tells me everything thats going on. like for instance she say's she's never loved the man that she's currantly with, but yet in the same note she chooses lust over love. i think the both of us are afraid of losing a great friendship over this. regardless i knew she was confused and i tried backing off from the situation but yet another month later she ran to me agian showing feelings all over agian. i think at that time i was over her, and i let it happen agian. it seems that the only one that falls at a loss is myself. (lonely, lost,confused) all three of these are how i feel. i know rewinding time isnt a possibility but sometimes i wish i could go back and take back the fact that i told her i had these feelings for her. yet at the same note being near her/with her was almost unbarable seems i had fallen so hard for my best friend.

sigh

confused in rhode island.

[cbstyles69]

77 page views and only one person ( anonomous) has contributed. need some feedback if anyone can contribute..

 

greatly appreciated.

 

thanks.

[Guest]

It does sound like she wants to break away from her relationship; the fact she has a child with her current partner complicates the situation and if you're seen as the cause for the break up her son could end up resenting you which could mean that the relationship would be troubled.

 

I'm not a great person to be giving advice (you should see the situation i'm in - lol )

 

I would think that perhaps talking to her somemore saying that you're considering moving to ny (new york?), say that you'd wouldn't want to leave her and she what she says - try and get some more positive feedback on her feelings about her current partner.

 

Good luck.

[Yamaha]

My advice is you need to break away from her. You have been friends for to long and women can't seem to make the jump from friend to bf very easily. This is why her confusion. For your own sake you can't continue with her because she will hang on to you because your comfortable but she will pull away again when she sees things changing. I would move back to NY with your family and start over. You will need to go NC with her until you can see her as just a friend. I don't mean to be harsh but I really think it is the best thing for you as well as her.

[cbstyles69]

i think most of all 3 of your comments seem pretty reasonable for the acception of breaking away from an 11 year friendship. she needs me and i need her. things will be fine in the end and i'm showing more then enough patience then needed. i realize she's going thru alot, and i also realize i am aswell. moving to ny really isnt my way of running away. i've contimplated moving there for a while now for financial and familly reasons. reguardless she's already talking about going to ny with me. thats one thing she's never been able to do, is go without me for extended periods of time. the last time we lived in seperate states she ended up moving closer. were eachothers muses. she'l always be there and the same goes for me. regardless of feelings i've come to the conclusion that i'm going to just accept things as they come. i'm going to be the best friend that a friend could be. if we end up just being friends then so be it at least i have her in my life. if we end up being g/f and b/f then pluss for us. either way as long as we have eachother its all good.

 

i just wanted to thank the few people that took there time to help with this decission. its been tough cuz all my other friends are not like her. i can go to her about everything ( for the acception of this deal). i've asked many people for advice and nobody seems to have an answere. regardless reading these forums and having some great feedback on my issues seem to have helped out huge.

 

feel free to keep the suggestions rolling.

i'm starting to feel better about all this already.

[crazy_grl]

You need to get her out of your life, at least temporarily. She's clearly shown that she's not simply going to suddenly choose you over him. She may complain about him and say she doesn't love him, but she's still with him. Actions speak louder than words, my friend. She could have left him and been with you. She's had plenty of time to do it, but she hasn't. She also could have made the decision to stay with him and stopped stringing you along. She hasn't done that either. IMO, a person in the situation she's in, owes it to her friend and bf to make a descision and stop stringing them both along.

 

Tell her that you love her and can't continue being her friend right now, but if she decides she wants to be with you, you'd love to hear from her.

 

Also, I think by always being there for her and being so crazy about her, you might be making it easier for her to stay with her boyfriend. She may say that she's distressed about it and torn by her feelings, she may even think that, but the fact is that she's getting her needs met by two men.

 

If you want to be with her, let her feel what it's like to be without you. To do that, you have to grow some balls and not fall at her feet the second she says she misses you. She knows how you feel and what you want from her. If she really missed you and had feelings for you, she'd show it to you by leaving her bf and being with you.

(Though I question why you'd want to be with a woman who has a history of bf hopping, is willing to sneak around and cheat behind her bfs back, and doesn't have the courage to break up with a guy she says she doesn't love. Frankly, she sounds like a nightmare, but it's your decision.)

 

If she decides she wants to stay with him, you can use your time away from her getting over her and moving on. Then once you've moved on with your life, you'll have a better chance of being friends with her again.

[crazy_grl]

Forgot one thing. Your post had a couple spots that made me think you might be aluding that he's abusive toward her. I wasn't sure if that's what you were trying to say. If that's the case, you need to encourage her to get to therapy, support groups, etc.

[cbstyles69]

i think the abuse thing may be the case. he's not only controlling but a violent man. since i met him 7 years ago he had a pitbull (dog). at least twice a day he'd get so violently pissed at this dog that he would closed fist beat the **** out of this dog, and the beating didnt consist of just one punch. it was about 30. she has showed me a few bruises in the past and claimed she fell. i've asked her about that if it was possible for him to be physically abusive, but she always say's " he wouldnt dare". i know she said to me once about 3 years ago that he told her if she left him he would kill her. she's got way to much going for her in her life being vice president and ceo of her company. the fact of the secret note stating lets run away with the big " please, i'll pay" seemed like a distress call to me. these reasons keep me around. regardless she's attempted to leave him many times but for some reason always ends back up with him. most of these attempts happend prior to me telling her my feelings. regardless i dont know if theres anymore i can do for her. i've been by her side for 11 years and feel left in the dark. if i could come up with a different way to ask her to tell me the truth. anyways like i said: i'm moving home to ny not just because of her, but i'm sure i'll get my break to clear my head. further more if this was true that she's been stringing me along on purpose then it would just be straight up messed up. we've adored eachother for 11 years. and maybe you are right, she's always had the comfort that i'll always drop what i'm doing for her. its odd cuz any other woman that would have done this too me would have had the boot the first time. i'm a pretty stand up guy. but since it involves two people that have been thru so much together it seems almost imposible to let go. i know the old saying goes: if you love someone let it go, if she loves you she'l come back. maybe i should test this theory, and i know your right 100 percent. regardless i feel theres no excuse why she would leave me in the dark on this. i have called her out on her leaving me on the back burner. i just always felt pushing the subject on her being with me was wrong because its not my choice, its hers.

 

anyways thanks for your comment, definatly something i've pondered in the past.

 

peace.

[cbstyles69]

i tried getting over her and succeeded in the past. i started dating someone for a couple months. my best friend and i didnt talk thru the duration. when i broke up with this girl my best friend came running back and started with the flirting agian. maybe she's looking for me to grow some balls and stand up for her with her b/f. i dont know. this is all new to me cuz she's always told me everything. as of the past 6 months i've been left in the dark, we say were best friends but i dont feel it anymore.

[norajane]

Her bf beats their dog???

 

I guess no matter what else he does that may be wonderful for her, the fact that he beats the dog tells me he's not a good person, and is probably not a good influence on their child. If I were her, I'd leave him even if there were no other reason - a man who beats his dog is only one step away from beating a child or the woman in his life.

 

At the same time, I agree with your last post to a point. Yes, I think you need to grow a pair and do what you need to do to distance yourself from this back-and-forth little game.

 

BUT no, it is NOT your job to stand up to her bf for her!!! That is her job. Certainly, if she needs help like a place to stay or whatever, help her. But she needs to get him out of her life and out of her system before the two of you start anything. It cannot work any other way.

 

You need to stand up to HER and tell her that you can't participate in this anymore. That she needs to make up her mind as to what she wants in her life. And that you are going to live yours. If she ever gets her act together, she can let you know, but in the meantime, you are a free agent.

 

And watch yourself - that dog beating boyfriend wouldn't think twice to beat you into the ground - or let his dog do it for him - if he thinks his girl is cheating on him

[Moresome]

From what you've typed, she doesn't sound like a 'great' friend, I'm sorry to say. Rather, you seem to have a dependent relationship on each other. Something that goes way beyond supporting a friend in need.

 

Do you believe the only thing standing in the way of a relationship with your friend is her boyfriend? If she left him, do you think you would have a happy life with her...after everything that has happened?

 

I think you need to arrange a meeting with her. A proper time for you to be brave and show your feelings. Moving to NY (alone) will not solve the situation when you can use the internet to continue communicating your issues. Dealing with your feelings, but from a farther distance away, could make you feel more isolated. I recommend that you come to some sort of conclusion about your friendship while you can still talk face to face about it.

 

Make in clear to her that the meeting is to discuss you both. If she makes excuses that she can't possibly meet you at all, then that sums up her feelings towards you. Say that somethings need to be said for both of your sakes.

 

Then, share with her what you did with us...talking her through how you have felt over the years. You owe it to yourself to be up front and honest. It's about the only hope either of you have left. Ask her how she feels about you. Make it clear this is the last chance she'll get. It's ultimatum time...you or him. She can think it over, for say a week, and then give you an answer. Reassure her that you'll still be her friend, but if she doesn't want you like you want her, you'll have to back away from her as this has got too painful for you. You can't keep going on like this. Life is too short.

 

Prepare for the fact that she will probably chose him, but at least you'll have finally released yourself. I think you've had some great advice from other people here. I just wanted to add that you should sort this out before moving to NY. You need to push yourself to meet new people.

[cbstyles69]

Established Member

 



 

Join Date: May 2006

Posts: 2,810

 

 

Her bf beats their dog???

 

I guess no matter what else he does that may be wonderful for her, the fact that he beats the dog tells me he's not a good person, and is probably not a good influence on their child. If I were her, I'd leave him even if there were no other reason - a man who beats his dog is only one step away from beating a child or the woman in his life.

 

At the same time, I agree with your last post to a point. Yes, I think you need to grow a pair and do what you need to do to distance yourself from this back-and-forth little game.

 

BUT no, it is NOT your job to stand up to her bf for her!!! That is her job. Certainly, if she needs help like a place to stay or whatever, help her. But she needs to get him out of her life and out of her system before the two of you start anything. It cannot work any other way.

 

You need to stand up to HER and tell her that you can't participate in this anymore. That she needs to make up her mind as to what she wants in her life. And that you are going to live yours. If she ever gets her act together, she can let you know, but in the meantime, you are a free agent.

 

And watch yourself - that dog beating boyfriend wouldn't think twice to beat you into the ground - or let his dog do it for him - if he thinks his girl is cheating on him

Last edited by norajane : Today at 12:28 AM.

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Join Date: Dec 2006

Posts: 20

 

 

From what you've typed, she doesn't sound like a 'great' friend, I'm sorry to say. Rather, you seem to have a dependent relationship on each other. Something that goes way beyond supporting a friend in need.

 

Do you believe the only thing standing in the way of a relationship with your friend is her boyfriend? If she left him, do you think you would have a happy life with her...after everything that has happened?

 

I think you need to arrange a meeting with her. A proper time for you to be brave and show your feelings. Moving to NY (alone) will not solve the situation when you can use the internet to continue communicating your issues. Dealing with your feelings, but from a farther distance away, could make you feel more isolated. I recommend that you come to some sort of conclusion about your friendship while you can still talk face to face about it.

 

Make in clear to her that the meeting is to discuss you both. If she makes excuses that she can't possibly meet you at all, then that sums up her feelings towards you. Say that somethings need to be said for both of your sakes.

 

Then, share with her what you did with us...talking her through how you have felt over the years. You owe it to yourself to be up front and honest. It's about the only hope either of you have left. Ask her how she feels about you. Make it clear this is the last chance she'll get. It's ultimatum time...you or him. She can think it over, for say a week, and then give you an answer. Reassure her that you'll still be her friend, but if she doesn't want you like you want her, you'll have to back away from her as this has got too painful for you. You can't keep going on like this. Life is too short.

 

Prepare for the fact that she will probably chose him, but at least you'll have finally released yourself. I think you've had some great advice from other people here. I just wanted to add that you should sort this out before moving to NY. You need to push yourself to meet new people.

 

 

 

I reference to norajane's comment:

first i'd like to thank u for your advice

secondly i think she's been too comfortable over the past 11 years for her to actually believe me that i'm going to seperate myself from her completely. in regards to her violent b/f sometimes yes i feel like putting him in his place, and no i'm not afriad of him, real men dont do what he does. his dog was put down by court order over a year ago due to its violent tendencies in biting people and killing dogs and cats. although this is a pitbulls instinct i feel most of the dogs violence has been brought forth from its upbringings. a close friend of the both of ours ( mine and my best friend) had mentioned a posability that he's been threatening her if she had left him. mentally i dont think he's stable. to make things clear, this is the second time i've lived in rhode island. the first time i moved here because she asked me too. this was before feelings were availed. i lived with her for a couple years with my ex girlfriend and then i ended up moving back. the second time i moved here souly because i realized i had feelings for her. trust me i'll never make that kinda move without knowing full well that i'm secured because things went very wrong back then. it was a year and a half later that i finally told her that i had feelings for her. i just wanted to make my intentions clear that i'm moving back to new york for several reasons. i had a son with my ex girlfriend 13 months ago. i have my child on the weekends. i think the only thing that is stopping me from moving back to new york is that i'll be 3 and a half hours away from my son. financially i'm having a tough time here. i know my obligations here are to support my son, and i have no problem in doing so for the acception that 115.00 a week for child support plus medical has put me in a financial burdon. i've lived in new york my entire life and so has my best friend. she's been talking about moving back there if i do and that her boyfriend wasnt willing to go. so who know's, maybe things may turn out good in the end.

 

i dont want people to get the wrong impression when i say i'm in love with her. yes she has a peace of my heart but that doesnt stop me from doing what i have to do in life. i work my 40 hours a week, i love my son and we have a great time on the weekends, and i do see other woman in hopes that i will find that special someone. i've told her before that i'm not waiting for her and she knows this. who know's maybe she thinks different.

 

lastly i think it would be great for her boyfriend to try and kick my ass. lol. theres been 7 years of anger built up inside me towards this guy. too many reasons for me to want him to show up at my doorstep. i think the point is: battered or mentally abused woman seem to have a tough time leaving the abuser, it will happen eventually, but most of the time it seems the woman will sit around long enough to self destruct. her and i still hang out as friends, and we kiss on occation but theres nothing out of the normal that we do as apposed to 11 years ago. we've always hugged and cuddled as friends. were just really close. all my feelings have been put out on the plate and she's asked me to wait till a later date. she know's that if someone else comes along that i'll jump to the opportunity. i've already said and done those things.

 

[rakula]

This kinda sounds like a situation I'm in or used to be in rather. I'm telling you man she is just using you for support. This isn't real love if anything you could help get away from her abusive boyfriend and then have her seek conseling. Don't even think of starting anything with her. She needs to be healed strong as a single person before she can even think to having a relationship with you.

[Ciprian]

That's one of the worst situations:to be in love with an opposite sex friend and she/he hasn't the same feelings.I believe in these situations the friendship is 60-70% over.

[rakula]

That's one of the worst situations:to be in love with an opposite sex friend and she/he hasn't the same feelings.I believe in these situations the friendship is 60-70% over.

yeah because they feel weird about it afterwards. You can't do the same things you used to do because they will always think you think of them more than just friends.

[cbstyles69]

i dont know. this is a tough subject. we've taken time out on eachother towards the end of this past summer. i dated someone else and she remained with her b/f. we've still been hanging out like we always do but i get what your saying. my feelings are still there, and weather she has them or not i dont know. i'm questioning if she ever had them. she was always hesitant to actually come out and say what her feelings were. it was always left with a soft passionate kiss and assumption on my part that quite possibly we could be together one day. i talked to her the other night about this and she explained how she was growing comfortable with me. i dont know what this meant for we've always been comfortable. when we kissed for the first time she told me " i've wanted to do that for the longest time". i'm still confused because i feel left in the dark.

 

to anyone that feels they may have an answere:

 

should i chase the idea for an explanation from her?

or should i let this go?

do you guy's really think i have to ditch my best friend? it seems as if were both struggling and i dont know how to stop this.

 

all feelings aside i love her with all my heart. no matter what kind of arguments or ****ty things the two of us have said or done to eachother in the past i still consider her my best friend. maybe this is just another bump in the road. i'm moving to ny to be with familly soon and maybe i can utilize this time to get past this.

everyones saying in there comments that i need to befreind her. i dont know if i can do this. or maybe i should.

i feel this is my last post if i can get all of you to help me out with these questions.

should i keep her as a friend?

or should i set her free?

[Raleuse]

to anyone that feels they may have an answere:

 

should i chase the idea for an explanation from her?

or should i let this go?

do you guy's really think i have to ditch my best friend? it seems as if were both struggling and i dont know how to stop this.

 

should i keep her as a friend?

or should i set her free?

 

Don't feel I have an answer as only you will have the final say in this - it's your life - but here's my 2cents. I don't think you'll get much more explanation than you have had up to now. She does seem confused about her feelings but mainly has decided to stay friends. She could change her mind again but chances are she won't. Maybe she just doesn't want to loose her best friend and won't answer for fear you'd leave her.

 

I have exactly the same from my best friend of the opposite sex. Everyone tells me I need to stop seeing him (it's not even possible) and move on. However, the friendship we share is beyond those stupid lust feelings I sometimes have. It is too precious to let go. He doesn't want to (yes, partly because he needs me, it's comfortable/flattering, but also because he likes me lots - as a friend) and I don't want to either.

 

Most people will tell you that unrequisited love ruins a friendship anyway. That the unwanted feelings are always in the way and either drive the one who loves more than the other nuts or embarrass the 'friend-only' or both. It's probably true in many cases. In my case, it does create frictions sometimes when I react moodily because I feel frustrated that my feelings are not returned. I've told him so and he understands and waits for me "to get over it".

 

However, I can't help but see it this way: I also have a best same-sex friend whom I really deeply love. Friendship feelings can be as strong as love ones, only without the lust. It's pretty straightforward - we're friends, soulmates. Why is it not possible for friends of opposite sex to have the same kind of bond? Why would she not feel like that about you? And if this is the case, is it not the kind of relationship that is worth saving? That's the question you have to ask yourself. What are the pros and cons of saving this friendship or not? Do you feel you can (it's hard and there are up and downs but your moving should help a bit) tune down your feelings so that it doesn't hurt all the time when you're with her but can't have it all? So that she doesn't feel embarrassed by your lovingly staring at her while you fantasize about what may never be? Or alternatively do you think that you can live without her friendship if you free yourself (because it is YOU whom you'd be setting free)?

 

Wishing you the best whatever road you choose.

[cbstyles69]

ty for your comment it was rather heart warming. sounds as if were both in the same boat. it scares me because i read other peoples threads that are in the same boat and i'm wondering if there is anyone thats been in our situation that has actually gotten together and made it work. although if someones posting a thread regarding this type of situation its more then likely that one of them was in love and the other wasnt. if two people got together then i doubt someone would resort to a forum to ask for advice. i think its a beatiful thing though if it does. i mean picture this. two best friends of the opposite sex that have been best friends for as long as me and my friend get together. we already know everything about eachother ( no mistery). every new relationship i start seems to be the same scenario everytime. everything seems so picture perfect in the beginning, then you find out the real (her) hence i'm single everytime i find out the real her seems to not be that great of an outcome. this is why i chased the idea of me being with my friend. we respect eachothers boundries. we have so much fun together. she's absolutely beautiful inside and out. her smiles light up my eyes. she's so caring not just for me but life in general. the list could go on forever but i think u get the point. i just dont understand why everyone on here seems to think two best friends could never be anything more then just best friends. its almost like i could care less if i had sex with her. i think at one time we almost did. we were kissing on my bed. she does make me excited when we kiss so i guess sex with her has been a huge fantacy. anyways things heated up, i kinda knew she wanted what i wanted. hands were wondering. i've never done this sort of thing with her, and i also wanted to respect her boundries. i stopped and asked her if she was ok with what was happening ( to sort of let her know that i didnt want to use her for sex). she replied" why dont we wait". when we got up off the bed she explained on how sexually aroused i had made her. i guess she knew i felt the same for i couldnt stand up off the bed for a bit without being embarrassed. lol. on the way back to her place to drop her off that night is when she explained that for now she wanted a " friends with benefits" type of thing. maybe she was exploring the possibility with us being more then friends for now but didnt want to commit cuz she was still exploring. i dont know. but the fact of the matter is, she never gave me the opportunity to be alone with her agian to do so. the only times she would come over from that night on was when my child was here, or she would bring her child with her, or she would invite me over when her boy friend was home. we still kissed when we found the chance to be without her boyfriend. i just feel she gave up on the whole idea, but dont know why. anyways i dont think any of that is relivent. i feel i need a break from her but tried that in the past. feelings seem to come back just as easy as they started in the first place. i knew either two things would happen when i told her my feelings, either we'd get together and be happy, or i'd lose a really great friend. i thought i was prepared for both of those when i told her. i guess not. i think i waited to tell her so long because i wanted to know if she definatly felt the same. she was really flirty and was joking about us getting married alot at the time. the jokes and incinuations seemed like the shoe fit. i guess i was wrong. when i first started this thread i was thinking i'd use the answeres for two reasons.

 

1. i needed answeres because none of my friends were giving me them

2. i was and am still thinking of giving her the link to this page and letting her read it all. i think when we talk i try to talk to her about all of these things but between her answeres and her feeling uncomfortable about me questioning our friendship kinda ends our discussion.

 

anyways i think i'll wait till after xmas and not to ruin the spirit. i know she's going to take this pretty hard but i'm thinking of ending this friendship. i dont know for how long, or if i'm going to actually go thru with it at all. its just a thought and maybe for our own good. she's never going to lead a normal relationship with me around. i'm sure i wont beable too either. what i'd like to see more is her leave her boyfriend, even if i dont get a chance with her. i really adore this woman. she's genuine. i just want whats best for her. i know she has a child with this guy. he's not a very good father figure. i dont even think he does the father son thing. he'd rather sit on the couch and play vidio games all day.

 

anyways feel free to keep the post's comming guy's

 

thanks for all the help

 

me.

[Guest]

Wow, before I read all the feedback I had such a positive opinion, but then, come to think about it, it's all on her, wether she wants this affair or whatever you call it work or not. The guy is clearly in love with her, the girl seems to have the same feelings, maybe just in diferrent level. If she loves him as much as he does to her, she would pack her bag, leave and be with the guy. There is a chance if you're willing to try.

 

Even tho there are some things need to be considered, like the child, but she should knows better, what's good for a child to have an abusive father? It's a bad bad influence, and will totally affecting the child's upbringing.

 

Ok, maybe she's a pushover, then it's hard for her to grow some balls and leave the bf. She needs someone to help her to boost herself esteem so she grows confident, stand up for herself, figure out what she wants, WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. Is it to be with the abusive bf who she has a child with but she "doesn't love"? Or be with the bestfriend for 11 years that she's in love with?

 

In the mean time, just move to NY and live your life. Give her some time to do some thinking, real hard thinking. If you believe that she's your soulmate, then she'll come to you, and you guys will live happilly ever after, just like in the fairy tales.....

 

GREAT LOVE CHANGES YOUR LIFE

[cbstyles69]

i just want to clarify with everyone thats posted on my thread. several people are taking what i said as far as her boyfriend abusing her.

 

at this time it was an assumption and not to be taken as she is being abused. i used his dog as an example of his violent tendancy's which doesnt mean he beats her or the child. at least i hope he doesnt. sometimes i get the feeling he might be but i couldnt have the proof needed to point the finger.

 

on a more enlightening note if i ever found out he was he'd be missing a few knee caps.

 

back to this subject tho.

 

if a man can beat his dog and still say he's got this profound love for his dog, what makes this man sain?

 

if a man loves his girlfriend but feels betrayed would u think his girlfriend may be in danger too?

 

what if he loves his child yet his child upset him in a way, do u think his child would be in danger too?

 

i do think about this sometimes because he always noted that he loved his dog. his dog was his best friend. but i could never understand why he beat his dog so. sometimes i felt like he beat his dog to feel cool infront of his friends.

 

another item to look at.

 

her boyfriend is a tattoo artist. he proceeds to do his work out of the house. most of his work he's done is on local gang members. my question is, would you allow local gang members to be around your son?

 

she just recently pulled her son out of kindergarten claiming he was too young and not ready yet.

 

reason being her son was sent to the principals office for violent behavior

-throwing a desk because he was mad at being punished by the teacher

-biting a student

-hitting another student

-and i guess the list goes on

 

i guess i have no real question here. this man is by far a perfect roll model for this child. i've talked to her about this and she seems to ignore all this. she feels the child should have a father. i feel the same, but i feel the child should have a loving father and not a negative roll model.

[Guest]

Wow, before I read all the feedback I had such a positive opinion, but then, come to think about it, it's all on her, wether she wants this affair or whatever you call it work or not. The guy is clearly in love with her, the girl seems to have the same feelings, maybe just in diferrent level. If she loves him as much as he does to her, she would pack her bag, leave and be with the guy. There is a chance if you're willing to try.

 

Even tho there are some things need to be considered, like the child, but she should knows better, what's good for a child to have an abusive father? It's a bad bad influence, and will totally affecting the child's upbringing.

 

Ok, maybe she's a pushover, then it's hard for her to grow some balls and leave the bf. She needs someone to help her to boost herself esteem so she grows confident, stand up for herself, figure out what she wants, WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. Is it to be with the abusive bf who she has a child with but she "doesn't love"? Or be with the bestfriend for 11 years that she's in love with?

 

In the mean time, just move to NY and live your life. Give her some time to do some thinking, real hard thinking. If you believe that she's your soulmate, then she'll come to you, and you guys will live happilly ever after, just like in the fairy tales.....

 

GREAT LOVE CHANGES YOUR LIFE

 

FIRST OF ALL, IF SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND I AM NOT EVER MAKING ANY ADVANCES SEXUALLY AND BECAUSE I WOULD FEEL THAT WAY ALWAYS WITH HER AND SHE DID NOT I WOULD HAVE TO NOT SEE HER AGAIN AS WELL

 

THERE IS NO WAY IN THE WORLD I COULD BE IN A SITUATION LIKE THAT

HOW IN THE WORLD CAN SOMEONE BE WITH SOMEONE THAT DOES SEE U THE SAME WAY - THAT WOULD BE AN EASY AND CLEAR DECISION FOR ME

AND PERHAPS THAT IS MY SITUTAION AFTER ALL - I SHOULD THINK ABOUT THIS - MAKES SENSE

[cbstyles69]

FIRST OF ALL, IF SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND I AM NOT EVER MAKING ANY ADVANCES SEXUALLY AND BECAUSE I WOULD FEEL THAT WAY ALWAYS WITH HER AND SHE DID NOT I WOULD HAVE TO NOT SEE HER AGAIN AS WELL

 

THERE IS NO WAY IN THE WORLD I COULD BE IN A SITUATION LIKE THAT

HOW IN THE WORLD CAN SOMEONE BE WITH SOMEONE THAT DOES SEE U THE SAME WAY - THAT WOULD BE AN EASY AND CLEAR DECISION FOR ME

AND PERHAPS THAT IS MY SITUTAION AFTER ALL - I SHOULD THINK ABOUT THIS - MAKES SENSE

 

ok mr "guest" i really dont know who u are, or what your point was. i find this rather confusing because you stepped into this forum as if it was your own situation. second, i'm talking about an 11 year old " best friend" yes folks "best friend" u dont throw away best friends because she has feelings and i do just because she has a boyfriend. were at a stand still. nothings obviously going to happen unless she leaves him. i believe she did want to be intimate with me for exploration purposes and me the same. its a huge step for her to leave her boyfriend for me. not to mention a huge step because she's never been anything but platonic with me. ever. out of 11 years the first time kissing was last may. we've never had sex, and i think she contimplated the idea for exploration purposes ( to see if it could actually happen) to see if i could actually excite her that way. i think most of you underestimate this woman. she's a very brilliant woman she bears in the upper percentile in iq level. i'm sure she's thought all of this thru, completly. aswell as i have. back to throwing my best friend away. i would have to rank that right up there with suicide ( the cheepest cop out ever). it saddens me that the negative comments on here consist of such rubbish. obviously some of your friendship values need to be checked. i have contimplated a couple times on the fact that maybe just throwing her aside would be easier, but realized that would be the most selfish act i could ever do. i brought this all on myself. fine she was flirtatious back then, but i was the one that told her about feelings. i made the leap. i fully knew the conciquences when i availed my long kept secret. she's willing to work with me on our friendship, and i think i'll do the same. maybe a short break without her will help. something temporary. agian can people stop assuming that she's being beaten. i dont now if she's being beaten. it was an assumption. a feeling, only cuz i know how he treated his dog. anyways just wanted to stress this one more time. thanks

[Yamaha]

I don't see it happening unless you both get married to different people; then you could be friends. Do you really think you can just feel friendship for her when you obviously love her as much as you seem to? You will resent the fact that she can't/won't return your feelings and it will eat away at you and the friendship will suffer. I think you need to go to NY and be apart and look for another gal to have those romantic feeling for ( in time ). It is the only way to save the friendship that you seem to want.