Guest Posted December 20, 2006 Share Posted December 20, 2006 ok mr "guest" i really dont know who u are, or what your point was. i find this rather confusing because you stepped into this forum as if it was your own situation. second, i'm talking about an 11 year old " best friend" yes folks "best friend" u dont throw away best friends because she has feelings and i do just because she has a boyfriend. were at a stand still. nothings obviously going to happen unless she leaves him. i believe she did want to be intimate with me for exploration purposes and me the same. its a huge step for her to leave her boyfriend for me. not to mention a huge step because she's never been anything but platonic with me. ever. out of 11 years the first time kissing was last may. we've never had sex, and i think she contimplated the idea for exploration purposes ( to see if it could actually happen) to see if i could actually excite her that way. i think most of you underestimate this woman. she's a very brilliant woman she bears in the upper percentile in iq level. i'm sure she's thought all of this thru, completly. aswell as i have. back to throwing my best friend away. i would have to rank that right up there with suicide ( the cheepest cop out ever). it saddens me that the negative comments on here consist of such rubbish. obviously some of your friendship values need to be checked. i have contimplated a couple times on the fact that maybe just throwing her aside would be easier, but realized that would be the most selfish act i could ever do. i brought this all on myself. fine she was flirtatious back then, but i was the one that told her about feelings. i made the leap. i fully knew the conciquences when i availed my long kept secret. she's willing to work with me on our friendship, and i think i'll do the same. maybe a short break without her will help. something temporary. agian can people stop assuming that she's being beaten. i dont now if she's being beaten. it was an assumption. a feeling, only cuz i know how he treated his dog. anyways just wanted to stress this one more time. thanks hmmmm...what i was simply saying was i would not allowing my feelings for another cause trouble in some other relationship she had - it was actually respectful Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 If you love her the way you say you do, your first priority should be making sure she and her son are not living in a dangerous situation. Granted, you don't know that he's abusive, but from everything that you've observed, I'd be surprised if he isn't. At the least, I agree with you that he doesn't sound like a good role model for his son. The thing is though that it doesn't matter what we think of him. It only matters what she thinks. It's up to her to decide if he's a good role model for their son and it's up to her to decide if she wants to leave him. You can't make her do it. You can however make it easier for her. One thing you can do is tell her how much he worries you. Don't press her to tell you if he's abusive. Just let her know that if she ever feels scared for herself or her son that both of them are more than welcome to stay with you. Be sure that you understand and make it clear to her that she shouldn't feel obligated to be in a relationship with you in she comes to live with you. You'll be just her friend as long as she needs one. That means you'd have to be pretty selfless, because she may leave him and decide not to be in a relationship with you. If it's as you claim and you want to be her friend no matter what, then I think you should do it. It's the best thing for her. Rushing into a relationship with you isn't. i just dont understand why everyone on here seems to think two best friends could never be anything more then just best friends. I just want to let you know that I don't think best friends can only ever be friends. In fact, I think the strongest relationships are those built on friendship first. I also think your situation has the potential to turn into an amazing relationship except that your friend doesn't seem to share the feelings you have. From everything you've said, it seems very one-sided. second, i'm talking about an 11 year old " best friend" yes folks "best friend" u dont throw away best friends because she has feelings and i do just because she has a boyfriend. You're interfering with her relationship and allowing her to cheat because you want her for yourself. That's not a best friend. its a huge step for her to leave her boyfriend for me. not to mention a huge step because she's never been anything but platonic with me. ever. out of 11 years the first time kissing was last may. we've never had sex, and i think she contimplated the idea for exploration purposes ( to see if it could actually happen) to see if i could actually excite her that way. What???? I don't even know where to begin with how messed up that statement is. If she loved you like you love her, she'd be with you. It really is that simple. This nonsense that she needs to know how you can excite her (which means really cheating on her bf BTW) before she leaves him is just making excuses for her. Girls dump their bfs all the time because they're not happy, they love someone else, ect. They don't need to screw some guy before they do it. Well, the ones worth being with don't. she's a very brilliant woman she bears in the upper percentile in iq level. A high score on an IQ test doesn't mean a person has a high emotional IQ, is responsible, and most of all not f*cked up. You can be very smart and still be screwed up beyond belief. obviously some of your friendship values need to be checked. Have you considered that yours do as well? A true friend would not be allowing his friend to cheat on her bf (and hoping she'd do even more cheating). And yes, kissing is cheating. You'd better believe her bf would consider it cheating, and I'm sure you would if your gf was doing what she's doing behind your back. My original advice still stands that you need to reiterate to her how you feel and that you can't continue to be her friend, but you'd welcome her if she decides to be with you. Now with the possibility that her bf is abusive, I think you should include what I wrote above also. You need to find out if she wants to be with you. The best way to do that is to stop letting her have you without leaving her bf. If she doesn't want you, you need to get over her. You can't truly be her friend until then. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cbstyles69 Posted December 21, 2006 Author Share Posted December 21, 2006 If you love her the way you say you do, your first priority should be making sure she and her son are not living in a dangerous situation. Granted, you don't know that he's abusive, but from everything that you've observed, I'd be surprised if he isn't. At the least, I agree with you that he doesn't sound like a good role model for his son. The thing is though that it doesn't matter what we think of him. It only matters what she thinks. It's up to her to decide if he's a good role model for their son and it's up to her to decide if she wants to leave him. You can't make her do it. You can however make it easier for her. ------------------------------------------------------------------- your right, theres nothing i can say to make things better for her or to make her decissions for her. i'm only here to guide her in the right directions. i've been here thru the 7 years of the entire story, i stand by her side every step of the way. yes thats what best friends do. and regardless of what she's done to me, yes i do forgive her. all feelings aside she deserves better. why do i know that. cuz i've known her for 11 years. --------------------------------------------------------------------- One thing you can do is tell her how much he worries you. Don't press her to tell you if he's abusive. Just let her know that if she ever feels scared for herself or her son that both of them are more than welcome to stay with you. Be sure that you understand and make it clear to her that she shouldn't feel obligated to be in a relationship with you in she comes to live with you. You'll be just her friend as long as she needs one. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- she already knows this and has been told. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- That means you'd have to be pretty selfless, because she may leave him and decide not to be in a relationship with you. If it's as you claim and you want to be her friend no matter what, then I think you should do it. It's the best thing for her. Rushing into a relationship with you isn't. --------------------------------------------------------------------- i was never worried about being with her. i'd be happy if she started dating the steroid freak down the street for all i care. i just dont like seeing her suffer with this guy. I just want to let you know that I don't think best friends can only ever be friends. In fact, I think the strongest relationships are those built on friendship first. I also think your situation has the potential to turn into an amazing relationship except that your friend doesn't seem to share the feelings you have. From everything you've said, it seems very one-sided. --------------------------------------------------------------------- agree'd best friends eventually explore the un explored, and thats what we did. regardless if she had a boyfriend or not, i didnt post this to be judged nor did i post this for people to judge her. i posted this for some answeres, not judgement. if i wanted that i would have set up a trial hearing. as for one sided who know's maybe. maybe she did lie to me about everything she's told me. maybe it was a figment of my imagination. --------------------------------------------------------------------- You're interfering with her relationship and allowing her to cheat because you want her for yourself. That's not a best friend. --------------------------------------------------------------------- sometimes when a man takes a woman from another man fear sets in at a later date. you start wondering, is that woman going to leave me for another man? i'm wondering if thats what happend 7 years ago when her boyfriend moved in on my best friend while she had been in a 4 year relationship with one of my friends. the way i like to see it is. karma's a bitch. what comes around goes around. after he got her and got what he wanted, he expected her to minus me from her life. for 7 years she battled to keep me in her life. why? cuz i'm special. cuz she loves me. cuz i've been there for her thru thick and thin. best friends stay true to one another regardless of the silly mistakes they make. everyone makes silly decissions. we cant all be right. just like all of you might be wrong, or you might be write on your predictions. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What???? I don't even know where to begin with how messed up that statement is. If she loved you like you love her, she'd be with you. It really is that simple. This nonsense that she needs to know how you can excite her (which means really cheating on her bf BTW) before she leaves him is just making excuses for her. Girls dump their bfs all the time because they're not happy, they love someone else, ect. They don't need to screw some guy before they do it. Well, the ones worth being with don't. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- such strong words, for i dont believe she cheated. we had a couple intimate kisses. thats all. nothing more. i guess we all learned from president clinton. were all perfect u know. and so was his intern. the skank even wiped the **** off on her sleave and hung it back up in the closet. so we all have our downfalls in life. like i said, nobody's perfect. i'm sure theres a million things uve done in your life time that we could pass judgement on. seems your only on here to judge and not help. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A high score on an IQ test doesn't mean a person has a high emotional IQ, is responsible, and most of all not f*cked up. You can be very smart and still be screwed up beyond belief. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ****ed up and confused might be your mistake in words. she's been thru alot in her life, this control freak is just another layer of iceing to the cake. so have some compassion before you open your mouth. hence i havent typed a 29 year old journal here. u dont know where she's been in life and where i've been. some people just didnt have it easy. yes, she has a very low self esteame that she hides very well. i over look these items in her cuz i care. cuz i know. cuz i know whats happend. so please like i said. dont judge cuz its not nice. she's going thru alot and she's confused. yes, her best friend confused her. i did. when i told her my feelings i felt as if she was on her way out the door with him. it wasnt supposed to work out this way. but it did. for some reason she had a change of heart. she feels she has to do this for her child and her childs sake only. i guess i have a different point of view on all this. i feel her child needs a better invironment. i sat back and thought about it today. i have a 13 month old son that means the world to me. sometimes people will step in and tell you that you should raise your son a totally different way then i'm currantly raising him. i feel i'm doing the best job that a dad can do. and i'm doing it on my own two feet. i seem to get quite upset when people budge there noses into how i should raise my son. so i guess now that i'm standing in her shoes i can see how she feels. she's got a completly different phsylosophy on how to raise her son. is all i can do is pray that the both of them are safe and out of harms way. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you considered that yours do as well? A true friend would not be allowing his friend to cheat on her bf (and hoping she'd do even more cheating). And yes, kissing is cheating. You'd better believe her bf would consider it cheating, and I'm sure you would if your gf was doing what she's doing behind your back. --------------------------------------------------------------------- i guess its a tough deal. yup we kissed. u want his number, i'll give it to u. lol. as i once said before. i dont have any respect for this guy. at all. never will and never would. for a man to want to wipe out a best friend to save his own guilt for what he's done is just plain messed up. i hope he rots in hell. --------------------------------------------------------------------- My original advice still stands that you need to reiterate to her how you feel and that you can't continue to be her friend, but you'd welcome her if she decides to be with you. Now with the possibility that her bf is abusive, I think you should include what I wrote above also. --------------------------------------------------------------------- and i thank u for this advice, for i did this this afternoon outside her work when i gave her her christmas gift, probably her last christmas gift if that. she cried. i cried. its tough. i just wanted to say " talk is cheap" cuz its easier said then done. i've been hounded by everyone under the sun saying i need to let go. i had to let go on my own terms. and i did. with or without your advice or bobs advice down at the shoe store. it was all on my own terms. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- You need to find out if she wants to be with you. The best way to do that is to stop letting her have you without leaving her bf. If she doesn't want you, you need to get over her. You can't truly be her friend until then. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- as i said this is a done deal. i'm working on it day by day. i told her no more emails today and no more chatting on yahoo when she's at work. she asked me if she could see me before i move home. i'm contimplating it. i would like to say my good byes. we shared so much together and i feel i owe it to her. as she owes it to me aswell. its times like this where life just seems to come to a skreatching hault. sux. she was first in line for 11 years till my son was born. then she went to second in line. now i believe she's in the back. kinda funny how things work. lifes tricky, and throw's u tricky curves. i'm sorry if i sounded harsh cuz i will defend my friend. always have. she'd do the same for me. and i will defend myself as being passed judgement on. that was unfair. i came here for advice not to be called a clown. and yamaha, if you wanted to come here and give advice instead of saying " ditch the bitch" why dont u take a half hour to explain why. details. seems your just here to wrack up as many posts as u can as if its some sort of contest. get a life bro. theres more to the world then the internet. as for everyone else that gave me awsome advice. thanks a bunch. i wouldnt know how to repay u. 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Author cbstyles69 Posted December 21, 2006 Author Share Posted December 21, 2006 since i interfered with her relationship and "allowed her to cheat". should i do the right thing and turn her in? nah. i think sometimes things are better left unsaid. i have a feeling he knows about us anyways. he's had a gut feeling that we've had feelings for eachother since the day he stepped in her life. he was friends to with her once. i'm sure she confided in him. maybe this is why he didnt like us being friends. i dont know. is all i know is, its been a 7 year battle. and im tired. i'm resigning. throwing in the key. it was still nice to gain an extra 7 years of friendship out of her. even if i had to fight for it. it was worth every penny. many memmories and laughs we had. i'll charish them for the rest of my life. mel, if your reading this then i've probably passed it along to you. this was my intentions from the start. i wanted you to know everything that i felt. and i also wanted you to know how others felt. i'm sorry if some of this might have upset you. and i'm sorry if i may have made you cry. i've cried a million tears this year and i'm sure you have aswell. keep your chin up. u know i love you with all my heart. love always. me. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 as i said this is a done deal. i'm working on it day by day. i told her no more emails today and no more chatting on yahoo when she's at work. I must have missed where you said you'd told her that. I really hope it works out for you. I think it'd be great if she decided to be with you and you two had a long, happy life together. I'm just skeptical because what you've described doesn't sound promising. she asked me if she could see me before i move home. i'm contimplating it. i would like to say my good byes. we shared so much together and i feel i owe it to her. Tough choice. I'm not really sure what I'd do if I were in your situation. I'd probably end up seeing her to say goodbye. Not sure if that's the best choice or not though. since i interfered with her relationship and "allowed her to cheat". should i do the right thing and turn her in? Absolutely not. It's her relationship and it's up to her to tell her bf or not. Your responsibility lies only with your actions and whether you allow yourself to be the party she's cheating with or not. Good luck with all this and good luck with the move. Link to post Share on other sites
coaster1026 Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 It's obvious you love each other and want to be together. But it appears she is the one giving mixed signals, probably because of her boyfriend. She seems to feel trapped in something that she's afraid to escape from just as much as she wants out. As hard as it may be, perhaps the only thing that will make her come to her senses is if she feels threatened to lose you forever. You should tell her, you value the friendship more than anything, but it's too painful for you to stick around. She has to be forced to make a decision. You or him. And if she chooses him, your friendship is over. Let her know you have considered her feelings all these years, and it hurts you to see her in what sounds like an unhealthy relationship with another. It's her turn to consider your feelings this time. She loves you and she has a boyfriend to go home to. You don't have 2 worlds like that. You just have her. But you don't even have all of her. She should understand that it's not fair to you. I consider you lucky, though, I'm in love with my best friend who is also my roommate, but our feelings for each other are not nearly as obvious as yours are. I get to watch date other girls all the time, but I'm not dating anyone and it feels unfair. I assume he doesn't know how I feel; if he did, would he purposely still put me through the pain of seeing him with other girls? I just don't know. On the other hand, I think he knows but wants to have the best of both worlds, just like your girl. These things are so confusing and painful that we just don't know what to do with ourselves. Good luck to you. But it sounds like she'd be a lucky woman if she chooses to be with you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cbstyles69 Posted December 22, 2006 Author Share Posted December 22, 2006 It's obvious you love each other and want to be together. But it appears she is the one giving mixed signals, probably because of her boyfriend. She seems to feel trapped in something that she's afraid to escape from just as much as she wants out. As hard as it may be, perhaps the only thing that will make her come to her senses is if she feels threatened to lose you forever. You should tell her, you value the friendship more than anything, but it's too painful for you to stick around. She has to be forced to make a decision. You or him. And if she chooses him, your friendship is over. Let her know you have considered her feelings all these years, and it hurts you to see her in what sounds like an unhealthy relationship with another. It's her turn to consider your feelings this time. She loves you and she has a boyfriend to go home to. You don't have 2 worlds like that. You just have her. But you don't even have all of her. She should understand that it's not fair to you. I consider you lucky, though, I'm in love with my best friend who is also my roommate, but our feelings for each other are not nearly as obvious as yours are. I get to watch date other girls all the time, but I'm not dating anyone and it feels unfair. I assume he doesn't know how I feel; if he did, would he purposely still put me through the pain of seeing him with other girls? I just don't know. On the other hand, I think he knows but wants to have the best of both worlds, just like your girl. These things are so confusing and painful that we just don't know what to do with ourselves. Good luck to you. But it sounds like she'd be a lucky woman if she chooses to be with you! sometimes i questions what love is coaster. i truly do. sometimes i question if it wasnt just one sided. she seems to have built a strong hatred towards me. its really tough to see a best friend get so mad at me. kinda hard to deal with. sometimes i wondered if i had told her about my feelings if this could happen. and i told myself no. theres no way possible. well there was a way. i guess i need to pick my head up off the floor and start thinking about life. where i'm at. the important things u know. i have a son that i love so much. and he needs me. weather she chooses to be with her boyfriend or me, i still have obligations to tend. she told me today that she never wants to speak to me agian. i dont know what to say to that. she read this forum thread that i've been posting here. i think she took it all the wrong way. she said i attacked her son on here. i cried the better half of the afternoon thinking she said some pretty hurtfull things and is all i've been trying to say is " i'm hurt" myself. sometimes i question back in the day when i first told her i had feelings. sometimes i question if she had feelings back, or she was pretending she did because she knew it would hurt. that i had just blurted out a huge secret. maybe she was just flattered by all this and now she realizes its gotten out of hand. she denied the fact that i ever told her that i was in love with her, but i told her on many occations. i'm so confused. maybe she's trying to block all this out so she can move on with her life. this all makes me very sad. anyone that asks if its ok for two best friends of the opposite sex to evail feelings is absolutely crazy. my worlds been flipped upside down, twisted up, and then spit back on the ground. sometimes i wish she would call me and say " haha, just kidding" but i realize this isnt a joke. she feels this forum was taking this to far. but i dont think she understood that i had to express my feelings somewheres, and friends didnt want to hear it. so here i am, the smuch posting my life on some stupid forum crying about what could have been. anyways thanks for all the comments people, i'm going to bed. i throw in the towel exausted that heart broken dude in rhode island. Link to post Share on other sites
coaster1026 Posted December 22, 2006 Share Posted December 22, 2006 I can see why a person might be irritated at first by discovering someone's been writing about them in a forum, but like you said, no where else to turn..same reason why I posted here myself! Besides, it isn't like we know who any of you are...this is just an anonymous support group, thank god for it! Look, you don't deserve all this, if she says she doesn't want to speak to you again, I'm sorry but that's probably the best thing for you. Like you said, and I like I said before, everything seems to be about her feelings, not yours. She's not paying attention to you or to what you want, or how you feel, from what I can tell. Thank her for not wanting to speak to you again! She needs to deal with her life B.S. without having you to lean on. One day she might find the strength to leave her relationship and you won't be there to celebrate with her. Cuz you will be busy with your son and with some great woman who wants to be with you full force. As for what love is, I'm not one to talk, my best friend is my roommate who I love dearly but he wants to be with anybody but me. I know how it feels I'm in love, but I don't know how if feels to be loved back. I hope your feeling better soon! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cbstyles69 Posted December 22, 2006 Author Share Posted December 22, 2006 things are funny like that. being in love, but not loved back. i know now that in her eyes me and her could never be. i know i'd accept if she asked me to be with her. and funny thing. just this second i just had major de javu about all this. kinda wierd. anyways all day i been thinking back on every great memmory her and i had. we did have a beautiful life together. we really did. all the smiles and laughter. the dumb things we did and got away with when we were young and nieve. the times we cried. i'll charish those memmories for the rest of my life knowing i did in fact have the greatest friendship with her. who knows. maybe someday things will change. i dont see her being ok with me just yet. she likes to hold grudges for a while. she always has. i just wish she could wake up sometimes and think about whats going on in her life. how that she feels that everythings so great with her and her boyfriend for now, but a month down the road ****s going to be the same deal. i know she needs to leave him, weather i talk to her never agian. her relationship with him has been nothing but unhealthy from the start. i dont know what to say to her to make things click. i pray for her every night, and still do. i know deep down inside that everythings ok cuz gods watching over us all. crying seems to be the only thing i can do to pass the time right now. right now i'm sure her boyfriend is comforting her as we speak and i bet he doesnt even know why he's comforting her. sad. truely is. anyways i thank u all so much for being there. this has been truthfully one of the hardest things i've ever gone thru. that crazy dude from ri agian. Link to post Share on other sites
vanessabg Posted December 31, 2006 Share Posted December 31, 2006 77 page views and only one person ( anonomous) has contributed. need some feedback if anyone can contribute.. greatly appreciated. thanks. In short,in my opinion if you love her so ,just ignore all her misdeeds and continue the relation without think that does she sincere me or not. Link to post Share on other sites
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