can I trust him now?

[muffin]

hello, I have a complicated and long drawn out situation with my fiance. We are both 21 and started dating my last year of high school. For the last 3 or 4 years we have been together off and on. Off being the longest of 3 months. He and I got along good but he always looked for an excuse not to get serious. When he was the one who always brought up seriousness like telling me he loved me and he would marry me someday.(kInda like he new he loved me but for a few years kept trying not to get that serious.) The first time it was him leaving for college and he couldnt deal with a relationship and college and work. Then he said he wasnt ready to settle , but as soon as we broke up he started to hook up with a girl from my work. Which i hate because she should have known better than to ag him on by pursueing him when we was still together. They dated for like a week and then we got back together then after a few more pointless fights a year later we was doing great and he dumped me saying he wasnt in love and couldnt settle down. What ever!!!He once again ran to her to hang out with and go on dates with. He dated her for a few weeks and it fizzled again and he came running back again. Later by a few months he joined the coast guard and we split again untill this past january when he asked me to marry him. The thing is. NOw he is excited about marriage and cant wait for me to move where he is. He even seems more grown up FINALLY.! He says he loves me and shows it to. But because of our past lately i have been pissed just thinking about how he hurt me and how it felt back then. WE was talking and he told me he stayed the night with her. Many Many times I have tried to get out of him if they slept together and he says no.But He had never told me they spent a night together so I think something happened and ever since that conversation I feel pissed all over again. And I got three months before our wedding. I just dont understand how somebody can say they love you but in the past treat you like sh####t... I guess i never got over it.....Got any input on this situation........

[Tony T]

I have no idea why you have let the guy jerk you around like he has or why you have agreed to marry him. It is not likely you will forget about his treatment of you for a very long time.

 

Most ladies like to marry men who have treated them gently, with kindness and respect. You need to cancel your engagement and maybe get some counselling to sort out your feelings. It takes a LOT more than love to make a satisfying relationship and I'm not sure you can pull this one off. It's good that you're thinking about these things.

 

On the other hand, there are people who think that a certain amount of hurt and pain comes with love. Below are the lyrics of a 1960's song sung by Clarence "Frogman" Henry. Read them and go figure?!?!?!

 

YOU ALWAYS HURT THE ONE YOU LOVE

Clarence "Frogman" Henry

 

You always hurt the one you love

The one you shouldn't hurt at all

You always take the sweetest rose

And crush it till the petals fall

You always break the kindest heart

With a hasty word you can't recall

So If I broke your heart last night,

It's because I love you most of all

[Guest]

Based on my experiences, I've learned that men can stop being commitment phobic and deserve a second chance providing:

- he was honest

- he was never mean, cruel or disrespectful

- enough time has passed to show real change, growth

- there was no cheating or finding someone else right afterwards

- he is SHOWING you that things are different this time

- you are willing to give him a second chance and forgive

 

However, if you are having concerns already, that's not a good sign. You need to ask yourself is there a reason why you keep harping on the past - has he really changed? The fact that he returned to the same girl means there was something there and you should explore this area to make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

Plus 21 is young to be married - are you sure you are ready to make a lifetime commitment to this man? Make sure you talk about your concerns BEFORE you get married and don't marry him unless your concerns are put to rest.

 

Best wishes.