Why do I keep thinking this?

[KrissyP]

Around a year ago I met my current girlfriend at work (though I no longer work there) and we ended up doing it at the xmas party. trouble was she was already engaged to someone for 4 years at the time and after that we continued to see each other for a while.

 

While we were seeing each other I got pretty mad that I was constantly getting treated like her bit on the side and went out with this other girl to try and make her jealous (only really lasted a month) and towards the end of the relationship they split up.

 

As she thought I was now happy with this other girl she got drunk at a party and slept with a guy though she never told me this until we had been going out around 4 months.

We are now happy although my problems are as follows:

 

1. She has always been adament that she wasnt the sort of person to sleep with someone on the 1st night although it has happened twice since I've known her.

 

2. Everytime she goes a night out without me I cant stop thinking about what she may be upto and cant help but think she has cheated on me even if there hardly any signs.

 

3. She is a very attractive girl (not the problem!) although I have stopped going into nightclubs with her because all she does is get looked at by other guys and hit on when I am at the bathroom. We even been out with her friend and her bf and the bf has tried it on with her both times we've been out! So all I do is picture all these guys hitting on her when she is out without me. Even my best friend tried it on with her right after me telling him how much I liked her and we have never been friends since that night.

 

4. I am not a very confident guy so i think this is only fueling my jealousy towards her and half the guys that look at her seem better looking than me. I swear sometimes she even looks back!

 

5. She has never gone without a bf before and she hasnt been truthful about her past to me so I cant stop thinking about that as well!

 

Despite all this, we do get on very well and she says she wants everything with me and I'm sure I want this same with her. I know she loves me but I cant stop thinking all of these negative thoughts and it is really starting to drive me crazy! Its really starting to depress me as I just want to forget about all the things that have happened though I am finding it hard to let go because its all happened within the last year.

If anyone can help me out here it would be very much appreciated as I'm really starting to lose my mind!

Thanks for Reading

[Moresome]

I think you really need to put the past history behind you if you want this relationship to work. But, that's easy for me to say, and rather obvious.

 

It's unlikely you could ever forget the past, but it's important that you accept it, learn from it and move on. Clearly, if it had never happened that way, you might not be together now. I wouldn't judge either of your past behaviour in a negative light. People are allowed to make mistakes. Together, you can still grow and evolve from now on and you might notice a change in both of you. People and relationships usually do alter as time goes by. Often, it's future changes that are harder to tolerate, rather than somebody's past behaviour.

 

Based on what you posted, it seems to me, that your self-esteem is very low. You recognise this yourself. Perhaps this is a greater factor in you having these uneasy, jealous feelings, than her past or present behaviour? Maybe you need more reassurance about why she's chosen you over these other guys you think she could have? Maybe you need to look at other reasons why your self-esteem is low and try your best to raise it. Does she put you down? Are you unhappy with yourself?

[KrissyP]

Thanks for the reply Moresome very much appreciated, like you correctly pointed out I do have a very low self esteem and unhappy with myself. I have tried to look at myself in a better light although to be honest I am having quite a lot of trouble raising my self esteem. My gf also tells me that I am attractive but I just find it hard to believe her. I just really want to put the past behind me although when I do there is always an incident with someone else trying it on with my GF and it makes me feel sad again.

[silentalways]

are u saying your bf had affair or do u mean u?

 

is it the man or the female in this story that has a wondering eye and makes the other feel small that way

 

well i can you this in my whole i have always refrained

from have sex with someone else than who would always no that was true

and that's a fact not a complaint

yes, i did some things that crossed the line

and i might have to you about thing before

it was when i lost my mind

and that fact u keep on living out

and making into something to use

and i don't why u do all this

always look for clue

because for every day, year after year

i constantly have offered

everything that i have

i hide nothing from you

i don't know why you fear, don't trust and complain

and twist what i do into something else

when all u have to do ask

and i'll tell and show u

yes i am not proud of some things i've done

but i've already proved

anything that you ask i give

yet you say your trust has been removed

and you can't bring it to me

that's not my fault that you

you don't want to give to me

its easy for me to mine to you

even after you walking away

telling me to be honest about abuse

and i take the time to think it thru

something i never used to do

and you clap and yell horraahhhh

and i see you happy again

and it makes glad to see you when you are like that

that's why i put up with all this pain

because you have something u just don't see

something you give away

and its the best part of u

but u don't see it that way

because it is good so it can possibly come from

i say u gotta turn that around

work on it together with someone who knew

how to fix something

and for once u get to relax

let someone else find the source

of the pain

and this you ask of me

and of course i would, that's just sane

and then that idea gets tucked away

i never see it again

because this is what u do

and u think i'm the one always blue

i see the sky as red and so do u

we have so many reason to never throw this away

but i know this way too hard for you

and you struggle far to hard day after day

u need to find a love that will give to what i can't do

a reason to not hide these things away

just being with me drives u insane

you question everything

your mind doesn't relax

you love me so much

you think you can pay back

but this isn't something we exchange for a pricve

i look at you say

i am not better than u

we are equal to what that makes

and you turn away

because when i offer u us

you say its too much u need space

i've never asked to never do

anything you ever wanted to do

and once again that to u is weak

and makes u

and you teach me how to do it as u see

and i do

because that way i learn

more about u

cuz its always different from me

and i think that kewl

but you don't allow yourself pride

of things u do with

there is something that is in me

that does this to you

and that hurts me so hard

but its why i can let you go

any time that you want

and in the end i know

if u are like this after just a few years

think how much harder it will be

as your fight within yourself

against all those things u can

u demand from others the very things

you hold back from me

but you give those things to others u know

thats not a problem for u

for some reason it is when its meant for me

and i know u have to move on

and find someone where u won't feel the need to do that u

that why i don't understand

and keep trying to break thru

but last night i knew after 5 hours online

with someone that could or could not be u

and even after u heard the tale where u haunted me

with silence and avoidance until i went insane

every reason i love u

and i asked u three times

i thought that would show the work i did do

so you would have to worry or step back ever again

just relax and breathe in

so what i was giving u

is the very thing that u ask

i will leave it at that

let u think all of this thru

i love so ****ing much

that it pains u

but all you had to do was ask me to turn it down

because when you believe in me

there is nothing i can't do

but its been too long

i don't think its coming

i don't that u want it to and that ok

i want the best for u

i want u hold u in my arms

and feel let go of all these things inside u

i want to feel yer head finally rest upon me

and u need that so bad

but its not from me

that's what u will allow

that something u give me

i remember a time

this wasn't so rough

i remember a time we just smiled every day

that's what i want

somethiong special and true

but u can't do that now

so take time for u

and u will be in heart

and in my mind

u will always be THE ONE

for me that was true

I could love a million people a million times

but i would trade it for one night with u

just to hear voice

and watch you breathe

and watch u melt and let go the pain

as day turns into night

that is pleasure to me

you are the one

love always

[KrissyP]

Very thoughful though not much advice given Silentalways to be honest I couldnt really understand most of it. I am sayin my GF had an affair and that is guilty of the wondering eye at times (though I think we all do this at some point)

[KrissyP]

Does anyone else have any advice to help me out on the opening post?

 

I'm still a little confused

[ehead]

I don't know, call me crazy, but I can see reason for you being suspicious.

 

I think this is a case where she may need to win your trust a bit.

 

I read your post over really fast but it seems like she isn't too discriminating about sex, and she has shown "loose morals" about it.

 

It's not the sleeping w/ people that would worry me, it's the sleeping with people when she's dating someone else.

 

 

Alternatively, you could just choose not to make sexual monogomy such an important thing to you. That's easier said than done though.